Things That Were, Things That Are, And Some Things That Should Have Been!


The Fellowship of the Ring

A Parody by Lyekka

Part One:

Prologue:

Galadriel Voice Over- The world has changed and much that once was is lost (Really?). Back in the day, the elves, who are supposed to the “wisest” of all beings, decided to trust a guy named Sauron…even though he had been the grand marshal of the Evil Pride Parade for the better part of forever. So they made rings for all the important races of Middle-Earth. Three for Elves. Seven for the Dwarves (one for Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, Sneezy, Doc, etc…), and nine for mortal men. In these rings, they foolishly put the power to govern each race. But they were deceived by Sauron (who didn’t see that coming?).

In the land of Mordor in the fires of Mount Doom Sauron forged his own Ring. A Ring that could control all of the others. The ring was evil and it took over the free lands of Middle Earth. Then some men and elves a.k.a. the Last Alliance fought against the armies of Mordor. They were actually winning until Sauron came out and started beating people with his big club thing. He killed the King and the king’s son Isildur got pissed and used his father’s broken sword to cut the Ring from Sauron’s hand. He should have destroyed it (lucky for us he didn’t). He took the Ring for his own. Then the Ring put a hit out on him and he was then killed by Orcs. The Ring was lost at the bottom of a river.

Time passed. Some things were forgotten that probably shouldn’t have been (elves’ fault again). Then one day the Ring was found again. The hobbit like creature Gollum took the Ring deep into the Misty Mountains and there the Ring consumed him.

Gollum- My Precious!

Galadriel Voice Over- The ring gave Gollum unnatural long life and was his only friend until when chance came the Ring deserted him. Something happened then an inanimate object with no brain could have predicted: The Ring was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable–A midget.

Bilbo- Oh, a pretty ring. I wonder if it belongs to anyone. Oh, well.

Galadriel Voice Over- Bilbo Baggins, a hobbit from the Shire. For the time will soon come when hobbits will save all our asses.

The Shire: 60 years later

Frodo- *In woods alone reading a “book” when he hears a familiar voice*

Gandalf- *singing* The road goes ever on and on, until you finally fall off a cliff!

Frodo- You’re late Gandalf.

Gandalf- I’m never late Frodo Baggins.

Frodo- Yes you are, Bilbo’s was expecting you days ago. It’s not polite to keep people waiting.

Gandalf- You listen here, I’m a wizard and wizards arrive when and where they want too! Got it?

Frodo- ………. It’s wonderful to see you Gandalf *jumps on Gandalf*

Gandalf- Get off me! *pushes Frodo off*

Frodo- Sorry.

Gandalf- I wasn’t going to miss your uncle Bilbo’s birthday party. He’s giving out free weed!

Frodo- So what’s new? Tell me everything.

Gandalf- Nothing’s happened and nobody cares about hobbits.

Frodo- Bilbo’s been acting odd. I think he’s up to something.

Gandalf- I’m sure it’ll all work out, for him at least.

Frodo- What do you mean?

Gandalf- Oh, nothing Frodo.

Frodo- Well, Gandalf I’m glad you’re here but not enough to stay, c-ya!

*He leaves. A few minutes later Gandalf arrives at a hobbit hole with a sign in front that reads “Don’t Comma Knockin If This Hobbit Holes A Rockin”*

Gandalf- Knock Knock.

Bilbo- Go Away!

Gandalf- It’s Gandalf

Bilbo- *mutters* I know……. *opens door* Oh Gandalf.

Gandalf- You look the same.

Bilbo- I’m butter.

Gandalf- I can’t believe it.

Bilbo- I wanna see the mountains again.

Gandalf- Then go.

Bilbo- I will……wanna smoke some weed?

Gandalf- That’s the only reason I’m here.
*They light up*

Bilbo- Look Gandalf, I can make a smoke ring.

Gandalf- You’re obsessed with rings.

Bilbo- No I’m not! Oh look my party’s started!

*Hobbits dance and eat and drink and smoke until Bilbo must make a speech*

Hobbits- No speech Bilbo please.

Bilbo- *gets up to make speech*

Hobbits- Boo!

Bilbo- I like some of you, I don’t like most of you and I’m better then all of you!

Hobbits- YAY!

Bilbo- I have to go *puts on ring and disappears*

Hobbits- YAY!

Bag End

Bilbo- Idiots.

Gandalf- You think that was funny?

Bilbo- Yes!

Gandalf- Are you leaving now?

Bilbo- That’s why I’m packing.

Gandalf- You’re giving everything to Frodo, including your Ring?

Bilbo- Not everything, but yes, he gets my Ring!

Gandalf- Where is it?

Bilbo- In my pocket.

Gandalf- Take it out and leave it!

Bilbo- You want it for yourself

Gandalf- Bilbo Baggins, do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks!
*Pulls bunny out of pointy hat*

Bilbo- Eeeeek!

