LOTR: The Lost Scrolls – The Two Towers

Part One
By: OlorinTheWhite

Scene 1: Some mountain lookin’ things…

Scene 1 1/2: Inside the mountain lookin’ things…

Balrog:….These sets are faulty as-WAAAAAHHHHH!!!

(Bridge Crumbles; Gandalf and Balrog fall)

Aragorn: We lose more wizards that way.

(Gandalf and Balrog fight each other while falling thousands upon thousands of feet; amazingly, Gandalf’s beard is not tousled. They eventually end up falling into a huge lake-river cave sea of darkness; very creepy.)

Gandalf: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Balrog: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

(Frodo wakes from what seemed to be a dream)

Frodo: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Aragorn: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Gimli: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Legolas: Yo, we’re not in this scene.

Aragorn: Oh yeah.

Sam: What’s going on, Mr. Frodo!

Frodo: Nothing…

Sam: Well then what was that flashback cleverly disguised as a dream all about?

Frodo: I dunno…Gandalf can’t swim anyway; he’s as good as dead.

Sam: I figured as much.

Frodo: -No use worrying about it anymore.

Sam: I suppose.

Frodo: Definitely not a plot device….

Sam: If you say so.

Frodo: No chance of him living through that bazillion foot fall-

Sam: -Maybe not.
Frodo: He’s a goner.

Sam: I don’t think we should worry about it-

Frodo: -He had to have made it, Sam!!? Why can’t you realize that?!!

Sam: Huh?

Scene 2: The Emyn Muil

Sam: Mmm…Lembas. And chocolate Lembas. And more chocolate Lembas. Fat-free Lembas, Tofu Lembas, Sugar-free Lembas, Lemon Lembas, Chicken Lembas, Lembas Lembas, Sour Cream and Onion Lembas. Lembas with Lembas flavored filling on top of Lembas. Lembas 2000. Lembas XP. Lembas Pro, The Gospel According to Lembas, Lenny Lembas and the Leafettes, Dr. Hector Lembas Jr. Sr. , Esquire-

Frodo: Don’t you get sick of that crap?

Sam: Well um…no.

Frodo: I’d rather eat dirt than Lembas!

Sam: How about we compromise with some nice hearty Dirt-flavored Lembas! (reaches into bag)

Frodo: SAM WHY DON’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FAT STUPID LEMBAS EATING TWIT!

Sam: Someone’s been eating too much of the grumpy Lembas….

Frodo: You’re a loony.

Sam: Not bad, actually….

Frodo: Just shut up.

Sam: Look, Frodo, I know that the Ring has a really tight hold of you. I know you don’t mean those things you say. I know that the entire world rests on the fate of this quest, and that all the forces of evil are out to destroy you, but could you lighten up?? I mean come on, look on the bright side….wait there is no bright side. You could at least be happy to have food!

Frodo: After you’re finished there isn’t much to have…

Sam: See now, I know you didn’t mean that.

Frodo: Bite me.

Scene 3: The Emyn Muil…Again

Sam: There’s a foul stench in the air…can you smell it?

Frodo: It was me. All that Pork n’ Beans Lembas was welling up inside of me and-

Sam: Frodo I’m serious.

Frodo: Yeah, I smell it. We’re not alone.

Sam: Nice foreshadowing.

Frodo: Thanks.

(later, while they’re sleeping)

Gollum: sstupid hhobbitssessss…takesss the preciouss from me, givesess me this sspeech impediment, and then foreshadowss me to death. What happened to the element of surpri-

(the hobbits jump up and attack Gollum and wrestle him to the ground)

Frodo: This is Sting. You’ve seen it before haven’t you, Gollum??

Gollum: How sshould I know?

Frodo: Didn’t Bilbo attack you with it?

Gollum: …no.

Frodo: Oh sorry then I guess you really haven’t seen it before. My apologies.

Scene 4: Guess…The Emyn Muil!

Gollum: AAAAAAHHHHOOOOOWWWWWIICCHAAA!!!

Sam: What’s his deal?

Frodo: He’s a sad, tormented soul, Sam. And I pity him.

Gollum: It’ss this blassted elvessy rope you sentimental fluff!

Sam: Elvesy? Is that even a word? I think he’s trying to trick us!

Gollum: Ohh the foresshadowing, preciouss!

Sam: And don’t call me precious.

