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tarcolan
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Post Favourite jokes
on: June 09, 2013 10:05
"Mummy, mummy, there's a man at the door with a bill."

"Don't be silly dear, it must be a duck with a hat on."
BelleBayard
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on: June 09, 2013 01:13
Heh... Not heard that one before. Perhaps a UK joke? Funny thing is, my mind is blank on any jokes at the moment.
lotrelessar94
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on: June 10, 2013 01:23
A couple years back in middle school, these types of jokes called "Yo Mama" jokes were super popular!! Of course, no one was actually bashing their mother, but they were hilarious anyways. Here's some examples that aren't inappropriate (some of them did get pretty bad, come to think of it):

"Yo Mama's so fat that she wakes up on both sides of the bed."
"Yo Mama's so ugly that she entered an Ugly Contest and the judge said 'Sorry, no professionals.'"
"Yo Mama's so fat that I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing!"

And my favorite:
"Yo mama's so fat that she fell in love and broke it."

Enjoy I know, they're weird but they sum up my middle school experiences
"Fantasy is escapist, and that is its glory. If a soldier is imprisoned by the enemy, don’t we consider it his duty to escape?. . .If we value the freedom of mind and soul, if we’re partisans of liberty, then it’s our plain duty to escape, and to take as many people with us as we can!"
Lindarielwen
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on: June 10, 2013 04:19
Knock knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Why are you crying?
My destiny is riding again, rolling in the rain, unwinding in the wind. My destiny is fighting again, secretly unwinding..what it was I was supposed to say...to say to you today.
LinweSingollo
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on: June 12, 2013 04:29
This favorite will most likely reveal my dark side:

A blind man was shopping for groceries when he grabbed his seeing-eye dog by the tail and began twirling him around over his head. A clerk came up to him and asked: "Can I help you find anything?" The blind man replied: "No thanks. I'm just looking."
"To the Hobbits. May they outlast the Sarumans and see spring again in the trees." J.R.R. Tolkien
tarcolan
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on: June 12, 2013 05:32
Hoho! Good'un Linwe.

A guy with one ear in a bar, his friend says "Do you want a drink?" and he says "No thanks I've got one 'ere"
RodwenAravilui5136
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on: June 12, 2013 05:51
OH!! I have a blind man joke to!
An older lady was taking a shower and she heard a knock at her door. She called out
"Who is it?" The man answered
"The blind man!" The lady thought she should see what he wanted, and since he was blind, she could go out with no clothes.
The lady opened her front door (naked) and the man looked surprised.
"What do you need?" She asked.
"Oh! I was just coming to look at your window blinds..."
(Get it? BLIND MAN!)
"While you're doing fine, there's some people and I, who have a really tough time getting through this life so excuse us while we sing to the sky." -Twenty One Pilots
lotrelessar94
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on: June 18, 2013 08:39
Bahaha you told us that one already, Rodwen I guess no one liked my yo mama jokes They are kind of crude, but funny.
"Fantasy is escapist, and that is its glory. If a soldier is imprisoned by the enemy, don’t we consider it his duty to escape?. . .If we value the freedom of mind and soul, if we’re partisans of liberty, then it’s our plain duty to escape, and to take as many people with us as we can!"
RodwenAravilui5136
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on: June 18, 2013 11:28
lol! I love yo-mama jokes! You just have to lighten up! It's not like we're really making fun of people! Its like a very modern version or knock-knock jokes!!! Some of them are hilarious!!
"While you're doing fine, there's some people and I, who have a really tough time getting through this life so excuse us while we sing to the sky." -Twenty One Pilots
Mareth_Ravenlock
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on: June 18, 2013 02:37
I hope the following doesn't offend any of you blondes....

Person 1# "How do you drown a blonde?"

Person 2# "I don't know."

Person 1# "Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker on the bottom of a swimming pool."

How do you keep a blonde busy for seven hours?

Give her a piece of paper that says "Turn over" on both sides.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops. They all hide in a barn.

The brunet hides with the pigs, the redhead hides with the horses and the blonde hides behind a sack of potatoes. The cops enter the barn and shine a flash light on the pigs, the brunette says "oink oink" and the cops move on. The cops shine their flash lights on the horses, the redhead goes "neigh neigh". Finally the cops shine a light on the sack of potatoes and the blond says "potato potato".






