HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED…
by Andtalathiel

(Everyone is sitting outside the walls of Moria. Gandalf is mumbling random words trying to get the doors to open. The other members of the fellowship are downright bored and have nothing to do.)

Boromir: I am downright bored. I have nothing to do.

Gandalf: Why don’t you try to help me out with opening this door?

Boromir: Because I really can’t be bothered.

Gandalf: Oh. Well, fair enough.

(Gandalf says a few more weird, random words. The doors do not open)

Frodo (laughing): Gosh, Gandalf, you are so thick.

Gandalf: Sorry? What did you call me?

Frodo: I said you are thick.

Gandalf: Oh yes. I am rather, aren’t I.

Frodo: Yes. Look. I know how to open these doors. I’ve known all along but I couldn’t be bothered to say anything. It was funny watching you make a fool of yourself.

Gandalf: Okay, okay! I’m glad I provided you with entertainment! But how do you open the doors?!

Frodo: Ahem. Its quite simple really. You have to –

Pippin: Oooh, ooh! I’ve got it! It’s a riddle! “Speak friend and enter”…you have to say the Elvish word for friend!

Frodo: PIPPIN YOU MORON! That was my line!

Pippin: Oops. Sorry.

(Frodo throws a rock at Pippin. He misses and it splashes into the water. Aragorn grabs hold of Frodo’s arm)

Aragorn: Do not disturb the waters!

Frodo: Why?

Aragorn: Erm, I don’t really know.

Gandalf: (says the Elvish word for friend)
(The doors open and everyone scuttles inside. It is dark. Gimli starts babbling about his beloved Mines of Moria)

Gimli (to Legolas): Soon, Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires –

Legolas: Um, yeah, whatever. Isn’t that your dead cousin over there?

Gimli: Nooooooo!!!!

Boromir: There there Gimli, don’t get too upset.

Gimli: I’m not. I meant no, that is not my dead cousin. He’s in the next room.

Boromir: Oh.

Gandalf: Yeah, but there are lots of other dead dwarves in here for you to cry over.

Gimli: Noooooo!!!!

Boromir: There there Gimli, don’t get too upset.

Gimli: I’m not. I meant no, I can’t be bothered to cry over these other random dwarves. I didn’t even know them.

Boromir: Oh.

(suddenly a huge tentacle whips out of the pond and wraps itself around Frodo, dragging him out of the mines)

Frodo: What in Middle-Earth?! Put me down you stinky piece of slime!

Pippin: Um, Frodo? I don’t know why but I get the strange suspicion that you are supposed to be screaming.

Frodo: Oh. Um, okay. Help! Help me! Somebody!!

Sam: I’ll save you Mr Frodo!

Frodo: Lord help me.

(Sam hacks away at the tentacle with his blunt penknife)

Aragorn: Oh, move out of the way Sam!

(he chops the tentacle cleanly in half, and Frodo comes tumbling back to the ground)

Frodo: Thank you – Aragorn.

Sam: I think my penknife needs sharpening.

Frodo: You could say that, yes.

Legolas: Ah, what the heck. Let’s go back into the mines before that creepy thing tries to grab Frodo again.

(they go into the mines and the doors shut behind them. Just at that moment the big creepy squid thing leaps out of the pond)

Squid: Damn it! I missed them!

(it goes back underwater again to have a nap)

Gandalf: Now we have only one choice. We have to go through the long dark tunnels of Moria.

Gimli: Um, sorry, isn’t that a good thing?

Gandalf: No.

Gimli: But my cousin Balin will give us a royal welcome!

Gandalf: He’s dead, remember?

Gimli: Noooo!!!

Boromir: There there Gimli, don’t get too upset.

Gimli: I’m not. I meant no, I can’t remember.

Boromir: Oh.

(everyone sits down because Gandalf suddenly announces that he can’t remember where to go or what to do. Frodo sees Gollum leaping about below. He throws a rock at Gollum and Gollum falls off the ledge he was clambering on and tumbles down into the murky pit below)

Aragorn (slaps Frodo round the back of his head): You moron! Gollum was supposed to come back in the next two books!

