The Return of the Fellowship of the Two Towers of the King’s Ring

A Lord of the Rings Travesty

Written by FindecanoElessar

THE BEGINNING OF THE FILM

(Galadriel starts to speak when Star Wars theme music starts)

CREW MEMBER 1: Hey, that’s the wrong music!

SOUND GUY: Whoops, wrong tape. (Sesame Street comes on)

CREW MEMBER 2: Nope, try again.

(This time Teletubbies plays. The entire crew is moaning in agony. We hear the Sound Guy looking frantically for the tape. It is the right music, but it sounds garbled)

CREW MEMBER 2: It sounds horrible, like you’ve kept it with your magnet
collection!
SOUND GUY: You mean you can’t do that? Whoops…
DIRECTOR: Just play something! Anything!

(‘The Blue Danube’ plays and continues on till the beginning of the party. Fade in “Lord of the Rings.” Fade out, fade in “The Fellowship of the Ring”)

GALADRIEL: (voicing over black screen) It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, the most wise, the best looking, and the coolest of all beings. (shot of three Elves, two male and one female, standing in cool, wise, and/or beautiful poses) Nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, not so wise, okay looking, and definitely not as cool as the Elves (three men and one girl this time, obviously not ready for the camera). In the
land of Mor-
GIMLI: (voice over, interrupting) You forgot the dwarves!
GALADRIEL: (sighs a disgusted sigh, and then speaks very rapidly) Seven to the Dwarf lords, the least wise, worst looking, and least coolest. (a very brief shot of Gimli waving at the camera, smiling broadly) In the land of Mor-
BILBO: What about the Hobbits?
GALADRIEL: (growls) And then there were the Hobbits. A naïve, not-so-smart, ‘who
ate my donut?!’ race of fuzzy footed people. (shot of hobbits at their favourite
pastime, eating) In the land of Mordor the Dark Lord Moron forged in secret a
master Ring, to control all others. One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne, in
the land of Mordor, where the Shadows lie. . . and people can dress really
weird. (Black and white stock shots of people fighting) There were some who
resisted the Dark Lord.
(SAURON rushes out, the one Ring firmly fastened on his finger)

SAURON: Hah!
(ISILDUR pops up and grabs the Ring)

ISILDUR: Hah! (The Dorks shoot at him and the Ring goes flying)
DORKS: Hah!

(Camera pans over to where Déagol and Sméagol are fishing in their little boat,
which is sitting on a blue sheet that‘s pretending to be a river. Déagol is
singing ‘If I Were a Rich Man‘ to himself when the Ring falls and hits him on
the head. Déagol rubs his head as he picks it up)

DÉAGOL: Hah… lookee here! (Sméagol leans over)
SMÉAGOL: Happy birthday to me… (’chokes’ Déagol and takes the Ring) Hah!
Whoooah! (he falls out of the boat backwards. Sméagol/Gollum quickly gets up and
goes around the corner and hops onto a very low budget set of a cave interior.)
GOLLUM: My preciousss… (Bilbo sneaks up behind him and grabs the Ring)
BILBO: Hah HA! (He pockets it)

60 YEARS LATER . . .

The Long (and I mean looong…) Expected Party

(Bilbo Baggins stands on a barrel at his birthday)

BILBO: Today is my eleventy-first birthday! (Pause as crowd claps) But
eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such admirable hobbits
. . . whoah, aaaARRGGGH!!!!!!!! (He accidentally falls off the barrel. He stands
back up on it. He slips on the Ring behind his back. He doesn’t disappear. He
laughs nervously) You didn’t just see that. (He pulls it off and puts it back on
(everyone disappears except him). Bilbo is startled. He falls off again and
stomps off angrily. He walks back to the house)

INSIDE BAG END

GANDALF: I bet you found that terribly clever.
BILBO: I did, except I didn’t think it worked that way.

(Skip to Gollum in his cave, looking in his medicine cabinet)

GOLLUM: My Precioussss? Where isss my Preciousss?

(Cut to Gandalf talking to Frodo)

GANDALF: I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum (shot of Senator Byrd
(senator of West Virginia), quickly changed to Gollum), but I was too late.

(Shot of Gollum being tickled by three orcs. He screams in agony (as most people
would). “Stop tickling me! Please! Shire! Baggins! Chocolate cake! Oh, that
feels good!” The nine Nazgûl rush out, clacking coconut halves together (to
pretend to ride horses). Sam jumps in Frodo’s house tap-dancing in a neon-red
tuxedo. He pulls off his hat and tosses it. It has a hole in the middle, and
lands like a horseshoe on top of Gandalf’s hat. Gandalf frowns)

SAM: Please, sir, don’t turn me into anything unnatural!
GANDALF: You’re too far gone. Besides, I’ve thought of a better use for you.(Sam crosses his fingers eagerly)

(Gandalf sends Sam out with Frodo on the quest for the Ring. They meet up with
Merry and Pippin who are dressed in lederhosen, thumbs hooked in their
suspenders, carrying fishing poles over their shoulders, and whistling the Andy
Griffith theme song. They travel to Bree)

FILLER

(Sauron is standing in the back ground, looking extremely distressed)

ORC 1: What’s the matter with him?

ORC 2: He’s still upset over losing the Ring.

ORC 1: Gosh… that was how long ago? Over 3000 years? (pause) He sure looks
tense. I bet if you mentioned the Ring he’d jump fifty feet in the air.

ORC 2: (walks up to Sauron) Ring.

SAURON: AHHH! (shoots up)

ORC 1: Sorry, I was wrong. Only 48 feet.

In Which the Hobbit’s Discover What a Dangerous Business Going Out of Doors
Really Is

(The hobbits walk along traveling to Bree)

FRODO: You know what Bilbo used to say: ‘It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going
out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t watch your feet there no
knowing what you’ll trip over.’

(Pippin trips on a tree root. He falls into Merry, who hits into Frodo, who
knocks into Sam, and they all go rolling down the hill)

MERRY: (rubbing his head) Now I see what Bilbo meant. (they brush themselves
off, grumbling at Pippin)
SAM: Look! Donuts! (Frodo, Pippin and Sam pounce on a box of donuts sitting on
the side of the road. Merry looks around nervously.)
MERRY: It’s your line, Frodo.
FRODO: (stuffing his face) Can’t you say it?
MERRY: Oh fine. Ah hem! I think we should get off the road. (he looks into the
distance, and his eyes get really big) Get off the road! Quick!

(He pushes the
hobbits behind some bushes, but not before Sam grabs the box of donuts. A truck
goes tearing past. They sigh with relief and start to get up, when a bicycle
bell is heard. They cower when they see the rider. He is cloaked in bed sheets
decorated with a lovely ducky pattern (Nazgûl 5), wobbling along, obviously
having trouble keeping the bike in an upright position. He falls off right in
front off the hobbits’ bush.)

NAZGÛL 5: Ouch! (sniffs and looks around) Donuts?

(Sam, quickly puts the box
behind his back. 5 walks toward the bush, then freezes. Starting in the
distance, but getting louder (very loud) is the not-so-mellow sound of Elvish
music. 5 starts to run away, but then realizes that he forgot his bike, grabs it
and (tries) to dash away (he has a bit of trouble, on account of the bed
sheets). The procession of Elves goes past. Every third Elf is carrying a CD
player blaring music heavy on the bass (music also plays in Rivendell and
Lórien). The hobbits, covering their ears, peak over the bush.)

FRODO: Wood Elves!
SAM: Sorry?
FRODO: WOOD ELVES!!
SAM: I can’t hear you!
FRODO: What did you say?

