The Gopher of the Things by ilovedolphins_2003
Okay this is a long but necessary AuthorÂ’s Note…
Welcome back, Readers! Mae Govannen! I finally got around to posting the first part of
The New Powers….but with trying to finish up everything to get to HelmÂ’s Deep itÂ’s been
really hectic. Plus I have dance for 2 hours Mondays and Thursdays, Band, and I was reading
The Mellon Chronicles. *huggles Trelan plushie* Well…anyway I have some new characters to introduce too…
Sauron: Mentally disturbed gopher with dry eyes
Eowyn: Mary-Sue
Grima Wormtongue: Head of the Llama Liberation Committee
Gollum: Bill Gates in the future :O) lol
Theoden: Changes the subject randomly (as requested by my friend, Pippin4ever)
Eomer: Is obsessed with eggs and bacon…
Treebeard: Near-sighted
Quickbeam: Likes practical jokes.
Faramir: Talks in really bad poems.
Hama: Surfer dude *impish grin*
Legolas fangirl #43: Head of the Legolas fangirls, AKA Perpendicular the obsesser, AKA Elwen
(Okay people the fangirl number represents WHEN they joined the Legolas fangirls and not their rank 🙂 )
(This character will come into play more in the next part of TNP and she is also based on none
other than myself *impish smile* Salutation has one too but she doesnÂ’t come in until next time)
And also introducing…The EmperorÂ’s New Groove cast 🙂 !!!
Disclaimer: Nothing From LotR and The EmperorÂ’s New Groove is ours. Also the intro. I got the basic idea from the Demented Cartoon Movie. Basically only the plot belongs to us (us being Salutation and I)
The title “The New Powers”refers to a lot of things that will take place…like the head fangirls
acquiring elvish magic and all that jazz lol…
That being said…Here is The New Powers-Part one!!!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Feature presentation thing…
Salutation and Perpendicular present…
A Salutation and Perpendicular production …
Of a Salutation and Perpendicular film…
The Gopher of the Thing: The New Powers [abridged version]…
The End
We are sorry for the proceeding scene. It would have made a whole lot more sense
(well, not really) if the actual intro. were for this film were completed.
Unfortunately it isnÂ’t due to general laziness. This parody will now continue in…
5
4
3
2
1 ½
1 1/4
1 1/8
1 1/16
*three hours later* 1!
Salutation and Perpendicular present…
A Salutation and Perpendicular production…really this time…
Of a Salutation and Perpen- Blah, blah, blah…
The Gopher of the Things: The New Powers (The totally NOT abridged version)
*Frodo and Sam are sleeping*
*Frodo wakes up*
Frodo: Ahhhh!
*Sam wakes up*
Sam: What is it?
Frodo: Just a dream.
Sam: The monkeys again?
Frodo: *nods* Only this time they were in…tutus *shudders*
Sam: ItÂ’ll be okay, Mr. Frodo. *puts comforting hand on his shoulder*
Frodo: *twitch* *more twitch* *twitching fit*
To Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli…
*they are still chasing Merry and Pippin*
Aragorn: *tries to run faster, but trips over a rock*
*dirt flies through the air and hits Legolas*
Legolas: No!!! *pulls out blueberry shampoo* *pours it all over his face and it gets in his eyes*
Ahhh! It burns!
*fangirls rush over and dunk his head in a bucket of water**they pull out a blow-dryer and dry him off*
Gimli: *finally catches up and sees fangirls* AHHH! Legolas, make them go away!! *collapses on ground
and rocks back and forth*
Legolas: Fangirls, go away.
Fangirl #43 (head fangirl): We must obey our leader!!! LetÂ’s go torture those llamas!!!
Fangirls: YEAH!! *they vanish*
To Merry and Pippin…
*they are being carried by Orcs*
Pippin: Weeee! This is fun!!
Merry:*steals OrcÂ’s knife*
Pippin: Shiny!! *takes it from Merry*
Merry: No!!
*they fight over it*
Orc: *smacks them both and takes his knife*
Merry: Look what youÂ’ve done!
Pippin: What IÂ’VE done?! YouÂ’re the one who stole the knife!!!
Merry:???
To Saruman in Orthanc…
Saruman: Now that I have the shoes I can go about my plan to rule the world! *maniacal laughter*
Together The Lord of Mordor and I will be unstoppable!
“Sauron”: Yeah, together. *laughs*
Saruman: What?! I have just as much power as you! I donÂ’t have to follow your orders!
“Sauron”: Go make the army bigger!
Saruman: Yes, master.
Frodo and Sam…
*they are climbing down a mountain on SamÂ’s rope*
Frodo: IÂ’m gonna fall!!
Sam:…
*Frodo falls*
Frodo: *screams* TOLD YA!!!
Sam: YouÂ’re still paranoid.
Frodo: Just because IÂ’m paranoid doesnÂ’t mean there arenÂ’t people following me!
Sam:…
*they hear footsteps*
Frodo: SEE!!
Sam:…
To Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli….
Gimli: IÂ’m hungry.
Legolas: My hair is messed up.
