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findemaxam48
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on: November 21, 2014 10:54
I love the same element as Blue, rhodil. Very good for a first draft as well!
We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame. You'd hang on every word I'd say, but now they only ricochet.
rhodilwen
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on: November 22, 2014 01:40
Thanks, guys!
maxie- I'm in my (what feels like) bazillionth round of editing. This is for my new book that I will be sending off to the publisher next week!
The men of the east may spell the stars/ and times and triumphs mark/ But the men signed with the cross of Christ/ go gaily in the dark- G.K. Chesterton ~Member of the Realm of Ulmo~ http://clairembanschbach.wordpress.com/
findemaxam48
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on: November 22, 2014 01:46
Yay! Best of luck, rhodil!
We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame. You'd hang on every word I'd say, but now they only ricochet.
BlueberryMuffins76
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on: November 23, 2014 03:03
Good luck, rhodil! As I said I really like it & hope the publishers do as well!
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13, NIV I'm a fanfiction writer and appreciate reviews! Check me out at https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6434280/BlueberryMuffins76
findemaxam48
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on: November 24, 2014 11:14
Happy Monday to all!


The last prompt went down very well. I was thrilled to see some short stories on here, as well as some poetry!

Prompt Number Eight (I think.)

First Sentences: I had found it, and now, all I needed to do was protect it, protect it with my life. A small price to pay, for something that would either save or destroy the world. No pressure.
We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame. You'd hang on every word I'd say, but now they only ricochet.
findemaxam48
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on: November 24, 2014 11:52
Here is mine:

I run to the beat of my heart

Have no memories but the ones I make
And the ones I make last a lifetime
Do you believe me?

Finding things to hold on to is so difficult, and I am always
On edge from the day to day.
Understand, now, that this is
Not a game the faint of heart should play. See,
Don't tangle up threads you have no intention of cutting apart.

It's a simple situation:
There are people who do nothing, and people who do anything.

And I bet that by now, you have guessed which one I am.
Not a bystander, not me.
Do not under estimate the young.

"Next!" The man behind the counter calls, and I step up.
On the counter is an odd array of trinkets,
Which only seem to be found in random pawn shops across the Western coast.

All of my government grants were spent here, "wasted" on
Ladies hats and coats,
Long lost paintings of ages gone by.

It's in the genes, because my parents are hunters of treasure.

Needless waste of time, some say, but
Even through histories attempts,
Even through elaborate cover ups,and
Desperate grabs for things of old American
Expense, some old historical things have survived
Damage. It is my parent's job to find things of importance,

Try to decipher what are where they came from,
Or if it was of value at all,

Weigh the use,
And
Show it off to important heads of state.

"Pricey," I say, to an old blue
Rhinestone collar the owner of the show shows me.
"Onyx," He tells me in reply. "Genuine.
Took me years to find something like this for myself."
Everything in this shop is as old as him, so I reckon that he is
Correct. But, then again, if it is
Truly of value, it would have been gone by now.

"It's nice, but now that we are going for at
This time," I say. The

Proprietor sighs and
Replaces it to it's shelf, then pulling out a book that was sitting
On a stand.
"This," He says proudly, "is very old. And-"
"Exactly like the one we have," I
Cut him off.
"Thanks, though."

It, too, is placed back again. I look at
The clock. This is taking longer than I thought.

"What about this?" He asks, handing me a small, velvet bag,
Inlaid with tiny gems. I have seen
This before-
Handmade, valueless things,

Made cheap and come cheap, that are no value to anyone who knew what they are.
Yet, my job forces me to open up the bag, and I see that the

Light shines against something
Inside. Amused at the
Finding, I peer inside further, my
Excitement piqued.

A

Small brooch,
Made with silver, shines
Against the velvet of the bag. I
Lift out the prize carefully, weary of damaging the only piece of
Luck I have had in days. i see no

Price on the bag, but I am sure that the
Range of my allowance will cover
It.
"Can you tell me the cost?" I ask the now
Enigmatic shop keeper.

"To tell you the truth," he says, "I don't
Overprice many things. But that, that is a bit of a large

Price."
A natural con man. I sigh and say,
"You know where I get my resources. How much?"