Bree, Weathertop, and the Flight to the Ford

(The hobbits reach Bree. The enter the Dancing Donkey. They go over to the bar
where Algernon and Jack sitting. Algernon is eating muffins. Aragorn stands in
the corner. The hobbits all order huge glasses of orange juice. Frodo gets
knocked over by a guy. He throws the Ring, and it lands on his finger. Everybody
disappears. Frodo looks confused. One man remains. Aragorn grabs Frodo and yanks
him upstairs. He throws him on the floor)

ARAGORN: I have the ability to ignore people. But to make them disappear
entirely? That is a rare gift! That is a dangerous trinket you possess.

FRODO: I carry nothing.
ARAGORN: Indeed. (Sam and Pippin (finishing a muffin) run in. Aragorn jumps,
then tries to look like he hadn’t been startled.)

SAM: If you hurt him I will run away and cry like a baby!
ARAGORN: (looks incredulously at him) You have plenty of fear, Master Hobbit.
That will get you into plenty of trouble, and Nebraska. (Merry rushes in looking
very frightened.)
FRODO: There you are!

SAM: Where have you been?
PIPPIN: What’s the matter?
MERRY: I was like, Whoah! And they were like: (as if he was breathing on
someone) Whooooah…and then I was like, Whoah… (the other hobbits stare at him)
SAM: What?
ARAGORN: The Black Breath…

(He leads them out of Bree to Weathertop. There, a fight with Nazgûl 2, 3, and 4
ensues. Aragorn tosses paper at them. They whine and complain. “Ow! A paper cut!
I have pain!” and run off. The Witch-King pops out and stabs Frodo with a
Hostess Twinkie. Frodo screams in pain. Aragorn chases the Witch-King away. He
comes back to Frodo and the other hobbits. He picks up the wrapper and looks
around for the rest of the Twinkie. Merry licks some icing off his lip, and
Pippin licks his fingers clean. Aragorn glares at them.)

ARAGORN: I was going to eat that! (tries to brush the icing off of Frodo, but it
doesn’t work. He turns to Sam) Sam, do you have a napkin?

SAM: Uh… no. What for?
ARAGORN: It may help me eat the icing. (hands Sam a flashlight) Come on.

(cut to Arwen wandering in the forest looking for Aragorn. She has a flashlight,
but she looks very nervous. Aragorn is kneeling on the ground right in front of
her looking for a napkin, but Arwen doesn’t see him.)

ARAGORN: Hi Arwen! (Arwen screams and trips over top of him. Aragorn stands up.
He picks up Arwen’s flashlight and shines it on her as she lays on the ground)
What’s this? An Elf caught off her guard?
ARWEN: Very funny. (stands up and straightens her wig)

(back to Frodo – Arwen picks up Frodo and, carrying him on her shoulder, runs off. Glorfindel
arrives heroically. Aragorn and the remaining hobbits stare at him.)

GLORFINDEL: What?
ARAGORN: You’re late.
GLORFINDEL: What!
ARAGORN: She took Frodo.
GLORFINDEL: Not again… I was, like, really looking forward to saving the little
hobbit dude. (Aragorn pats him on the back sympathetically)

(Arwen rushes out of the forest, carrying Frodo with one hand. She tries to
figure out how she can hold the hobby horse, carry Frodo, and clack two coconut
halves together at the same time, but she quickly abandons that idea and
concentrates on dragging Frodo. The Ringwraiths run out with a little red wagon
and hand it to Arwen. Arwen drops Frodo into it and runs across a little blue
bed sheet representing a river, pulling the wagon behind her. The Ringwraiths
draw their swords (literally). Armed with pieces of paper with swords drawn on
them the Ringwraiths start to cross the ‘river‘)

NAZGÛL 1: Give up the half-wit she-Elf!
ARWEN: (pauses) What will you give me for him?
NAZGÛL 1: Um…

(the Ringwraiths all put their heads together and pull out their wallets)

NAZGÛL 2: (to 5) Where’s your wallet? (5 feels around his robe, looks in his
pocket etc…)

NAZGÛL 5: I left it in my other robe. (the other NAZGÛL groan at him, then go
through their wallets)

NAZGÛL 3: We’ve got 15… no 18 New Zealand dollars.
NAZGÛL 5: And a paper clip!
NAZGÛL 1: She doesn’t want a paper clip!
NAZGÛL 5: Why not? It’s one of those pretty multicolored ones…

NAZGÛL 9: Will you take a check?
GLORFINDEL: (calling from off screen) No! Don’t take it! Their checks bounce!
ARWEN: I’m handling this!
NAZGÛL 8: Here’s another 3…
NAZGÛL 1: Okay, we’ve got, um… (counting on his fingers) 18, 19, 20… 21
dollars and 15 cents!
ARWEN: (shakes her head) There are some things money just can’t buy.

NAZGÛL 7: And for everything else there’s Master Card.

ARWEN: Sorry, I only take Visa.

(Glorfindel turns a hose on the Ringwraiths.)

ARWEN: I said I was handling this!

(Arwen throws a (not joking) seven minute temper tantrum. Frodo almost dies.
When a Ring-Wraith jumps at Frodo, he suddenly appears on a trampoline, and,
bouncing off, he lands in bed. Gandalf, who, sitting in a chair by the bed,
looks up, startled.)

Continued…

!!pagebreak!!

The Return of the Fellowship of the Two Towers of the King’s Ring

A Lord of the Rings Travesty

The Romantic Part

(Romantic music is playing. We can hear the Elves at a disco in the next room)

ARWEN: Why do you fear the past? You are Isildur’s heir, not Isildur himself. You are not bound to his fate.
ARAGORN: The same blood flows in my veins, the same weakness.
ARWEN: Your time will come. You will face the same evil, and you will defeat it.
The Shadow does not hold sway yet, Aragorn, not over you, and not over me. Do
you remember when we first met?
ARAGORN: I thought I had strayed into a dream.
ARWEN: Long years have- Hey!

(The romantic music stops abruptly and the song from Sleeping Beauty that starts
“I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream…” begins to play. Arwen and
Aragorn look around indignantly. Then Aragorn shrugs)

ARAGORN: May I have this dance?

ARWEN: I guess.

(They waltz around the room. Elrond enters dressed in a black trench coat and
sunglasses (Agent Smith). He can’t see with his sunglasses on, so he rips them
off, then glares at Aragorn. He pulls the CD player’s plug out of the socket.
Arwen and Aragorn look embarrassed)

ELROND: What is the meaning of this?
ARAGORN: Uh… uh… I was uh… helping her zip her dress. (Arwen groans)
ELROND: He was what?!
ARWEN: What he meant to say was he was helping me find… my necklace.
ELROND: You lost the Evenstar?
ARWEN: No…
ELROND: He has it in his hand.
ARWEN: Oh! Why thank you ever so much, Aragorn. I’m uh… I have to go.

(Quickly
exits. Aragorn laughs nervously as Elrond glares at him)

The Council of Elrond and other stuff

ELROND: What are we going to do with the Ring?
GANDALF: I’ve got it! I’ll turn the Ring into a flea, a harmless little flea.
Then we’ll take that flea and put it inside a box, and put that box in another
box, and mail it to ourselves. Then when it arrives we CRUSH IT WITH A HAMMER!
ELROND: Or to save on postage we could just make the little hobbit take it to
Mt. Doom.