Aragorn: *falls* Okay! Maybe ONE five minute break
Gimli: *grabs the Lembas*
Legolas: *grabs a mirror and a brush*
5 minutes later…
Aragorn: Okay break over! Move along!!
Gimli: *with a stuffed mouth* Yesh Aiagon…
Aragorn: *lifts up an empty leaf wrapper* Gimli, did you eat it ALL?!
Gimli: I duno wat ur taken out (I dunno what youÂ’re talking about).
Legolas: Gimli, you idiot!!!
Gimli: Wha?
To Pippin…
Pippin are we there yet?
Orc: No
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Orc: No.
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Orc: No.
One hour later….
Orc: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Pippin:…Are we there yet???
Orc: ACK!
To Merry…
Merry: So…youÂ’re fired ballerinas?
Orc: Yes… I dunno why they fired us. *Orc in tutu runs up, does a leap, and lands on his face*
Other Orc: Okay, bad example…
Merry: What happened to your faces???
Orc: Oh, our new boss wonÂ’t let us wear make up.
Merry: Ooooooh…
To Pippin…
Pippin: Are-
Orc: No!
Pippin: Fine then!
To Frodo & Sam…
*Sam has finally made it down from the mountain*
*it starts to rain*
Frodo: And then I said, “Something’s coming”, and she said, “You’re odd”.
Then she slaps me, and- Sam…are you listening…?
Sam: Ugh!
Later…
*scary little creature climbs down wall*
*Frodo snores loudly*
Frodo: *while asleep* SomethingÂ’s *yawn* coming. *turns over*
Sam: *yawns* Paranoid.
Gollum: ItÂ’s just like a computer game!
Frodo: Aaaaah! *wakes up* I heard “computer”. Wake up, Sam!
Sam: *grabs Sting and puts it to GollumÂ’s throat.
Gollum: Okay, you win!
Sam: WhatÂ’s your name???
Gollum: Bill Gates no…no Gollum.
Frodo: What do you know about the “internet”, little almost bald man?
Gollum: *gives four hour speech* And thatÂ’s internet!
Frodo & Sam: *twitch* *snore*
Frodo: So, what were the gorilla and the squirrel for???
Gollum: Never mind that.
Frodo: But-
Gollum: No buts.
Frodo: Well, why did you have to kidnap the elephant?
Sam: Oliphant *snores*
Gollum:…
Frodo: Answer me!!!
Gollum: No! *starts running away*
Frodo: Sam! Wake up!
Sam: Huh? *blinks stupidly*
Frodo: Bill um…wait…I mean Gollum is getting away!
Sam: Oh…*stand up and makes a lasso. Throws it & catches Gollum*
*Gollum pulls back*
Gollum: Noooo! It burns! It is unsoiled of computer technology! Aaahhh! How it burns! *sobs*
Frodo: What is your REAL name? No mother in their right mind would name their child Gollum!
Gollum: *still sobbing* I told you Bill Gates! Okay!
Sam: No mother in their right mind would name their child after that filthy man!
The elves abolished his horrible Windows ‘95 centuries ago!
Gollum: *starts crying harder* DonÂ’t remind me!
Frodo: What is your real name?!?
Gollum: Bill g-…oh…let me see here…Smores…no…Smear…Smeagol. There, happy?
Sam: Much better.
Gollum, Smeagol, or Bill: What are your names.
Frodo: Frodo and Sam.
Smeagol: Frodo? What kind of mother would name their child Frodo?!
Frodo: *eyes start to water* I donÂ’t wanna talk about it. Hey, you wanna come with us to Mordor??
Gollum: Sure why not.
To Merry and Pippin…
*Rohirrim attack & kill orcs*
Pippin: Okay road trip over. LetÂ’s go aimlessly run into those woods.*points*
Merry: Okay!
To Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli…
Legolas: Are we there ye-
Aragorn: NOOOO!!!!!
Legolas: Could you at least straighten your hair? It looks like a tangle of vines!
Aragorn:…
1 hour later…
Aragorn: WhereÂ’s Gimli?
Legolas: I dunno…*they look around*
*Legolas looks behind them & squints*
Legolas: Oh, there he is.
Aragorn: *turns around* Where?
Legolas: That little black spot just on the horizon…
Aragorn: *shields eyes & squints* Oh! I thought that was a rock! ItÂ’s barely moving…
To Gimli…
Gimli: *pants heavily* Almost…there…must…continue…cross…-country…so…very…far…
*they hear horses*
Aragorn: Ahhh! Hide! Forget about the slow Dwarf! Every man for himself!
Legolas: But IÂ’m not a man!
Aragorn: Okay every Man, Elf, and Dwarf for himself! You happy? Now run!
*they hide by a REAL rock*
Minutes later…
*Man is holding Gimli by the legs*
Gimli: AHHH!! Put me down!
*Aragorn & Legolas appear*
Legolas: Put the Dwarf down and back away! *pulls out his bow & aims at the man*
Man: ItÂ’s a REAL Dwarf? I thought it was a My Life Size Dwarf doll that could talk!
