The Gospel According to Tolkien


Written by Zaporojhan

And yea, the Lord Tolkien, father of all that is good in the world, proclaimed unto the masses, “There is no allegory. There is no bomb. There is no relationship between Frodo and Sam, it is platonic.” But the masses ignored his word and continued to draw conclusions. So the Lord Tolkien said, “Oh, go sod off!”

So the ‘deplorable cultus’ did sod off and create the Church of the Fantasy Geeks. And the Geeks went forth unto the people and sought to convert them in their ignorance. But the people did not heed the good word of the Geeks and persecuted them mercilessly. And thus the Geeks became the forsaken ones.

In the year of our hobbit 1977, two momentous events did occur. Firstly, the most high and holy trilogy was made into an animated movie, which righteously sucked. Yet, so miserable were the Geeks that they clung to it in their misery. Secondly, the false prophet George Lucas came among them spreading discontent with his ‘Star Wars’. Strife grew among the Geeks and many broke off to form a new sect of Geek known as the Sci-Fi Nerds.

Those were the dark times of persecution and fear. Many Geeks took jobs in middle management, yet they read to their children out of the holy books and raised them to be devout Geeks. They became the Hidden Children for where ever they went openly the young Geeks were scorned mightily. No true record yet exists of how many geeks were martyred in the name of high school conformity. The dark times continued thusly for many long years and although the Geeks cried forth and wept for deliverance (and some well placed smiting) the messiah did not come.

In the 1990’s however, the books of Potter appeared and yea some believed the author to be a predecessor to the messiah and so they hailed her. It was in these times of renewed hope, when the Geeks began to slowly emerge from the shadowy underworld of Internet chatrooms and conventions, that the true messiah arose in New Zealand but they did not know his face. And so he went unseen among them and judged them in need of his help. Yet, when Peter Jackson announced his plan the masses did mock and scorn him and published doom-telling predictions on the Internet.

But, the almighty Jackson did not heed the doubters and proclaimed unto them, “Just you wait.”

And they said, “It can’t be done by mortal means.”

And Jackson replied, “Who said I was going to play by the rules?”

And the doubters were silenced.

After years the long awaited day of deliverance arrived and many were caught unawares by the genius and magnificence of the movie. And Peter Jackson spake unto them thusly, “Ha! Ha! Told you so!” And thrice the cycle of three months of joy and nine months of apprehension did occur and twice were they denied the favors of almighty Oscar. But the third time was the charm and the Academy smiled upon the Geeks. And there was much rejoicing.

And the words of the Lord Tolkien appeared on the Internet. And thusly they proclaimed the commandments of the Geeks.

I. Though shalt not worship any false authors.

II. Thou shalt read of the holy trilogy every year.

III.Thou shalt not be led astray by the dark temptations of the false prophets of science fiction.

IV. Thou shalt count to 9 and 9 shall be the number of your counting, thou shalt not count to 10 nor to 11.

V. The Hobbits are not gay and neither is anybody else.

VI. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your fellow Geek.

VII. Thou shalt not name your child Bilbo or Galadriel.

VIII.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Extended Edition.

IX. Thou shalt own a statue of Gollum and offer sushi unto it.

X. Thou shalt watch all three movies back to back every Sunday.

And the multitudes, upon hearing this pronouncement, rejoiced for they had long been bereft of any direction in their lives. Yet, the movies proved mixed blessings for more converts did appear.

Firstly, came the Fangirls, who spoke thusly, “Like, oh my God!!! The guy with the blonde hair and the pointy ears and the pointy flying sticks is like sooo cute!!!!!! I’m going to read the books too!! Is Orlando Bloom in the books?????” And the Geeks did scorn the Fangirls for their lack of interest in canon and multiple punctuation marks.

Then came the Fanboys who spoke thusly, “Dude! The special effects and the gore and the swords and the boom and the whoosh and the blood and the wars! I’m going to read the books too! Are there special effects in the books?” And the Geeks did scorn them as well.

Soon, the Geeks began to reject all younger Geeks, believing them to be blasphemers in search of blood and hot elves. Yet, some of them had been Geeks long before the movies and they were cast out with rest for the crime of casting a poor reflection.

And the true believers did arise and try to fight back against the rising tide of pop culture but it was in vain. The power of commercialism was too strong and many geeks succumbed to its siren call. Verily, the war between the purists and the rest of the world is being fought even today and so shall it be until the ending of time.

Author’s Note: this was written as an assignment in literature class. While it is not an accurate representation of all of my views (I have dabbled in the murky underworld that is slash) it does a pretty good job. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. If so please leave me a review.