[Edited on 06/18/2013 by Mareth_Ravenlock]
~Llama Warrior of Nessa~ Sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. - Lewis Carrol
tarcolan
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on: July 03, 2013 01:13
Hey watch it! I'm a blond I think. That's fair hair right? Hang on *looks in mirror* Yes I am. I never understood people who dye their hair blond. Do they want to get more stupiderer or what?

Anyway here's a joke from the Geordie comedian Bobby Thompson, The Little Waster. Find him on youtube if you like but you won't be able to understand him unless you're from the northeast of England. My dad came from Durham so I've a head start.

I came down for breakfast and the missus says "You can't have any tea or coffee there's no water, but you can have a boiled egg." I still don't know how she boiled that egg.
Mareth_Ravenlock
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on: July 03, 2013 07:44
That's a good question, tarcolan.

Five-year-old: "I wonder what thumbs are for."

Seven-year-old: "They're to hold up the bottoms of sandwiches."
~Llama Warrior of Nessa~ Sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. - Lewis Carrol
tarcolan
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on: July 15, 2013 01:02
It's true what they say about women. It's an irregular plural.
RodwenAravilui5136
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on: July 31, 2013 05:02
Lol! Mareth, your jokes funny!
I'm a blonde too, but I love blonde jokes!

Q-What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A-Pull the pin out and throw it back
"While you're doing fine, there's some people and I, who have a really tough time getting through this life so excuse us while we sing to the sky." -Twenty One Pilots
RodwenAravilui5136
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on: July 31, 2013 05:52
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.

A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree.

He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."

"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker.

"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.

***

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!! -Blonde




"While you're doing fine, there's some people and I, who have a really tough time getting through this life so excuse us while we sing to the sky." -Twenty One Pilots
findemaxam48
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on: August 01, 2013 11:09
Lol! I think you told me that. Off of lotrelessers post, I have a "Yo Mama" joke, too.

"Yo mamas so stupid, she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl."
We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame. You'd hang on every word I'd say, but now they only ricochet.
Jedi Knight Elrohir Sparrow
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on: July 20, 2014 07:38
Okay, okay, I got a totally original one I made up a few years back.
'What do you never find green beans in the washing machine?'
Answer: 'cause they've already BEAN washed!!!'
Hahahaha...! *incessant laughter*
Thank you, thank you!

(all rights to Jedi Knight Elrohir Sparrow)
"A time may come soon, when none will return. Then there will be need of valour without renown, for none shall remember the deeds that are done in the last defence of your homes. Yet the deeds will not be less valiant because they are unpraised." --Aragorn, Return of the King, pg. 767
Gandolorin
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on: July 21, 2014 10:43
The extended family meets to celebrate the youngest addition, just two weeks old.
Lots of oooing and coooing, and of course the usual "who does the baby resemble most?"

The four-year-old sibling pipes up with: "Looks most like grampaw!"

All turn to the sibling and ask: "Why do you think so?"

Sibling: "Easy - got no hair an' no teeth!"

[Edited on 07/21/2014 by Gandolorin]
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findemaxam48
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on: July 21, 2014 04:47
That's a good one, Gando.
We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame. You'd hang on every word I'd say, but now they only ricochet.
rhodilwen
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on: July 21, 2014 06:00
Some of my personal favorites.

What did the astronaut think when he saw bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.

Why was the archaeologist depressed?
His career was in ruins.
The men of the east may spell the stars/ and times and triumphs mark/ But the men signed with the cross of Christ/ go gaily in the dark- G.K. Chesterton ~Member of the Realm of Ulmo~ http://clairembanschbach.wordpress.com/
Cenor
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on: July 22, 2014 12:52
LOL Rhodi. The thing that befuddles me is that people still fall for the old riddle "As I was going to St. Ives" Its the oldest one in the book!
Image "Every good pirate has an alias" Felix glanced down, looking at contraption around the stump of his wrist. "Hook," he answered. "My name will be Hook."
findemaxam48
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on: July 22, 2014 05:38
Two little girls stand in their bathroom, looking curiously at the scale on the floor. One goes to step on it, and the other screams, "Don't!"

Her sister leaps away from the scale. "Why?" she asks.