"For you?" He asks.
"Only six hundred."
Rats. I hadn't expected that.

So it will take a bit of explaining.
OK, I am not the best at explaining. But
Mom will love this. The
Energy from it is unmistakable. "I'll
Take it," I say,
Happy that my parent's job permits such things.
Incidentally, Mr. Shopkeeper is
Not pleased. he knows me by name, and says,
"Gina. I am not too keen on parting with

This. I will have to raise the price to eight
Hundred."
Again, a scammer. I sigh and say,
"That's fine. I'll take it, please." I set the bag down softly on the

Wood,
On the smooth counter top.
Underneath the wood is a collection of miscellany. I'd go through it, but it's my
Lucky
Day.

Energy continues to buzz through me as
I pull out
The bills that will cover my cost.
Hundreds and twenties are all that I have.
Either way, shopkeeper takes the money and
Rolls it into a stack.

"Save the change," I say. He hasn't bothered to count it.
Another customer comes in, and the owner drops the
Vast wealth of my purchase into my hand.
Energy fades quickly, after a purchase is made. I weave by customers

Ogling old clothes and shoes,
Racing for the

Door. My
Energy now drained, I open up the
Silken bag once more.
True to the indoor light, the brooch shines outside, as well. The
Royal blue silk compliments it more
Out here, though.
Yet again, I knew it would.

The wind
Howls,
Entertaining the leaves still on the trees. They

Whirl about in circles, twisting
On the sidewalks. I walk on the
Right, avoiding cars that speed by on the
Left. I don't like
Driving, because I like to take my time,

Not rush everywhere. I also prefer being
On my own to being in a group. I cradle my

Prize close to me as I walk,
Reluctant of getting it wet or windblown. I
Exersize extreme caution with all artifacts.
So do Mom and Dad, but that is the price you pay for
Saving and restoring history. I put the pouch
Under my jacket, wondering, exactly, what
Risks I took today, and wondering what power lies within the bag that could
Entice the world.


We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame. You'd hang on every word I'd say, but now they only ricochet.
BlueberryMuffins76
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on: November 24, 2014 01:46
I love your short story, Maxie! For some reason it made me feel as though I was in the western USA (not that I've ever been there lol) & reminded me of one of my favorite authors, Stephen Bly. It's a very intriguing storyline. Did you mean to write it out to look like a poem? I don't read prose or poetry,so I'm not that familiar with how prose works.
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13, NIV I'm a fanfiction writer and appreciate reviews! Check me out at https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6434280/BlueberryMuffins76
Cenor
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on: November 24, 2014 02:38
OMG Rhodi!!!!!!! I love it!!!!! Who is this friend?! If you hurt Emeth.....................

Wow Maxie I haven't seen that writing style before but it's awesome!

Nice prompt....I will start working.
Image "Every good pirate has an alias" Felix glanced down, looking at contraption around the stump of his wrist. "Hook," he answered. "My name will be Hook."
rhodilwen
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on: November 24, 2014 03:00
ha ha! Cenor, you will find out... *evil grin*

question, maxie- for this one, do we need to use the prompt as the first sentence? Or just build off the idea? Your style is crazy cool! What's it called?
The men of the east may spell the stars/ and times and triumphs mark/ But the men signed with the cross of Christ/ go gaily in the dark- G.K. Chesterton ~Member of the Realm of Ulmo~ http://clairembanschbach.wordpress.com/
Cenor
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on: November 24, 2014 03:28
*Proceeds to pull hair out* Aahhhhh! Your going to kill me with suspense!!!!!!!!

Rhodi! I took this online quiz...mythological beasts...and I danced for joy when I got the Phoenix.

