Things That Were, Things That Are, And Some Things That Should Have Been!


The Two Towers

A Parody by Lyekka

Part One

Emyn Muil:

Frodo- *waking* Auuuggghhh!
Sam- *also waking* What is, it Mr. Frodo?
Frodo- Bad dream!
Sam- It’s those bunnies again, huh?
Frodo- I hate them, Sam!
Sam- *pats Frodo’s shoulder* I know!…….. Do you smell that Mr. Frodo? It reminds me of Strider.
Frodo- Why do you still call Aragorn, Strider?
Sam- It’s easier to say.
Frodo- I think we’re lost!
Sam- Do you think its a bog?
Frodo- What’s a bog?
Sam- That smell!
Frodo- Will you shut up about smells?
Sam- I could go for food right now.
Frodo- When could you not?
Sam- (ignoring Frodo) Then a few hits of pipeweed.
Frodo- Aww man!
Sam- What?
Frodo- I just remembered I left my stash back in Lothlorien.
Sam- Well, it’s too late to go back now.
Frodo- That crazy elf-bitch better not smoke it all!
Sam- I’m sure she wont Mr. Frodo. I’m sure she wont.

Later

(Gollum tries to sneak up on hobbits while they sleep and take the Ring)
Gollum- (yells) I WANT MY PRECIOUS BACK!!!
(Hobbit’s jump him)
Gollum- Don’t hurt me!
Frodo- Why not?
Gollum- I can help you.
Sam- He’ll lead us into a trap!
Frodo- Will you lead us to a trap?
Gollum- …….No!
Frodo- All right then, show us to the Black Gate.
Gollum- Follow me!
(They do)

Uber-Orcs are taking Merry and Pippin to Isengard

Uber-Orc#8- I smell something!
Uber-Orc#3- Man flesh!
Pippin- Eww, that has to be Aragorn (he skillfully uses mouth to remove brooch from cloak and leave as a clue)
Uber-Orc#3- Lets go!
(They do)

Meanwhile

(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli have been running after the Uber-Orcs for three days. Only stopping for sleep, pee breaks and tea time of course. They happened to be stopped at the moment)
Aragorn- I love you rock.
Legolas- Come! We must run faster!
Gimli- What is Aragorn doing to that rock?
Legolas- He clams he’s ‘listening to hear where the Uber-Orcs are.’
Gimli- What do you think he’s doing?
Aragorn- (overhearing) I WAS listening for Uber-Orcs!
Legolas- What did you hear then?
Aragorn- They must have caught our scent.
Legolas- You mean your scent!
Aragorn- Whatever, we must run faster!
(They do)

Later

Aragorn- Look, a pretty brooch!
Legolas- It belongs to one of the hobbits!
Aragorn- Finders keepers!
Gimli- We’re gaining on them!
Aragorn- These evil creatures have unnatural speed!
Legolas- Some evil gave speed to these creatures!
Aragorn- Really?
Legolas- They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard!
Aragorn- Really?

Isengard

Palantir- Mwa-ha-ha-ha
Saruman- Who will dare stand against the might of Sauron and Saruman, and the Axis of Evil?
Palantir- …Uh….how about, the Union of the Two Towers?
Saruman- …and the Union of the Two Towers. I will cut down every forest, mine every resource, drive the machine of WAR and kill all who oppose me! It will begin in Iraq…uh…I mean Rohan! I’ll send some troops to slaughter every last peasant and destroy their homes.
Palantir- Make me proud son!

Edoras: (The wooden city)

Eomer- The king’s son is dying.
Eowyn- Then I get to rule!
Eomer- No, I will!
Eowyn- Oh, yeah. Must have a chat with Grima about that.
Eomer- What are you planning sister?
Eowyn- Nothing. We must give the news to the king.
(They go to a man that looks half dead)
King Theoden- *grunt*
Eowyn- Your son’s gonna die!
King Theoden- *grunt*
Eomer- He was ambushed by Orcs.
Grima Wormtongue- Zat is a lie!
Eomer- No it isn’t, look *throws body of Orc in front of Theoden*
Wormtongue- Oh…
Eomer- If we don’t defend Rohan, Saruman will take it by force.
Wormtongue- Zat is a lie!
Eomer- No, it isn’t! *throws another Orc down. This one has the White Hand of Saruman on it*
Wormtongue- Oh…. YOU’RE BANISHED!!!
Eowyn- YES!
Eomer- NO!

Uber-Orcs stop

Uber-Orc#1- Get a fire going!
(Uber-Orcs began to chop down trees)
Pippin- I’m hungry!
Uber-Orc#12- I’m hungry !
Merry- Hope they don’t try to eat us!
Uber-Orc#23- Lets eat the prisoners!
Merry- *sigh*
Uber-Orc#1- Lets eat you *kills Uber-Orc#23*
(Uber-Orcs eat Uber-Orc#23 leaving the hobbits unguarded)
Merry- Lets go!
(They try but the Uber-Orc on a diet catches them)
Uber-Orc On A Diet- Just one bite wont hurt-
(Just then a spear comes out of nowhere and kills him. Men on horses ride in carelessly killing everything in their path)

Meanwhile

(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli have been chasing the Uber-Orcs all night and the first light of day can be seen on the horizon)
Legolas- The sun rises! Day is approaching!
Aragorn- You really shouldn’t speak!

Later

Aragorn- I hear something. Maybe we should hide.
(The brave worriers hide behind a rock. Men on horses pass)
Aragorn- Horsies! *runs out after horses*
Legolas- Aragorn, NO! *runs after him*
(Gimli follows…..What else is he going to do?)
Aragorn- HORSIES!
(Men on horsies…..horses ride back and surround them)
Man- I thought the air was unusually foul.
Aragorn- We are friends of this land and of your king.
Man- The king has no friends, not even his own kin. I am Eomer his nephew and that bastard banished me.
Aragorn- We’re looking for Uber-Orcs!
Eomer- We killed them!
Aragorn- Bummer! That’s kind of an anticlimax for us.
Gimli- Yo! You see two hobbits?
Eomer- We killed everything and burned the bodies beyond recognition.
Aragorn- That was careless!
Eomer- I am sorry. Here have two horses, name them after your friends and then we’ll be even.
Aragorn- HORSIES!!!
Eomer- ……Bye!