Aragorn: *tries to conceal his laughter but fails* What do you want a Dwarf doll for?
Man: Ummmm…my daughter.
Other man: You donÂ’t have a daughter, Eomer. You donÂ’t even have a girlfriend…
Eomer: Ummm…he he…
*crowd bursts into laughter*
Eomer: *cries* I never had my own! My sister was greedy and never shared her’s!
Aragorn: Anyway…might you have seen two little people? They were with Orcs.
Eomer: Hey! IÂ’ve seen Orcs! Last night we…killed…them.
Gimli: Dead?
Legolas: Oh well…*all stare at him* What?
Aragorn: You donÂ’t care about Merry & Pippin?!
Legolas: Who?
Gimli:…
Aragorn: You know the Hobbits weÂ’ve been chasing…?
Legolas: Hobbits?! I thought we were looking for my bleach!
Aragorn: I thought Gandalf had it.
Legolas: *cries* DonÂ’t remind me.
Gimli: So…You thought we were looking for Gandalf?
Legolas: Yah.
Aragorn: Gandalf fell. He’s dead. Never coming back.
Legolas:*cries*
Near the black gate…
Sam: *points* We gotta go in there?
Gollum: Yes. *smiles evilly*
Frodo: No! It’s a trap!!
Gollum: Ahh! There on to me! I knew I should have just stayed in my cave and worked on that hard drive.
Sam:…hard drive?????
Gollum: *sigh* *gives 12 hour speech* And that’s a hard drive!
Frodo: So, why did you have to steal the banana?
Gollum: Um…uh…I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.
Frodo: Whatever…
Sam: *snore* *begins to talk in his sleep* I like purple penguins. Don’t you, Mr. Duck?
Mommy, I want my buttercup!
Frodo:…
Gollum:…Anyways, since you think it’s a trick, I will have to show you a back way. You just go up some stairs,
go through a tunnel, and poof! There you are!
Frodo: Okay.
Sam: How can I trust you?
Gollum: Uh… You just… do?!?!?!?!
Frodo: Okay…shall we leave now?
Gollum: Let me check my e-mail…
Frodo; WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Gollum: Uh, well…never mind…*shifts nervously* *silence reigns momentarily*
Sam: I miss all our friends…
Frodo: that was random, but I do too…*stares into space*
Sam: ♪You’re so far away…doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore???♪
Frodo: *Starts crying*I miss Bilbo, even if he doesn’t ever remember me!!!
Gollum: *Starts crying*I miss all that money!!!! And my mommy!!!!
WAAAHHHH!!!!!
Sam:*sniffles* We should probably leave now before we fall or something and get caught by those scary warriors
down there…*falls down toward the warriors*
Frodo: Why me????
Gollum: I dunno…good question…
Frodo: What ever happened to being just a paranoid freak who could peacefully cower in the shadows???
I always get the responsibility…
Gollum: It could be worse…
Frodo: How?
Gollum: You could have fallen from the top of the financial ladder into a block of concrete and computer parts…
Frodo: ?????
Gollum: *shifts nervously* Ummm…
Frodo: Yes?
Gollum: *Hesitates then stammers* What about Sam?
Frodo: Oh, yeah…*climbs down the cliff and rescues Sam*
Sam: I wish someone would hold my hand…*eyes water*
*Frodo and Gollum Exchange looks of utmost horror*
To Aragorn in his bathtub…
Aragorn: Warm and lovely! *sinks into the bubbles* Oh, what’s this? *picks up a bottle of Shampoo* Wow!
Limited Edition Blueberry Shampoo! COOL!!! *Squirts into his hand*
Legolas: *runs into the bathroom* Do my ears deceive me or did I hear the musical squirt of my
prized Limited Edition Blueberry Shampoo???
Aragorn: Uhhh…
Legolas: *sees Aragorn with a bluish liquid in his hair* *sniffs* NOOOO! My shampoo!
*jumps in and tries to grab shampoo bottle* *they fight over it*
Gimli: *walks up* We really should be going. Maybe Merry and Pippin are still alive.
We need to look anyways and- *sees Aragorn and Legolas* *Legolas and Aragorn stop dead in their tracks*
What are you doing? Never mind…I donÂ’t wanna know. *walks off shaking head* I need a vacation.
Legolas:…Anyways…MINE! *grabs shampoo* HAHA! ITÂ’S MINE! MUHAHAHAHA!
Aragorn: Fine! Take it! You told me to straighten my hair, and I figured why
just straighten it when I can wash it! But whatever you want.
Later…
*they come upon a pile of burning corpses*
Legolas: Sick! *makes face*
Gimli: *pokes pile with axe* Yep. Those orcs are dead alright.
Aragorn: Duh. *looks around* YES! The hobbits were here! *follows tracks* *they lead to Fangorn Forest*
Oh no. No, not me. IÂ’m not going in there.
Gimli: Umm…Legolas should go. He lives in Mirkwood. How different could it be?
Legolas: Well besides the talking trees and the age of the forest not very much, but IÂ’m NOT going alone.
Gimli: T-t-t-talking trees? *shudders*
Legolas: Well yeah. Just…donÂ’t drink the water, and you should be okay.
