Fellowship of the Ring: A Ballad

By evilechipmunk3

Parody of "American Pie" by Don McLean

A long, long time ago–
But Elrond still remembers–
Back when Sauron used to act so great.
He gave out rings to lots of folks;
None suspected the evil hoax.
Well, they did, but it was way too late.
The Men were so consumed with greed;
The Dwarves skipped out in time of need;
And the Elves–they tried, but face it:
All they could do was trace it.
Isildur cut it off Sauron’s hand
To kill the fiend and save the land,
But he kept the evil, golden band;
He was not a real bright man.

Why, why, why can’t Boromir die?
Broke his friends up,
But he ends up
As a really swell guy.
Frodo’s gone; now all the plans are awry;
And the Ring just keeps on drawing the Eye;
the Ring just keeps on drawing the Eye…

Bilbo was getting kind of old
When he got drafted to look for gold–
And then a whole new tale began.
Dwarves and dragons, goblins too;
It was all so big and rough and new,
Almost more than he could stand.
He found the Ring while crawlin’ round
In Gollum’s tunnels underground.
He put it on his hand,
But at first he didn’t understand
That invisible he had become;
He was just a shadow in the sun–
And the ring he found, it was The One.
What had that short guy done?

Things really picked up again
When Bilbo “poofed” and left Bag End,
So Frodo got the Ring–poor guy.
That Hobbit had to leave but quick;
Black Riders were coming fast and thick;
At first Gandalf wouldn’t say why.
But before he left for Isengard
He told his friend the job was hard.
Frodo had to flee the Shire;
The situation was quite dire.
With him went old Sam Gamgee,
Who got caught while he was dropping eves,
And Merry and Pip, who’s roles were key–
They all set out for Bree.

When got there they were on their own–
It was strange but Gandalf hadn’t shown,
There was no help that they could see.
Then a Ranger popped out of the blue;
He was smart, and beat up Riders, too;
He didn’t even charge a fee.
But then Frodo almost died,
Or got converted to the Dark Side–
Those Ringwraith swords are rough,
But Frodo was really tough.
They fixed him but that’s not the end,
The Ring was really not his friend–
It seems that nice guys just can’t win;
He’d soon be off again.

Helter-skelter, far from any shelter
The Nine got caught in a snowy welter–
Psycho-wizard strikes again.
Down to the Moria they went
Where greedy dwaves made quite a dent
And a Balrog came up from a fiery vent.
Well, Gandalf held it back awhile
With his elven-sword and wizard-guile;
At first it looked like he might win,
But it took him with it in the end.
Everyone went out and cried–
They thought that Gandalf really died,
But time to mourn they were denied;
From Orcs they had to hide.

Galadriel saw they had the blues,
With her they shared their crappy news;
She was nice and let them stay.

From Lorien they had to go,
The group had taken quite a blow,
And things were crumbling anyway.
Then Boromir tried to snatch the Ring,
So Frodo split to save the thing.
This was the final token;
The Fellowship was broken.
Well, Boromir redeemed himself
But died, so Ranger, Dwarf, and Elf
Must chase with all their speed and stealth
Their Orc-abducted peeps.

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Fellowship of the Ring: A Ballad