By rangerelderaen
Parody of "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry

*From Lady Arwen’s POV as she tells the others what to do when Aragorn comes home from one of his long journeys.

If Estel Comes Home

If Estel comes home, wash his hair in water-
Tho’ it might take more’n a dozen gallons.
Throw him in the river at dawn
And cut his hair for it has grown far too long.

(ah-oh, ah-oh)

Oh…And buy him a new suit, it will look real dapper:
One with a red tie and ee’n a jacket of blue velour-
Oh, uh… and maybe made of silk from far far away now,
One that is ordered from the long off town of Breeee.

A good suit …at a great price-
Yes, you should have just enough time.

If Estel comes home, wash his hair in water-
Tho’ it might take more’n a dozen gallons.
Throw him in the river at dawn
And cut his hair for it has grown far too long.

A good suit …at a great price-
Yes, you should have just enough time.

And now he’s lookin’ nice when he comes into the parlor;
He’s as clean as the sheen on the new kitchen table:
I’ve never seen him lookin’ quite this clean.
But it sure feels nice to hold onto his hand.

There’s a new café now here in our Rivendell-
Who would’ve thought we woulda gone in together?
Thanks to a good suit…at a great price-
Yes, you had just enough time.

Let’s put on our best, Elves,
For he no longer smells…
And this is all so much fun.

A day at the local Elf-Mart, oh no, I’ll make it more than several.
I can shop so much more now that he’s bearable-
People will no longer run away from this certain danger,
For Aragorn no longer looks like a Rangerrr.

If Estel comes home, wash his hair in water-
Tho’ it might take more’n a dozen gallons.
Throw him in the river at dawn
And cut his hair for it has grown far too long.

(ah-oh)
The value of a deal
Is here shown now.

Gather round your friends; leave them all clear orders-
And they’ll help your fiancée look a lot cleaner.

(ah-oh)
A good suit at a great price;
I had just enough time.

Let’s put on our best, Elves,
For he no longer smells….