Frodo: Yeah well, he won’t now.

Gandalf: Aaah! Its this way!!!

Merry: He remembered!

Gandalf: No, but this way will lead us into all sorts of danger and will end in me falling off the Bridge of Khazud-Dum, so I thought it was the best road.

Pippin: You’ve got good taste, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Yes, I know.

(they walk along the path for a bit and come out in the great hall thingy of Moria)

Sam: Now there’s an eye-opener and no mistake!
Pippin: Please don’t say that. Its very annoying when the actor who plays you says that in the film. It makes me want to fast-forward right through it.

Sam: Oh. Sorry.

(Gimli catches sight of the tomb of his cousin Balin)

Gimli: Noooooo!!!!!

(he runs away weeping)

Gandalf: Gimli!

(everyone follows the traumatized dwarf. Gandalf translates the writing on Balin’s tombstone)

Gandalf: Here lies Balin…son of…somebody. So he is dead then.

Gimli: Noooo!!!!

Boromir: ……

Gimli: Why aren’t you telling me not to be too upset?

Boromir: Oh. Because the last few times you have wailed “no”, I have said it, and you told me you weren’t really upset. So I figured this time would be just like those times, so I didn’t say anything.

Gimli: ……

(Pippin heads over to a dwarf skeleton sitting on the edge of a well. Gandalf plucks a dusty book out of the hands of yet another dead dwarf)

Gandalf: Now what does this book say? Ahem… “They are coming. We cannot hold them back. All the while we can hear their drums in the deep. It is very annoying and it is giving us headaches. Balin went to ask them if they could be a bit quieter and they killed him and used his bones as drum-beaters. When we asked them why, they said they were into recycling.”

(Gandalf pauses. Pippin is reaching out for the finger of the dwarf skeleton. Finally he touches it, and at the same time, somehow the dwarf’s head falls off. Then its whole body goes tumbling down the well making a lot of noise)

Gandalf: Fool of a – sorry, what’s your second name again?

Pippin: Underhill.

Frodo: No, that’s me!

Everyone: What?

Frodo: When I was at the Prancing Pony, I called myself Frodo Underhill as a disguise.
Pippin: Yes, but you are not at the Prancing Pony anymore!!

Frodo: Oh yeah…

Gandalf (to Pippin): Fool of an Underhill! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!

Pippin: Okay. If that’s what you really want.

(suddenly they hear a distant drumming. It is the infamous “drums in the deep”)

Gimli: They have no respect for the dead, do they?

(everyone gets their weapons out. Boromir and Aragorn go to block the doors. They meekly peep out and nearly get pinned down with a billion arrows)

Boromir (shutting the doors): They have a cave troll!

Aragorn: You don’t sound very worried about it.

Boromir: What?

Aragorn: Well, the way you say that, “they have a cave troll”, you say it in the same sort of way that you would say “they have a cup of tea”.

Boromir: ……

(Gimli leaps up onto Balin’s tomb waving his axe around)

Gimli: Let them come! There’s one dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath!

Legolas: Yeah, and he’s about to be shot down by a gazillion bloodthirsty Orcs…

(The orcs break through the doors and charge into the room. Everyone starts fighting. Sam is using a frying pan)

Sam: I think I’m getting the hang of this!

(He gets knocked unconsious by an Orc wielding an eggbeater)

Merry: Sam!

(the same Orc knocks him unconsious, too)

Pippin (thoughtfully): Now. If I stop and cry “Merry!” then that Orc will probably knock me down too, so I should really carry on fighting, but I can’t really leave Merry lying down there, even though –

*bonk* (the Orc hits him with the eggbeater)

Pippin: Bleargh…

(He falls to the floor unconcious. The cave troll starts lumbering towards Legolas, who is standing high up on a ledge. It starts hurling its chains at him. Legolas takes his opportunity and climbs one of the chains so he is standing on the trolls head)

Legolas: Aha!

Troll: Huuuh?