Gandalf- I forgot you’re afraid of bunnies!

Bilbo- I better leave before Frodo gets here and starts crying.

Gandalf- Bilbo, the Ring is still in your pocket…

Bilbo- Oh right………*takes out Ring, puts it on the floor directly in front of the door* So long suckers, ha ha ha!

*He leaves*

Later

Frodo- BILBO!

*Gandalf who remained at Bag End after Bilbo left, is smoking his pipe and has become fascinated with the fire in the fireplace when Frodo runs in and trips over the Ring. He’s a very clumsy hobbit*

Frodo- *thud* *gets up* He’s gone hasn’t he?

Gandalf- *still starting at the fire*

Frodo- Gandalf? *waves the shiny Ring in front of Gandalf*

Gandalf- *realizing Frodo’s there* Bilbo’s gone. The Ring is yours!

Frodo- I don’t really want it!

Gandalf- Some things we don’t want we have to have and some things we want we cant get, can you change that Frodo?

Frodo- Huh???

Gandalf- Well, I’m off. Keep the Ring secret.

Frodo- But half the Shire knows about it already!

Gandalf- Keep it safe!

*Gandalf leaves and rides to Minas Tirith*

Frodo- Eeeeek! Who let a bunny in here?

The tower of Barad-dur in Mordor:

Gollum- AAARRRRGGGGHHHH! NO MORE DR. PHIL!!! SHIRE! BAGGINS!

Minas Morgul:

*Nine riders dressed in black robes, riding black horses, silhouetted with an eerie greenish light ride off*

Minas Tirith:

Gandalf- *looking through old scrolls………. finds one that interests him……….reads scroll* “Your Ring is probably really evil. To know for sure put the Ring in fire. If evil Black Speech runes appear then your Ring is definitely evil”……… Oh, crap!

The Shire some time later:

(Hobbit chopping wood with hobbit sized dog next to him)

Dog- Woof woof woof

Black Rider- Shire! Baggins

Hobbit- You look evil and creepy. I’ll still tell you what you want to know though. You’ll find the Baggins up in Hobbiton. Just go straight down that road until you reach a small river. Turn left at the river and that will lead you straight to Hobbiton and the Hobbit you seek.

Black Rider- Thanks.

Hobbit- No prob .

Hobbiton:

(Frodo is just getting in from a night of drinking. He walks in to find the door wide open and all the candles blown out)

Gandalf- (jumps out of a dark corner and grabs Frodo)

Frodo- ARGH! What the hell are you doing? Why are all the lights out?

Gandalf- Just thought I’d give you a little scare

Frodo- So everything’s okay?

Gandalf- No, Frodo I need to see your Ring

(Frodo give’s Gandalf the Ring and Gandalf throws it into the fireplace)

Gandalf- Light the fire Frodo

Frodo- Can’t you use your magic?

Gandalf- I cant do everything for you Frodo, now light the fire

Frodo- (lighting fire) It was lit before you broke in and put it out

(They wait)

Gandalf- Okay take the Ring out of the fire

Frodo- You threw it in!

Gandalf- FINE! (he uses tongs to remove the ring) Hold out your hand Frodo

Frodo- It’ll burn

Gandalf- Dear Frodo would I do anything to hurt you? Trust me, it’s quite cool!

Frodo- (holds out hand, Gandalf puts Ring in it) *sizzel* AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Gandalf- Does it burn ?

Frodo- YES!

Gandalf- The Ring?

Frodo- NO, you touched my hand with the tongs

Gandalf- Oh….. look at the Ring can you see anything? Writing maybe?

Frodo- It’s some form of elvish. What does it mean Gandalf?

Gandalf- The Ring is evil. The full story is long and dark and shouldn’t be told in the middle of the night

(Gandalf proceeds to tell Frodo long dark tale in the middle of the night)

Frodo- How scary!

Gandalf- It gets even worse. The dark lord now knows you have his Ring and has sent his most evil and deadliest servants to find and kill you

Frodo- You take the Ring then

Gandalf- I cant! The Valar wont let me have another one

Frodo- Then I have to leave the Shire

Gandalf- That’s what I was getting at

Frodo- Will you come with me?

Gandalf- ……Uh…….No, Frodo I have….uh.. something….uh…very important… to do

Frodo- Like what?

Gandalf- DO NOT MEDDLE IN THE AFFAIRS OF WIZARDS FRODO BAGGINS!!!

Frodo- How am I suppose to get there?

Gandalf- Walk!

Frodo- You have a horse! Wouldn’t it be easier, faster and safer if you took me?

Gandalf- No, Frodo this is your task

Frodo- It’ll be really dangerous if I go alone though

Gandalf- So take a few friends. You can use them as decoys. While the enemy kills them you and the Ring can get away safely

Frodo- Good idea but I should take the gardener Sam Gamgee too! He’ll carry all the heavy stuff!