Frodo: Let’s take it off him.

Sam: What? Are you crazy? He’ll jump us at night!

Gollum: You wissshh.

Frodo: He’s a sad, tormented soul, Sam. And I pity him.

Gollum: Oh brother, preciouss.

Sam: Wait! He might know the way to Mordor!

Gollum: Aren’t we sss-sssmart.

Frodo: He knows the pain of bearing a Ring, as do I. Therefore, we will be kind to him.

Gollum: Now we’re getting somewhere, preciouss-

Frodo: He’s a sad, tormented soul, Sam. And I pity him.

Gollum: And I thought I was a nutjob.

Scene 5: The Uruk Hai are running…surprise, surprise

Pippin: Merry! Merry! Merry Merry Merry! Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Merrrrryyy!

Merry: Shut up, Pippin!

(Uruk Hai stop)

Merry: I was talking to him!

Uruk Hai 1: What is it? What do you smell? (Chorus of sniffing)

Pippin: It wasn’t me-

Uruk Hai 2: Manflesh!

Pippin: Aragorn!

Merry: Or any of the other hundred thousand men in this area.

Uruk Hai 1: You stopped us to smell manflesh?

Uruk Hai 2: …I like manflesh.

Uruk Hai 3: Saruman says NO MANFLESH until we get to Isengard! They’re only getting closer! Let’s keep running.

Uruk Hai 2: Whatever.

Pippin: I’ll drop my brooch so they can find it!

Merry: Pippin you’re an idiot.

Pippin: I am?

Merry: One, it’s a leaf. Leaves are green. Grass is green. Might as well have thrown down a clump of dirt-

Pippin: I think I still have one-

Merry: Shut up! Two, thousands of really fat Uruk Hai stomping it into the ground will probably bury it a few inches. And three,
I doubt anyone’s after us in the first place.

Uruk Hai 2: They’re on our trail! If we don’t hurry up they’ll catch us!!

Pippin: Haha, Merry.

Scene 6: Aragorn, listening to a rock…with Gimli and Legolas

Aragorn: Hmmmmmmmm……

Legolas: Aragorn are you ok? Do you have an ear infection or something-

Aragorn: Quiet! I can hear their footsteps!

Legolas: I think that’s just Gimli.

Gimli: (Following and breathing heavily) I am short and fat and out of shape!

(much laughter from everyone; Gimli is hilarious, you know)

Aragorn: We must hurry! They’re not far in front of us!

(they run)

Legolas: Hurry, Gimli!

Gimli: I’m still short and fat and out of shape! (more laughter)
And I’m also hungry! (huge uproar) And….and…my legs are shorter than theirs!

(audience is dying with laughter)

Aragorn: (shouting back) Cut it out, Gimli!

(they run a LOT; they come to the leaf Pippin dropped)

(don’t ask)

Aragorn: Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall.

Legolas: Especially when they’re not real leaves.

Aragorn: Gah! You ruined my poetic moment!

Legolas: It’s not in the books anyway, you should be happy.

Aragorn: Yes it is! And how would you know, you can’t even read!

Legolas: What does that have to do with anything?

Aragorn: *sigh* Let’s go!

Legolas: Come on, Gimli!

Gimli: But I’m short and fat an-

Aragorn: Those jokes were only funny the first time.

Gimli: Well I’m going to use them until they’re fresh and funny again!

(They run)

(And run)

Aragorn: Rohan, home of the horse-lords. There is something strange at work here. Some evil gives speed to these creatures, sets its will against us.

Gimli: As if that isn’t painfully obvious.

Legolas: Or painfully scripted!

(Gimli and Legolas laugh)

Aragorn: Legolas, what do your elf-eyes see?

Legolas: (he looks)Uhh, where do you mean?

Aragorn: I dunno, anywhere.

Legolas: Well, there are some hills…and stuff. And some grass. Ooh and some dirt, but that’s pretty far away from here.

Aragorn: Any Uruks?

Legolas: Now that you mention it…ah, they’re turning Northeast. It looks like they’re taking the Hobbits to Isengard!

Aragorn: Saruman.

Gimli: No, really?

Legolas: Shut up, Gimli.