I want to request this shirt from a company. Black with a red Phoenix on front. Or one with a hawk and wolf...uhhh what is Aredor's colors?
Image "Every good pirate has an alias" Felix glanced down, looking at contraption around the stump of his wrist. "Hook," he answered. "My name will be Hook."
rhodilwen
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on: November 24, 2014 03:52
Phoenix are awesome. Aredor's color is a dark charcoal blue with a running grey wolf. Corin also gets a banner in this one. He gets black with a silver hawk. Just in case you were wondering. Also, once i turn in the manuscript this week, I'll have books in 90 days, so can your suspense wait till March-ish?
The men of the east may spell the stars/ and times and triumphs mark/ But the men signed with the cross of Christ/ go gaily in the dark- G.K. Chesterton ~Member of the Realm of Ulmo~ http://clairembanschbach.wordpress.com/
OneSizeFitsAll
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on: November 24, 2014 06:29
Wow. I've fallen quite a bit behind these last couple days. Great job to both of you, Rhodi and Maxie!! I really liked both of your stories!!
Image"The Corrupteds are going to wake up and find that they are strong." -Cenor
rhodilwen
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on: November 24, 2014 08:18
Ok, so I've been posting a lot recently. Question for y'all. Does "The End" come before or after an epilogue? I had "The End" in my last book and wanted this one to be similar. Thoughts on placement? I've googled it and gotten answers for both. :/
The men of the east may spell the stars/ and times and triumphs mark/ But the men signed with the cross of Christ/ go gaily in the dark- G.K. Chesterton ~Member of the Realm of Ulmo~ http://clairembanschbach.wordpress.com/
OneSizeFitsAll
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on: November 25, 2014 05:43
I usually see "The End" before the epilogue in books I read, Rhodi, but I think it really depends on the book. Does your epilogue give more important information about the story you're telling? If so, I would put "The End" afterwards. Or is the epilogue more of an after thought or post credits scene...providing a teaser for the next book, giving you a glimpse of what goes on after the story ends, or something like that, not directly following the actual plot of the book? If so, I would put "The End" first.
I don't know if that helps, or even if it made sense. :s Excited to see what other people say about this!!

[Edited on 11/26/2014 by OneSizeFitsAll]
Image"The Corrupteds are going to wake up and find that they are strong." -Cenor
BlueberryMuffins76
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on: November 25, 2014 09:04
Rhodi, I second OneSizeFitsAll! I prefer the idea of having "the end" at the end of the epilogue, but like she said your epilogue could be more of an afterthought & thus it makes sense to put "the end" before it.
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13, NIV I'm a fanfiction writer and appreciate reviews! Check me out at https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6434280/BlueberryMuffins76
Eruwestiel_Evensong
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on: November 25, 2014 11:50
Maxie, I really liked your story! It was ingenious to begin each sentence with a letter of the prompt. Writing an acronym story must take quite awhile.

