THORIN (offscreen, as throughout): ‘Far over the misty mou–’ Dear Mahal, what the blazes is that?!

BALIN: What? Haven’t you ever seen twelve Dwarves arrayed in a roughly straight row, looking out at an unseen observer?

THORIN: It’s unnatural-looking, I tell you. What’s afoot? Let me guess, my second-worst fear has come to pass: you’ve been taken in by the authorities, and now the Elven-king will pick the suspected culprit from this lineup. He’ll pick you all, the bigoted wine-guzzling–

BALIN: No, we’re just posing for our publicity photo. We’re famous now.

THORIN: By Mahal’s impressive hammer, it’s worse than I thought. Indeed, my worst fear has finally come to pass: my company has joined a burlesque show.

BALIN: Say what? I really think you’re overreacting, Thorin.

THORIN: All is lost. No, wait, most of you have weapons drawn. Perhaps you are in the vanguard of an army of Dwarves, leading our people to victory. Yes. This is what I choose to believe.

BALIN: Now it’s really not necessary to delude yourself. It’s just a feature called ‘An Unexpected Journey;’ you’ll like it. You’re in it, in fact.

THORIN: Don’t involve me in your debauchery. You are leading a great army. This is what I have decided. Let me inspect the troops.

BALIN: Okay, whatever helps you sleep at night.

THORIN: Ah, Nori, you appear hale and full of hairspray today.

NORI: Thanks. It took me three hours.

THORIN: You could cleave a goblin with that hair. Well done, fellow. Moving on now… Ori! How many times do I have to tell you that one brings weapons into battle, not books?!

ORI: The pen is mightier than the sword, man.

THORIN: Going about cloaked and hooded in grey, reading lore all the time–why, next thing we know, you’ll be writing in the Elvish characters.

ORI: I thought I was supposed to have a grey hood. And the Elvish characters are pretty.

THORIN: You’ll come to no good end, lad. Who’s next? Ah, Dori. Way to…um…look like a politician. Yeah. Good work.

DORI: Chewing on lemon rinds helps.

THORIN: And next there’s young Fili. What’s with the fur?

FILI: I slew it myself. Let its pelt stand as a warning to all its kin.

THORIN: Excellent, excellent. Warg?

FILI: Bunny.

THORIN: I’m surrounded by mediocrity.

FILI: Bunnies can get really big, you know. This one was, like, the size of a small dog.

THORIN: You bring shame upon the House of Durin.

FILI: Bigger than a yappy dog. I’m talking basset hounds here.

THORIN: I hate basset hounds.

FILI: I hate bunnies.

THORIN: At least wipe that smirk off your face.

FILI: I think I will not, actually.

THORIN: Whatever. Next! … Oh, wonderful, here’s Kili, standing here with his quiver, his epilated jawline, his silken hair blowing in an unseen breeze that affects no one else in the lineup, and his smoldering gaze.

KILI: I have a sword too. Do you like my sword, Thorin?

THORIN: You bring shame upon the House of Durin.

KILI: Many people like my sword.

THORIN: I’m going to have nightmares.

KILI: You mean sweet, sweet dreams.

THORIN: By Mahal’s thundering forge, what did I do to deserve such vapid, useless kinsfolk?! Please die in battle, both of you. Good lord. All right, calm down, Thorin Oakenshield, the next one can’t possibly be as bad… Ah, Óin, a perfectly typical-looking Dwarf with an admirable beard and a crowbar of some sort. Bless you, cousin.

ÓIN: It can’t be a crowbar.

THORIN: Don’t gainsay me, I’m feeling very unstable today. And there’s cousin Glóin and his magnificent flowing beard. Perhaps he’s even wielding an axe as Dwarves are wont to do.

GLÓIN: Could be. Or not. I’m not quite sure, myself.

THORIN: May your progeny participate in epic quests even more historic than our own, my dear fellow. And now on to…Bombur, you know how I feel about the weird statement you’ve chosen to make with your facial hair.

BOMBUR: What? Everyone keeps pointing out that I’m the fat one, so I thought I’d shave my chin so that they can observe my double chin as well. You know, just to make sure there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that I’m the fat one.

THORIN: Mkay, as you like. And the weird dreadlock thingy? Dear ancestor-smashing Mahal, that thing must be so very greasy by now.

BOMBUR: Actually it’s great for garoting people.

THORIN: Point taken. Are you brandishing a ladle? Never mind. On to Bofur. I think you need to starch your hat more, Bofur.

BOFUR: Confound it, I prepared for hours. I knew something would go wrong!

THORIN: It was a joke, Bofur. Your hat is…sufficiently starchy.

BOFUR: Whew! Don’t scare me like that, Thorin.

THORIN: Sorry. Are you planning on doing some landscaping?

BOFUR: Why do you say that? This is my battle-axe.

THORIN: Yes. Yes, of course it is. Ah, and Bifur, you’re looking adorably menacing as always. Just like a dear psycho tamarin with a javelin….bayonet…thing. Seriously, you guys, isn’t he precious?

BIFUR: I wish you would stop saying that.

THORIN: I’m Thorin Oakenshield, I say what I wish.

BIFUR: Whatever.

THORIN: You and your clever zebra mustache want to get fresh with me? Bring it. Please. I dare you.

BIFUR: Er, no actually that’s okay, you win.

THORIN: Soon, Bifur, soon. Ahem! And what have we here? I think you need to starch your beard more, Balin.

BALIN: Actually, it has attained the perfect starchitude. This beard can lift ten pounds.

THORIN: You must be very proud. Now by Mahal’s lordly anvil, why aren’t you wielding your weapon?! This is war, my friend!

BALIN: This is a publicity photo, Thorin, as I’ve told you. I don’t want to wield a weapon.

THORIN: I demand weapons!

BALIN: I’m the lookout man. A weapon would distract me from…uh…looking out.

THORIN: Well, I suppose. And what about Dwalin, why isn’t he wielding any weapon?

DWALIN: Do I look like I need one?

THORIN: Point taken. All right, people, listen up; I know you had your hearts set on being in this burlesque show, but as the leader of this company I’m going to have to put my foot down. I cannot permit you to humiliate the House of Durin and all of Dwarven-kind.

KILI: Wait, we’re in a burlesque show? How fortuitous…

BALIN: No, this is not a burlesque show; it’s a thing, you know, a thing, it’s called ‘An Unexpected Journey,’ and then there’s to be another one called ‘There and Back Again.’

THORIN: There are going to be two of these monstrosities?

BALIN: Oh indeed, with wizards and halflings and goblins and dragons and–

THORIN: You people are out of your minds! Very well, you lot of degenerates, I see that you are beyond help, and I’ll leave you to it. But I swear to Mahal’s massive bellows that I’ll have nothing to do with it! Good day!

PETER JACKSON (offscreen): Bugger.

BALIN: Don’t worry, Mister Jackson, everybody has his price, even Thorin Oakenshield. Just say the word ‘Arkenstone’ and he’ll be back faster than a–

THORIN: Did I mention I love burlesque? Where do I sign up?

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