(Everyone walks out to the Council of Elrond. They all argue)

RING: Could you people shut the heck up? (They all stare at it with morbid
curiosity)
ARAGORN: You have my sword. (gives his sword to Frodo, who struggles under the
weight)
FRODO: Uh… thanks.
LEGOLAS: (looking up from his knitting) And you have my knitting needles- I
mean, my bow. (gives it to Frodo)
GIMLI: And you have my axe, along with my biting wit. (ditto, and Frodo is just
about falling over) Speaking of my biting wit, have you all heard the one about
the leprechaun who goes into a bar and he says-
EVERYONE: Yes.
BOROMIR: I guess you can have my shield too…
FRODO: Oh no, no that’s alright! (Boromir gives his shield to Frodo, in the
process hitting him on the head. Frodo falls over)
SOUND GUY: And you have my magnet collection. (everyone looks at him) What!?

(The other hobbits run out)

MERRY: We’re coming too!

ELROND: (annoyed) Yeah, I guess you are the Fellowship of the Ring. (glares at
the Sound Guy) Except you.

PIPPIN: Great. . . where are we going?

(Everyone shrugs. Bilbo takes Frodo aside
to give him something. He takes out a shiny vest)

BILBO: This doesn’t do a thing unless you are trying to blind someone. Here put
it on! (Bilbo notices the RING) Oh… my old ring.
FRODO: (hopefully) Do you want it back?
BILBO: No, glad to be rid of the darn thing. One heck of a nuisance it was.
(Frodo sighs. Bilbo takes out a sword) This is Sting. It glow puce when orcs are
near.
FRODO: (to himself) Puce? (to Bilbo) Why did you call it Sting?
BILBO: Stick it in your eye and you’ll see what I mean. It is orc repellent. It
repels orcs. It is anti-orc attractant. It attracts things which aren’t orcs…

(Frodo escapes before Bilbo bores him to death)

Elladan and Elrohir

(Elladan is in his room. Elrohir rushes in, carrying Legolas’ bow, an arrow, and
a manual titled: ‘Archery for Morons‘)

ELLADAN: You got it? Oh goody! Is it Legolas’?

ELROHIR: Yeah. (opens the manual, reading) Pick up the bow. (Elladan does so)
Pick up arrow (ditto) Fit arrow on string (you’ve got the picture) Pull back
string.
ELLADAN: Okay, so what ear did you want pierced again?
ELROHIR: Left… no, right. No, left it best… then again.
..
ELLADAN: (panting with exertion from trying to keep the string back) Make…
up… your…mind…!
ELROHIR: Could you do both? No, never min-

(Elrond enters)

ELROND: What on Middle-earth do you think you are doing?! (Elladan jumps and
lets go of the arrow. It goes flying over Elrond’s shoulder, out of the room,
very narrowly misses Legolas’ head as he walks by before hitting a bird flying
past)
ELROHIR: Ooh… well done.

ELLADAN: (calling after Legolas) Ha! Beat that!

(Elrond shakes his head, muttering: “They’re as bad as their grandmother”)

GALADRIEL: (v/o): I heard that!
Elrond: How does she do that?!

Mt. Cataract

(The Fellowship leaves Rivendell and walks around the mountain. Gimli starts
telling the leprechaun joke after they finish singing ‘99 bunches of orcs in the
woods‘. Cut to Saruman chanting gibberish. Gandalf yodels in return (the
Fellowship cover their ears in agony). Saruman yodels back. The orc standing
next to him looks confused.)

ORC: Excuse me, could you repeat that?

(Saruman simply hits him, and he falls
off of Orthanc. The camera then follows the orc down the side of Isengard (Peter
Jackson’s famous falling camera shots) and breaks at the bottom (for the rest of
the movie the camera is cracked and a hand keeps taking duct tape on and off
it). A giant 16-ton weight (which says “16 Ton Weight” on the side) drops,
almost knocking the Fellowship off)

GILMI: We could go through the mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a
royal welcome.
GANDALF: (shrugs) Sure, why not?

Back in Rivendell…

(Arwen is reading a book. Elladan and Elrohir are tossing a baseball around in
the background, trying to catch it in their gloves. Elrond walks up to Arwen)

ELROND: Arwen, where is your necklace?
ARWEN: (in a perfect impression of Galadriel) Even the wisest cannot tell.
ELROND: I’m serious Arwen. You didn’t lose it again did you? Tell me you didn’t
lose the Evenstar, the symbol of your beauty and immortality, that your mother
and I only spent $100,000 on to give to you for your 500th birthday. Tell me you
didn’t lose that.
ARWEN: Well… I did not exactly misplace it….
ELROND: Then where is it?
ARWEN: Um… right about now… (looks at her watch) it should be about…
somewhere on Mt. Cataract.
ELROND: What?!?! (just then the ball hits him in the back of the head. He turns
around to glare at Elrohir and Elladan, who quickly hide the gloves behind their
backs. Arwen takes advantage of the situation and leaves)

ELLADAN and ELROHIR: (pointing at the other) He did it.

Doors of Durin

(The Fellowship is waiting for Gandalf to get the Doors of Durin open. Gimli,
Legolas, Merry and Pippin are seated together. There is complete silence until-)

GIMLI: There’s this leprechaun, right, and he walks into a bar-

(Legolas, Merry, and Pippin moan)

PIPPIN: That’s gotta hurt.
GIMLI: Funny. Anyway, like I said, he walks into this bar and he says to the
bartender: (in a stereotype Irish accent) Excuse me sirr, do ya have any grreen
beerrr?” And the bartender says: “No, we don’t.” “Eeer eer rooooh!”
MERRY: Was that a dog?
GIMLI: No, that’s a leprechaun getting mad. “Eeer eer roooh!” The next day the
leprechaun walks into the same bar-
MERRY: Silly guy, why doesn’t he watch where he’s going?
PIPPIN: Maybe he needs glasses.
GIMLI: I’m ignoring that. And he goes up to the same bar tender and says:
“Excuse me sirr, do ya have any grreen beerrr? And the bar tender says again:
“No, we don’t.” “Eeer eer rooooh!” That’s a leprechaun getting mad. “Eeer eer
roooh!” On the third day, the leprechaun walks into the exact same bar, goes up
to the exact same bar tender and says: “Excuse me sirr, do ya have any grreen
beerrr?” And the bar tender says: “No, we don’t.” “Eeer eer rooooh!” That’s a
leprechaun getting mad. “Eeer eer roooh!”
GIMLI, with PIPPIN, MERRY, and LEGOLAS: On the fourth day, the leprechaun walks
into the same bar, goes up to the same bar tender and says: “Excuse me sirr, do
ya have any grreen beerrr?” And the bar tender says: “No, we don’t.” “Eeer eer
rooooh!” That’s a leprechaun getting mad. “Eeer eer roooh!”… (Merry and Pippin
sigh)
MERRY (talking over Gimli, who continues telling the joke): I wish those
Uruk-hai would hurry up and capture us.

PIPPIN: That’s not for a couple sketches yet.
MERRY: (sighs) I know. And how many times do you think he’s gonna tell that joke
‘til then?
GIMLI: On the sixth day the very same leprechaun walks into the very same bar
and walks up to the very same bartender and says : “Excuse me sirr, do ya have
any grreen beerrr?” And the bar tender says: “Look. We don’t have any green
beer. We never will have any green beer. If you come in here asking for green
beer one more time I’m gonna nail your little green foot to the floor!” “Eee ee
ooooh!” That’s a leprechaun getting scared. “Eee ee oooh!” The very next day,
the aforementioned leprechaun walks into the afformentioned bar, goes over to
the aforementioned bartender and says: “Ah hem! Excuse me sirr, do ya have any
nails?” “Well… no.” “Then have ya got any grreen beerr?”

(Merry, Pippin, and Legolas clap in a very bored manner)

ARAGORN: (walking over) Do my ears deceive me, or were you telling that
leprechaun joke, Gimli?
GIMLI: Why, yes I was.
ARAGORN: Ooh! I love that joke! Will you tell it again?

