Fan-fiction & Poems
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Fan-fiction: Submitted by Feathoron
Title: Monty Python and the Holy Grail: LotR Edition
Pippin: Halt! Who goes there?
Aragorn: It is I, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, from the castle of Minas Tirith.
King of Gondor, defeater of the Southrons, and heir of Isildur!
Pippin: Who's the other one?
Aragorn: I am, and this is my trusty servant Boromir. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Minas Tirith. I must speak with your lord and master.
Pippin: What, ridden on a horse?
Aragorn: Yes.
Pippin: You're using coconuts!
Aragorn: What?
Pippin: You've got two empty 'alves of coconuts and you're bangin' 'em together!
Aragorn: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. Through the kingdom of Rohan, through...
Pippin: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Aragorn: Taken aback We found them.
Pippin: Found them? In Rohan? The coconut's tropical!
Aragorn: What do you mean?
Pippin: This is a temperate zone!
Aragorn: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house marten or the plummer may seek warmer climes in winter, but these are not strangers to our land!
Pippin: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Aragorn: Not at all! They could be carried.
Pippin: Incredulous What, a swallow, carrying a coconut?
Aragorn: It could grip it by the husk!
Pippin: It's not a question of where 'e grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut!
Aragorn: Exasperated Well it doesn't matter! Will you go and tell your master that Aragorn from the court of Minas Tirith is here!
Pause
Pippin: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
Aragorn: Please!
Pippin: Patiently Am I right.
Aragorn: I'm not interested!
Merry appears on the rampart
Merry: It could be carried by a Lothlorien swallow!
Pippin: Oh, yeah, a Lothlorien swallow, maybe, but not a Gondorian swallow, that's my point.
Merry: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
Aragorn: Exasperated Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Minas Tirith!!
Pause
Pippin: But then of course, Lothlorien swallows are non-migratory.
Merry: Oh yeah...
Aragorn and Boromir give up and trot away
Pippin: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
Merry: Wait a minute! Supposing *two* swallows carried it together!
Pippin: Nooo..... They'd have to have it on a line...
Merry: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
Pippin: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Merry: Well, why not?
The Tale of Elwen Ranmir By Elwen_Ranmir
Twenty years after Legolas sailed to Aman, he wedded Linloth, a Teleri of Alqualondë. They dwelt in Alqualondë and Legolas became a great master of ships. After three years, Linloth bore him a daughter and she was called Êlwen, meaning maiden of the stars. Now, it came to pass that when Êlwen was but two and forty years, she went on a voyage with her father. It happened that a great tempest arose and she was washed overboard.
By the grace of the Valar, she was washed ashore near the mouth of the Anduin in Middle-Earth. She wandered up the river, never speaking, yet conveying sorrow, wonder and hope with her eyes. All who saw her loved her and knew her beauty, and as they knew not her name, she was called Ranmír, meaning wandering jewel in her own tongue.
Eventually, she wandered into the city of Gondor. There, in the white city of Minas Tirith, dwelt Tar-Ellessar and Arwen, his queen. Now, when Arwen heard there was one of Elven-kindred in Gondor, she requested that Ranmír be brought before her. So it was that Êlwen met these friends of her father.
When Êlwen came before the King and Queen, she immediately knew them by name. “My Lady!” she exclaimed, “You must be Arwen Undomíal, for you walk in the likeness of Luthien Tínuviel and unless my father is mistaken, you share also her fate.”
Arwen smiled. “I am indeed Arwen, who was once of Elven-kindred, but am now counted among Men.”
Then Êlwen turned to the King and said: “That would make you Ellessar, Aragorn, whom my father first knew as Estel in Imladris. He and his friends speak often of you and your role in the Company of the Ring, the Nine Walkers.”
Then Aragorn became curious, for something in her face was familiar and he asked: “Who is your father and his friend of whom you speak?”
“My father is Legolas Greenleaf, formerly of Mirkwood. Do you not know his friends and yours? They are Bilbo and Frodo Baggins; Samwise Gamgee; Gimli, son of Glóin; and Mithrandir, better known as Gandalf among Men. Even others who were not of the Company speak often of you and Arwen: Elrond, Galadriel, Celeborn and others who you met but who have now passed into the West.”
Then Aragorn recognized her, for though she had her mother’s dark hair and eyes, her face was more like to her father’s. Aragorn ordered lodgings for her and decreed that a ship be built so she could return to Aman. But, ere it was finished, Legolas himself sailed up the Anduin to ask for Aragorn’s aid in seeking his daughter. When he learned that she too, was in Minas Tirith, he hastened to meet her. However, Êlwen and Arwen had become fast friends and she wished to stay longer. Her father agreed to wait and the four spent many long hours exchanging tales and songs. Êlwen especially loved to hear of Aragorn and Arwen’s wedding. Soon though, the call of the sea was again strong in Legolas’s heart and he felt it was time to leave. Êlwen wished to stay in Middle-Earth and trace the journey of the Fellowship, which Aragorn and Legolas had marked on a map for her.
The day came when they were to depart. Legolas stood near his ship with Êlwen and she sang to him.
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again.
What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come
To carry you home.¹
“Do not dismay, Ada. We will meet again.”
“Yes,” he replied. “It is as my hobbit friends used to sing:
Home lies behind
The world ahead
And there are many paths to tread²
“Namárië Ada!” she cried, embracing him. “May the Sun shine upon your journey!”
“And may she shine on yours!” He then boarded his ship and sailed away down the Anuin.
Êlwen watched until he was out of sight. Then she mounted her loaned horse and rode of down the road singing an old song Frodo had taught her.
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet
Until it meets some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And wither then? I cannot say.³
¹this song is not my own, it was written by Annie Lennox for the RotK soundtrack, but I liked it and it fit my purpose
²again, this is not my song, the words are by Tolkien, but they appear also on the RotK soundtrack.
³and once again, this is not my song, but one by Tolkien, found in the FotR book
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, though Êlwen and Linloth are of my own creation, see footnotes for further disclaimers.
Author’s note: I know not all of the info is accurate, but I changed it a bit to fit my needs (like when Legolas sailed to Aman).
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