Gandalf- Good, good, Frodo! Make it so! I must go do that thing I mentioned.

Frodo- Where should I go?

Gandalf- Make for the village of Bree

Frodo- And the Ring will be safe there?

Gandalf- I don’t know Frodo I don’t have any answers

Frodo- Then what good are you?

Gandalf- I’ll meet you in Bree at the inn of the Prancing Fairy…. I mean the Prancing Pony, you probably wouldn’t want to go to the Prancing Fairy. I’ll also stop by the gardeners shack on my way out and threaten him into going with you.

(He leaves and heads to Isengard to speak with Saruman the White, the head of his order)

Gandalf- (singing) I’m off to see the with wizard, the wonderful wizard of Isengard. Because, because, because, becauuuuuuse, because of the wonderful stuff he does.

Isengard:

(Gandalf arrives at Isengard and is greeted by an evil looking wizard)

Gandalf- I know where the One Ring’s at

Saruman- So does the Dark Lord!

Gandalf- You know this? How?

Saruman- I’m a wizard, hello!

Gandalf- You’ve been looking in the Palantir haven’t you?

(They move to a large room. There is a pedestal in the center with a black orb on it)

Gandalf- A palantir isn’t a toy Saruman, you shouldn’t play with it

Saruman- Why should we fear to use it?

Gandalf- Because you don’t know who’s really on the other end

Saruman- I do!

Gandalf- Who?

Saruman- Sauron! Mwa-ha-ha-ha

Gandalf- You’re evil?

Saruman- Duh! Look at me

(They fight. Saruman wins and locks Gandalf on top of his tower with no possible chance of escape)

Meanwhile: In a corn field

Sam- (stops walking) This is it

Frodo- This is what?

Sam- If I take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home, I’ve ever been

Frodo- Stop whining Sam.

Later:

Sam- Where are we going Mr. Frodo?

Frodo- Didn’t Gandalf tell you anything Sam?

Sam- He said I had to call you Mr. Frodo and that if I didn’t go he would turn me into a little piggy!

Frodo- (laughs) That wouldn’t be so different!…… Do you smell smoke?

Sam- He also made me promise some stuff

Frodo- What did he say? …….Seriously I smell smoke!

Sam- Well, first he said “Don’t you lose him Samwise Gamgee!” Then he said “Don’t you eat all the food Samwise Gamgee!” And I don’t mean too!………It’s getting kinda smoky……

(Just then two hobbits go running by)

Merry- Sorry we’re late Frodo, but you might want to run

Frodo- Why?

Pippin- Because Merry just set the field on fire

(They all run but stop on top of a hill)

Frodo- Why did you set the field on fire?

Merry- I didn’t mean to!

Sam- What did you mean “sorry were late”?

Frodo- They’re coming with us Sam.

Sam- I thought it was just going to be us, Mr. Frodo!

Pippin- Well Frodo asked us to come. I guess he wants actual friends on this trip

Sam- Get bent!

(Sam pushes Pippin down the hill)

Pippin- ASSSSS YOOOOOUUUU WISSSSSHHHHHH

Merry- Wha’d you do that for?

(Pushes Sam down the hill)

Frodo- Hey! He has all my stuff

(Push’s Merry down the hill. Frodo then trips on a piece of grass and falls after his friends and Sam. He lands on top of the hobbits who are now fighting over mushrooms)

Merry- Ouch!

Pippin- Ow!

Sam- I didn’t feel anything!

(They all get up)

Frodo- We should get off the road!

Hobbits- (Ignore him)

Frodo- Get off the road

Hobbits- (Ignore him)

Frodo- GET OFF THE F****** ROAD

(They jump off road and hide under some tree roots)

Black Rider- SCREECH

Frodo- Must…..put…..on……Ring

Merry- I’ll throw a bag of mushroom to distract it (does so)

Black Rider- MUSHROOMS! (runs off)

(Hobbits run)

Frodo- We have to get to Bucklebury Ferry

Marry- That’s my line!

Frodo- Huh???

Merry- Follow me!

(They do)

Black Rider- SCREECH!

Sam- Run Frodo run!

Merry- Get the rope Sam

Pippin- Come on Frodo! If Sam ‘s fast enough to keep up, you are!

Frodo- GO!!! I’LL JUMP!

(He does)

*SPLASH*

Frodo- Oops! (climbs up on ferry) How far until the nearest crossing?

Merry- How the hell should I know?

Later

Frodo- Look Bree!

Bree

Frodo- We need to find the Prancing Pony!

Merry- You mean the Prancing Fairy?

Frodo- No, Gandalf said the Prancing Pony

Merry- I’ve never been to that one!

Frodo-There it is

(They enter Inn)

Butterbur- I don’t remember anything!