(Legolas, Merry and Pippin run off screaming. They hit into the door and it
opens.)

GANDALF: Oh. Okay.

The Bridge of Khazad-Dûm

(The Fellowship walks though Moria, not noticing the decaying corpses wearing
pink party hats (yes, I like the color pink). They enter a room. Music plays
instead of drums, and it plays “All-Star (Smash Mouth)”. Boromir runs to the
door)

BOROMIR: Great, they have Barney. (a picture of Don Knotts pops up) Nope. (it
changes to Barney Rubble) Nope. (the audience gasps in horror. “Can it be?”)
SAM: Frodo, look. (points at Sting. It’s glowing puce)
FRODO: (unsheathes Sting and stares at it for a moment) Oh, so that’s puce.

(The room is suddenly filled with sock puppet orcs. The Fellowship screams. They
all fight the sock puppets.)

PIPPIN: You said Bilbo said that Sting was orc-repellant! I don’t think it’s
working.
LEGOLAS: (as he expertly finishes off several sock puppets with his knitting
needles) Here, let me see that. (Frodo hands him Sting. Legolas glances at it
and gives it back to Frodo) Needs new batteries.
FRODO: (sighs) Go figure.

(Enter the cave troll, except it is Barney, and he is smiling and singing the “I
Love You” song. Frodo screams in horror. He tries to escape, but Barney chases
him. He hides behind a rock. He ducks around until Barney pops out)

BARNEY: You’re my special friend!

(Frodo screams again. Legolas stands fixing his hair. Aragorn taps him on the
shoulder. Legolas then pulls out his knitting needles and tosses them at Barney.
Barney runs off screaming)

BARNEY: How come no one likes me?

(They go to the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm. They come up to the Bridge. It is one long
twisted piece of bubble gum. Legolas shoots his knitting needles at an orc, who
screams, “Albacore Tuna!” as he falls. Legolas super-jumps over, grabs the
knitting needles, and super-jumps back. He ends up in front. They all run down
the stairs. Frodo reaches the cut off stairs, and nearly falls. He swings his
arms trying to get his balance, but Gandalf bumps into him and Frodo falls)

GANDALF: Oops…
SAM: He still has the Ring! Mr. Frodo! Wait for me! (jumps)
PIPPIN: No! Sam has the food! Wait up Sam! (jumps)
MERRY: I’m coming too! (jumps)
GANDALF: Better go keep an eye on those Hobbits. Meet you at the bridge! (jumps)
ARAGORN: Oh… okay. Um… now what?
GIMLI: When you are unsure of what to do, it always helps to tell a joke. Lets
see… oh! How ’bout this one! There is this leprechaun-
LEGOLAS: Gimli! You’d better stay with Gandalf. (pushes Gimli)
GIMLI: (as he falls) … and he walks into a bar, he goes up to the bartender
and says…
BOROMIR: Ah, much better. To the bridge?
ARAGORN: Race you there!

(Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir are nearly at the Bridge, when all of the sudden,
the hobbits, Gandalf, and Gimli fall in front of them)

PIPPIN: That was fun!
GIMLI: …and the leprechaun says: ‘Then have ya got any grreen beerr?”

(All of them cross the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm. Gandalf pauses. He turns, and sees
the Balrog, which is actually a tiny sock puppet with a frown face)

GANDALF: You shall not pass! (the Balrog runs between his legs) Well, I guess
you could if you really want to. (jumps around trying to squish Balrog. The
Balrog falls, but still snaps his teeny whip of fire, grabbing Gandalf’s ankle)
Oh, no, not again!
(He gets pulled down. Everybody stares for a few seconds. They finally shrug and
exit)

Continued…

!!pagebreak!!

The Return of the Fellowship of the Two Towers of the King’s Ring

A Lord of the Rings Travesty

FILLER

(Arwen turns a corner. Elrond is waiting for her)

ARWEN: Ada!
ELROND: Reason number 2,764 why you shouldn’t marry Aragorn: he needs a haircut.

The Jedi of Lórien

GIMLI: Stay close, young hobbits. They say that a great sorceress lives in these
woods, an Elf-witch of terrible power. All those who look upon her fall under
her spell and are never seen again…

(cut to Haldir, Rumil (Haldir’s brother {really}), Círyon and Frank, all cloaked
in Jedi robes (Frank and Círyon have the padwan braid, attached to their heads
by a clearly visible hairclip) sitting around a camp fire. Frank is roasting
marshmallows to make s’mores)

FRANK: Come on Master Haldir, have some delicious hot shmoes!
HALDIR: They’re called s’mores, my young fool of a padwan. (suddenly sits up,
attentive) Be wary, I sense a disturbance in the Force.

(back to-)

GIMLI: Well, here’s one dwarf she won’t ensnare so easily! I have the eyes of a
hawk, and the ears of a fox!

(Suddenly, they are all surrounded by Haldir and Co. with drawn light sabers,
all except for Frank who is brandishing a stick with a marshmallow stuck on it
and chewing a s’more)

HALDIR: The dwarf breathes so loud we could have sliced him in the dark. (Gimli growls)

HALDIR: Come.

(Next scene- Frank and the hobbits are seated at the foot of the tree the rest
of the Fellowship and the Jedi/Elves are up)

FRANK: Haldir hates shmoes. They make him mad. Anyway, then you take the
marshmallow off the stick and squish it in between the two piece of lembas and
chocolate. You have to take it off the stick before you eat it, trust me, it
doesn’t taste good if you leave the stick in, and it hurts your tooth. Oh! And
if you really want to make Haldir mad you take the marshmallow and put it in his
nice long hair… (camera pans up the tree to where Haldir, Rumil, Círyon,
Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli are standing on a platform)

ARAGORN: Come on! He isn’t that bad.
LEGOLAS: I object!
BOROMIR: You’re not helping things, Legolas.
HALDIR: Like I said before, you bring great evil with you (points to Gimli), you
can go no further with that thing.
ARAGORN: But it’s just one Dwarf! A little Dwarf! What harm can he do?
GIMLI: Watch it, buddy.
RUMIL: We have not had dealings with the Dwarves since the Dark Days.
GIMLI: So much for the legendary courtesy of the Elves. You know what this Dwarf
says to that? That line I’m supposed to say that I’m not even going to try and
pronounce!
CÍRYON: (to the other Elves) Was that supposed to be an offense?
RUMIL: I think so. We’d better glare at him.

(the Elves glare at Gimli. Haldir Force-pushes him out of the tree)

ARAGORN: Gimli’s right. That was not so courteous.

(cut to the hobbits and Frank)

PIPPIN: Oooh! Look! I didn’t know Gimli could fly!
FRODO: Um… no, Pippin, I think the Elves pushed him out of the tree.
FRANK: It was probably Haldir. He did that to me yesterday after I put gum in
his hair brush.

(back to-)

BOROMIR: Um… can we have our dwarf back before he gets hurt?
LEGOLAS: No! No, Haldir, don’t bother.

(Haldir Force-pulls a very shaken Gimli back onto the platform)

RUMIL: (to Haldir) Hey bro, why don’t we let them in? We could have fun with the
Dwarf.
CÍRYON: Yeah! Please Master Haldir?
HALDIR: (to the Fellowship) You will follow me.

(Haldir takes the Fellowship to Celeborn and Galadriel’s chamber. Enter Celeborn
and Galadriel, just like the movie (except that they are both cloaked in Jedi
robes and Celeborn carries a gnarled walking stick)

HALDIR: The Fellowship has arrived from Imladris, they wish to speak with the
Lady Galadriel.