[Edited on 11/25/2014 by Eruwestiel_Evensong]
"And I dreamed of seas and ships, and of waves crashing on the shore in the twilight of the world..." ~Song, member of the Realm of Ulmo
BlueberryMuffins76
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on: November 25, 2014 12:14
Lol I am laughing at myself for being so silly! Thank you Eruwestiel_Evensong for pointing out that Maxie's story is an acronym! It certainly is ingenious & I feel silly that I did not notice that before.
Here is my story from prompt 8:
"“I had found it, and now, all I needed to do was protect it, protect it with my life. A small price to pay, for something that would either save or destroy the world. No pressure.”
Jael thought this to herself as she gazed at the object she had just uncovered. As an archeologist, her hands held dirt like a magnet and she relished the thought of digging up priceless artifacts and later identifying and classifying them. Today’s particular find proved to be the climax of all the history of archeology. However, danger lurked in the air.
Rival archeological teams potentially hid around every corner, waiting to steal whatever Jael’s teammates found for their own purposes. So many places to hide in the foothills of the Andes Mountains, her vigilance must be maintained at all times. Jael knew the article she held was priceless and these evil people could not get their hands on it no matter what. Sewn into her shirt was a special pouch in case such a need should ever arise, which she prayed would never happen. Today marked the first day of the pocket’s use, and it would not be the last.
Suddenly, Jael realized her enthrallment with her find hindered her watchfulness. Startled, she looked fervently around at the Andes Mountains behind her. The rest of her team continued working their sections, knowing nothing of what had just transpired at her site. Another thorough panning of 360° satisfied her that no one caught wind of her priceless discovery. She relaxed and smiled, her dark features portraying her excitement but also a hint of fear. Nobody would ever find out about the item, not even her best friend. Her secret was hers alone, both a trial and a blessing. Her trust in God would see her through any rough times that might lie ahead, and she knew her duty to love her neighbor as herself included safeguarding her find, as in the wrong hands it potentially might lead to the destruction of the world as she knew it. She was blessed to be the one to get her hands on it before anyone else, yet at the same time she was scared. She knew she had no strength in and of herself to never use this object, whether for good or evil, but God would protect her from the temptation.
Jael laughed to herself. “I am like Bilbo when he first found the Ring!” she reflected, enjoying being able to relate her life to one of her favorite books. “It is my job to protect my find until I can pass it into the hands of someone who is meant to mete out its destiny. Until then I shall allow no one to touch or use it. But Jael, whatever you do, do not let yourself succumb to its power like Bilbo did with the Ring!”
Lost in thought, she was startled when her friend and coworker Mandy popped up beside her, seemingly out of nowhere. “Hi Jael! Anything good yet? I’ve had no luck.”
How could she answer truthfully yet refrain from revealing her secret. “Um, I mostly have found dirt, as usual. We likely are not digging in the right places, or even the right area.”
“Probably. Oh well. Do you need anything while I’m taking a break?”
“A bottle of water would be lovely! The foothills of these mountains are so warm in the summer!”
“Okay! Be back in a jiff!” With that Mandy was gone.
Jael breathed a sigh of relief. What a close call! She could not afford to let anyone else know; after all, perhaps one of her own team was a mole and would reveal secrets to their enemy archeologists. Trusting anyone but God now out of the question, Jael felt alone in the world even though she knew He always remained with her, whether she could feel His presence or not. She discreetly patted her hidden pocket, assuring her burden was safe and sound. Satisfied, she looked for Mandy to return with their water bottles, determined to not let down her guard again."
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13, NIV I'm a fanfiction writer and appreciate reviews! Check me out at https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6434280/BlueberryMuffins76
findemaxam48
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on: November 25, 2014 04:28
I like it, Blue. The pacing is much better, I can already see how you are improving.

The prompt is to begin with the first sentence, rhodil, but you can cheat the system, like me.

"You have keen eyes, Miss Song." Congrats on figuring out the acronym! I was wondering if anyone would get that!

"The End" goes after an epilogue. http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=225935

We discussed it in English class, and I found this as well. Just some other opinions, too.

[Edited on 11/25/2014 by findemaxam48]
We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame. You'd hang on every word I'd say, but now they only ricochet.
Cenor
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on: November 25, 2014 05:07
Good Job Blue!

I can wait...maybe...March just in time for my B'day!

Here is mine, I hoped it isn't as rushed as I was.


