Gandalf: (bangs on door and accidentally knocks a hole in it)

Bilbo: No thank you. We don’t want any more visitors, well-wishers, vacuum salesmen, or distant relations.

Gandalf: And what about sort of old friends?

Bilbo: Gandalf? Didn’t I say that one?

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins.

Bilbo: No, that’s my name.

Gandalf: Good to see you—111 years old, I wouldn’t believe it. You haven’t aged a day…well, maybe a few.

Bilbo: Come in, come in. Welcome, welcome. Soda, soda? Or maybe something stronger? I’ve got a few bottles of the old Winyards left. 1296–very good year, almost as old as I am, laid down by my daddy. What say we open one?

Gandalf: Just soda, thanks.

Bilbo: …expecting you last week…not that it matters, you always come and go as you please…you caught me a bit unprepared…(mutters about jam, tarts, lederhosen, and cheese)…Oh, no, we’re all right. I could make you some Pop-tarts if you like. Gandalf?

Gandalf: Just soda, thanks…

Bilbo: Ah, right. You don’t mind if I eat everything else in the house, do you?

Gandalf: No, no! Go right ahead!

Lobelia: Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins! (knocks down door)

Bilbo: (yells to Lobelia) No, I’m not at home!!! This is a recording! (to Gandalf again) I’ve got to get away from here! I want to see mountains, Gandalf! And pickles! Lots of pickles! And find somewhere quiet, where I can finish my comic book. Oh, soda…

Gandalf: So. You mean to go through with your plan then?

Bilbo: Yeah, yeah, it’s all in hand. All arrangements are made. Mwahaha.

Gandalf: Frodo suspects something.

Bilbo: Duh, he’s a Baggins. Not a kumquat-head from Hardbottle.

Gandalf: You will tell him, right, Bilbo?

Bilbo: Huh? Ummm…

Gandalf: (sternly) BILBO!

Bilbo: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gandalf: He’s very fond of you…

Bilbo: I know. He’d come with me if I asked him, (I think) but I think in his heart he’s still in love with the Shire. Besides, he’d get me wet. I need a holiday, and I don’t think I’ll return. In fact, I know I won’t… I’m going to Smirkwood.

(later that evening, outside Bag End, Gandalf and Bilbo stick some growling weeds into their pipes and light them. One of the weeds bites Gandalf before he manages to get it in)

Bilbo: Old Toby, finest fanged-weed in the Southfarthing. (he blows a large doughnut into the air as the weeds’ complaining growling subsides. Gandalf is unimpressed. He puffs out a large steamboat, which chugs through Bilbo’s doughnut. Another weed bites him and he winces)

Bilbo: Gandalf, this will be a night to remember!

Gandalf: (examines weed-bites) I’ll say.

Bilbo: (greeting guests, ‘Lovely to see you’, etc. and doing a tap routine)

Frodo: Go on, Sam—ask Rosie for a dance!

Sam: I think I’ll just have another Mountain Dew…or four…or six…

Frodo: Oh no, you don’t… Go on… (he pushes Sam onto the skating rink)

Gandalf: (sets off some large chartreuse fireworks shaped like kumquats, which spread out and zoom across ‘The Water’)

Bilbo: So there I was, at the mercy of three monstrous squeegees, and they were all arguing amongst themselves about how they were going to cook us-whether we’d be turned in the microwave, or whether they should make us watch Barney for days on end until we turned into jelly.But they spent so much time arguing the whether-tos and why-fors that the sun’s first light crept over the top of the trees—BING!—and turned them all into mushrooms. Mmm.

Gandalf: (sets off another small firework for the children lest they attack him with their knife sets)

Merry: Quickly (to Pippin, after boosting him up into cart) No, no, the big one…no, the bigger one, no, the really big one… (they sneak away cackling evilly)

Pippin: Done. (as Pippin lights the firework)

Merry: You’re supposed to stick it in the ground Hey, where’d the punctuation for my sentence go??

Pippin: It is in the ground!