(Galadriel opens her mouth to speak, but-)

CELEBORN: (cowering) Away put your weapon! I mean you no harm! I am wondering,
why are you here?
(Haldir is about to repeat, then thinks better of it and shakes his head in
disgust. Galadriel hides her face in her hands)
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS: Celeborn?!?
FRODO: We’re looking for someone.
CELEBORN: Looking? Found someone you have I would say, hm…!
FRODO: Right…
LEGOLAS: (to Círyon) What happened to him?
CÍRYON: Too much TV.
CELEBORN: Help you I can, yes, hmm… Whom do you seek?
LEGOLAS: (trying not to laugh) We’re looking for the Lady of the Wood.
GALADRIEL: (glares at Legolas, then speaks in a hissed whisper) Don’t encourage
him!
CELEBORN: The Lady of the Wood? Galadriel! You seek Galadriel!
LEGOLAS: Galadriel! You know her?
CELEBORN: Hm… take you to her I will. Come, come! (turns round and bumps into
GALADRIEL) Ooh! Found her I have, yes, hm…!
GALADRIEL: Eight there are here, yet nine there were set out from Rivendell.
Tell me, where is Gandalf? I much desire to speak with him, for the check he
gave me bounced. I can no longer see him from afar, he has fallen into shadow
and his ways are hidden from me.
CELEBORN: Hm, yes… the Dark Side clouds everything.
LEGOLAS: Balrog got ‘im.
GALADRIEL: Oh.

***
ELROND: Reasons number 106 and 83 why you shouldn’t marry Aragorn: he needs to
shave, and he’s the scruffiest Dúnedain to ever walk Middle-earth!
***

Galadriel’s Birdbath

(Galadriel shows Frodo the Mirror (a bird bath). He looks in. Teletubbies is
playing. He flings backward in pain and agony)

GALADRIEL: I know what it is that you saw, for the sound guy started playing
that music at the beginning of this extremely low-budget production.
SOUND GUY: (yells from off screen) I said I was sorry!
GALADRIEL: The Fellowship is breaking. It has already begun. He will try to take
the Ring. You know of whom I speak. (shot of Clinton smiling)
FRODO: If you ask it of me, I will give you the One Ring.
GALADRIEL: You offer it to me freely? I cannot deny my heart has greatly desired
this. However, I really have no time for world domination this afternoon.

(Frodo sighs, disappointed)

(The Fellowship gets their gifts from Galadriel: Aragorn gets a shiny dagger,
Legolas gets a new set of knitting needles, Gimli gets a joke book, Merry and
Pippin get a dagger each (Pippin’s says, ‘How to keep a fool busy all day:
answer on back’ The back reads, ‘How to keep a fool busy all day: answer on
front’ Merry’s says: ‘Pointy end goes in foe. Pull out. Repeat if necessary’),
Sam gets a thing of rope)

GALADRIEL: Use it to hang Frodo if he gets annoying. (gives Frodo a light bulb)
Let it be a light to you in dark places when all other lights go out… just make
sure you have an electricity source.

(Boromir gets a little target sign that goes around his neck, with a small
target at each area he gets shot by arrows. They all climb into their boats. The
boat rows by itself. They end up at the western end (the other side of a
swimming pool). The fellowship gets out on the shore. We see Gollum swimming the
backstroke. Aragorn looks out at him)

ARAGORN: Hey, look, a small wrinkled skinny dude! (everyone whips out cameras
and start taking pictures.)

The Breaking of the Fellowship, Including Boromir’s Big Somewhat Heroic Scene
and that Leprechaun Joke Again

(Night falls. The Fellowship members are wrapped in their sleeping bags. They
are supposed to be sleeping. Everyone (but Boromir, who is really trying to
sleep) is talking in hissing whispers)

PIPPIN: Did not.
MERRY: Did too.
GIMLI: He’s right, it didn’t.
LEGOLAS: Not so!
PIPPIN: It didn’t!
MERRY: Did too.
LEGOLAS: Yeah!
PIPPIN: Did not.
MERRY: Did too.
PIPPIN: Would you be quiet?
MERRY: You’re the one who’s talking.
ARAGORN: Please! How can I get my beauty sleep if you’re all talking? If I’m
deprived of good looks in the morning it’s all your fault!
FRODO: Aragorn?… Aragorn…
GIMLI: Be quiet, I’m trying to sleep!
LEGOLAS: Be quiet yourself!
GIMLI: Frodo started it!
LEGOLAS: I didn’t hear Frodo, I only heard you!
ARAGORN: Be quiet, both of you!

(there is silence for three seconds)

GIMLI: Would someone please tell the Elf to stop snoring?
LEGOLAS: Elves don’t snore. You’re hearing yourself.
GIMLI: Am not!
LEGOLAS: Are too!
GIMLI: Boromir, who’s snoring? The Elf, or me?
BOROMIR: (sleepily) I stay neutral in matters of this kind.
FRODO: Pass the crisps please. (MERRY passes a bag of chips over Boromir’s head,
and accidentally drops the bag)
BOROMIR: (picking crisps off his face and throwing them at MERRY) Go to sleep!

(FRODO gets the bag and chews noisily)

MERRY: Frodo, can I have the donuts? (FRODO tries to pass the box, but most of
the donuts fall out on Boromir’s head)
ARAGORN: (sitting up excitedly) Donuts! Where?!
FRODO: Err… well, most of them are now on Boromir’s head…

(silence for five seconds)

ARAGORN: Wow… it’s quiet…
BOROMIR: (almost asleep) Wonderful, isn’t it?
GIMLI: It’s too quiet. (pause) There is this leprechaun, and he walks into a
bar…

(Boromir gives a cry and covers his head with his pillow. Legolas whacks Gimli
with his and, fortunately, silences the dwarf)

PIPPIN: Merry, I’m lonely.
MERRY: How you can be lonely I can’t make out.
PIPPIN: Well I am.
SAM: I’m hungry.
PIPPIN: Me too.
ARAGORN: I thought you were lonely?
PIPPIN: Not any more. It’s hard to be lonely when there is food to be had.
GIMLI: (as he recovers from the pillow thumping) And he says to the bartender:
“Excuse me sirrr, do ya have any grreen beerr?

(Fellowship suddenly drops off. The sky begins to get light and after a couple
seconds an alarm goes off. They all yawn and stretch as if they’re waking up
from a full night’s rest.)

FRODO: I’m going off by myself and I’m not coming back! (Everyone waves, Boromir
stands up.)
BOROMIR: I’m going to be tempted to steal the ring from Frodo, and then I will
die in a horrific battle, which will signal the breaking of the Fellowship!
ARAGORN: (looks confused) Isn’t that the name of this sketch? (Boromir nods
impatiently. Aragorn scratches his head) Oh.

(BOROMIR is wandering in the woods. FRODO comes up to him.)

FRODO: None of us should wander alone. (pause as FRODO thinks. Light bulb effect
as FRODO come up with a way to get rid of the Ring) I know why you seek
solitude. You suffer, I see it day by day. Who wouldn’t with that leprechaun
joke? You sure you do not suffer needlessly? There are other ways, Boromir,
other paths that we might take.
BOROMIR: I know what you would say, and it would seem like wisdom, but for the
warning in my heart.
FRODO: Warning? Against what?
BOROMIR: Against using the Ring and Its powers.
FRODO: But don’t you want to ask for the strength to defend your people?
BOROMIR: No. (backing away)
FRODO: Why do you recoil?
BOROMIR: You are not yourself.
FRODO: You want to borrow the Ring. You know you do. I know you do. You know you
know you do.
BOROMIR: I don’t want It!
FRODO: As you wish, I care not. (pause) But it’s really neat. It’ll give you
cool powers and make you invincible! You could be king!
BOROMIR: No thanks.
FRODO: (getting desperate) Think of it! The great alliances, the glorious
victories! You’d cast down Mordor and become king, rich and wise and powerful
beyond your wildest dreams… and not to mention the feasts you’d give! You’d
throw that all away?
BOROMIR: Yeah…
FRODO: You’re sure you don’t want it.
BOROMIR: Yes!
FRODO: Can’t I even lend you the Ring?
BOROMIR: No!
FRODO: But think of the awesome power you would have! (BOROMIR walks away) Fool!
It is mine only by unhappy chance. It could have been yours. It should be yours!

