The Very Secret Diary of Gandalf the Grey
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY
By Cassie Claire
Day One:
In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?
Day Two:
Bilbo’s Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly.
Whups. Fellover.
Day Three:
Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.
Day Twelve:
Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.
Day Thirteen:
Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.
Day Fourteen:
Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!
Day Sixteen:
Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails…okay you’d think I might have figured out he was evil before.
Day Nineteen:
Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.
Day Twenty:
Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.
Day Twenty-One:
Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, “Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you’re not serious.” Useless git.
Day Twenty-Three:
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.
Day Twenty-Five:
Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.
Day Twenty-Six:
In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.
Day Twenty-Seven:
Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!
17 Comments
It rocked! I’m still getting kicks out of it. Whoever wrote his stuff must have a VERY smutty mind.
Legolas nancing about is funny. I like the fact that gandalf digs hobbits.
it was funny
Oh, I like this. I like all the VSDs, but this… Nice joke about the Balrog still being angry, by the way… and Elrond’s dirty weekend with Sauron! ๐
Does everyone who gets dumped in mkiddle earth catch fire?
Sounds like it. XD
Yep Balrog still angry.
haha “yep, balrog still angry” hehehe ๐
Why is everyone in these stories gay?
Lol!
cuz everyone tolkien ever created is gay
“If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.” That HAD to be my favorite part!
Oooohhhh, Gandalf’s gonna blackmail Elrond hahahhahah. Awww bad date for him hahahahhah
Ehehehe day two xD
Whoever is writing this, the ideas are very… interesting…
I love it! Itรยดs funny (being honest I can say I fell out of my chair laughing…)!
Got to admit, kinda make me feel sick.
Total ruining a good story
Only person gay is the one writing this
I have to agree. This really goes against the grain of Tolkien’s story. It makes the characters out to be selfish, shallow people, which is NOT what Tolkien intended at all.