I had received the Farantillcus’ codes, and now, all I needed to do was protect them, protect them with my life. A small price to pay, for something that would either save or destroy the world. No pressure. These were stupid things to think sitting bound in an Iron Chair staring straight at the Torturer, wielding a vial of noisome Liquid, but that was all my panicked mind could think about. I didn’t need to worry about the codes really, They wanted me to tell them where Andricus was, only, I didn’t know. Or didn’t care, you pick. But They thought I knew, and that made me care, or wish I cared.
“One last time Idiot boy,” the Torturer warned, “where is he?”
I gave him my all too famous “You talking to me?” look and received for my troubles a slap across the face. The next moment the needle of the vial was shoved into my arm and the stinging Liquid was injected into it. Seconds passed before my eyes rolled back into my head and I started shaking, pain shooting through my body. Minutes passed but they seemed like hours and still my body was racked with the Convulsions. From across the room a new voice spoke, oh great, He was here. Not Him, my mind screamed, it will only get worse. The Convulsions slowed and my vision was returning to normal, yet the aftershock of the Liquid still clung to me. He and the Torturer were talking in low tones sometimes pointing at me and sometimes pointing at the door. I leaned back and closed my eyes.
Perhaps while they are talking I should tell you a bit about the codes and myself. I am Crateencus of the planet Farantillcus, who is at war with Him and his planet Draynelles. He has already conquered our planet, well most of it, Telecalitcus, city of the Five Codes, hasn’t been totally demolished. The Five Pillars still stand and that is what worries Them. There are Five people that the Faran of Farantillcus entrusts the Codes. What are the Codes? A special sequence of what humans call numbers and letters, in patterns that are easy to learn if one knows the pattern. These Codes can destroy or prevent the self-destruction of Farantillcus, who will destroy herself if there is no Faran in 100 days of the late Faran’s death or if the Codes aren’t entered. They are interconnected in some way, don’t ask me. I am Telecalitcus’ Idiot, the stupid one of the city. You know, the one that is laughing hysterically at nothing, can’t read or write, who looks dumb, and can’t remember a thing. Yes I am all of these things, I disappoint the Farantillcusians, for they are known for their intelligence and seriousness, thus the codes. Only I’m smarter than most Idiots, that’s why the dying Faran entrusted his codes with me.
The Torturer and Him crossed the room quickly. My bonds were released and He grabbed me by my collar.
“You know the last codes?” He asked.
I choked on His foul breath and turned my head away. He pinned me to the nearest wall. What did I say in the Convulsions? Too much. No, my life was over and so was the lives of every Farantillcusian. They and Him would have no mercy and would enslave my people, my people.
“He must hold the executive Code,” the Torturer whispered loudly. “all the others have been entered.”
So they must have caught Andricus, poor soul, he was good to me despite my stupidity. He threw me over to one of his black-armored guards. I was dragged, well I couldn’t walk, to the Five pillars, four of which had already turned a deathly grey. I gawked at them while the guards lead me to the last, white pillar. He pulled a recognizable vial from his pocket, the Liquid.
“Without the Iron Chair to restrain you, you will cause yourself more pain,” He snarled, “Type the Codes.”
I took a deep breath, the other’s had started it and now I must finish it. Slowly I punched the Codes in, fulfilling each level until the last Code needed.
“Have you read our Books of Law?” I asked Him.
“Get on with it,” He growled.
I started typing again.
“Our Founders built these pillars to protect Farantillcus from overthrow by another planet.”
“They have failed.” He answered roughly.
Only three more sequences.
“What does an Idiot know of the Books of Law?” He asked suddenly, “you can’t read.”
“Only I can,” I replied, “else I wouldn’t be typing in the codes.
Two left.
He stared at me, now He looked like the idiot.
One.
“Wait!” He cried, “Stop!”
He raised his weapon but I was too quick. Farantillcus shook and rumbled as I finished typing. The weapon fell from His hands and he stared horrified at me.
“The stupid are wise and the wise are fools,” I quoted the Book of Laws.
Liquid fire leaked from the pillars, they looked like bleeding ghosts. The Explosion deafened me and for a moment I felt the searing pain as Farantillcus destroyed herself. I would go to Racus, maker of the Books of Laws, and he who we honored by ending all of our cities, names and even our planet with the last three letters of Racus' name. The fire swallowed me. Then there was nothing.

[Edited on 11/26/2014 by Cenor]
Image "Every good pirate has an alias" Felix glanced down, looking at contraption around the stump of his wrist. "Hook," he answered. "My name will be Hook."
OneSizeFitsAll
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on: November 25, 2014 05:59
Blue, yes, the pacing is definitely much better!! Also, I really liked the dialogue! It sounds so natural...which is something I have a lot of trouble with. On the whole, I couldn't find a whole lot to criticize, this time...great job!!!

Maxie, would you mind giving us a few of the reasons your English class gave why "The End" should always go after the epilogue? I checked out the link, but it wasn't especially helpful, since I also found a lot of stuff online saying "The End" should go before the epilogue. Just wondering...and, in case you guys haven't noticed by now, I always want to challenge the system.

Cenor, I really like the way you always italicized all the pronouns referring to your villain...it was a neat stylistic technique. I thought that the story might have been more powerful had the long paragraph about Crateencus and Farantillcus been spread out into several paragraphs, in a couple different places, instead of giving the readers a big block of history to chew on all at once, but, ultimately, that's a matter of taste. Otherwise, good job!!
Image"The Corrupteds are going to wake up and find that they are strong." -Cenor
BlueberryMuffins76
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on: November 25, 2014 07:06
Thanks everyone! I can tell I'm improving as well, although I still have a long way to go.
Cenor, once again I like your story! I find it interesting that you wrote it in first person yet your main character appears to die in the end; to me that says that he either survived or went to an afterlife and wrote the story, which is really neat! It isn't rushed for the most part, so you have improved!
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13, NIV I'm a fanfiction writer and appreciate reviews! Check me out at https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6434280/BlueberryMuffins76
rhodilwen
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on: November 25, 2014 07:47
I like yours, Blue! I want to know what the artifact is!!!