(FRODO in his fit of rage puts on the Ring. BOROMIR turns around)

FRODO: Darn it! You were supposed to disappear! (sound of footsteps running
away)
BOROMIR: Frodo! Frodo? What have I done? Frodo, I’m sorry! I changed my mind!
Frodo!

(Frodo, taking off the Ring, falls over a little cliff and lands right next to
Aragorn)

ARAGORN: Hey, how did you get here?

(We see Frodo has landed on Aragorn’s
toilet, and Aragorn, who is wearing curlers, is brushing his teeth in front of
the mirror. FRODO shrugs, and the sock puppet Uruk-Hai rush in. At their head is
Lurtz who is dressed like Indiana Jones)

(cut to Boromir fighting the Uruk-hai. Merry and Pippin are sitting on the
ground eating popcorn, occasionally throwing a piece at the Uruks. Gimli comes
running up)

BOROMIR: What are you doing Gimli? It isn’t your cue yet.
GIMLI: I have come to lift your spirits!
BOROMIR: Gimli, this is no time for being jolly! It is my big, somewhat heroic,
yet tragic scene which will signal the breaking of the Fellowship and you are
ruining it! Go away!
GIMLI: Don’t despair, my friend! There is one thing that lifts the spirits when
the fight looks desperate, and that’s a good joke! There’s nothing like a good
joke!
BOROMIR: (to himself) And that leprechaun one is nothing like a good joke.
MERRY: It was the first dozen times we heard it.
BOROMIR: (as he fights the Uruks) Look Gimli, just in case you haven’t noticed,
I’m really busy right now…
GIMLI: (leaning on his axe in a very nonchalant manner) There’s this leprechaun,
and he walks into a bar and he says to the bartender…
PIPPIN: (to the Uruk-hai) Oi! You! Mr. Uruk-hai! We’re over here!

(Merry and Pippin run into the arms of the Uruk- hai)

MERRY: I never thought I’d be so happy to see an orc!
PIPPIN: (to the Uruks) Want some popcorn?
BOROMIR: Gimli, look! Isn’t that Galadriel?
GIMLI: Where?
BOROMIR: (pointing with his sword) Over there. Way over there!
GIMLI: Your eyes must be better than mine, I don’t see her. Galadriel! Wait for
me! (runs off. BOROMIR sighs in relief. He ducks a sword, but gets shot on the
target areas by Lurtz. Boromir looks indignant)
BOROMIR: That’s not fair. I’m not playing any more.
ARAGORN: (from off set) What are you doing? Die!
BOROMIR: I changed my mind.
ARAGORN: Boromir! (stomps out onto the set) It could be worse. I could have
convinced them to let Lurtz use real arrows, but they wouldn’t listen to me.
BOROMIR: Thanks. Why can’t we change it so I don’t die?
ARAGORN: Well… I guess we could. Since you’re just a detail-
BOROMIR: I am not a detail! I’m an important character!
ARAGORN: No, I think you’re a detail. I’m an important character.
BOROMIR: That’s not fair! You’re just so vain! You’re always doing all the big
heroic stuff and have girls throw themselves at your feet and get a big salary
and… and… it’s not fair! (stomps off. Lurtz looks at Aragorn hungrily)
ARAGORN: Don’t you look at me like that!
(Frodo escapes with Sam in a boat)

***
ELROND: Reason number 567 why you shouldn’t marry Aragorn: I don’t like him.
ARWEN: I had not noticed.
ELROND: Reason number 4,109 why you shouldn’t marry Aragorn: he has brown hair.
ARWEN: What relevance does that have to anything?
ELROND: Well… I think we need more blondes in this family.
ARWEN: Grandma has blonde hair.
ELROND: She doesn’t count.
GALADRIEL: I heard that!
ELROND: How does she do that? Hey! Did you hear Legolas has-
ARWEN: Ada! (runs off)
ELROND: (calling after her) What’s wrong with him? He’s cute!
***

Continued…

!!pagebreak!!

The Return of the Fellowship of the Two Towers of the King’s Ring

A Lord of the Rings Travesty

THE SECOND PART OF THE MOVIE

(Fade in “Lord of the Rings”. Fade out, fade in “The Two Towers”. Fade in,
“Directed by”. Fade out, fade in. . . Oh,
forget it!”.)

(Frodo pulls out a lollipop, wrapped in a package labeled “Lembas”, and starts
licking it)

SAM: (sniffs) Whew, boy! You smell that?
FRODO: (shrugs nervously) It wasn’t me!

(Frodo and Sam fall asleep. Gollum rolls out on a scooter, apparently rolling
straight down the cliff. He grabs at the Ring, but misses and hits the wall. The
rope magically floats over his neck. Pan camera over as we see Sam playing a
flute.)

GOLLUM: Pleasesss, Massstterssss!!! It burnssess usss!!!

(They pull it off, and Frodo and Sam follow Gollum. He leads them to a swamp.
They walk along. Frodo looks down, and we see his face, twisted in shock. Camera
pan to what he was seeing: a man under the water wearing a sign that says “Boo!”
He falls in, Sam starts pushing him down, but Gollum pulls him out)

SAM: Darn, I wanted to have the Ring!

(looks sheepish as Gollum and Frodo stare
at him. The trio rush along to the gate of Mordor. A squadron of clowns walk
out, patrolling the area. Frodo starts to run forward, but Sam pushes him down
the cliff, and Frodo flops down to the bottom (fake dummy))

SAM: Are you OK?
FRODO: Yeah!
SAM: Darn!

(They head into the forest.)

SMÉAGOL: Massster issss my friend.
GOLLUM: You don’t have any friendssss!
SMÉAGOL: Masssster would never hurt ussss!
GOLLUM: Murderer!
SMÉAGOL: Go away!
GOLLUM: I can’t, you idiot, I’m you!
SMÉAGOL: Oh, yeah!
GOLLUM and SMÉAGOL: (In unison) Why don’t we jussssst kill him and take the
Precioussss? Hey, how did we do that? I don’t know!
SAM: (sticks out his tongue at Gollum) Don’t even think about it, its mine!
GOLLUM: (stares at Sam) Thisss issssn’t like the bookssss at all! (Sam
shrugs)

Filler

ÉOWYN: What’s the matter with you?
ÉOMER: I’m grounded.
ÉOWYN: What for now?
ÉOMER: Reckless riding.
ÉOWYN: What did you do?
ÉOMER: I ran over Wormtongue.
ÉOWYN: On purpose?
ÉOMER: Duh.

***
ELROND: Reason number 798 why you shouldn’t marry Aragorn: he never showers.
***

Terrorization of the Rohirrim

(Éomer and Éowyn come up to Théoden as he sits on his throne. Wormtongue looks
at Éowyn longingly, and she quickly reaches and takes a pillow that was laying
on the ground. She whacks Wormtongue with it, hard. He falls over.)