Aragorn: Okay…so weÂ’ll all go.
Legolas: Hey! Why should we go by your orders? Who died and made you leader?
Aragorn: Gandalf.
Legolas: Point taken.
To Merry and Pippin…
Merry: This wasnÂ’t such a good idea…*looks around at trees* This place is scary!
*sees mushrooms* MUSHROOMS! *starts stuffing face*
Pippin: *joins Merry*
Later…
*Merry is turning green*
Merry: Ugh…I ate too many. *looks around* Pippin?….Pippin?….PIPPIN?!?!?!
Pippin: Merry! HELP!
Merry: Where are you?!
Pippin: Up here!
*Merry looks up*
Merry: What are you doing in a tree?!
Pippin: It picked me up!
Merry: Pippin, have you had Ale today? *tree picks Merry up* AHHHH!
Tree: *Looks at Merry and Pippin* Little orcs! YOU MUST DIE!
Merry and Pippin: NO! WEÂ’RE HOBBITS!
Tree: *squints* Well, so you are. The white wizard will know what to do with you. *bumps into other tree*
OW! Okay moving on…oh here he is! *points to bush* Gandalf, what shall I do with these little people.
Merry: WeÂ’re Hobbits. And youÂ’re talking to a bush.
Tree: Oh…well umm….this may take a while….
Merry: Er…why are you walking towards the edge of that cliff???
Tree: Cliff? *squints* Oh, Cliff!! I thought it was a stream!
Pippin: Can’t breathe…too tight…*gasps for air*
Merry: Errr…Mr. Tree, would you-
Tree: Treebeard’s whatcha call me…
Merry: Well, anyway…maybe you should relax your grip a little because, well, to tell ya the truth-
*Pippin starts turning blue* You’re squeezing my friend to death…
Treebeard: Oh! *screws up eyes and peers at Pippin* I thought you were my stress ball!
*let’s go of Pippin who falls heavily onto the ground*
Merry: Left, sir. Left! LEFT!!! YOU’RE GOING TO STEP ON PIPPIN!!!!!!!!
Treebeard: *barely misses squishing Pippin to death* Oh, I’m terribly sorry!
I’m afraid my eyesight’s not what it used to be!
Merry: Oh, this is just great…
In the Dead Marshes….
*Gollum is babbling about finding the way through the marshes*
Sam: ♪Far over the Misty Mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old…♪
Frodo: I have the sudden urge to swim…*jumps into marshes*
*scary dead guys come after him and he jumps up through the water (I dunno how) and ten feet into the air*
*Sam and Gollum hold up cards, one says 10, and one says 9.8*
To Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli in the forest…
Legolas: Eeeewwww! I ran into a spider web!
Gimli: Why did you have to stop and take a bath, Aragorn? We’re never going to find them in this mess!
Nearby Tree: Mess!?!?! I have perfectly arranged leaves, thank you!
*They stare at each other and begin running around wildly screaming for someone to help them*
*A blinding flash of white light stops their traumatizing dilemma*
Flash: Halt, Soldiers! What is this behavior worthy of yellow stripes?
Aragorn: *Stares wide-eyed and falls over*
Legolas: The trees are talking to us, WE NEED HELP!, *starts crying*
I havenÂ’t had a shower in two days, and I want my mommy!
Everyone:…
Legolas: *while throwing a fit pulls of shoe and tosses it*
Flash: STOP THIS MADNESS! The poor shoe! *takes shoe and begins talking to it*
Gimli: Wait…I know who that is…GANDALF!
Gandalf: *reveals self and puts on nurse uniform* I think it will live…
Aragorn: Oh here we go…
Legolas: GANDALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My bleach! What have you done with my bleach, Mithrandir?!
*notices GandalfÂ’s unusually white robe* GANDALF! DID YOU USE IT?!?!
Gandalf: Uh oh…
Legolas: *screams and runs away yelling something about finding more bleach*
A week later…
*Legolas shows up with two bottles of bleach*
Gandalf: Finally! WeÂ’ve been waiting on you!
Legolas: Sorry I had to go all the way to Bree and-
Aragorn: BREE?! *falls*
Gimli: LetÂ’s just go.
Aragorn: So…whatever happened to Merry and Pippin.
Gandalf: Umm…theyÂ’re with Treebeard. I saw them walk by looking for me, but I just hid. With his vision…
I might get stepped on…
Aragorn: So, where to next?
Gandalf: Rohan.
Legolas: Oh great…
To Merry, Pippin, and Treebeard…
Treebeard: *bumps into nearby tree* *again*
Merry: *has concussion from bumping into trees* Look at the little penguins…
Pippin:…
Merry: I see a light.
Pippin: NO, MERRY! DONÂ’T FOLLOW THE LIGHT! ITÂ’S A CAR!…wait…there are no cars in Middle-earth
…okay then…
Merry: AH!! THE SQUIRRELS ARE AFTER ME! And…whatÂ’s this? A CAR! AHH!
Pippin:…
*hits another tree and Merry miraculously comes back to reality*
Merry: Just in time! I was about to get hit by a BMW.
