August 8, 2003, 4:15 p.m.

In a press conference held earlier today in downtown Los Angeles, Gollum officially announced his candidacy in the upcoming California Governor Recall Election.

Gollum will be running for neither the Republican nor the Democratic party. He is the first recorded representative in any election for the ‘Precious Party’. Little is known about the Precious Party since its creation last spring. However this new party has quickly gained momentum and finds new party members by the hundreds. Gollum’s party support is seemingly enough as he was able to submit 5,472 signatures of California registered voters, while only 65 are required.

Surprisingly, Gollum was able to post the $3,500 filing fee due to his backer: George Lucas. When asked why he had decided to support Gollum in his candidacy, Lucas replied, “I was going to back Yoda but…well…he died.” When pressed further, Lucas stated, “I’ve got all this money and nothing to do. Plus the little guy is just so cute! And if Arnold and Gary Coleman have a chance, nothing is holding this guy down!”

So what does our new candidate have to say about his bid in the upcoming election? He proposes to rid California of “nasssty industrial factories” and return the area to its natural state, or a slightly altered version: swampland. He also proposes a new solution to the energy crisis that has plagued the state for some time: “When the yellow face goes down…nasssty lights stay off.” When the problem of the decreasing school budgets arose Gollum merely replied, “Teach them about fisssshesss…” In fact, Gollum would like to see California return to the bartering system, using fish as currency instead of dollars. Representatives of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) could not be reached for comment.