A Bit Later

(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli ride to a large pile of burnt Uber-Orc bodies)
Legolas- A pile of burnt Uber-Orc bodies!
Aragorn- It smells worse then me!
Legolas- Don’t be so sure.
(Gimli dive’s head first into pile)
Gimli- I found something!
(He pulls out a wee belt)
Legolas- It must be one of their wee belts.
(Aragorn kicks helmet and melodramatically drops to his knees and shacks fists at dead Uber-Orcs)
Aragorn- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Legolas- Was that necessary, Aragorn?
Aragorn- What? Too much? Well, I thought it was appropriate…..Wait I see hobbit foot prints.
Legolas- They were made by a hobbit!
(They follow the tracks which lead them to the edge of a really creepy forest)
Legolas- The tracks lead into this really creepy forest!
Aragorn- Thanks, eagle eye!
(They see a sign that says ‘Fangorn Forest’)
Legolas- This must be Fangorn Forest!
Gimli- Yo! What madness drove them in there?
Legolas- Well, that’s a stupid question.

Aragorn- Do we have to go in there?
Legolas- Uh-huh!
Aragorn- Aww!

Flash Back to Last Night

Merry- Lets head for that forest!
Pippin- Yeah, you in a forest. That’ll end well.
Smokey The Bear- Only YOU can prevent forest fires!
Merry- What the hell was that?
Pippin- Uh……I didn’t hear anything!
(They go into forest but are followed by an Uber-Orc)
Uber-Orc- *singing* Come out come out wherever you are
Merry- Climb a tree!
(They do. Uber-Orc pulls Merry down)
Uber-Orc- Gotcha!
Merry- Help me Pippin!
Pippin- Sorry dude, you’re on your own.
Merry- HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP MEEEEEEE!!!
Tree- Shut up!
Pippin- Eeeeeek! A talking tree!
(Tree kills Uber-Orc and captures Merry and Pippin)
Tree- I am no tree, little Orc!
Pippin- I am no Orc, big tree!
Merry- Then what are you?
Pippin- A hobbit!
Merry- Not you Pippin, the tree.
Tree- I am an Ent.
Pippin- An ant?
Tree- No, an E-N-T. You can call me Treebeard.
Pippin- If you’re not a tree then why is your name Treebeard instead of Entbeard?
Treebeard- I’M NOT A TREE LITTLE ORC!!!
Merry- We’re NOT Orcs, TREE!
Treebeard- The White Wizard will know!
Pippin- White Wizard?
Merry- Oh, s***
(He throws hobbits in front of the White Wizard)

Dead Marshes

Gollum- Come hobbits. We must go through this swamp.
Sam- See Mr. Frodo? There was a bog nearby!
Frodo- What’s with all the dead people in the water?
Gollum- Never mind that. Just don’t go in the water and you’ll be safe.
(Frodo jumps in water)
Sam- Well, I’m not going after him!
Gollum- Stupid hobbit *pulls Frodo out of water*
Frodo- Why didn’t you save me, Sam?
Sam- ……I…uh….
Frodo- Merry or Pippin would have saved me!
Sam- Too bad you left them to be killed by Uber-Orcs then, huh?
Frodo- Oh….right……

Later

Sam- SNORE
Frodo- *stroking the……. Ring*
Gollum- My precious!
Frodo- What???
Gollum- Master can’t sleep with fat hobbit snoring either?
Frodo- You’re name was Smeagol once!
Gollum- No, it wasn’t!
Frodo- Gandalf said it was.
Gollum- Well, Gandalf’s a senile old fool!
Frodo- True, but he read it in this book *pulls out copy of Fellowship*
Gollum- …Oh wait my name was Smeagol!
Nazgul- SCREECH
Sam- *waking* Black Riders!
Gollum- Wraiths on weird dragon things!
Frodo- Oh, my shoulder…. pale white guys….. NO!
(Sam drags him under a bush)
Gollum- The sun came up awfully fast!
Nazgul- *riding weird dragon thing* SCREECH
Gollum- Wraiths on wings!
Frodo- Must……put…..on…..Ring…..again
(Sam takes Frodo’s hand)
Gollum- How sweet!
Frodo- I’m okay Sam.
(Sam still has Frodo’s hand)
Frodo- Sam, you can let go now *shakes hand free*
Gollum- The Black Gate is very close.

Fangorn Forest

(Gimli licks what appears to be Orc blood)
Gimli- Eww, Orc blood!
Legolas- Why did you lick it?
Aragorn- Look, strange tracks!
(They see a man dressed in white approaching)
Legolas- Someone approaches!
Aragorn- It’s Saruman. When he gets close enough, kill him!
(The man gets close enough and before he has a chance to say ‘good morning’ he falls dead with arrow, sward and axe wounds)
Aragorn- Oop’s! I guess he was just an old man coming to say ‘hello.’
Gimli- My bad!
Legolas- Someone else approaches.
Aragorn- This time it’s definitely gonna be Saruman, so shoot to kill.
(Man approaches. They mean to kill him but he ducks out of the way)
Man- Do you always try kill people before you know there intentions?
Aragorn- *using foot to kick leaves over body of old man* Of course not! Don’t be silly!
Man- Are you looking for hobbits?
Aragorn- Yes, do you have any?
Man- For the right price.
Aragorn- We need two!
Man- Why?
Aragorn- Because we lost two and need to replace them!
Man- I’ll trade you them for your horses!
Aragorn- Our horsies? No deal!
Man- Suit yourself.
(Man leaves)
Legolas- Yet another person approaches. Should I shoot?
Aragorn- Yes!
(Man approaches. They try to kill him, but he also ducks out of the way)
Man- You are looking for two hobbits!
Aragorn- You can’t have my horsy!
Man- …..Uh….OK! They passed this way two days ago. It certainly has taken you enough time to rescuing them!
Aragorn- Who are you?
Man- Gandalf!
Everyone- *gasp*
Aragorn- Gandalf?
Gandalf- That’s right, Gandalf!
Aragorn- You fell!
Gandalf- I got up!
Aragorn- How?
Gandalf- I’m a wizard! I used my magic to slay the Balrog, die then come back to life as…..Gandalf the White!
Everyone- *gasp*
Gandalf- You should’ve seen the look on Pippin’s face. The little smart ass can’t deny I’m a wizard now, HA! But come, we must ride to Edoras.