Pippin:…
To Frodo, and Sam…
Sam: *is cooking rabbits Gollum brought*
Gollum: AHH! What are you doing! Your method of cooking is clearly lacking computer technology!
Sam:… ?
Frodo: Computers!!!! AHHH!!!!!! STOP SAYING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gollum: Oh, sorry…*shifts nervously*
Sam: WHY DO YOU KEEP SHIFTING NERVOUSLY?!?!?!?!?
Gollum: Er…well…nothing!
Sam: TELL ME!!!! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING!?!?!?!?!?!
Gollum: Nothing! *starts sweating* I- I’m not luring you into a t-trap
so that I don’t b-break my promise and l-l-let someone else to
k-k-k-kill you so I can t-take the ring and use it to fuel the
b-best computer s-software ever created!
I-I’m not hiding ANYTHING!!!!!! *shifts nervously*
Sam: Oh, that’s good, otherwise I would have to go against my
gentle Hobbit habits and terminate you.
*Gollum makes a frightened squeak**Sam continues cooking*
♪ There’s bread and cheese up on the shelf uh-hum, uh-hum…♪
To Merry and Pippin at the Ent gathering…
Merry: *yawns* How long have we been here?
Pippin: *looks at the sinking sun* 8 hours is my guess.
Merry: *looks over at the Ents* And Treebeard said he would tell us when the opening comments were over…
8 hours just for the opening comments?????
Over to the Ents…
Treebeard- So, what are we here for again?
Ent-dunno…
Other Ent-Er…huh?
Quickbeam: Oh! *looks excitedly at a powder he has*
Forgetful powder really does work!
Treebeard: How do you know?
Quickbeam: I canÂ’t remember…
Ents:…
To Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli…
Legolas: My hair is messed up.
Gimli: IÂ’m hungry.
Aragorn: My sword is too heavy.
Legolas:…My hair is STILL messed up.
Gandalf: No more complaining! *whistles* Come, Shadowfax!
*Shadowfax gallops to the top of the hill looking very heroic*
Shadowfax: Fly away! *jumps off hill and tries to fly* *falls*
Aragorn: Yay! IÂ’m not alone!
*Shadowfax finally regains his composure, and trots over to Gandalf*
Gandalf: This is Shadowfax, the lord of all horses.
Shadowfax: Yeah, sorry IÂ’m late. I had a little…problem.
Gimli: Ah! It talks! *runs back into forest*
Legolas: Oh come on, Gimli!
Aragorn: Yeah! HavenÂ’t you ever heard of Mr. Ed, the talking horse?!
Gimli: No! IÂ’m not coming out…no matter how much I hate this stupid forest.
*Ent overhears and picks Gimli up* Ahhh! Help me!
To Frodo and Sam…
*They are playing Monopoly (LotR edition of course!)
Frodo: 6! 1,2,3,4,5,6. I landed on Isengard.
Sam: I own that, and I own the rest of the yellow property too
so thatÂ’s *Reads card* uh huh you owe me 48 power.
Frodo: I donÂ’t have 48 power! I only have 32!
Sam: Then I win! You have to give me everything and retire
from the game, and since weÂ’re the only ones playing, I win!
Frodo: No! That means I go to jail!
Sam: No, I doesnÂ’t! IÂ’ll show you in the rules.
*Sam cannot find rule book*
*While the Hobbits argue, they do not hear GollumÂ’s
warning of an approaching Nazgul*
*Nazgul picks up Frodo*
*it takes Frodo to Mordor and stands him in front of an over-grown gopher*
Gopher: Tell me what you know of The One Ring.
Frodo:…this ring…is it a golden band that changes size to fit itÂ’s wearer
and corrupts them?
Gopher: Yes!
Frodo: Also does Elvish writing appear when placed in fire?
Gopher: Yeah!
Frodo: Was it forged by a dark lord in a volcano, the one place it can be destroyed?
Gopher: BY THE VALAR YES!!!!
Frodo: Never heard of it.
Gopher: Darn! Okay youÂ’re free to go.
Frodo: Yay!
Gopher: Stupid Nazgul…
Nazgul: *pouts**thinks and then remembers he is half dead so
he only has half a brain and can only think half the time and decides
that Lord Gopher-Pants was right about him being stupid*
*takes Frodo back to Sam and Gollum*
Over to Gimli and the EntÂ…
Gimli: Ahhh!!!
Ent: What did you say about this forest? *growls*
Gimli: *thinks frantically* ErrÂ…
UmmmÂ…well, letÂ’s seeÂ…I said it was beautiful and
homely and green and wonderful and-
Ent: No you didnÂ’t! You saidÂ…*looks puzzled*
Well, I canÂ’t seem to rememberÂ…*sneezes*
Stupid powder stuff of QuickbeamÂ’s!
I guess youÂ’re free to go thenÂ…
Gimli: *looks relieved* Thank you, Sir.