Frodo- M’kay, can we get a room?

Butterbur- All four of ya, eh? Sure you aint looking for the Prancing Fairy?

Frodo- NO!

Butterbur- All right young sirs, I meant no offense. You can go wait in the common room!

Frodo- Is Gandalf here?

Butterbur- I don’t remember! (he leaves)

(They enter common room and sit down)

Frodo- So we’re finally here!

Merry- At least we didn’t have to go through the Borrow-downs

Pippin- Or the Old Forest. Never know what kind of singing freaks you’ll meet in there!

Sam- What are we going to do without Gandalf?

(Frodo takes Ring out and plays with it)

Frodo- Oops! (the Ring slips on his finger. Everything goes blurry) ARGH! Big Evil Creepy Fiery Eye! I remember now why I wasn’t supposed to put the Ring on!

Big Evil Creepy Fiery Eye- Mwa-ha-ha-ha

(Frodo takes off the Ring)

Merry- Wha’d you do that for?

Frodo- So everyone would pay attention to me!

Pippin- What are we going to do without Gandalf?

Sam- I already asked that!

Frodo- I don’t know maybe take up with that strange dirty man that’s been starting at us! (to strange dirty man) Hey, come on over!

Merry- What are you doing?

Frodo- Inviting him over

Pippin- Why?

Frodo- He may want to help

Strange Dirty Man- I know what hunts you. Are you scared?

Frodo- No!

Strange Dirty Man- You will be! YOU WILL BE!

Hobbits- ???

Strange Dirt Man- I want to help you

Frodo- (to hobbits) See?

Strange Dirty Man- You can call me Strider, I’m a Ranger and a friend of Gandalf’s! You can stay in my room tonight and in the morning I’ll lead you to safety!

Merry- Frodo can we have a word?

(They have hobbit huddle)

Merry- How do we know this Strider is a friend of Gandalf’s?

Frodo- I think a servant of the enemy would look fairer and feel fouler

Merry- He smells foul enough!

Frodo- We have no choice but to trust him!

Pippin- And why do we have to stay in his room?

Strider- (poking Pippin with every word) So the Nazgul wont sneak into your room in the middle of the night and repeatedly stab you

Pippin- (moving away from Strider) What are Nazgul?

Strider- (Zoom in and ominous music plays)They were once men. Great kings of men. Then Sauron the deceiver gave to then nine rings of power. Blinded by their greed they took them without question. One by one falling into darkness. They are the Ringwraiths, neither living nor dead. At all time they feel the presence of the Ring, drawn to its power.

Frodo- That’s great but WHAT are they?

Strider- (Zoom in and ominous music plays again)They were once men. Great kings of men. Then-

Frodo- I KNOW! WHO ARE THEY AND WHY DO YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT THEM?

Strider- The Black Riders! They will never stop until they’ve hunted you down and killed you. So, we should get some sleep.

(They do)

Isengard

Palantir- Build me an army

Saruman- OK

Orc- What orders from Mordor? What does the Eye command?

Saruman- Cut down ALL the trees.

Palantir- I said build me an army, not cut down all the trees.

Meanwhile

(Gandalf’s still stuck on tower)

Next Day:

(Strider the four hobbits and Bill the pony set out)

Sam- (leading the pony) Where are you leading us?

Strider- Hurry up little ones

Pippin- Where are you leading us?

Strider- To Rivendell

Sam- We’re going to see the elves?

Pippin- We’re going to see the elves?

Strider- Thats right little Took!

Sam- How come no one ever answers my questions?

Pippin- How come no one answers Sam’s questions?

Merry- Because Sam doesn’t ask very good questions

Sam- Then how come Pippin always repeats me?

Pippin- Frodo, tell your fat servant to call me Mr. Pippin.

Sam- I’m not fat, I’m festively plump!

Frodo- All of you should shut up

Sam- But Mr. Frodo I…

Strider- We can rest here tonight!

(They stop at what appears to have once been a great watch tower)

Strider- This was once a great watch tower! Here’s four hobbit-sized swords I just happened to have! Don’t do anything stupid like light a fire while a go look around!

Pippin- We’re on a hill, there’s nothing to see!

(He leaves anyway)

Frodo- I’m tired. I think I’ll have a nice nap!

Later

(Frodo wakes up to the smell of burning tomatoes)

Frodo- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Sam- Mr. Merry accidentally lit another fire, so we decided to cook!

Frodo- You’re burning it!

Nazgul- SCREEECH

Hobbits- Oops!

Nazgul #4- Will get you!

Nazgul #1/ Witch King of Angmar- Give us the Ring!

Frodo- NO! I’ll just take it out and show it to you…….must……put……on….Ring!

(He does. Everything goes blurry and Nazgul turn into really pale guys)

Frodo- Crap! Why do I keep doing that?