Gimli- What about the hobbits, G?
Gandalf- They’re safe! I left them with a tree!
Aragorn- A tree?
Gandalf- That’s right, a tree. What else is thick enough to agree to hobbit-sit?
(They exit forest)
Aragorn- (sees white horse) Horsy!
Gandalf- That’s Shadowfax!
Shadowfax- Yes! All bow down to meeee!
(They ride to Edoras)

Meanwhile in another part of Fangorn

Treebeard- Don’t worry hobbits, I’ll keep you safe!
Merry- So…… Gandalf’s back!
Pippin- *rubbing head* With a new staff!
Merry- Why did he keep bringing up magic and looking at you?
Pippin- I don’t know. Maybe he thought I would finally believe he has power.
Merry- Don’t you?
Pippin- I’m not convinced!
Treebeard- We lost the Ent-Wives *sigh*
Merry+Pippin- …..MMMMMM’Kay

Black Gate of Mordor

Gollum- We’re here!
Frodo- It’s closed!
Gollum- Well, duh!
Sam- So we can go home?
(Army of evil men march up to the Gate)
Frodo- Look, it’s opening. Lets go!
Gollum- WAIT! I know another way
Sam- Is it a trap?
Gollum- ……No!
Frodo- Then lead the way!
(He does, they follow)

Outside Edoras

(Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli ride up to city gates)
Gandalf- The king is brainwashed by Saruman.
Aragorn- No, I’m not!
Gandalf- The other king!
Aragorn- I’m the only real king!
Legolas- Technically, you’re not the king yet!
Aragorn- (in whiny Ani Skywalker voice) Someday I will be. I’ll be the greatest king ever!
Gandalf- But it is not this day! This day we ride…..up to the city.
(They do)

Inside Edoras

Eowyn- (to Theoden) Your son is dead. Will you not sign a will naming me as your heir? Will you do nothing?
Theoden- *grunt*
(Eowyn has temper tantrum, runs outside and is sickened by a foul smell. She looks down and sees Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli riding up)
Gandalf- Do not look for welcome here!
Guard#1- Welcome!
Guard#2- Hand over your staff!
(Gandalf hits guard with staff)
Gandalf- I’m a wizard. Let me through!
Aragorn- Trying to break in your new staff, Gandalf?
Gandalf- Oh no, I already did that! Ha ha ha
(They enter. Gandalf beats other guards with staff)
Gandalf- (to Theoden) I release you from the spell!
(Nothing happens)
Gandalf- I RELEASE YOU FROM THE SPELL!
(Nothing happens)
Gandalf- Snap out of it!. *hits Theoden with staff*
(Only thing that happens is Theoden gets a nasty bump on head)
Gandalf- Dammit! Okay, I have an idea (Benny Hinn TV evangelist style) Good people hear today you are about to witNEEEES a miRACLE. This man here (points to Theoden) has been down, but NOW thorough JEEESUS he will be lifted UP. Can I get a HALLELUJAH?
Audience- Hallelujah!
Gandalf- He will be HEALED *walks to Theoden and put hands on head* Demons LEEEEAVE this man. *hit’s Theoden with staff again*
Theoden- I’m healed! HALLELUJAH!
Audience- HALLELUUUUUUUUJAH!
Gandalf- If you BELIEVE you can sucCEEEEEED *hit’s Theoden on forehead with palm of hand*
Theoden- OW! That’s where you hit me with your staff.
Gandalf- Shh! You’re supposed to fall back and go to sleep
Theoden- But I just got better. I don’t wanna to sleep!
Gandalf- GO TO SLEEP! *hit’s Theoden with staff again*….Just play along!
Theoden- OK! *falls back. Eowyn and unimportant person lay him on the floor*
Gandalf- See I have power?

Later

Theoden- *waking* What happened?
Gandalf- I healed you!
Theoden- Riiiiiight!
Gandalf- Grima Wormtongue is Saruman’s minion!
Wormtongue- So?
Theoden- Well, we better send him back to Isengard so he can give Saruman all our secrets
(They do)
Theoden- Where’s my son?
Eowyn- Dead!
Theoden- Where’s my nephew?
Eowyn- Banished!
Theoden- Is there no one left?
Eowyn- Me!
Theoden- *grunt*

Even Later

Gandalf- Saruman’s armies are destroying everything!
Aragorn- You must fight !
Theoden- Are you king yet?
Aragorn- ……No! *sulk*
Theoden- Then don’t give me orders. We do what I say round here.
Gandalf- And what do you say?
Theoden- Flee they city! Hide out in the great fortress of Helm’s Deep!
Legolas- A diversion
Theoden- No, a trap!

Later Still

Gandalf- Well, I’m outta here.
Aragorn- But we’re headed for battle!
Gandalf- Exactly!
Legolas- You’re running away!
Gandalf- That’s what I do!
Gimli- Yeah, my father taught me a saying he made up during the events in The Hobbit. ‘When the going gets tough, Gandalf gets going!’
Gandalf- That’s my motto
Aragorn- This sucks. It was your idea to come here in the first place, now you get to leave while I have to fight a war. *pout*
Gandalf- Oh, what a noble king you shall make Aragorn. But don’t fret. I’ll be back
Aragorn- When?
Gandalf- When the battles almost over
Aragorn- What if you’re back before that?
Gandalf- I wont be
Aragorn- What if you are?
Gandalf- …….I wont be!
(He leaves)

Later

(Everyone in Edoras is packing up)
Eowyn- Cool sward *swish*
Random Man- AUGH! My arm
Aragorn- You shouldn’t play with swards.
Eowyn- Why? Because I’m a woman? You think you’re better then me, man?
Aragorn- No, it’s just that you hurt that random man-
Eowyn- Oh sure, because it was a man, but if he was a woman then you wouldn’t care right?
Aragorn- Uh……
Eowyn- I fear nothing!
Aragorn- What do you fear my lady?
Eowyn- A cage!!
Aragorn- ???
Eowyn- Uncle locked me in a cage as a child. But did he lock the boys up? NOOO!
Theoden- I locked you up because you kept sneaking up on people, hitting them over the head with a 4×4, then dancing naked around their unconscious bodies yelling ‘I am no man.’ I had to do something!
Eowyn- Curse that blasted wizard for coming here and ruining all my plans!
Aragorn- What plans?
Eowyn- To be queen!
Aragorn- I do not think that will be your fate.
Eowyn- We will see!
(Everyone leaves)

Isengard

(Wormtongue tells Saruman all Theoden’s secrets)
Saruman- Really? How interesting!
(Saruman sends small army to attack people on their way to Helm’s Deep)

Ithilien

Gollum- I want fishy!
Sam- You smell like a fishy
Frodo- Why do you do that?
Sam- Do what?
Frodo- Keep talking about smells? It’s really annoying!
Sam- Oh, that’s just the Ring talking!
Frodo- No, it’s not!!
Sam- I’ve seen you Mr. Frodo. You’re always stroking it when you think I’m not looking.
Frodo- Aren’t you always looking, Sam?

Sam- You can’t take your eyes off it!
Frodo- Jealous?

Later

Sam- SNORE
Frodo- snore
Gollum- (arguing with his good side Smeagol) No, it wasn’t!
Smeagol- Yes, it was!
Gollum- You’re crazy!
Smeagol- I’m still right!
Gollum- No, you’re not!
Smeagol- You really think Episode 2 was better then Episode 1?
Gollum- It was!
Smeagol- Was not!
Gollum- Was too! At least E2 had less of that annoying CGI character.
Smeagol- I’m an annoying CGI character! Boo-hoo! I hate you! Go away!
(Gollum goes away)
Smeagol- YAY!