Ent: *drops Gimli because he forgot he was there*
Over to Frodo, Sam, and GollumÂ…
Frodo: I hate you, Sam! *cries bitterly*
Sam: Well, itÂ’s not my fault you lost the game! *Pouts*
Frodo: You didnÂ’t follow the rules and thatÂ’s why I lost!
Sam: I did too! You just didnÂ’t want to lose the gameÂ…
You always beat me, anyways! It was my turn to win!
Gollum: Now, look here you two! *puts hand on hips*
If I hear just one more word out of you IÂ’llÂ…
Sam: Spank us? *smirks childishly*
Frodo: Boil us in a big pot of oil until out hair falls out and our skin peels?
*shudders at the thought then smirks*
Both: Big Deal! *giggle at their smart mouthed joke*
Gollum: No! IÂ’ll send you right to that gang of
scary men riding those huge animal things and let them give you a lecture!
Sam and Frodo: No! Anything but that!
Sam: *ponders* WaitÂ…*comprehension dawns on his face* Oh, Them!
*they all run over and look at the evil men going to join the ranks of Lord Gopher-Pants*
Frodo: Wow! Look! A parade!
Sam and Gollum:Â…
Back to Merry and PippinÂ…
Merry: *randomly steals PippinÂ’s shoe and then puts it back and repeats process*
IÂ’m getting bored with thisÂ…
Pippin: *Is counting his shiny object collection for the 973rd time* Me tooÂ…
Both: *sigh*
*Treebeard and Quickbeam walk over to them*
Treebeard: This is Quickbeam. HeÂ’ll keep you company while we finish our meeting.
It should be over soon now that we remember what we were doingÂ…
*glances at Quickbeam who smiles guiltily*
Merry and Pippin: Cool!
To Gandalf & co. (look IÂ’m not gonna write down all those names!!!)…
*Gimli runs back out of the forest*
Gandalf: Finally! Now we can go!
Legolas: Nope! IÂ’m tanning! IÂ’ll be done in a sec.
12 hours later…
*Legolas is starting to smoke*
Aragorn: Legolas…erm.
Legolas: Okay, IÂ’m done!
*notices Gimli staring*
Legolas: What is it, Gimli?
Gimli: Ummm…*hands Legolas a mirror*
Legolas: *looks in mirror and discovers he is a bright cherry red*
*cries* Where are my fangirls when I need them?!
*Fangirls run past chasing a llama*
Llama: No! ItÂ’s me! Emperor Kuzco!
Fangirls: We donÂ’t care!!!!
*1 fangirl lunges toward llama* *she is…well…scary beyond all reason*
*llama escapes her grip and runs frantically*
Fangirl: Wait! Come back!
Legolas:…*cries*
Gandalf: DonÂ’t worry! I can fix it! *says spell*
*Legolas turns into a squirrel*
Gandalf: Oops…
Legolas: Squeaker squeak squeaken! *cries* *again*
Gandalf:…I donÂ’t speak squirrel.
*a random guy comes up and starts speaking to Legolas*
Guy: Squeaker squeak squeak?
Legolas: squeakedy squeak squeaken.
Guy: He says change him back. *runs off in the direction of the fangirls*
Gandalf: *changes Legolas back but he is still sunburnt*
Legolas: *sigh*
Later in Rohan…
*as they are about to enter the hall of Meduseld (SP?!?!?!?! *twitch*)
Hama: Like, Gandalf, dude. Grima like, totally orders you to like,
give me your weapons, like totally.
*the group hands him their weapons*
Hama: Your staff, dude.
Gandalf: Stop with the dudeÂ’s!!!
Hama: Sure thing, du-…uh…I mean Gandalf.
*Gandalf & co. enter*
Gandalf: Hail, Theoden! May your shoes never wear thin!
*Bows then polishes shoes before getting back up*
*looks expectantly around & then looks puzzled*
Theoden, where is your trusty shoe-shiner, Eomer?
Theoden: *yawns then replies wheezily* HeÂ’s been falling down on the job lately.
All he cares about are his bacon & eggs & his new My Life Size Dwarf doll.
Gandalf: Young people these days are so weird…
Theoden: Tell me about it! They think that ruling the world is a bad thing!
Gandalf: *looks suspicious* Have you been talking to Saruman?
Theoden: Err…*turns to Wormtongue who frantically shakes his head* No!
Legolas: *notices Wormtongue for the first time* Hey, I know who you are!
YouÂ’re on the FangirlÂ’s 10 Most Wanted list!
ArenÂ’t you the llama liberation leader or something?
Wormtongue: Erm…
Legolas: Gasp! You ARE arenÂ’t you?! Llama lover!!!
Wormtongue: Not so loud! *lowers voice* TheyÂ’ll hear you!
Theoden: Grima, are you really on the llamasÂ’ side?!
Wormtongue: TheyÂ’re all lying, My Lord!
Legolas: What?! You think IÂ’m lying?!?!?! IÂ’m calling my fangirls! *whistles*
Wormtongue: Noooo!!! IÂ’m must hide! Leave the country! Mommy! *cries*
*fangirls pop up*
Fangirl # 3,713: Yes, Legolas, you called?