Witch King of Angmar- I’m gonna stab you with my special hobbit stabbin sword!
(Does so)

Frodo- ARGH!

Strider- (back from doing whatever he was doing) I’ll save you!

Nazgul- SCREECH! NO A RANGER! WE MUST FLEE!
(They do)

Frodo- Help me!

Sam- It would help if you took off the Ring, Mr. Frodo!

Frodo- Oh, yeah! (takes off Ring)

Sam- Mr. Frodo (runs to Frodo)

Frodo- Oh Sam, where are my friends?

Merry+Pippin- Right here Frodo!

Strider- He’s been stabbed, he needs medicine!

Merry- REALLY, ya think???

Strider- I must get him to the elves

(Picks up Frodo and takes off running)

Sam- What about us???

(They run after Strider)

Isengard:

(An army of Orcs are busy digging caverns, cutting down trees and making weapons. Saruman is watching mud pods give birth to his new army of Uber-Orcs. Gandalf is still on top of the tower)

Gandalf- I’m bored!

Moth- Me too!

Gandalf- Wanna do me a favor?

Moth- Depends

Gandalf- Go get Gwaihir the giant eagle to come and rescue me!

Moth- Whats in it for me?

Gandalf- I promise I wont eat you!

Moth- Okay, be back at the exact moment you need rescuing!

Meanwhile:

(Strider needs a rest from carrying Frodo so he uses the excuse that he wants to look for medical herbs)

Sam- Frodo’s going cold!

Nazgul- SCREECH

Merry- They’re close!

Strider- Sam, go off on your own and try to find some weeds!

Sam- Weeds? But I wanna stay with Mr. Frodo. Can’t you send one of the others?

Strider- No, its too dangerous out there. I dont wanna risk them! Now, go Sam go!

(Sam goes)

Merry- I hear a horse approaching

Strider- Hide!

(They do. They wait)

Strider- It’s an elf! I know that horse! It’s Glorfindel on Asfaloth! (runs to greet the elf)
Glorfindel! Over here!

Elf- It’s not Glorfindel, it’s Arwen!

Strider- Awren! But why do you have Glorfindel’s horse?

Arwen- Because I knocked Glorfindel out and stole his horse!

Strider- Why?

Awren- So I could come rescue you!

Strider- My little midget friend got stabbed. We need to be taken to Rivendell quickly!

(He picks up Frodo and puts him on Asfulath)

Sam- (coming back from his weed quest) What’s going on?

Pippin- What’s going on?

Merry- The elf’s here to save Frodo! He’s going to take him to Rivendell

Pippin- I think that elf’s a chick Merry

Merry- I can never tell the difference.

Arwen- I’ll take him, you stay here with the others.

Strider- Aww, but it’s really dangerous out here!

Arwen- I have to get back before Glorfindel wakes up and reports his horse stolen.

Strider- All right.

Arwen- Go stolen horse! GO!

(They go)

Sam- What are you doing? Those wraiths are still out there!

Horse Ride:

(Arwen and Frodo are riding to Rivendell)

Nazgul- SCREECH

Arwen- Faster horse

Nazgul- SCREEEEEECH

(They cross the river)

Nazgul- Give up the halfling, he-elf

Arwen- SHE-ELF!!! Just for that my daddy’s going to raise the river and drown your stupid horses.

(He does)

Nazgul- SCREEEECH! WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD! SCREECH!

Frodo- AUGH!

Arwen- Toto no! Toto, don’t give in!

Frodo- It’s Frodo (with that he passes out and everything goes white)

Rivendell:

Frodo- (waking) Where am I?

Gandalf- You are in Rivendell

Frodo- Why didn’t you meet us?

Gandalf- I was delayed!

(Gandalf remembers how the moth came through and brought the giant eagle Gwaihir to rescue him. Gandalf feels slightly bad that he broke his promise and ate the moth anyway. But after all he was on that tower with no food for a long time)

Frodo- I thought you said a wizard arrives when and where he wants too!

Gandalf- He does!

Frodo- Then how were-

Gandalf- DO NOT MEDDLE IN THE AFFAIRS OF WIZARDS!

(Sam runs in)

Sam- I herd raised voices! Frodo you’re awake!

Gandalf- Sam has hardly left your side. It’s no wonder you didn’t wake up until he was gone!

Later:

(Frodo decides to go for a walk. Sam insists on following)

Sam- La la la, it’s nice here isn’t it Mr. Frodo?

(Merry and Pippin come running up)

Sam- Least it was!

Frodo- Merry!

Merry- Frodo!

Frodo- Pippin!

Pippin-Frodo!

Sam- Sam!

(Frodo sees Bilbo)

Frodo- Bilbo

Bilbo- Frodo! Here read my book!

Frodo- You could have done better

Meanwhile:

Elrond- The hobbit’s better. He needs to leave!