Next Day

Frodo- Where’s Gollum?
Sam- Probably out plotting our deaths.
(Gollum comes back)
Gollum- You can call me Smeagol now!
(What?)
Gollum- I’m Smeagol now, not Gollum!
(Stop taking to me!………….. FINE!)
Smeagol- Thanks!
(Smeagol comes back and drops two dead bunnies on Frodo’s lap)
Frodo- (girlish high pitched scream) AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
Sam- What is it Mr. Frodo?
Frodo- AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! GET’EM OFF!!!
Smeagol- (removing bunnies) What’s up with that?
Sam- He’s terrified of bunnies!
Smeagol- *holding up bunny* Really? How’s he feel about spiders then?
(Sam hits Smeagol with frying pan)
Smeagol- Hey, I didn’t know!
Frodo- *getting up* I need some fresh air. I’ll be back!
(Frodo once again wonders off on his own into strange probably dangerous woods)
Sam- I’ll make bunny stew!
Smeagol- I wanna eat’em raw!
Sam- Well, I’m cookin’em!
Smeagol- But I caught them, they’re mine!
Sam- Don’t make me have to bore you to death with stories of me old Gaffer’s sayings.
Smeagol- Cook them then, it’s not like you’ll get to eat anyway.
Dead Bunnies- Huh? We died for nothing *sulk*
Sam- Where’s Frodo?
Smeagol- He went for fresh air.
Sam- But we’re outside!
(They go to find Frodo. He’s hiding under a hedge just around the corner)
Sam- That was easy!
Frodo- Look!
(Evil looking men pass)
Sam- Who are they?
Smeagol- Evil men!
Sam- Where are they going?
Smeagol- Where do you think?
(Other men start killing evil men)
Frodo- We’ve lingered here too long.
Sam- I just got here!
Frodo- Let’s go!
Sam- Lookie, an oliphaunt!
Smeagol- A relative, Sam?
Sam- No one at home will believe this.
Frodo- That’s because you’ve said you’ve seen one once a week for the past ten years!
Sam- I thought I had!
(Smeagol slips away while the hobbits aren’t looking)
Frodo- Whatever. Lets go!
(They go. Frodo runs into a man. The man doesn’t notice)
Man- La la la
Frodo- HELLO!
Man- Huh? *noticing he picks Frodo up and throws him down*
Sam- HA HA HA!
(Other men come. They pick up Sam and throw him to the ground)
Sam- HOW RUDE!
Man- Put’em in a sack and take’em with us!
Frodo- Maybe I shouldn’t have let him know I was there.
Sam- Yeah, that would’ve have been smart!

Walk to Helm’s Deep

Everyone- La la la
Aragorn- (has daydream about Arwen)
Eowyn- (to Aragorn) Why are you smiling?
Aragorn- No reason!
Eowyn- So you’re a king, huh?
Aragorn- (ignoring her has another daydream about Arwen)
(5 minutes later)
Eowyn- My lord?
Aragorn- What? Oh yeah, me king of the world.
(Up ahead. Legolas is standing on a rock looking paranoid again)
Random Man- La la la
(Orcs riding wargs (part wolf, part bear, part hyena thing) appear out of nowhere)
Warg- Grrrrr
Random Man- Oh shi-
(Warg eats random man)
Legolas- Eeeeeek! WARGS!
Everyone- WARGS? What the hell is a warg?
Theoden- Eowyn you must take the useless people to Helm’s Deep alone.
Eowyn- What if this is just a trap to separate the men from the women and children? There will be nobody to protect us.
Theoden- I didn’t think about that. Oh well, I’m sure it will be fine.
(Women and children leave. Men fight)
Legolas- Look what I can do! *shows off*
Gimli- Look what I can do! *tries to show off but fails and is trapped under a warg the entire battle*
Aragorn- I’m the sexiest guy here!
*Kills Orc*
Aragorn- I’m the most popular guy here!
*Kills Orc*
Aragorn- I’m the best fighter here!
*Kills Orc*
Aragorn- I’m the only real king here!
*Tries to kill Orc, but is run down by warg and falls over cliff into water with lots of super sharp rocks. (Sure it doesn’t happen in the book and is completely pointless, but it makes for another dramatic entrance later) Battle’s over*
Legolas- *pulling Gimli out from under warg* Where’s Aragorn?
Gimli- I don’t know .
Orc- He’s dead!
Legolas- Hey, unless we see a body we don’t say people have died in this movie. We say they ‘fell’
Orc- Oh, sorry. He fell then.
Legolas- NO! You lie!
Orc- I resent that. Just because I’m an Orc everybody assumes the worst in me. I’ll have you know that while I may be an evil, cannibalistic, murderous being I happen to have never told a lie!
Legolas- Is that a lie?
Orc- NO!
Legolas- Oh, sorry then.
Orc- It’s cool. Just try to keep and open mind from now on. You too, dwarf!
Gimli- Nobody gives advice to a dwarf *kills Orc*
Theoden- Where’s the whiny one?
Legolas- Down there *points over cliff*
Theoden- But he was a king, sorta.
Gilmi- Yep!
Theoden- Kings can’t die!
Legolas- They cant?
Theoden- That’s what I was told.
Gimli- Who told you that?
Theoden- My father!
Gimli- Was he a king?
Theoden- Yes!
Gimli- Where is he now?
Theoden- …….Uh…..dead!
Gimli- See?
Theoden- …….Well, lets go!
Legolas- …..Uh…. I was only going because Aragorn wanted too, but he fell so I don’t really see any reason to stick around.
Gimli- Me either!
Theoden- You can’t bail now.
Legolas- Why not?
Theoden- It’s in the book!
Gimli- Since when does that matter?

Helms Deep

Eowyn- Look, Helms Deep!
Useless People- This is it?
Eowyn- What were you expecting?
Useless Person #1- Something more impressive.
Useless Person #2- Yeah, I thought it was supposed to a ‘great fortress’ or something!

Later

King’s Servant- Look my liege!
Theoden- Helms Deep!
Gimli- Helm’s Deep!
Legolas- Helm’s Deep!
King’s Servant- It’s only a model!
Theoden- Shh! Soldiers I bid you welcome to the fortress. Let us ride to Helm’s Deep.
King’s Servant- Long have I desired to look upon Helm’s Deep. The Deeping Wall. The Hornburg. The horn of Helm Hammerhand-
Theodon- No, on second thought lets not go to Helm’s Deep. ‘Tis a silly place!
King’s Servant- Uh….sir…..
Theoden- Wait. Helm’s Deep will protect us. Though the names are silly no army has ever breached the Deeping Wall or set foot inside the Hornburg
Legolas- Huh?
Gimli- What’s a Hornburg?
(They enter fort)
Eowyn- Where’s the king?
Theoden- I’m here!
Eowyn- Not you, the real king. The one who can make me queen of the world.
Gimli- He fell!
Eowyn- *gasp* He’s dead!
Legolas- No! He fell….over a cliff ya-know *uses hands to act out someone falling over a cliff*
Eowyn- Damn!….Hey you’re an elf prince aren’t you?
Legolas- ……………..Uh
Theoden- Prepare for WAR people!