Cenor- I got some chills at the end of yours.

And nice work, maxie. That was a really cool idea.

I'll work on my prompt sometime soon hopefully. As for my epilogue question, thanks for the feedback!! The story ends but then the epilogue is a "one year later..." type deal and I tell you what happens to the main characters and end with how they die, so I'm really thinking about putting "The End" after the epilogue. And I really want people to read it because I think it's one of my favorite pieces I've written.
The men of the east may spell the stars/ and times and triumphs mark/ But the men signed with the cross of Christ/ go gaily in the dark- G.K. Chesterton ~Member of the Realm of Ulmo~ http://clairembanschbach.wordpress.com/
BlueberryMuffins76
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on: November 26, 2014 07:58
Rhodi, I'd love to read your story when you are done! It sounds interesting.
As for the artifact, I actually have no clue what it is! I thought having an air of mystery might be nice since I couldn't figure out what it could be. So I will leave that to your imagination! Actually, as I wrote I thought it might make a good storyline for a romantic suspense, but I shall see. I certainly should figure out what that object is before proceeding!
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13, NIV I'm a fanfiction writer and appreciate reviews! Check me out at https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6434280/BlueberryMuffins76
Cenor
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on: November 26, 2014 10:30
Blue I believe the ending is called "Indefinite" the ending is left unclear for a reason. Have you read the Giver? But since the explosion started in Telecalitcus he probably didn't survive.

Gem I love huge bites of history because it seems to increase the tension. The trick is to make the history important and interesting lest the reader skim over it to see what happens next *looks around guiltily.* Did I succeed?

What do you think or imagine Him and They to be or look like? I only got a vague glimpse while writing and I wanted to see what you thought of them.
Image "Every good pirate has an alias" Felix glanced down, looking at contraption around the stump of his wrist. "Hook," he answered. "My name will be Hook."
BlueberryMuffins76
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on: November 26, 2014 11:47
Ok, Cenor, I get it! Yes, I read the Giver & liked it, but it's been a long time so I don't remember it clearly. I guess it ended like that? I actually heard there are some sequels to it!
I think "Him" is a tall, olive-skinned man with dark eyes and a haughty look, thin but with some muscles, a rather foreboding character.
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13, NIV I'm a fanfiction writer and appreciate reviews! Check me out at https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6434280/BlueberryMuffins76
rhodilwen
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on: November 26, 2014 12:08
I got kind of the same impression as Blue. I liked your history parts, Cenor. I didn't think it got too chunky.

@Blue- I'm so glad you want to read it! It's a sequel, so check out my first book "The Rise of Aredor" http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the+rise+of+aredor
The men of the east may spell the stars/ and times and triumphs mark/ But the men signed with the cross of Christ/ go gaily in the dark- G.K. Chesterton ~Member of the Realm of Ulmo~ http://clairembanschbach.wordpress.com/
BlueberryMuffins76
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on: November 26, 2014 03:13
Thanks! I'll have to see if I can find it at the library, or I always ask for books for my birthday & Christmas lol
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13, NIV I'm a fanfiction writer and appreciate reviews! Check me out at https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6434280/BlueberryMuffins76
findemaxam48
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on: November 26, 2014 03:45
The reason why "The End" should go after the epilogue is because the epilogue is, in essence, the end. Though I must say I haven't seen it too much in adult and YA lit, mostly children's lit. But you wouldn't put "the end" before something if there was more after it. That would be like saying "The end!" after the second movement of a three piece song, even though there is one last movement after the second.

Cenor, good! Pacing is better, once again.
We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame. You'd hang on every word I'd say, but now they only ricochet.
rhodilwen
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on: November 26, 2014 06:31
So this is mine. I pounded it out really quick, so there might be a lot of mistakes. I decided to use some characters from a sci-fi story I'm working on. Sorry it's super long.

