The Black Lands and Other Poems
By Sauron the Great, er Magnificent, er Terrible, um no how
about Truly Amazing All Powerful Dark Lord Of Everything and Everybody!!!!

Ode To The One Ring:
One ring, ringy, ring, ring
You are such a beautiful thingy, thing, thing
You make my heart singy, sing, sing
How I miss you my only love
Damn that Isildur,
now I don’t have my ring finger to wear you anymore!

The Eye:
Seeing all
Seeking all
My great and terrible eye
Wreathed with flame
Can I get some Visine?!

Mount Doom:
Oh tremble before my mountain
Tall and terrible
My mountain of Doom
Like a dragon’s mouth over the world it looms
I’ve bought three air conditioners
but it’s still too damn hot in here!

Why I hate Elves:
You never listen to a word that I say
You always go your own way
Always meddling in my affairs
Little pretty boys with golden locks and poncey airs
I smote you in Beleriand but you would not die
Can’t a dark lord get a break????!

Elrond:
Elrond half-elven
I see you hiding there in Rivendell
Some day I’ll get you, when this will be I cannot tell
Think you are so clever with your Bruinen and Ring of Air
Why the heck did you invent Scientology?

Witch King:
Master of minions
Dark and foul breathed messenger of doom
You ride for me upon my foes
Treading not very lightly on their hairy toes
Stop complaining,
you’re not getting a raise till I get that damn ring back!

Melkor My Hero:
Melkor, you were once my hero
You taught me well how to hate the Elves
Together we brought darkness upon the land
All felt terror at our hands
Oh Melkor, Morgoth of old
Too bad sucker, now you’re out in the cold!