Isengard

(Wormtongue shows Saruman blue prints to Helm’s Deep)
Saruman- All I need to do is blow-up the wall. Some C4 should do it.
Wormtongue- Even if it does zit would take an army of 10,000 to win.
(Saruman shows Wormtongue army of 10,000 Uber-Orcs)
Wormtongue- Zou’d think I would have zeen and army zat size when I got here.
(Saruman gives Uber-Orcs pep talk)
Saruman- Kill everything! Mwa-ha-ha-ha

Fangorn Forest

Pippin- Look, smoke!
Merry- I didn’t do it!
Treebeard- It’s coming from Isengard.
Merry- Isengard?
Treebeard- That’s right, Isengard!
Pippin- Look, huge army of Uber-Orcs off to kill our friends!
Army of Uber-Orcs- (off in the distance) Oh-eee-oh-ooooooh

River

(Somehow Aragorn avoided hitting all the super sharp rocks and has washed up on shore. He has another wet dream about Arwen and wake’s up to find he’s making out with a horse that has conveniently found him. He rides toward Helm’s Deep to make an awe inspiring entrance)

Rivendell

Elrond- (to Arwen) Packed yet?
Arwen- I don’t want to go now.
Elrond- (frustrated) Make up your mind!
Arwen- I’m gonna wait for him.
Elrond- Wait for who?
Arwen- Aragorn, daddy.
Elrond- Oh, him. He’s not coming back for you. I foresaw a blond shieldmaiden in his future.
Arwen- What? I’m getting dumped for some female transvestite?
Elrond- You should leave for Valinor now. It’ll look like you dumped him.
Arwen- I will. Thanks daddy. You always say the right thing.
(She leaves)
Elrond – That was easy. I didn’t even have to use my depressing speech and make her cry.
Galadriel- (telepathically) Yes, yes, good work, Agent Smith!
Elrond- AUGH! Stop doing that, elf-witch!
Galadriel- Isn’t that a cookie? Whatever, shut up and listen to me. Sauron will use Saruman’s army to destroy the people of Rohan-
Elrond- *yawn* I know!
Galadriel- Shh! Where was I? Oh, yes, the Ring is working hard to find it’s way back into the hands of men-
Elrond- Men are weak!
Galadriel- Shut up! The strength of the Ring-bearer is failing. In his heart Frodo’s begins to understand, the quest will clam his life!
Elrond- Huh? No, it doesn’t!
Galadriel- Yes it does. I have foreseen it
Elrond- I haven’t!
Galadriel- That’s because you’re a half breed. You don’t have all the elven wisdom I have.
Elrond- Whatever!
Galadriel- Sauron will stop at nothing until he rules the world.
Elrond- Well, at least he has goals!
Galadriel- Do we leave Middle Earth to it’s fate? Do you let them stand alone?
Elrond- Yeah! It’s not our problem.

Henneth Annun

(Frodo and Sam are carried into a cave and let out of the sack. A man with a rather large nose approaches)
Man- My name is Faramir. Are you Orcs?
Sam-……Uh…..no!
Faramir- Well, sometimes it’s hard to see past my big nose.
Sam- I understand. My cousin has a huge nose. Folk call her ‘Gonzo.’
Faramir- *sniffle* That’s what they call me!
Frodo- Um……Can we continue please?
Faramir- Right. So what happened to the annoying CGI guy?
Frodo- There was no other. Just me and tubby here. Nope. Nobody else. Nada-
Faramir- OK! So, who are you?
Frodo- My name is Frodo Baggins and this is Samunwise Gumjew.
Sam- Samwise Gamgee!
Frodo- Right. We are hobbit’s from the Shire. We set out from Rivendell with seven others. We lost the old guy in Moria.
Faramir- That was careless.
Frodo- Huh? Oh, no. We didn’t lose him as in misplaced. I mean he fell!
Faramir- Oh, I’m sorry. Did he hurt himself? Old people sometimes break a hip when they fall.
Frodo- He FELL off a bridge into a black abyss….chasm….thing.
Faramir- I see……. Please continue.
Frodo- Two were my kin.
Faramir- Hobbits?
Frodo- No, elves. What the do you think? A dwarf there was also and an elf. And two men.
Faramir- Two?
Frodo- YES! Aragorn son of Ara-whoever and Boromir of Gondor.
Faramir- Boromir? You were friends of his?
Frodo- Well….
Sam- NO!
Frodo- For my part.
Faramir- It will make you cry to learn that he is dead then.
Sam- Not really!
Frodo- Who? What? When? Where? How? Why?
Faramir- As one of ‘friends’ I had hoped you would tell me.
Frodo- He was alive and kickin when last I saw.
Faramir- Well, he ain’t no more. I saw his somewhat decomposed body in a boat floating down the Great River. He was missing his wrist-guard things too!
Frodo- (crying) If he’s dead then for some reason I have to assume that ALL of my companions are dead.
Sam- Why?
Frodo- *crying* It’s all my fault. Oh, woe is me. WOE IS ME! (breaks down)
Faramir- Uh….some of your companions had to have survived in order to steal Boromir’s wrist-guards, dump his body in a boat and float it down the river.
Frodo- *composing himself* Oh, yeah!
Faramir- You’re not the brightest hobbit in the Shire are you Mr. Baggins?
Frodo- Hey! Well, at least everyone’s alive. Besides Boromir that is.
Faramir- Well, I wouldn’t go that far. Some of the big one’s survived for sure, but your kin were more then likely slain!
Frodo- Boo-hoo!
Sam- *happy* Or captured by Uber-Orcs to be taken to their master and curly tortured
Frodo- *crying* It’s all my fault
Faramir- Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not your fault.
Sam- Well, he did leave his cousins to be eaten by Uber-Orcs.
Frodo- Boo-hoo!
Faramir- Oh….Boromir was my brother (starts crying too) Boo-hoo!
Sam- Aww crap!

