Disclaimer: I DIDN’T DO IT!!! o_- …I mean… these characters don’t belong to me… and don’t worry, this fic has nothing to do with knitting.

Legolas sat on the ground, weeping. “WHY DOES THIS WORLD HATE ME?!” he cried.

Yes, you guessed it, he was out of conditioner.

Aragorn kicked him in the ribs. “Get up,” he grunted. But this had the opposite effect, making Legolas screech and clutch his ribs. “I HATE YOU!!” he spat, and fell into more weeping.

Gandalf looked at his Rolex and sighed. “Aragorn, you have to get him up soon. We’re already late…” They were on their way to Frodo’s birthday party. Frodo was turning 40… again. Gandalf got back on his horse and waited, watching Legolas throw a hissy fit.

Legolas hissed, and fissed, and threw rocks at Aragorn until…

“Right, I’ve had enough of this.” And Aragorn hit Legolas with the hilt of his sword, knocking him out. Aragorn picked his limp body up, and flung him onto Merry – I mean his horse. “Lets go, we’ll be late.”

“I JUST SAID THAT!” Gandalf protested.

Aragorn gave him a withering look.

“Uhh… never mind…” Gandalf backed away a bit.

Aragorn leapt on Merry’s shoulders. “ONWARD!!”

[theme music]

…

[end theme music]

They arrived at Frodo’s house in three days.

Gandalf knocked at the door.

No reply.

He knocked again.

No reply.

He swung at the door ferociously, leaving a rather large dent.

No reply.

“Gimmie that!” Aragorn took his staff.

“Can’t you read?” he asked.

“Can’t read what?” Gandalf asked.

“THAT.” Aragorn pointed at a sign near the door that read: “Door broken, use bell.”

He rung the bell, and a depressing sight came before them. Frodo stood there looking at his feet, a party hat on his head, eyes watery, nose red and runny…

“HI FRODO!!” Aragorn screamed, flinging the still K.O.ed Legolas at him. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

When they were all inside, Frodo, still moping, brought them some tea.

“Frodo, what’s the matter? It is your birthday after all.” Gandalf said, patting him on the back.

Frodo twitched, and the sound of glass shattering could be heard. “MY BIRTHDAY WAS FIVE DAYS AGO!!!” He jumped up onto the table, and knocked Aragorn’s tea cup flying.

Legolas woke up, was hit in the head by the tea cup, and passed out again.

Frodo jumped down off the table, honked Gandalf’s nose, giggled, and jumped out of the window.

Some time passed before they spoke.

“Didn’t that hurt him?” Gandalf peered at all the broken glass.

“Apparently not.” Aragorn stood up. “Well come on, we’ve got to find him before he hurts someone else.
So Aragorn and Gandalf went after Frodo. There was no sign of him until they saw a sign with a picture of Frodo scribbled on it, pointing north.

They followed it, and it led them up some cliffs Sam had put in with his new authority as “Cliff Inspector”. After a mile or two, they saw another sign with Frodo’s picture on it, pointing towards the cliffs edge. They stared at it.

“Well, signs never lied to me before,” Aragorn said, walked over the cliff, and fell.

Gandalf followed, and also fell.

They fell for about 5.598721436573205 seconds. Remember, hobbit cliffs are relatively short.

They dusted themselves off, and continued to walk when Gandalf snapped a twig, ensnaring them in a net over a pot of boiling water.

“…How didn’t we notice that?” Aragorn muttered.

A cackling surrounded them from all sides. A hideous laughter, cold and demeaning.

“SHOW YOURSELF!” Aragorn yelled.

The laughter stopped, and an apple flew out of the shadows and hit Aragorn on the head.

“Ha! REVENGE!!!” The voice said triumphantly.

“…Pippin?” Gandalf asked.

And sure enough, Pippin scuttled out of the shadows. “How’d ya know?” he pouted.

“Well!” Gandalf said. “It wasn’t the fact that you’ve already done this to us twice this week.”

Pippin grimaced. “Oh..”

Aragorn rubbed his head. “Well you did better this time, for a while I thought it was Frodo.”

“Where is Frodo, by the way?” Gandalf inquired.

“Frodo? Oh, the nice men in the black robes caught him a while ago.” Pippin said, picking up the apple he had thrown at Aragorn’s skull. He looked at it, noticed all the grease that was now on it, shrugged, and took a bite. “Very nice about it, they were. Polite. Didn’t even ask for a tip, like the men who took me when I went mad.”

“Oh. Well, since we don’t have to catch Frodo anymore, can you let us down?” Aragorn asked, smiling.

“Nah, I’d rather boil ya.” Pippin said, walking over to the crank and starting to lower them into the boiling water.

DUN dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

[[ooh, cliffhanger]]