ÉOMER: Uncle, evil is terrorizing the Rohirrim. (thunder sounds)
THÉODEN: Evil? (thunder sounds)
ÉOMER: Yes, evil. (thunder sounds)
THÉODEN: Evil. (thunder)
ÉOMER: (irritated) Yes, Uncle, evil is terrorizing the Rohirrim! (thunder
sounds. Éomer turns to the Sound Guy) Will you stop that?!
SOUND GUY: Sorry.
THÉODEN: The Rohirrim are evil? (Draws sword, falls over) Kill the evil!
ÉOWYN: (quickly, as she helps Théoden up) No, Uncle, the evil is TERRORIZING the
Rohirrim!
THÉODEN: (Sheathes his sword) But orcs terrorize the Rohirrim. (Looks at hand)
Evil!!!
ÉOMER: Yes, exactly!
THÉODEN: Evil…
ÉOMER: (sighs, then speaks very slowly) I am going to defend Rohan.
THÉODEN: No, that’s a terrible idea. But, how about this: how about you… defend
Rohan?

(Silence.)

ÉOMER: Whatever you say, Uncle. (Pause) I was thinking of taking some men along
to help me.
THÉODEN: No, you can’t take any men along! That’s stupid! But how about you take
some men along to help you?
ÉOMER: (pause) Yeah, okay.
WORMTONGUE: Ah, but my lord, you forget. Éomer has been grounded. (Éomer glares
at him)
THÉODEN: Grounded?
WORMTONGUE: Yes, grounded.
THÉODEN: Since when?
WORMTONGUE: Yesterday.
THÉODEN: Oh, in that case you can tell Éomer he can come out of his room now.
WORMTONGUE: (sighs) Looks like I gotta do it myself. (takes a piece of parchment
from behind the throne. He opens it and begins to read) Ah hem! Éomer, Third
Marshall of the Riddermark, is henceforth grounded to his room on pains of not
being allowed to play his Game Boy for the rest of the week.

(Éomer looks
shocked at the idea of no Game Boy. Wormtongue grins evilly at Éomer as two guys
come up behind him and lead him to his room)

(cut to later that night. Éomer sneaks out of his room, down the hall, and into
the stables where he gets his bike and rides off)

The Captivity of Merry and Pippin

(Merry and Pippin are seated back-to-back with their arms tied behind them.
Grishnakh is sitting nearby, eating)

MERRY: All my life I dreamed of an adventure like this. (sighs) I just wish we
could have been more help to Frodo.
PIPPIN: Don’t be daft. We were very helpful.
MERRY: How?

PIPPIN: Well… uh… there was that time…. no, well… um… we did… never
mind….
MERRY: I feel like such a useless weakling! (cover his face with his hands and
the rope slips off) With abnormally thin wrists. (quickly puts his hands behind
his back) Excuse me? Brutish Uruk-hai? (GRISHNAKH burps) Yes, you. I have a
question. Is it that your body is too big for your teeny-tiny head, or is your
head too teeny-tiny for your big, fat body?!
GRISHNAKH: (jumps up and grabs MERRY by the collar of his lederhosen) I pummel
you good!
MERRY: Yes, yes, I’m sure you will. But before you do I have one more
question…. (quickly takes out Grishnakh’s knife from his belt and hold it to
his throat) is this yours?
GRISHNAKH: Uh… (suddenly they are attacked by the Riders of Rohan, lead by
Éomer. Merry and Pippin quickly escape into the forest)

(Pippin and Merry are leaning against a tree. A minuscule ant is between their
heads)

ANT: Little orcs!
PIPPIN: It’s talking Merry. The tree is talking.
ANT: Tree? I am no tree! I am an ant.
MERRY: Treeherder! Shepherd of the forest.
PIPPIN: Don’t talk to it, Merry. Don’t encourage it.
ANT: No! I’m an ant!
PIPPIN: And whose side are you on?
ANT: Side? I am on nobody’s side. Because nobody is on my side, little orc.
Nobody cares for the woods anymore.
MERRY: We’re not orcs. We’re hobbits!
ANT: Yeah, and I’m an Ent. I’ve never heard of a hobbit before. Sounds like orc
mischief to me. They come with fire, they come with axes. Biting, breaking,
hacking, burning. Destroyers and usurpers. Curse them!
MERRY: No! You don’t understand. We’re hobbits, halflings. Shirefolk!
ANT: And you don’t understand I’m an ANT!
MERRY: Oh. (to Pippin) This film is turning out to be very disappointing.
PIPPIN: I know, I was really looking forward to meeting an Ent. Those deep,
intelligent eyes, tall, strong limbs, profound wisdom. (sighs) All we got was an
ant.
ANT: Yeah, rub it in.
MERRY: Look on the bright side Pip, we could be stuck in the audience. Boy,
there’s gonna be a lot of disappointed people out there. (He and Pippin start to
walk away)
ANT: Hey! Where are you going?
PIPPIN: Well, unless you can tear apart Isengard with your amazingly powerful
limbs, we’re going to see a movie that is worth the admission price.
MERRY: Have you seen the Two Towers yet?
PIPPIN: Yes! It’s brilliant! The acting, the music… everything is brilliant.
Not like some film I could mention…
MERRY: Want to see it again?
PIPPIN: Sure!
ANT: Hm… Isengard… now that’s an idea…

***
ELROND: Reason number 410,379 why you shouldn’t marry Aragorn: he-
ARWEN: Ada, why do you not just give me the list?

ELROND: I guess I could. I already have it in book form. (hands her a thick book
titled ‘Why You, Arwen Undómiel, the Evenstar of Your People, and Reflection of
the Beauty of Lúthien Tinúviel, in case you needed a reminder, Should Not Marry
Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Heir of Isildur the Ring-hogging Idiot, and Heir of
the Throne of Gondor as listed by Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, son of Eärendil the
Mariner and Elwing granddaughter of Lúthien Tinúviel, daughter of Thingol Grey
Mantle and Melian the Mair’)
ARWEN: Um… thanks.
***

Faramir’s Merry Men

(Morning breaks. The three rush out on the trail and are captured by Faramir and
his jolly band of . . . whoops, wrong story. Anyway, Faramir tries and takes the
Ring. Again, Frodo says, “Here you go!” Faramir shrugs, takes it, then ties them
up and brings them to Osgiliath. They escape with the Ring.)

(Sam is sitting by himself, plotting. Gollum comes up.)

GOLLUM: What iss it doing, precious, eh? Whatss it doin’?
SAM: Plotting.
GOLLUM: Oh.
SAM: Are you sure there isn’t a secret way into Mordor?
GOLLUM: Whats it asssking us for, eh?
SAM: Look is there or is there not a secret way into Mordor? Preferably with
something I could feed…. uh, protect Mr. Frodo from?

GOLLUM: (shudders) Aye there is, precious, there is. But it doesn’t want to go
that way, no precious. She’ll get it. Yes, she will precious.

SAM: Who?
GOLLUM: Shelob.
SAM: That wouldn’t happen to be a giant, hungry spider would it?
GOLLUM: Yes, precious, she is.
SAM: Perfect… uh, I mean, gosh, that’s too bad. Which way? (Gollum points. Sam
gets up.) Come along Mr. Frodo, follow me…
FRODO: But we’re supposed to go this way.
SAM: I know, but if you follow me I can lead you to two stairs and a tunnel that
takes you straight into Mordor.

(smiles at the camera evilly. The movie cuts off
to-)

VOICE-OVER: At this moment we will have a short break to listen to some boring
man who will try to tell you how to do everything exactly like him in a pathetic
attempt to get you to spend more money. Thank you.
(A very boring man starts to
tell you the joy of paying your taxes, plus extra, but he is cut off)
V/O: Again, thank you for enduring this advertisement.

(movie continues)

Frodo: (shrugs) Why not? It’s not like there’s some kind of huge spider that
you’ll try to feed me to!
Sam: (looks enviously at the Ring) It’ll be mine soon!