Later

(Faramir sits alone reflecting on the good time’s he had with Boromir. Man enters)
Man- We found the annoying CGI guy.
(Faramir goes to wake Frodo)
Sam- SNORE
Frodo- snore
Faramir- Frodo, wake up!
Frodo- snore
(Faramir gets closer to Frodo’s face)
Faramir- Froooodo!
Frodo- snore
Sam- SNORE
(Faramir gets even closer)
Faramir- Frodo. You look so cute when you sleep. Like a little bunny!
Frodo- *mumble* Not the bunny. NO! *wakes up to find Faramir standing over him. A little too close* AAAHHHH! What are you doing?
Faramir- Watching you sleep!
Sam- SNORE
Frodo- ……..Uh……
Faramir- Come with me. I have something to show you.
Frodo- I’d rather not! *hit’s Sam*
Sam- SNORE
Faramir- You have no choice.
Frodo- What is it you want to show me? *hit’s Sam harder*
Sam- SNORE
Faramir- You’ll see. Now come on. Let your friend sleep.
Frodo- Fine! *gets up and kicks Sam really hard*
Sam- SNORE
(Faramir leads Frodo down a passage way and then outside. Looking around Frodo sees a waterfall pouring into a pool down below)
Frodo- Yeah it’s nice and all, but I’d really like to be sleeping.
(Faramir points to a rock in the middle of the pool. Upon it sits none other then………one of the Budweiser frogs)
Budweiser Frog- Bud……Bud……Bud……Bud!
Faramir- Shall I shoot?
Bud Frog- *changing places* Wise…….Wise……..Wise…….Wise!
Frodo- Yes, shoot it! Don’t let it finish, please. Kill it now!
Bud Frog- *changing places again. Faramir’s man shoots frog*…OW! *dies*
Frodo- Thanks! *sees something else down by rock* Hey, what’s that?
Faramir- Could be that damn Taco Bell dog.
Frodo- No wait, its Gollum!
Faramir- Gollum?
Frodo- That’s right, Gollum.
Faramir- Who’s Gollum?
Frodo- The annoying CGI guy. He’s our guide!
Faramir- You lied to me?
Frodo- Yeah……sorry.
Faramir- That hurts *sniffle*
Frodo- Let me go get him.
Faramir- *sniffle* Fine! Whatever!
(Frodo goes down to Gollum)
Frodo- Gollum!
Gollum- SMEAGOL!!!!
Frodo- Smeagol. Follow me
Smeagol- We must go now?
Frodo- Yes, come on!
Smeagol- But we just caught fishy. We are hungry and needs to eat
Frodo- I don’t care. Come on. You have to TRUST me.
Smeagol- TRUST you? OK! Nice master wouldn’t let anything bad happen to poor hungry Smeagol.
Frodo- Of course not
(Smeagol follows Frodo)
Man- *jumping out from behind rock and grabbing Smeagol* Gotcha!
Smeagol- AAAHHHH! Master tricks us!
(Bad master)
Frodo- Well…
(Men take Smeagol and Frodo back to cave. Smeagol is taken into a back room for questioning)
Faramir- Where are you leading them?
Smeagol- *with really bright light pointed at him* I’ll never tell!
Faramir- Didn’t think so.
Gollum- Smeagol. Why does it cry, Smeagol?
Smeagol- Master tricksed us.
Gollum- I told you he would!
Smeagol- No, you didn’t. We spent the hole scene arguing over which Star Wars was better and ran out of time.
Gollum- Oh yeah! Well, I meant to tell you that master is tricksy and false.
Smeagol- It’s a little late now!
Gollum- Well, you told Gollum to go away and we didn’t have time to tell you. It’s your fault. And worse yet, they want us to spoil master’s secret even though in the book fat hobbit does!
Faramir- *listening* What secret?
Gollum- You know? *wink*
Faramir- No!
Gollum- Come on. It’s so obvious.
Faramir- What is?
Gollum- Think about it. The way master and fat hobbit act. Don’t you find something odd about it? *wink wink*
Faramir- You mean?
Gollum- Yep!
Faramir- That explains the funny feeling I get when I’m near them.
Gollum- Stupid master!
Smeagol- Yeah, stupid master. We hates him!
Faramir- I guess you cant always tell by looking at someone.
(Faramir goes to talk to Fordo and Sam)
Faramir- I know your secret!
Frodo- What secret? We don’t have a secret. Do we Sammy? Nope. No secrets here. Just two normal guys!
Sam- Hobbits!
Frodo- Hobbits! We have nothing to hide. Nope. Nada!
Faramir- Why should I believe you? You lied to me before.
Frodo- Hey, I apologized for that. If you can’t forgive and move on this relationship will never work. Come on Sam, lets go!
Faramir- Hold it!
Frodo- *sigh* That never works!
Faramir- Here in the wild I have you. Two halflings and a host of men at my call.
Frodo- I don’t think I like where this is going.
Faramir- I know your secret! *wink*
Frodo-……Um…..What secret would that be again?
Faramir- You have the One Ring!
Frodo- Whew! Thought that’s the one you meant.
Faramir- You have another secret?
Frodo+Sam- NO!
Faramir- …..Riiight! Anyway, my dads always riding my ass because I’m ‘not as good as precious Boromir,’ so I think I’ll take the Ring to him. Buy his love with evil tacky gold jewelry.
Frodo- *sigh*
(Man enters)
Man- Captain, Osgiliath is under attack.
Faramir- (to man) Then we must go. Pack up. *man leaves*
Sam- You can’t have the Ring!
Faramir- Why not?
Sam- We gotta destroy it. That’s where we’re going, to Mt. DOOM
.
Faramir- *gasp*……..Nope, the Ring will go to Gondor!
Frodo+Sam- Damn!

Continued…

!!pagebreak!!


Things That Were, Things That Are, And Some Things That Should Have Been!


The Two Towers

A Parody by Lyekka

Part Two

Meanwhile

(Aragorn is still riding to Helm’s Deep. He sees Saruman’s army of Uber-Orcs)
Uber-Orcs- Oh-eeee-oh-ooooh
Aragorn- Oh s***
(Rides even faster to Helm’s Deep. Finally gets there. Enters fortress)
Aragorn- Hey everybody, I’m alive.
Everybody- *grunt*
Gimli- You smell worse then before. How is that possible?
Aragorn- Gimli, where is Theoden?
Gimli- Up in the Keep, crying over the loss of you.
Aragorn- (flattered) Really?
Gimli- NO! Ha ha ha
Aragorn- Stupid dwarf!
(Aragorn starts walking towards Keep)
Legolas- *jumping out* BOO!
Aragorn- AUGH
Legolas- It’s just me, smelly man.
Aragron- Stupid elf!
Legolas- Hey! Amin feuya ten’lle
Aragorn- What? Hey, I’m supposed to speak elvish.
(Hee hee hee)
Aragorn- It’s not funny.
Legolas- Hey Aragorn, Lle naa haran e’ nausalle.
Aragorn- What does that mean, Legolas?
Legolas- Ohhh nothing, Aragorn. Hee hee hee
Aragorn- Curses!
(Aragorn pushes Legolas out of the way and continues to the Keep. He gets to the doors)
Aragorn- Time for MY dramatic entrance.
(He pushes the doors open and bursts in)
Theoden- (naked) AAAAHHHHH
Aragorn- Ewww!
Theoden- *covering himself* Don’t you knock?
Aragorn- I was TRYING to make a dramatic entrance. What were you doing anyway?
Theoden- Never mind that. I thought you die- uh… fell.
Aragorn- I’m a king and king’s can’t die.
Theoden- That’s what I said.