"I had found it, and now, all I needed to do was protect it, protect it with my life. A small price to pay, for something that would either save or destroy the world. No pressure."
The young man sitting across from Banfaith rubbed the back of his neck.
“Yeah, but what did you find?” he asked.
“I told you. An object beyond measure,” Banfaith said. Captain David Standish rolled his eyes.
“Well, that’s great for you, but what’s the "special object" got to do with me?”
Banfaith looked around the tavern before leaning closer across the table.
“Everything…Worldjumper,” he whispered. David sat up straighter.
“How’d you know…?”
“Rumors abound. I made it my business to find someone who could take the…item to a safer place than Dragoris.”
“OK, so you know about my ship’s capabilities, now, what is it you want?”
“I need you to take me and the object to Artik, normally a three month journey by space ship, but you- your ship can slip between worlds in the blink of an eye,” Banfaith said. David leaned closer.
“Tempting offer, but I don’t just let people onto my ship. I need some assurance…”
“A thousand credit advance,” Banfaith interrupted. David sat back. The job he’d come here for had been a bust anyway. Or maybe it was just a setup for the earnest looking Dragorian to meet him. He had a good story, too. Something that appealed to the young, honest trader. Well, if he was being honest- smuggler.
“OK. I’ll take the job. When do we leave?” the words were barely out of his mouth when Banfaith’s face went slack with horror.
“Now!” he squeaked. David looked up to see the green uniforms of the guards who served the tyrranical dictator of Dragoris making a beeline for their table. He’d had a few unpleasant run-ins with the little green men as he called them. Another good reason to help Banfaith. He jammed his captain’s hat on his head, grabbed his new client, and hustled out the back door.
The door was nearly wrenched off its hinges as the soldiers followed.
“Come on, come on!” David was practically carrying Banfaith. “You have it with you?” he asked. The Dragorian only nodded. “Good, we’re going to need a quick getaway!” David unholstered his Tezla gun as shots began to ring out. He turned and fired one of his one. “Light bullets” his old mentor had called the gun’s ammunition. He had ten shots before the gun needed to recharge. After that, he’d have to use the cutlass sheathed under his heavy oilskin jacket.
They hurtled around a corner and Banfaith gained his feet and began to run alongside David.
“How far is your ship?” he panted.
“Not much further!” David replied. Of course he’d left the comm on the ship. Typical. There was another shot and Banfaith screamed. David turned in horror as the little man fell.
“No, don’t do this to me!” David bent over him.
“It’s your responsibility now,” Banfaith whispered, pressing a large, round object into David’s hands. “Take it to Artik. They’re expecting you!” and he died. David wished he could do something for the man, but he shoved the object into a pocket of his jacket and started running again.
“Enda!” he shouted as he reached the docks. The bulky shape of the Saltador loomed in the dark- a man o’ war powered by the blimp tethered to its deck. Light flared on the deck and a furry head popped over the railing. His first mate saw David running full pelt towards the ship and the green jackets pursuing him. Typical. The Anbae roused the other crew members and the ship came to life. The blimp began to tug at the ropes as it filled with helium. The thrusters roared against the dock and other crewmembers provided cover fire as David ran up the gangplank. Enda, a taller, talking version of an Earthen sea otter, bounded alongside David as he hurried to the quarterdeck.
“What happened?” he asked over the roar of the engines and guns.
“Tell you later. Hold this!” David tossed the object to him and Enda caught it against his furry body. David pulled a spyglass from his pocket and trained it on the sky until he found what he was looking for. A swirling hole in the night sky, lit in bright green and blue colors. He spun the wheel as the ship rose and pointed it to the portal. They’d navigate to Artik later; he just wanted to get the heck out of dodge. There was a brilliant flash of light as they passed through the portal and into the sunlit sky of another planet on the other side.
“Uh…Captain…” Enda was staring down at the object. It was trembling and had begun to crack.
“Oh, no!” David reached for it but then the shell exploded and a small reptile lay in Enda’s lap. Spikes ridged its head down to its pointed tail, and soft leathery wings were folded against its green body. Dragoris…Dragon…David weakly thought. Banfaith had found it. The last dragon in the galaxy. Whoever controlled it, controlled Dragoris. And now it was on his ship. The thing would either save or destroy a world. No pressure.
The men of the east may spell the stars/ and times and triumphs mark/ But the men signed with the cross of Christ/ go gaily in the dark- G.K. Chesterton ~Member of the Realm of Ulmo~ http://clairembanschbach.wordpress.com/
BlueberryMuffins76
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on: November 26, 2014 06:55
Rhodil, I love it! You give such mystery surrounding the object & then it turns out to be a dragon egg. That's so creative. I think it flows pretty well for being done in a hurry! I must say I am bit confused on what type of creature everyone is, but that is likely because I don't read or watch much sci-fi.
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13, NIV I'm a fanfiction writer and appreciate reviews! Check me out at https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6434280/BlueberryMuffins76
Mareth_Ravenlock
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on: November 27, 2014 06:13
Haven't had time yet to read everyone's posts, but I will first chance I get.