Dinner Party

ARWEN: Why are all these people here?
ELROND: Oh, I decide to invite some friends over for dinner.
ARWEN: How come all of them are single, male Elves?
ELROND: Coincidence.
ARWEN: Uh huh.
ELROND: Come on, dear, cheer up. Just because Aragorn left doesn’t mean you have
to be all sad. Oh, look over there.
ARWEN: Where?
ELROND: (pointing) There.
ARWEN: (after a pause) What are we looking at? I do not see anything.
ELROND: It’s Glorfindel.
ARWEN: Uh huh… (pause) What about him?
ELROND: He’s an Elf.
ARWEN: Really? I had not noticed.
ELROND: He’s also single.

(Arwen quickly leaves)

Continued…

!!pagebreak!!

The Return of the Fellowship of the Two Towers of the King’s Ring

A Lord of the Rings Travesty

The Mustard of Rohan

(Aragorn, still in curlers from the episode, Legolas, knitting, and Gimli,
frantically reading through his joke book, are wandering the countryside. They
come upon Éomer and Co who are on their bicycles.)

ARAGORN: Hey, have you seen our little hobbit friends?

ÉOMER: They might be in the pile of cadavers we burned after we massacred ‘em.
(points)

ARAGORN: Much obliged.

(They go over)

ARAGORN: Are there any hobbits here?

(A few dead sock puppets prop themselves up)

ORC: Well, I would first need to ask, what is a hobbit? (Aragorn pulls out a
picture of a fat hobbit) Ohhh!!! Them!!! Well, they ran off into the forest.

ARAGORN: Thank you.

Orc: No problem. (The dead sock puppets fall back down)

(Aragorn and Co. clippity-clop over to the city of Edoras, the capital of Rohan.
Gandalf mysteriously joins the group with no explanation.)

The Dark Lord Strikes Back

(Saruman’s palantir/bowling ball rings. He answers it.)

SARUMAN: What is thy bidding my master?

SAURON: There is a great disturbance in the Force.

SARUMAN: I have felt it.

SAURON: We have a new enemy… Aragorn of the Dúnedain.

SARUMAN: Yes my master.

SAURON: He would destroy us.

SARUMAN: He is just a Mortal. Elrond can no longer help him.

SAURON: The son of Arathorn must not become king.

SARUMAN: Yes my- (Sauron hangs up) Creep. (takes out his cell phone and dials)

WORMTONGUE’s ANSWERING MACHINE: You’ve reached Gríma. I can’t be bothered to
pick up the phone right now, and I don’t want to talk to you anyway, so don’t
leave a message after the tone…

SARUMAN: Gríma… Wormtongue! I know you’re there Gríma… PICK UP THE PHONE!

WORMTONGUE: What?

SARUMAN: Hello Gríma. I have a job for y-

WORMTONGUE: I’m not doing it. You still haven’t paid me for the first one! It’s
not fair. I thought you said I’d be well paid? But no! Now I’ve got no friends,
no respect, no eyebrows, no girlfriend, no life, everybody hates me and calls me
Wormtongue, and you know how I can’t stand that. All I need now is some
rejuvenated wizard, the heir to the throne of Gondor, a teenage heartthrob of an
Elvish prince, and some hot-headed dwarf to come and kick me out of Rohan! Oh,
got to go, there’s the doorbell! {guess who…!}

SARUMAN: Wormtongue! Don’t you dare hang up the- (Wormtongue hangs up) phone.

The Mustard of Rohan Continued

(Inside Meduseld. The king sits on his throne, aged and mumbling incessantly.
Wormtongue (appropriately named, ‘nuff said) is leaning on the arm of the
throne, and Éowyn, who looks remarkably like Arwen, but with blonde hair, is
standing behind it. Wormtongue makes puppy dog eyes at her, and she sticks out
her tongue at him.)

WORMTONGUE: Drop your staff Gandalf! (Gandalf walks forward, and uses his staff
to restore King Théoden to normal (well, OK, that’s relative). He is wearing is
bathrobe and is holding a rubber ducky) Whatever, just ignore me…

VOICE-OVER: This is not at all like the book and is meant to make this scene
comical. Thank you for giving us your well-earned money to see a very lame
production.

(Wormtongue gets thrown out of door of Meduseld (the Golden Hall), he quickly
skips happily away) “I’m free! I’m free! I’m- (Saruman grabs him) Dang it!”

(Éowyn opens a chest to reveal a sword)

ARAGORN: You have some skill with a blade?

ÉOWYN: More than you. (swings her sword and isn’t parried by Aragorn. He misses
and she whacks his head with the flat of her sword. He falls over) Oh! Oh I’m
sorry! I’m so sorry! Are you alright? Aragorn?

(Aragorn gets up and gingerly touches his hair)

ARAGORN: Ah man! You messed up my hair!

ÉOWYN: Sorry…

ARAGORN: It took me forever to fix it this morning!

ÉOWYN: Ooh… look, you’ve got a big lump on your head!

ARAGORN: What? Oh no! Now my looks are spoiled!

ÉOWYN: It’s just a lump and messy hair, it could’ve been worse, I might have
chopped off your head. (But Aragorn doesn’t listen and continues to whine about
his hair until ÉOWYN, totally disgusted leaves)

(The battle with the Wargs goes on, except everyone is armed with bananas.
Aragorn jumps over the cliff on purpose)

LEGOLAS: (yelling after Aragorn) See you later on in the episode!

ARAGORN: (yelling off screen) Okay!

(Everyone heads to Helms Deep. Éowyn looks worried when she doesn’t see Aragorn)

ÉOWYN: Lord Aragorn, where is he?

LEGOLAS: Bathroom break.

ÉOWYN: Oh.

Father-Daughter Day

ELROND: Arwen! Guess what!

ARWEN: If it has anything to do with a male, single Elf, I have most likely
heard it.

ELROND: No, that’s not it. Today is father daughter day at work.

ARWEN: (very suspicious) Is that so?

ELROND: Yep.

ARWEN: But you do not go to work.

ELROND: Ah… I didn’t, but I do now. I got a job.

ARWEN: Oh?

ELROND: Yes, I’m a mariner now, just like my dad. You get to come to work with
me, and as a special treat you get to go on a trip on the ship I work on!

ARWEN: Nice try.

The (Bad) Choices of Master Samwise

(There are literally two stairs (trouble in translation from Old English,
obviously), then at the top, there is a huge tunnel. They walk in)

SAM: Lucy, I’m home! I mean, Shelob, dinner’s here!

(A huge obese spider stumbles out. Gollum runs away)

SHELOB: Good, I’m starving!

FRODO: (takes off the Ring, hands it to Sam) Here, hold this, will you? (Sam
grins at the camera)

VOICE-OVER: (breaks in) We have absolutely no reason why we just cut in here.
Sorry.

(Frodo gets picked up by Shelob)

SHELOB: Hey, this one is skinny!

FRODO: Here, take Sam instead! (Shelob shrugs. Frodo stabs Shelob, who drops
him)

SAM: Hey, Frodo, since there’s a huge Uruk-Hai behind you about to take you off
to the Dark Lord, can I have this (waving the Ring in the air)?

FRODO: Sure. (Sam giggles in glee. He picks up Frodo’s sword and shield.)

SAM: I shall not save you!

Subtitles say, “The Middle of the Film”. More subtitles say “And now for
something completely different: A man with a tape recorder up his nose”. Cut to
a man in a tuxedo. He sticks his finger up his nose, and “God Save the Queen”
plays. He sticks his finger in the other nostril, and it rewinds. Cut to B/W
footage of people clapping.

VOICE OVER: And now for Scene 30.

Continued…
!!pagebreak!!