Later

Aragorn- A great host of Uber-Orcs are headed this way.
Theoden- A great host you say?
Aragorn- Yes, a great host.
Theoden- So not a small host, a great host?
Aragorn- All Isengard is empty.
Theoden- You went to Isengard?
Aragorn- Well, no…
Theoden- So how do you know all Isengard is empty?
Aragorn- I just assumed.
Theoden- Like you’re assuming a great host of Uber-Orcs are headed this way?
Aragorn- No, I saw the Uber-Orcs.
Theoden- How many?
Aragorn- I didn’t stop for a head count.
Theoden- How many would you estimate?
Aragorn- …..Bout 10,000.
Theoden- 10,000?
Aragorn- That’s right, 10,000.
Theoden- You sure?
Aragorn- YES!
Theoden- *sigh* Let them co-
Aragorn- *interrupting* They are.
Theoden- Shut up! That was supposed to be my dramatic moment.
Aragorn- Well, mine got ruined so why should you get yours?

Fangorn

Treebeard- Something is about to happen that has not happened for an age.
Merry- You’ll stop talking?
Treebeard- No, Entmoot.
Merry- Whats that?
Treebeard- ‘Tis a gathering.
Merry- A gathering of what?
Treebeard- Stop acting like a fool (hits Merry with branch) Really! ‘A gathering of what’ What do you think?
Pippin- Ents.
Treebeard- That’s right.
Pippin- No look, Ents are coming.
Treebeard- Ents haven’t done that since the Ent-Wives left.
Merry+Pippin- EWWWWWW!
Pippin- No, I mean I see Ents approaching.
Treebeard- Oh…
(Ents approach and Entmoot begins)

Helm’s Deep

Theoden- Move all the useless people into the caves. I want every young lad abducted from the arms of their crying mothers and made ready for WAR.
(They are)

Later

(All the useful people are in the armory. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are in the corner making fun of people)
Aragorn- (points at one eyed man) Oh, that guy’s gonna die for sure.
Legolas+Gimli- Ha ha ha
Aragorn- These are no soldiers.
Gimli- Not like us. *proud pose*
Legolas- The little babies are scared too.
Everyone- *stops and glares at elf*
Legolas- ……Uh…….Amin n’rangwa edanea.
Aragorn- Stop it! You know I don’t understand you.
Legolas- Amin delotha lle.
Aragorn- LEGOLAS!!!!
Legolas- They’re ALL going to DIE!!!
Aragorn- THEN I SHALL TAKE OFF RUNNING THEN…….I mean, THEN I SHALL DIE AS ONE OF THEM! *dramatically exits* YAY, I finally got my dramatic moment. Top that Gandalf.

Meanwhile up in the Keep

King’s Servant- Everything is ready.
Theoden- Who am I?
King’s Servant- ….Uh…*seeing an opportunity* You’re my servant, now bow down to me you senile old fool.
Theoden- WHAT? You ungrateful peasant. That was a rhetorical question.
King’s Servant- Yes, of course sir. I was only joking sir. To…uh…lighten the mood sir.
Theoden- Well, your little joke just ruined my dramatic speech. I bet that Aragorn had something to do with this.
King’s Servant- *dressing king* We can try it again sir. Ask the question and I’ll just read from the script.
Theoden- No, no, it’s too late. Now when you finish dressing me go lock yourself up in the dungeon for that little ‘joke’ you pulled.
King’s Servant- Yes sir. Right away sir.

Later

(Aragorn dresses himself in his trademark dirty, smelly, black leather rags while the theme to Batman the original television show plays in the background. Legolas enters)
Legolas- Forgive me. I should not make fun of you in elvish just because you don’t understand.
Aragorn- It’s okay Legolas. Wait, you were making fun of me?
Legolas- Oop’s…..uh….I was also wrong to despair.
Aragorn- It’s okay, I understand. You’re an immortal elvish princeling and you’re probably going to die here in a stone fortress, fighting another’s fight. You’ll never wander the power’s of Mirkwood again. You’ll never walk Fangorn or see those stupid cave’s the dwarf will ramble on about. You’ll never see me crowned king of the world. And you’ll NEVER see the sea. NEVER feel it’s serene call. Never see the gulls. OR the-
Legolas- SHUT UP!!! I GET IT!!! *puts fingers in pointy ears* LA LA LA LA
Aragorn- Sorry, got carried away. I do that sometimes.
Legolas- And what makes you think I’ll die and you’ll live?
Aragorn- I’m king.
Legolas- I’m a prince.
Aragorn- But unlike you, I’ll actually have a chance to rule.
Legolas- That doesn’t matter.
(Gimli enters)
Gimli- Lovers make up yet?
Aragorn+Legolas- Yes!
Gimli- Good, now one of you needs to help me undress. I haven’t changed in over eight years and my mail-shirt seems to be stuck between some fat.
Aragorn- Not it!
Legolas- Not it……damn!
(Just then an elven horn can be heard blowing from outside the fortress)
Aragorn- An elven horn.
Legolas- That is no Orc horn.
Aragorn- I didn’t say it was.
Legolas-…….Uh….let’s go greet them. *runs out of room. Aragorn follows*
Gimli- Hey, what about me? *runs after them……What else is he going to do?*
(They reach the gate. A small host of elves enter led by a familiar looking elf in desperate need of a tweeze)
Aragorn- HALDIR!
Haldir- ARAGORN!
Legolas- HALDIR!
Haldir- LEGGY!
Gilmi- *grunt* More elves.
Haldir- (to Aragorn and Legolas) I thought you were going to push the dwarf out of the boat into the Great River.
Gimli- WHAT???
Aragorn- Ix-nay on the drowned dwarf’a.
Haldir- So sorry.
Aragorn- It’s cool. He’ll forget later. He’s been a little off since Gandalf hit him back in Moria.
Gimli- We went to Moria?
Aragorn- See? So, what are you doing here, Haldir?
Haldir- I bring word from Elrond of Rivendell.
Aragorn- What does he say?
Haldir- He say’s, ‘Men are weak!’
Aragorn- …….That’s it?
Haldir- No, there’s more. He say’s, ‘Even if you survive this war and Sauron is defeated and you made king and all that you hope for comes true, you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by the sword of the slow decay of time, you will die.’
Aragorn- ….Uh-huh….Is that it?
Haldir- No, I’m supposed to laugh and taunt you for ‘being a weak, smelly and mortal man.’
Aragorn- Can we skip that part?
Haldir- I think that would be best.
Aragorn- Was there no other message?
Haldir- Not from Elrond.
Aragorn- From who?
Haldir- My lord Celeborn.
Aragorn- What does he want?
Haldir- He asks, ‘Why does everybody think I’m a nonentity?’
Aragorn- He has to ask?
Haldir- He’s been asking everybody lately.
Aragorn- Was that it?
Haldir- No, Galadriel sends this message, ‘Hello remaining members of the Fellowship. How are you doing? I know how you’re doing. Here are some elves to aid you in your little battle. I wasn’t going to send any at first, but then that half-breed son-in-law of mine said I shouldn’t so naturally I did. These elves aren’t important enough to have names, so therefore expendable. Feel free to use them however you wish. They make great shields I’m told. As you can see I sent Haldir with them. Those eyebrows were starting to get on my nerves. You’ll notice he’s the only one without a helmet. We couldn’t find one that would fit his oddly shaped head. Don’t worry about finding him one. It wouldn’t be that big of a loss if he died. Well, good luck. Much love, Galadriel’
Aragorn- She seems……different.
Haldir- One of the hobbit’s forgot their pouch of ‘pipeweed’ and she decided to smoke it all at once. She’s been…different ever since.
Aragorn- I should have guessed. I’ve often said that one cannot smoke hobbitweed without being temporarily changed.
Legolas- You’ve never said that.
Aragorn- Shh! Is that every message?
Haldir- Just one more.
Aragorn- *sigh* From?
Haldir- The lady Arwen.
Aragorn- Arwen?
Haldir- That’s right, Arwen. She say’s ‘If you love me you will lose this war for me.’
Aragorn- WHAT???
Haldir- She wants you to prove your love by losing.
Aragorn- I-WILL-NOT-LOSE!
Haldir- Than you do not love her.
Aragorn- Is she serious?
Haldir- NO! Ha ha ha
Aragorn- Stupid elf!
Haldir- She did yell something about a ‘skanky shieldmaiden’ but I couldn’t make out the rest.
Aragorn- That’s okay. Come lets prepare for battle.
Haldir- Hey, you’re not going to use me as a shield are you?
Aragorn- Would I kill a defenseless old man wondering Fangorn alone?
Haldir- I don’t know?
Aragorn- We’ll see.