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving! And if you aren't in the US...well, happy Thursday! I hope all my lovely writer friends had an awesome day.
~Llama Warrior of Nessa~ Sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. - Lewis Carrol
rhodilwen
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on: November 28, 2014 09:20
Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

@Blue- that was most likely my fault. That's what I get for writing a story and posting without letting it sit for awhile and editing again.
The men of the east may spell the stars/ and times and triumphs mark/ But the men signed with the cross of Christ/ go gaily in the dark- G.K. Chesterton ~Member of the Realm of Ulmo~ http://clairembanschbach.wordpress.com/
Cenor
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on: November 28, 2014 10:20
Great job Rhodi!

I get a similar picture as you Blue but this is a different planet so I imagine He is an alien of some sort. I think They would be a council of some sort.
Image "Every good pirate has an alias" Felix glanced down, looking at contraption around the stump of his wrist. "Hook," he answered. "My name will be Hook."
findemaxam48
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on: November 28, 2014 03:40
Rhodil, very good!
We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame. You'd hang on every word I'd say, but now they only ricochet.
OneSizeFitsAll
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on: November 29, 2014 12:07
Cenor: *blushes guiltily* To be honest, I just skimmed over the history section. I reread it after you asked, and it was very interesting, but I find huge blocks of history intimidating when I read. It's probably fine, because as I said, it was interesting, and nobody else minded...most likely I'm just part of a small group of people who are too lazy to read the history. The idea about increasing the tension is really cool!
I didn't get a definite picture of what he looked like. To me, he seemed like an illusive shadow...a nameless dread that was too horrible (not necessarily in appearance, but possibly that too) to be described or talked about in detail. And I really liked that...it had a neat feel.

Maxie: There's where I disagree, I guess. I don't view every epilogue as the end of the story. For me, more often than not, the story consists in the plot line, which often (though not always) ends before the epilogue. Putting the end after some epilogues seems like putting the closing of the letter (Love, so and so/Sincerely, so and so) before the post script. If you view "The End" as something that comes, not after the plot has ended, but after the entire book of words has, then that makes a little more sense...but I've never seen anyone write "The End" after the index or glossary. Or on the back cover. Did I miss something (not talking about on the back cover...but what you said)?

Rhodi: I like how your dialogue flows so nicely!! My main problem was that most of this really reminded me of a certain scene from Star Wars...but I might just be obsessed.

And, to make this post even longer, here's my prompt (I did kinda stretch the rules):

I had found it, and now, all I needed to do was protect it, protect it with my life. My child, my baby they had stolen from me. He looked up at me now for the first time since they had taken him away, his eyes full of fear and pain. Pain that they had brought him. Pain that I would not allow them to bring upon him again. He was mine. Mine to love. Mine to protect. Mine to die for.
A small price to pay, for something that would either save or destroy the world. I knew what he was capable of. I had known his father. I had known him best...I, his wife. The mother of his son. The son that was so like him. Yes, I knew what he was capable of...he would follow his father. And it was my responsibility--my duty--to bring him up to that destiny, to that power.
No pressure. If I made a mistake, took a misstep, it well might mean the destruction of all I held dear...of my life, of my child, of the world itself. I was the one in charge of the fate of the universe. No pressure at all.
Image"The Corrupteds are going to wake up and find that they are strong." -Cenor
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