Gandalf- But the Ring?

Elrond- Gandalf, the Ring cannot stay here!

Gandalf- Thought that’s what you’d say!

Elrond- Sorry but the elves wont help this time! Dwarfs care nothing for the troubles of others and Men are week idiots who couldn’t destroy the Ring in the first place!

Gandalf- Then what should we do?

Elrond- I’ve called a council for elves, dwarfs and men

Gandalf- You just said there useless

Later that night:

(A man walks into a room with a pedestal in the center. On it is laid the shards of a sword. Above is a sign that reads: Narsil: The blade that cut the Ring from Sauron’s hand. DO NOT TOUCH IF YOU TOUCH ANYWAY PLEASE PUT BACK STRAIGHT)

Man- It smells in this place! (picks up sword)

Strider- The sign says no touching.

Man- I didn’t see you there. You’re a little dirty for an elf.

Strider- I am man. You can call me Strider.

Man- (playing with sward) I am also a man. Don’t let the dress fool you! My name is Boromir. I am a soldier of Gondor. Defender of the White- OUCH!!! (he cut himself) It’s still sharp! IT HURTS!

(With that the brave soldier of Gondor runs out of the room crying, dropping the sword in the process)

Strider- (picks up sword and places it back on the pedestal, NOT STRAIGHT) Ha ha, that’s what he gets for touching my sword!

(Arwen enters)

Arwen- Why do you fear the past?

Strider- I don’t!

Arwen- You are Isildur’s heir, not Isildur himself!

Strider-……Okay!………..Wanna go for a walk?

Arwen- Sure, as long as we don’t go past the stables

Strider- Why?

Arwen- Because Glorfindel’s down there crying over his horse, mumbling something about how I “stole his part”

Strider- I wonder what that’s all about

(They walk)

Strider- Do you remember when we first met?

Arwen- You thought I was one of my brothers, I mistook you for a bum and threw rocks at your head!

Strider- After that?

Arwen- You were in the house of healing for two weeks with head injuries.

Strider- After that?

Arwen- You took a bath

Strider- After that?

Arwen- Not really

Strider- You said you’d bind yourself to me. Forsaking the immortal life of your people.

Arwen- Whoa- whoa- whoa, I don’t remember saying that!

Strider- I think you had too much ale and hobbit weed

Arwen- Well then to that I hold. I would rather share one lifetime with you, then face all the ages of this world with that confounded crybaby Glorfindel.

Strider- Good! I must go rest now. Tomorrow I must attend a secret council to which everyone is invited.

The Not So Secret Council of Elrond:

(Some elves, some dwarves, some men, one hobbit and a “wizard” are sitting in a horse shoe like gazebo thing with you guessed it, a pedestal in the center)

Elrond- Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you’ve been summoned here-

Random Dwarf- WE, were invited, NOT summoned you tiara wearing-

Elrond- TO ANSWER THE THREAT OF MORDOR! Bring forth the Ring Frodo and place it on the convenient pedestal

(He does)

Everyone- *gasp*

Boromir- Lets use it

Strider- You cannot wield it. None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone! It has no other master!

Boromir- The midget seems to be doing okay with it, and anyway what would a dirty Ranger know of this matter?

(An elf dramatically hops up)

Elf- This is no mere dirty Ranger! HE is Aragorn son of Arathorn! You owe him your allegiance!

Strider/Aragorn- Aww man, you spoiled my secret Legolas

Elrond- ALL OF YOU SHUT UP! The Ring must be destroyed.

(A dwarf gets up and takes his neighbors axe)

Dwarf- Then what are we waiting for?

(He swings the axe at the Ring and the axe breaks sending shards of metal flying)

Random Person#1- ARRRRGGGGHHH! MY EYE!!!

Dwarfs Neighbor- My axe!

Elrond- The Ring cannot be destroyed Gini son of whoever-

Dwarf- Gimli son of Gloin

Elrond- I don’t care. Anyway the only way to destroy the Ring is by walking into Mordor and throwing it into a volcano aptly named Mt. DOOM! One of you must do this!

Random Person #2- You do it!

Elrond- I can’t!……… But the Ring MUST be destroyed!

Boromir- And when we fail, what then?

Legolas- (dramatically getting up again) The Ring must be destroyed

(Gimli the Dwarf gets up again)

Gimli- I suppose you think you can do it.

Legolas- You spit on me, nasty!

(Everyone begins to fight)

Elves- rabble rabble rabble

Dwarves- rabble rabble rabble

Men- rabble rabble rabble

Frodo- I will take it!