Legolas: *points to Wormtongue* HeÂ’s on your Top 10 Most Wanted list,
& he thinks IÂ’m lying about him being part of the L.L.C.!
(Llama Liberation Committee)
Gandalf & co.: *GASP*
Fangirl #43 (fangirl leader): There is only one way to know for sure!
Bring out the hostage!
*fangirls drag up a haunted looking llama*
Legolas: Llama, what do you know of this man? *points to Grima*
Llama: ThatÂ’s him! HeÂ’s the one who turned me back into a llama!
Grima: You traitor filth!
Llama: IÂ’m not Traitor Filth! IÂ’m Emperor Kuzco!
Fangirl # 1,573,428.6: *clears throat nervously. She is…well…scary beyond all reason!*
No youÂ’re not! I found you plotting against Legolas in a pasture!
Llama: *sees fangirl #1,573,428.6* Ysma! How did you get out of kitten-form?!
WhereÂ’s Kronk?!
Ysma: Err…no, IÂ’m not Ysma! IÂ’m fangirl #1,573,428.6!
Legolas: Enough of this madness! WeÂ’ve found out what we need to know!
Take him away!
*Fangirls drag llama away*
Llama: No, wait! IÂ’m Emporer Kuzco! I want my lawyer!
*Fangirls and llama disappear*
Gimli: That was really weird…
Gandalf: I told you that getting male secretaries always leads to dirty shoes!
*makes his shoes sparkle in the dim light*
*notices TheodenÂ’s court members all have dirty shoes* *grimaces*
Theoden: *sighs* YouÂ’re right as always, Gandalf. Hama, take Grima, &
kick him out of Edoras in that way thatÂ’s so painful.
Hama: My pleasure, dude sir! *drags WT out of hall screaming & kicking*
Gandalf: I thought Eowyn was your secretary.
Theoden: *sighs* Ever since the WestfoldÂ’s been under attack,
she has to go & risk her life to save everyone .
We had to chain her up in th dungeon.
Gandalf: I think weÂ’re going to need her. Aragorn, go bring her up here
while Theoden & I have a discussion about a new shoe-shining program…
To Frodo, Sam, and Gollum at the “parade”…
Frodo: Hey…whereÂ’s all the balloons?
Sam:…
Gollum: WouldnÂ’t it be awesome to create a computer software
that could hack into those warriorsÂ’ minds?
Frodo & Sam:…*twitch* *blink*
Gollum: He he…just kidding…
Frodo: If this is a parade how come theyÂ’re arenÂ’t any scary clowns? *shudders*
Sam: Uh, Frodo…?
Frodo: Yeah.
Sam: ItÂ’s not a parade…
Frodo: *shocked silence then…* WHAT?!?!?! No, parade?!?!?!
*eyes water* I want a balloon! *weeps bitterly*
Sam & Gollum:…
To Merry, Pippin, & Quickbeam…
Merry: Are Ent gatherings always this long?
Quickbeam: TheyÂ’re usually loads longer!
*Merry and Pippin frown*
Pippin: IÂ’m bored…*sits down on rock & makes rude noise*
Merry: Pippin! ThatÂ’s rude!
Pippin: I didnÂ’t so it! *pulls whoopie cushion out from beneath him* Merry!
Merry: What? I didnÂ’t put that there!
Quickbeam: *tries to conceal laughter but fails*
Merry & Pippin: *turn to Quickbeam* You!
*random, awkward silence*
*they all burst out laughing*
To Saruman in Isengard…
Saruman: *laughs evilly as he finger paints all over the Uruk-haiÂ’s shiny armor*
He he he…who says first-graders get to have all the fun???
*orc in sheer purple skirt & tap shoes walks in on him*
Orc: Boss, what are you doing?
Saruman: *wipes hands on ropes quickly* Nothing! *notices skirt and shoes*
What are you doing?
Orc: Er…well…
Saruman: Hurry up! IÂ’ve got a world to conquer!
Orc: The Nazgul wanted us to be in their new musical and-
Saruman: What?! The nazgul?! *slowly counts to 10 & then takes a deep breath*
Now, be a good lad, and tell all your brothers and sisters…
Orc: Yes?
Saruman: TO CUT IT OUT WITH THE DANCING AND HELP ME
CONQUER THE WORLD!
*orc runs out in a hurry*
Saruman: *sighs deeply* Orcs these days…no wonder it got so hard to rule the world…
*continues finger painting*
To Minas Morgul…
The Agony Quartet: ♪Sung by the Agony- Quartet! Almost dead, but- not yet!♪ *they fall*
Nat (A.k.a. Their choreographer): Screech! Serch Screak Streech Schree!
(No! ItÂ’s stomp, stomp, smile! Not stomp, smile, fall!)
Ed (A.k.a. Their Manager): *talking on cell phone* Screech??? Scree shractch screech!
(Really? Of course we will!) *hangs up* Shcreeak! Scre Scrak Screech scretch scree scrah!
(Listen! Lord Gopher-Pants wants us to do a concert for his entire evil host! This is our big break!
If we pull this off we might get real bodies again!)