Merry: It is?? (looks for his punctuation)

Pippin: NO! THE FIREWORK! (while Merry is still scrabbling around for his punctuation mark, the firework (shaped like a cricket) goes off and Merry and Pippin screech and hurtle twenty feet into the air. The ‘cricket’ turns and swoops down on the sockbits, who dash to get out of the way)

Frodo: Bilbo… (Frodo runs to find Bilbo) Bilbo, watch out for the cricket!

Bilbo: Cricket? Nonsense, there hasn’t been a cricket in these parts for a zillion years… YAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!

Merry: That was good, let’s get another one!

Gandalf: (Gandalf grabs them by their ears) Meriadoc Brandybuck… and Peregrin Took—I might have known.

(their ears become detached from their heads and Gandalf is left holding them. He puts the sockbits to work washing dishes while he has a can of soda)

Various: Speech, Bilbo… Speech, speech

Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles, and Proudfoots…

Everard Proudfoot: ProudFEET!

Bilbo: Today is my one-hundred and eleventieth birthday! WHEE!

Various: Happy Birthday!

Bilbo: Alas eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable sockbits.I like less than half of you half as well as you would like, and you like less than half of the leeks less than life itself.

(Shot of confused looking sockbits. Bilbo himself is also very confused by what he just said and scratches his head, trying to make sense of it.)
I, uh…, I… have stuff to do… (he is fingering the Sock in his pocket)

I’ve put this off for far too long.

I regret to announce, this is the end.

I’m going now—Bye! (this last quietly, to Frodo)

(he puts on the sock and vanishes with a loud “SKOIK!”)

Bilbo: (“Invisibly” opens gate and goes up steps, reappears cackling inside Bag End)

Gandalf: (showing up out of nowhere) I suppose you think that was terribly clever…

Bilbo: (not at all surprised) Come on, Gandalf, did you see their faces!

Gandalf: There are many magic socks in this world, Bilbo Baggins, and NONE of them should be used lightly.

Bilbo: But it barely weighs an ounce, Gandalf! It was just a bit of fun. Oh you’re probably right, as usual. You will keep an eye on Frodo, won’t you?

Gandalf: Two eyes, as often as I can spare them… Three, if I can find one more.

Bilbo: I’m leaving all my stuff to him.

Gandalf: What about this sock of yours, is that staying too?

Bilbo: Yes, yes, it’s in an envelope over there on the harpsichord.
No, wait… it’s here in my pocket…Isn’t that, isn’t that skooky…After all, why not, why shouldn’t I keep it… IT’S MINE!

Gandalf: Um, I think you’d better leave the Sock behind, Bilbo.Is that so hard?

Bilbo: Well, YES! Now it comes to it, I don’t feel like parting with it.It’s minnnne, I found it, it came to me!

Gandalf: There’s no need to get angry…

Bilbo: Well, if I’m angry, it’s your fault! It’s mine, my own, my precioussssssss!

Gandalf: Precious? It’s been called by you, but not before… Wait, hang on…that made NO sense…

Bilbo: AIIEEE!! What business is it of yourswhat I do with my own things?

Gandalf: I think you have had that Sock quite long enough.

Bilbo: You want it for yourself!

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins!!!
Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks!!
(the room darkens to a weird purpley color) I am NOT trying to rob you…I’m trying to help you. I wouldn’t want that thing in a billion years.

Bilbo: (He whimpers, sniffs, and hugs Gandalf. Apparently it runs in the family)

Gandalf: All your long, long, long years, we’ve been friends. Trust me, okay? Let it go…

Bilbo: You’re right Gandalf… The Sock must go to Frodo.It’s late, the road is long. Yes, it is time…
By the way, that’s not funny.

Gandalf: Bilbo…

Bilbo: Hmm?

Gandalf: The Sock is still in your pocket…

Bilbo: Oh, yeah… (finally he drops it and it lands with a SPLAT)

(they go outside)

Bilbo: I’ve thought up an ending for my book: And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days.

Gandalf: And I’m sure you will. But that is a cliché, you know.

Bilbo: So long, Gandalf.

Gandalf: So long, Bilbo.

Bilbo: (singing off-key) The road goes ever on and ondown from the door where it began…

Gandalf: …Until our next meeting

~*~ I am gald you all like the story ( I will make sure to tell jolene) thank you guys!~*~

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