Everyone- rabble rabble rabble

Frodo- I WILL TAKE IT

Everyone- rabble rabble rabble

Frodo- (starts biting ankles to get their attention)

Everyone- rabble rab-

Frodo- I WILL TAKE THE RING TO MORDOR

Gandalf- I will help you Frodo Baggins

Frodo- Great, I remember the last time you “helped” (sarcastically) “NO, Bilbo leave the Ring for Frooodo”

Strider/Aragorn- I will help too. You have my sword

Frodo- The broken one?

Legolas- And you have MY bow

Gimli- AND my AXE!

Boromir- FINE, I’ll go too!

Sam- (running out from his hiding spot) Mr. Frodo’s not going anywhere with out me

Frodo- Dammit

Merry+Pippin- (running out from their hiding spot) Wait! We’re coming too!

Sam- Dammit

Pippin- Merry wants to go because he has to “prove himself” or whatever, and I just want to piss off Sam.

Elrond- Very well, you shell be the Brotherhood of Evil Tacky Gold Finger Jewelry!……….No! How bout The Companionship of the Ring? Or The Association for the Destruction of the Ring?….. Well, we can work on the name.

Sometime Later:

(Frodo’s in Bilbo’s room)

Bilbo- I have a few gifts for you Frodo

Frodo- …..Uh…no thanks…..remember the last gift you gave me?

Bilbo- These are different. I got these on my thieving adventure

Frodo- You got the Ring on your bloody thieving adventure

Bilbo- Oh, yes you’re quite right. It’s all my fault (starts to cry)

Frodo- It’s okay Bilbo….So what was it you wanted to give me?

Bilbo- Check this out! (he hands Frodo a hobbit sized sward and a pretty chain-mail shirt) The sword is called Sting and it glows blue when Orcs are close. It’s times like that you have to be extra careful

Frodo- Well, duh! And what’s this (holding up chain-mail shirt)

Bilbo- That’s Mithril, it’s light but hard.

Frodo- It’s fabulous! Much better gifts than the last one

Bilbo- Oh, my Ring (starts to cry again) I’m sorry I brought this upon you my boy. I’m sorry for everything! Everything’s my fault. (he breaks down and starts screaming “WHY? WHY?”)

Frodo- It’s really okay uncle….. Well, I guess I’ll be going now

(He leaves)

Bilbo- Ha ha ha, works every time!

!!pagebreak!!

Part Two:

The Ring Goes South……..

(The “wizard”, elf, dwarf, two men, four hobbits and Bill the pony will soon set out for MORDOR. Elrond comes to see them off)

Elrond- How about ‘The Partnership of Isildur’s Bane?’

Everyone- NO!

Merry- How about The Fellowship of the Ring?

Everyone- That’ll work!

Elrond- (angry) GET OUT!

(The Fellowship leaves)

Later:

(Walking)

Later:

(More walking)

Later:

(I get it! They’re walking)

Later:

Gandalf- Let’s set up camp, even though it’s still the middle of day!

Everyone- OK

(They do)

Hobbit’s- Lets eat

(They do)

Legolas- I’m going to stand on a rock and look paranoid

(He does)

Aragorn- Gandalf, what road are we to take?

Gandalf- I don’t know, maybe the Mines of Moria!

Aragorn- NO! Not the Mines

Gimli- Why not? My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome!

Boromir- We could go to my city!

Everyone- NO!

Legolas- Birds are coming!

Everyone- BIRDS?

Legolas- That’s right, birds

Aragorn- HIDE!!!

(They do)

Sam- What about Bill?

Pippin- What about the pony?

Aragorn- He can turn into a rock or something Pippin…

Pippin- Is that true?

Aragorn- I don’t know. Ask the director why the pony can’t be seen in this scene but he can in the next one.

Pippin- Huh?

(Birds pass)

Gandalf- Spies of Saruman! We must take the pass of Caradhras.

Merry- What’s that?

Gandalf- ‘Tis a mountain!

Merry- A mountain of what?

Gandalf- Stop acting like a fool (hits Merry with staff). Really “a mountain of what” What do you think?

Mountain:

(The clumsy Ring-bearer trips on a snow flake and almost rolls down the mountain. Aragorn saves him)

Aragorn- Do want me to carry you?

Frodo- …..Um…no that’s okay

(Throughout the day Frodo continues to “accidentally” trip and roll into Aragorn’s welcoming arms. After the twenty-third time the rest of the annoyed Fellowship decide to stop for the night. It’s really cold and they can’t get a fire lit.)

Gandalf- It’s colder then I thought it would be up here…..

Pippin- Gandalf, can’t you use your wizard magic and light a fire?

Gandalf- Young hobbit when will you learn that a wizard cannot do things simply to make your life easier?

Frodo- That’s the truth!

Merry- There! (he starts a fire)

Aragorn- How did you do that?

Merry- I’m not sure

Next Day: Still On Mountain:

(It’s snowing and everyone is almost covered in show, well almost everyone)

Legolas- Look what I can do! (he dances around on the snow)

Gimli- Gandalf, trip him with your staff

Legolas- There is a foul smell in the air!

