Disclaimer: Jeez, don’t you get it yet? IT’S NOT MIIIIINE!!
Mysterious Narrator Natz: HELLOOOOO, LITTLE PEOPLE!!! Whoa, what was that? Sorry, sorry. Anyhoo, as you may have guessed, we found more tapes! (Dances happy dance) But the question is: Where is the rubber duck? Same place as the spoon, no doubt, no doubt. Well, here we go…

(Back in Mordor, the F-DGH arrive fresh from their holidays at the big black gates of Fish-Dur)

Denethor: Remember, Captain Jack said we need to check the garbage cans to find clues!

The Help Group: We know!!

Denethor: Pfft, it’s literary technique! I’m recapping previous chapters for the audience through dialogue!

The Help Group:…….

Saruman: Anyways, we need someone to distract the security guards, Gollum, the FHS and any remaining Nazgul while we go to check the rubbish. Volunteers?

(Crickets heard.)

Saruman: Thanks Frodo! Right, you go and find the security guards and tell them to go to the front gates, STAT!

Frodo: Ach.

(He scuttles off. As soon as no-one is watching, Sam zooms off after him)

Eowyn: So, what kind of clues are we looking for, anyway?

Denethor: No idea. Jack disappeared before we could ask, remember?

Saruman: Why don’t you just tell the audience to re-read the last chapter, for Valar’s sake!?!

Denethor: Don’t know *what* you mean, sunshine.

Eowyn (refusing to let the point go): So, for all we know, the clues could be something we’re not even looking for?

Denethor: Quiet, you!

(They reach the trash cans. Live in hope that you never have to smell the smell of a Mordor garbage pile, dear readers)

Eowyn: *chokes* Whoa, suddenly Grima smells like roses.

Grima: Score!

(They begin to look through the rubbish)

Saruman (holding up an action figure): A Count… ‘Dooku’ figurine? Pfft, who buys this junk?

Denethor: Hey, I think I’ve found something! (He holds aloft a big wad of paper)

Grima: What *is* it?

Denethor (reading): ‘Legolas’ Evil Society of Evil Characters’. What?? (Reads on) ‘We, the Evil Characters of the Barad-Dur Help Group, formally declare to all and sundry that, after being unfairly left out of the dramatization of B-DHG meetings, we shall be evil, do evil deeds, and generally make life hell for the remaining members of the B-DHG. Our members are as follows: Legolas, Captain Barbossa, Merry-and-Pippin, Gandalf…’

Saruman: The fiend! I’m the only evil wizard around here!

Denethor: ‘…. and Gollum.’

Saruman: I think I speak for us all when I say…… heh?!?!?!?!

Eowyn: I second that.

Grima: Third!

Denethor (reading on): ‘Oh yes, and if you’re reading this, B-DHG members, you’ve got approximately thirty seconds to live. Well done for taking the bait in the Grey Havens. It will detonate in approximately twenty five seconds now. Also, Wormtongue’s flies are open’

Wormtongue (Quickly checks): What?! No they’re not!

Denethor: ‘Made you look’

(Suddenly Frodo and Sam dash in shot)

Frodo: Guys…. *gasp*…. tried…. to….. *pant*…… stop… them…..

Saruman: What’s going on?

Sam: Fish.. hit….. squad….. coming

Grima: A BOMB is going to go off! (Starts screaming like a girl)

(The Fish Hit Squad appear, stealth style, and trample the F-DHG)

FHS Leader: Stop, drop and roll, scumbags!

Saruman (struck by genius): We’re not the scumbags you’re looking for (waves hand in Jedi-esque manner)

FHS: They’re not the scumbags we’re looking for!

Saruman: Move along.

FHS: Move along!

Saruman: Stop copying me!

FHS: Stop copying me!

Frodo (getting down with the Jedi vibe): Um, you will also stop the bomb detonating!

FHS: We will also stop the bomb detonating!

(They dogpile on Saruman and remove the ‘wave wizard’ from where it was jauntily slung across his back, and undetonate the large and obvious bomb that was glued to the bottom of it)

Sam: So Captain Jack works for Legolas!

Grima (adopting a sudden Sherlock Holmes style disposition) Ahhh yes, but Captain Jack was merely an innocent bystander in this escapade. Legolas’ real stooge is-

(The tape fizzles out)

Mysterious Narrator Natz: Ha! Yes, readers, this is where you come in! Who do you suppose is Legolas’ stooge? Suggestions in your review, s’il vous plait!

Smaug: That is a cheap way of getting reviews.

Mysterious Narrator Natz: And how! The most imaginative suggestion will get a prize*! All will be revealed in the spiffy next edition of B-DHG!

*Prize cannot be exchanged for money.