Scene 7: Isengard

Saruman: Trees suck! I will tear them all down because they make me claustrophobic. It also helps to advance the plot. Aren’t
I clever? And I might as well destroy those grimy peasants that keep whining about every blasted thing that doesn’t go their
way. It’s always “Saruman, we’re hungry”, “Saruman, we’re dying”, “Saruman, your wheels and machinery pollute the air and
water supply, wipe out the livestock and farmland and slowly suffocate our people to a slow, agonizing death.” Why can’t they
take their problems somewhere else?

Scene 8: Saruman Talking to the Wildmen of the Hills

Saruman: Rohan defiled your lands, took your horses, ate your children and burnt your women! You must seek revenge!

Wildman: Actually, we elected to leave them.

Saruman: What?

Wildman: Their taxation on filth was highly prejudiced against the bathers, so we formed our own state.

Saruman: Your own state?

Wildman: Yes, the WACK: Wildmen Against Crazy Kings.

Saruman: But are you still mad at them?

Wildman: We never were mad at them, we just had a few peaceful disagreements that mainly revolved around our highly
differing lifestyles. In the end, I think everyone was happy. They gave us some land, a cow, and dug some holes for us to
live in! Very nice people, they are…

Saruman: Yeah, well…if you destroy them for me I’ll give you each an orc!

Wildman: What would we do with those?

Saruman: Uhh…slave labor?

Wildman: Slave labor?! Have you no civility?

Saruman: *very loud grunt* All right ya friggin hillbillies: You do whatever the HECK I tell you to or else I kill you all!
How’s that for CIVILITY?! Huh?!?

Wildman: Sounds fair enough to me.

Saruman: Of course it “sounds fair enough to you.”

Wildman: Do we still get the orcs?-

Saruman: No!!! Nevermind!! Shut up and go home, all of you!! Forget this conversation ever happened!!…*sigh* Why do I bother?!?

(bunch of crazy orcs and a few confused Wildmen seen attacking Rohannishian villages)

Saruman voiceover: Rohan, my lord…are wimps.

Scene 9: Eomer taking Theodred into Meduseld…

Eowyn: Theodred! Nooo!!!

Theodred: What?

Eowyn: Oh, I thought you were dead.

(Theoden King is on his throne, looking like a sleep-deprived Albert Einstein)

Eomer: Your son is badly wounded, my lord.

Theoden: Eh?

Eomer: He was ambushed by orcs…Saruman’s orcs.

(Grima steps out of a really dark corner)

Grima: Hah! Prove it.

Eomer: They bear the white hand of Saruman.

Grima: I’m sure there’s more than one person with a white hand in Middle Earth! (Grima laughs, but he is only joined by Theoden,
who is so pathetic that Grima realizes he isn’t funny)

Eomer: Well, this orc bears the name badge of Saruman(holds up “Hello, I work for Saruman” badge).

Grima: That evidence was planted.

Eomer: And this orc is prepared to testify that Saruman told him to destroy Rohan, and he has written documentation of all
Saruman’s correspondence with Sauron, including Palantir transcripts.

Grima: That orc has obviously been bribed.

Eomer: Hmm…how about, you’re defending him and you’re a slimy old weasel with bad dandruff!

Grima: Gah! Soiled again.

Eomer: We must defend ourselves.

Grima: We don’t need any war mongering.

Eomer: War mongering?

Grima: It means making something seem good that’s really bad, such as war-

Eomer: I know what it means, you dolt. Why are you doing this for Saruman?

Grima: Because your sister’s a babe.

Eomer: A babe?

Grima: Slang for a woman that-

Eomer: Shut up! I can’t take this anymore!

Grima: Good, because you’re banished.

Eomer: Banished?

Grima: That means you can’t come back.

Eomer: I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!!

Grima: Oooh you’re pushing double banishment, now!

Eomer: What the heck is double banishment?

Grima: …I don’t know, but if I were you I’d keep my mouth shut so I wouldn’t have to find out!

Eomer: You can’t do this! You have no right!

Grima: Theoden, can I banish him?

Theoden: Banish who?

Grima: Eomer.

Theoden: Who?

Grima: Eomer.

Theoden: Who?

Grima: EOMER!!

Theoden: Sure it is.

(Grima turns to Eomer)

Grima: See; even your uncle hates you.

Eomer: You are a worm.

Grima: And you are ‘banished!’ Ahh I love that word. Now get out.

Scene 10: The Three Hunters: What are they doing, you may ask? Well, my friend, they are running. Running, running, running, that’s all they ever do and quite frankly it sickens me!