(He turns and looks at Aragorn)

Legolas- Never mind.

Aragorn- (holding Frodo and Sam) What?

Boromir- (holding Merry and Pippin) We should turn back! Go to my city!

Everyone- NO!

Gimli- Lets us go through the Mines of Moria.

Gandalf- Let Frodo decide.

Frodo- Why do I have decide? Isn’t there already enough pressure on me?

Gimli- Frodo, if we go through the Mines, Aragorn won’t have to carry you and your face wont be so close to his armpits.

Frodo- We will go through the Mines!

(They turn and head back down the mountain)

The Gates of Moria:

Gandalf- We have to find the doors!

(They do)

Gandalf- Lucky for us the moon is out tonight. Now if I only could remember the password because with out it, we’re screwed…

Pippin- Shouldn’t you have mentioned you didn’t know the password?

Gandalf- I DO know it! So shut up and let me concentrate!

Pippin- Whatever! I bet Saruman wouldn’t need the stupid password; he could just use his “magic”

Six hours later:

(All are sitting on shore of a creepy lake. Aragorn and Sam are unloading the pony and Gimli is telling Merry and Pippin a horror story)

Gimli- It was wearing black robes and white paint on its face…

Pippin- Was it scary?

Gilmi- Very

Merry- What’s it called?

Gimli- They call it a mime- a mime!

Hobbits- *gasp*

Boromir- I hate this place (picks up rock and throws it into lake)

Aragorn- What’s your problem man?

Boromir- I’m the expendable guy

Aragorn- You’re not expendable. If anyone here is expendable, it’s most certainly one of the hobbits. We don’t really need four of them!

Hobbits- We heard that!

Gimli- Nobody tosses a dwarf!

(Everyone looks at dwarf)

Legolas- A diversion!

(Everyone looks at elf)

Gandalf- I remember, I remember! ALOHOMORA!!!

(Nothing happens)

Legolas- Nothing happened…

Frodo- Gandalf, what does the writing on the door say?

Gandalf- Oh, nothing important. It says speak friend and enter…

Frodo- Oh for f**** sake Gandalf. What’s the elvish word for friend?

Gandalf- Banana!

(Nothing happens)

Frodo- *sigh*………..Legolas, what’s the elvish word for friend?

Legolas- Mellon…

(The door opens but just before they are about to enter a giant squid grabs Frodo)

Legolas- Giant squid!

Frodo- HELP!!!

(They do)

Gandalf- RUN! TO THE MINES!

(They do! The giant squid blocks the door from the outside)

Gandalf- We’re blocked in…

Everyone- Great.

Sam- What about Bill?

Gandalf- (to Pippin) Hey smart ass you wanna see some magic?

Pippin- Yes, but I doubt I will.

Gandalf- BEHOLD, my magic crystal that will give us light!

(Crystal lights)

Sam- Wow!

Pippin- But it’s the crystal that’s magical, not you!

Gandalf- But it’s my crystal…

Pippin- So, Frodo has a magic ring. That doesn’t mean he has any real powers!

Boromir- LOOK! Dead Dwarves (It’s obvious they were killed by Orcs)

Legolas- They were killed by Orcs.

Gimli- NOOOOOOOOO!

Aragorn- Tell me, Gimli. How long exactly has it been since you heard from your cousin?

Gimli- About thirty years or so!

Aragorn- Thirty years and you didn’t think that was odd?

Gimli- ……Uh…….My kin is dead NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Gandalf- QUIET FOOL! (he hits Gimli over the head with his staff. Gimli falls unconscious on the floor)

Aragorn- Great, now one of us has to carry him!

Gandalf- Make Pippin do it! This is his fault anyhow…

Pippin- WHAT! This isn’t my fault and besides he’s too big for me to-

Gandalf- DO AS I SAY HOBBIT!

(He does. More because he’s afraid Gandalf will hit him with his staff then turn him into anything…..unnatural)

Later:

Pippin- (dropping Gimli to the floor) I’m hungry.

Gimli- Nobody drops a dwarf.

Pippin- You’re awake?

Gimli- Yo! I have been. Thanx for the ride holms (goes to eat)

Pippin- Gandalf, I think you broke Gimli when you hit him on the head.

Gandalf- What do you mean?

Pippin- He’s talking strange. He use’s strange words that don’t make sense.

Gandalf- …… I….. did that….. with my…. magic…

Pippin- Why?

Gandalf- I’m afraid the reasons of a wizard cannot be comprehended by a simple minded hobbit!

Aragorn- Which way should we go Gandalf?

Gandalf- I don’t remember

Pippin- Oh great this, AGAIN!

You can read the sequel, “Things That Were, Things That Are, & Some Things That Should Have Been – The Two Towers”, here.