Her sister answers, "Because when Mommy steps on it, she cries!"
We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame. You'd hang on every word I'd say, but now they only ricochet.
Gandolorin
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on: July 23, 2014 09:46
"You seem like an intelligent, honest man who wouldn't lie to the court," the lawyer said sarcastically to the witness.
"If I wasn't under oath I'd return the compliment," said the witness.
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Gandolorin
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on: July 24, 2014 03:15
Two men are sitting at a bar, and a dog lies in the back of one man's bar stool. The other man notices the dog and asks the first man: "Does your dog bite?" First man replies: "No, never". Second man bows down to pet the dog and gets badly nipped for his troubles. "I thought you said you dog doesn't bite!" the second man snaps at the first man angrily. "That's not my dog" says the first man calmly.
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Lindarielwen
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on: October 15, 2014 07:39
Here's a dumb one I heard the other day

What did the daddy buffalo say to his son as the youngster went off to school?

"Bye, son." get it? get it?
My destiny is riding again, rolling in the rain, unwinding in the wind. My destiny is fighting again, secretly unwinding..what it was I was supposed to say...to say to you today.
findemaxam48
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on: October 15, 2014 12:13
Oh my goodness. It took me a minute, but I got it! Bye-son...haha.
We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame. You'd hang on every word I'd say, but now they only ricochet.
Lindarielwen
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on: October 15, 2014 07:18
Maxie, I think your comment was funnier than the joke!
My destiny is riding again, rolling in the rain, unwinding in the wind. My destiny is fighting again, secretly unwinding..what it was I was supposed to say...to say to you today.
Gandolorin
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on: October 16, 2014 01:06
The young lawyer had just opened for business. He had been sitting behind his desk for a week when at last he saw a man come into his outer office. Quickly he picked up the phone and pretended to be negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about large sums of money and possible Court proceedings. When he hung up, he looked at the visitor and asked, "Can I help you?"
"Yes," said the man, "I've come to connect your phone."
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findemaxam48
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on: October 16, 2014 01:17


Haha. That sounds like something that would happen to me, Gando!
We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame. You'd hang on every word I'd say, but now they only ricochet.
Jedi Knight Elrohir Sparrow
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on: October 26, 2014 05:18
Really good jokes, guys. Hehe.
"A time may come soon, when none will return. Then there will be need of valour without renown, for none shall remember the deeds that are done in the last defence of your homes. Yet the deeds will not be less valiant because they are unpraised." --Aragorn, Return of the King, pg. 767
Cenor
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on: October 26, 2014 08:35
Oh my I should come here more often...Lol
Image "Every good pirate has an alias" Felix glanced down, looking at contraption around the stump of his wrist. "Hook," he answered. "My name will be Hook."
Gandolorin
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on: October 27, 2014 12:42
Have you heard the story about the Scotsman who gave an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman ten pounds each?
.
.
.
.
Neither has anyone else.
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Jedi Knight Elrohir Sparrow
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on: November 05, 2014 07:18
Good one Gandolorin.
"A time may come soon, when none will return. Then there will be need of valour without renown, for none shall remember the deeds that are done in the last defence of your homes. Yet the deeds will not be less valiant because they are unpraised." --Aragorn, Return of the King, pg. 767
Gandolorin
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on: November 05, 2014 10:55
I don't play golf. It ruins a nice long walk.
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PSK
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on: March 30, 2015 02:33
I was reading back and saw some yo mama jokes, so:

Yo mama's so fat, on the first day of class she sat next to everybody
Yo mama's so dumb, she tripped over a wireless connection
Yo mama's so fat, her portrait fell off the wall
Yo mama's so dumb she tried to look over a glass wall
Yo mama's so fat, when she went for a swim in the sea, the whales started singing, "we are family."


And a blonde joke (no offence):

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were stuck on an island. The coast was 1km away, and the only way to get off the island was to swim.
The redhead wasn't a great swimmer but she went first anyway. She got a quarter of the way and then she drowned.
The brunette was even worse, and she drowned as soon as she got into the deep waters.
The blonde was a fantastic swimmer, so she swam half way, but then she decided she was tired and she swam back to the island.

And another:

A blonde walked into an electronics shop and decided to buy a nice looking TV. She asked the owner if she could have it, but he refused, and said that they didn't sell to blondes.
She was offended, and the next day she dressed up as a brunette, changed her looks with make-up and went back to try to buy the TV. She got the same response from the owner.
She was confused as to how the man knew she was a blonde. She changed her appearance again, getting her friends to see if her disguise was good enough. The man gave the same reply when she asked to buy the TV.
"How do you know I am a blonde?" she asked.
"Because that's not a TV, its a microwave," he replied.

(That joke obviously pre-dates flat screen TV's, apologies)
"Tears unnumbered ye shall shed; and the Valar will fence Valinor against you, and shut you out, so that not even the echo of your lamentation shall pass over the mountains." ~ The Doom of Mandos
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