Gimli: I can’t breathe.(audience laughs) Legolas: Maybe if you hadn’t been stuffing your face with Boromir’s provisions you would be able to keep up?

Aragorn: Gimli, that was you?!

Gimli: I was hungry!

Aragorn: Have you no respect for the dead?

Gimli: What’s wrong with eating his provisions? It’s not like we were just going to leave him there, were we?

Aragorn: Well, they were about three weeks old.

(Gimli starts sputtering profusely)

Scene 11: The Orcs with Merry and Pippin

Orc guy 1: Let’s rest, I want some manflesh!

Orc guy 2: Oooh manflesh…

Uruk 1: Look, we can’t eat these little hibhobs-

Pippin: Hobbits.

Uruk 1: Er, hobbits, until Saruman says we can.

Orc guy 1: Wah wah wah! “Saruman says this, Saruman says that!” We don’t always have to listen to Saruman.

Uruk 1: Uhh…yeah, we do.

Orc guy 2: I’m not goin’ anywhere without some manflesh.

Uruk: Sheesh(Uruk chops Orc guy 1 in half)
Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!

Orc guy 2: But meat never was on the menu?

Uruk 1: Shut up and eat him before I have to beat you over the head with one of his arms!

(While orcs are fighting and eating each other)

Pippin: Merry, did you hear that noise over there?

Merry: Yes Pippin; it’s the trees.

Pippin: Give me a break, Merry.

Merry: What?

Pippin: Do you really expect me to believe that the trees are making that noise?

Merry: Well-

Pippin: And I suppose next you’ll tell me that the trees can talk and move and have little tea parties in the forest! Ha!

Merry: Actually-

Pippin: And that their bark is worse than their bite!—AAAAAHHHHHH

(Pippin turns around and sees Treebeard)

Treebeard: Balaroom!

Merry: Gesundheit.

Pippin: What happened to all the orcs?

Merry: Don’t worry, it advances the plot.

Treebeard: Are you orcs?

Pippin: No we’re not.

Treebeard: Well, ok.

Merry: That was easy.

Scene 12: The Three Hunters…Running until they spot a band of horsemen

Aragorn: Whoa look it’s the Riders of Rohan! What’s up, guys?

Eomer: What business does a man, an elf, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?

Gimli: We’re with the travelling circus.

Eomer: No need for sarcasm, midget.

Legolas: You would die before your stroke fell!

Eomer: ….what? Did I miss something?

Aragorn: We’re looking for two hobbits, have you seen them?

Eomer: Nope.

Aragorn: Ok.

Legolas: Right.

Gimli: Sure?

Eomer: Yeah…but there’s a pile of rotting carcasses if you feel like searching through them.

Gimli: I wonder if they have any good food on them!

Legolas: You’re disgusting.

(The Pile of rotting carcasses)

Aragorn: Darn, no hobbits.

Gimli: Mmm look what I found!(Holds up a slice of swiss cheese, takes a bite out of it, and spits it out) BLECH!…needs some mustard.

Aragorn: A Hobbit lay here…they were bound…their bonds were cut…one of them was picking his nose…

Legolas: That was me, sorry.

Aragorn: I thought it had tasted fresh…anyway, it leads into Fangorn Forest.

Gimli: What madness lies therein?

Legolas: Gimli do you have like a chronic fear of forests or something?

Gandalf: Boo!

Aragorn: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Legolas: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Gimli: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!—-

Aragorn: Gimli, calm down!

Gandalf: I am Gandalf.

Legolas: No kidding.

Gandalf: I am white.

Aragorn: Everyone here is…

Gandalf: Yeah, but I’m like white white. Like Galadriel white.

Gimli: Not even Saruman is that white.

Gandalf: Nope. Heh…Saruman, that pansy. Never fought a balrog, did he?

Legolas: What happened?

Gandalf: I fought the balrog.

Aragorn: …..and?

Gandalf: I died.

Aragorn: …..and?

Gandalf: I suppose I came back to life.

Legolas: You tell the best stories, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Yeah anyway don’t worry about the two hobbits, they’re under control. Now, we ride to Rohan at the turn of the tide!

Aragorn: Did you use Tide to get so sparkly white?

Gimli: And you told me to stop with the jokes!

Legolas: Yeah, and you really could use some Tide right now too, Aragorn, because I could mop the floor with your greasy hair.