Nat: *claps hands together* Screa, schree screctch chee screechee chee schreechb!
(Well, I guess we better start working on our routine! Stomp, Stomp, clap!)
To Aragorn in the dungeon…
Aragorn: *reaches bottom of steps and slips* *falls flat on face* Oww…
Eowyn: WhoÂ’s there?
Aragorn: Just me, Aragorn son of Arathorn, IsildurÂ’s heir & rightful King of Gondor. ThatÂ’s all.
*peers into the gloomy cell*
Eowyn: I think thatÂ’s cool. Why are you on the ground?
Aragorn: *gets up* I find myself on the ground a lot lately…
Eowyn: Really? Why?
Aragorn: Well, itÂ’s a rather embarrassing, but maybe someday IÂ’ll tell you…
Why are you locked up in this cell?
Eowyn: Well, I just wanted to go and save all my people from the stupid dancing Uruk-Hai,
because they killed my cousin.
Aragorn: Really? ThatÂ’s tragic!
Eowyn: One did an awkward little spin and distracted him long enough for a couple of others
to leap elegantly through the air & stab him viciously through the weak parts of his armor.
Aragorn: Talk about adding insult to injury! *pauses* What do you do to pass the time???
Eowyn: Read comic books. What else? I love comic books!
Aragorn: Uh huh…Well, I’m supposed to bring you to Theoden and Gandalf. Where’s the key to this cell?
Eowyn: Oh, it’s not locked. The keys to these stupid shackles however are hanging over there.
Aragorn: Okay! *gets keys & unlocks Eowyn’s shackles* *Their hands touch, their eyes meet*
Sam’s voice: ♪So, this is love, ooooo, so this is l♡ve… ♪
Aragor & Eowyn: Shut up!
*singing stops abruptly*
Aragorn: Uh oh *falls*
Eowyn: *helps him up* Are you okay???
Aragorn: Yeah, I guess…You’re not going to laugh at me are you? My girlfriend always laughs at me…
Eowyn: You have a girlfriend?! *pouts then smiles sweetly* Oh, no!
I’m not going to laugh at you! I think it’s very cute the way you fall down so heroically!
Aragorn: *beams* Really??
Eowyn: Why of course!
Aragorn: *sighs and falls*
Over to Merry, Pippin, & Quickbeam…
Merry: My favorite practical joke to play on people is to steal something important,
like their sofa, and then put it in a strange place for them to find like their neighbor’s roof!
Pippin: So that was you who did that?! I thought it was Fatty Bolger!
Merry: *smiles impishly*
Pippin: I’ll get you for that but I’m still
BORED!!
Merry: Hey, Pip, we could ask the author’s for something to do. Salutation, Perpendicular,
…could we get some entertainment here??
Booming Voice from above: Sure, guys. Give us a second while we go round up the Legolas fangirls.
Pippin: Wow…*stares up at the sky in awe* *suddenly scowls*
Wait a minute…aren’t they the ones that made us bored in the first place?
Merry: Well….
Pippin: YOU ARE EVIL, SALUTATION AND PERPENDICULAR! EVIL!!!
*branch falls on his head* Ow…
Booming voice: Now then. Pippin, behave or next time it will be a tree.
*Pippin shudders*
Booming voice: Your entertainment will arrive shortly…
*a parade suddenly marches by*
*a clown losses his balloons*
Clown: My balloons!
To Frodo, Sam, and Gollum…
Frodo: *is still crying bitterly*
Sam: *hums lightly to himself*
Frodo: I’m going to run away! *runs into a man who grabs him*
AHH! *twitch*
Sam: *follows Frodo and is also captured*
Frodo: *twitch* WHO ARE YOU?!?!?!
*balloon floats by and he catches it and smiles*
Man: I am Faramir. I come from Ithilien. Please surrender if you’re…willin’??
Frodo: Erm…okay…
Other man: *sigh* He means we are taking you to Ithilien.
Frodo: Erm…okay…*stares at balloon*
To somewhere in Rohan…
Theoden: *weeps bitterly over Theodred’s grave*
*Gandalf walks up*
Gandalf: Don’t cry…think of it this way: His shoes are still okay.
Theoden: *cries even more bitterly*
*suddenly 2 children ride up on a horse*
*one falls of, asleep*
(cuts to scene in Meduseld)
Eowyn: *trying to be dramatic* The Orcs are going to attack us!
Boy: So…many…tutus… *twitch*
Legolas: Ya know…he reminds me of someone…
Gandalf: We must stay and fight.
Theoden: No, we flee to Helm’s Deep.
Gandalf: Stay and fight.
Theoden: Flee to Helm’s Deep.
Gandalf: Fight!
Theoden: Flee!
Gandalf: Fight!
Theoden: Flee!
Gandalf: Fight!
Theoden: I AM KING AND I SAY WE FLEE!!!
Aragorn: I thought I was king…
Gandalf: Ugh! Do whatever you want! I’m leaving this insane place! *marches off*
Theoden: Hama! *Hama walks up* Tell everyone to flee to Helm’s Deep!
Hama: Yeah, Dude! *walks off*