(Legolas grabs up an arrow and aims it so that it should hit the troll bang on the middle of its forehead. Just then – )

Gimli: Nooooo!!!!

Legolas: What is it now?!

(Gimli is sitting by Balin’s tomb banging his head on the stone and wailing. Legolas, wandering what Gimli is moaning about now, aims in the wrong direction and his arrow hits Frodo instead)

Frodo: *makes constipated noises*

Legolas: Whoops.

(Frodo flops to the floor looking rather dead. Everyone carries on fighting except Gimli who is still banging his head on Balin’s tomb and making himself go cross-eyed)

Gimli: Noooo!!!!

Boromir: Oh, shut up!

Gimli: ??

(Finally all the Orcs, and the Cave troll, lie dead. Everyone cheers)

Aragorn: Oh and well done for getting rid of that dumb hobbit, by the way Legolas. I never liked him anyway.

(Frodo sits up)

Frodo: Great news everyone! I’m wearing this really tough armoured shirt thingummy that Bilbo gave me, and I’m not dead! Isn’t that fantastic?!

Everyone: …

Gandalf: *ahem* shall we proceed to the Bridge of Khazud-Dum?

Boromir: Yeah.

Aragorn: Um, yeah.

Pippin: Good idea.

(they all run back into the great big hall of Moria again. They have only been running a few seconds when all these Orcs start appearing from out of nowhere and chasing them. they run faster but the Orcs have them surrounded)

Gimli: Oh well this is just fantastic!

Legolas: Oh, by the way, why were you banging your head on Balin’s tomb earlier?

Gimli: Legolas, somehow I do not think this is a good time for us to be discussing that…

(more and more Orcs appear. suddenly there is a very loud growl and all the Orcs shudder. Another growl and they turn on their heels and run)

Boromir: What is this new devilry?

Gandalf: A Balrog…a demon of the ancient world…

Gimli: Actually, it was my stomach. I forgot to eat this morning.

Gandalf: Oh.

*he checks his watch*

Gandalf: The Balrog is late, then. I knew he would be. He’s never on time for anything…

two hours later

(there is a threatening growl that echoes off the walls)

Gandalf: Oh, here he comes. Its about time too.

(the Balrog appears)

Gandalf: Hello old boy, what kept you?

Balrog: Sorry Gandalf old chap, my bath kept leaking and I had to hire a plumber…

Gandalf: Oh dear…whatever next, eh?

Balrog: I know, I know.

Gandalf: Well, we’re just off to the Bridge of Khazud-Dum, mate. Care to join us?

Balrog: Oh, certainly! Just wait a moment while a get my parasoll.

(Later on, they are all strolling across the Bridge of Khazud-Dum chatting away happily about this and that)

Balrog: And so I said to him – aaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!!

(the bridge breaks and the Balrog falls down into the pitt below)
Gandalf: Horace! Horace, where did you go?

(sees the Balrog tumbling down into the blackness)

Gandalf: What a pity. He just got to a bit of really interesting gossip, too.

(checks his watch)

Gandalf: Anyway, I’d better be going. Its time for me to turn into Gandalf the White now. See you in the next book!

(he throws himself off the bridge after the Balrog)

Frodo (cheerily): Bye!

(they leave the mines of Moria and step out into the sunshine)

Aragorn: So…

Boromir: Now what?

Gimli: I don’t really know.

Legolas: Um, Gimli? Why were you banging your head on Balin’s tomb earlier?

(Gimli leaps on him and attempts to strangle him)

Sam: Um…well. At least one good thing came out of this. I managed to steal the eggbeater off that bloody Orc that kept walloping us with it…

(he brandishes the eggbeater)

Pippin: aaaargh! Get that thing away from me!!!

(Sam chases Pippin around in circles waving the eggbeater)

(Aragorn and Boromir exchange glances)

Boromir: You think we can make a fellowship out of these nutters, Strider?

Aragorn: Erm, well, I know I supposed to be all loyal and noble, but, erm…no.

(they walk off and leave the other insane members…well…being insane.)

THE END