Later

(The great host of Uber-Orcs reach the valley below Helm’s Deep. Everyone is standing on fortress wall waiting for Orcs to hurry up and get there)
Gimli- (cant see over wall) I cant see anything.
Legolas- I can see everything with my super, pretty, and occasionally blue elvish eyes.
(Aragorn enters)
Aragorn- Why don’t you have on a helmet, Legolas?
Legolas- Because then nobody would see how pretty I am.
(Storm comes)
Thunder- *BOOM*
Lighting- *FLASH*
Legolas- I think it might rain.
Aragorn- Your powers of observation stun me.
Legolas- Your friends are with you, Aragorn.
Aragorn- I don’t have any friends. Just people who wanna use me because I’m the king and can really kick ass in a fight. *sulk*
Lighting- *FLASH*
Thunder- *BOOM*
Rain- *POUR*
Uber-Orcs- *march march march*
Useless People In Caves- *yawn*
Uber-Orcs- *march* Whoo-hoo, finally here!
Aragorn- (to anyone who cares) I’M REALLY THE KING!
Uber-Orc On Rock- Grrrrrr
Other Uber-Orcs- *stop*
Useless People In Caves- *yawn*
Gimli- What’s happening out there? Could you describe it to me Leggy?
Legolas- Shall I describe it to you, or would you like to sit on my shoulders?
Gimli- Shoulders, please.
(Legolas puts Gimli on his shoulders)
Gimli- This is nice.
Legolas- Will you braid my hair, Gim’s?
Gimli- *braiding Legolas’s hair* That’s a lot of friggin’ Uber-Orcs.
Uber-Orc On Rock- Let’s get ready to RUUUUUUMBLE!
(Other Uber-Orcs start jumping around and making more noise then those annoying Stomp people. Old man shoots Uber-Orc in the arm with arrow.
(Uber-Orc falls dead. Pissed off Uber-Orcs have no choice but to fight back. They charge and….. so it begins)
Theoden- HEY!
(Sorry, couldn’t help it. Orcs use ladders to get up over the wall. Legolas and Gimli start a barbaric Orc killing competition)

Entmoot

Merry+Pippin- *yawn*
Treebeard- Don’t be hasty.
Merry- Shut up!

Helms Deep

(Still fighting)
Theoden- Is this all you got Saruman?
(Uber-Orcs put C4 in drain)
Olympic Runner Uber-Orc- (with torch) *run run run suicide jump*
Wall- *BOOM*
Theoden- Oop’s!
Uber-Orcs- Whoo-hoo. *continue fighting*

Entmoot

Treebeard- We decided not to do anything.
Merry- Wusses.
Treebeard- Go back to your home.
Merry- But I haven’t proved myself to….myself yet.
Pippin- Maybe we should go home. What are we gonna do? All we’re good for is getting people killed.
Merry- No, that’s all you’re good for.
Pippin- Hey!
Merry- It’s true.
Pippin- I know, but cheap shot.
Merry- I’m gonna do something heroic before the end.
Pippin- Oh, like what? Slay the Witch King or something? HA HA HA
Merry- No, nothing that stupid. I’ll let Gandalf deal with him. He is a ‘powerful wizard’ after all.
Merry+Pippin- HA HA HA HA

Helm’s Deep

(Still fighting)
Aragorn- *gasp*
Legolas- What?
Aragorn- We’re missing tea time.
Legolas- *gasp*
Aragorn- EVERYBODY STOP!
(Everybody stops)
Men- What?
Elves- *brushing hair* Huh?
Uber-Orcs- Grrrrr
Aragorn- WE’RE MISSING TEA TIME!
Elves+Men- *GASP*
Theoden- Good lord, are we really?
Aragorn- EVERYBODY SIT DOWN AND HAVE YOUR TEA AND BISCUITS!
Random Person- Oh, not biscuits again.
Other Random Person- HOW BOUT A NEWTON?
Random Person- NO! A witch turned me into a newt.
Aragorn- A NEWT?
Random Person- Well, I got better.
Other Random Person- I SAID A NEW-TON!
Aragorn- Oh…
(Confused Uber-Orcs stand nearby scratching their butt’s and watch in amazement as everybody sits down to tea and…. whatever they decided to have with tea)

Later

(Battle continues)
Theoden- We’re losing. Let’s hide in the Keep.
Everybody- RUN AWAY!
Aragorn- FLEE!
Man- *using elf as shield* It’s not working! *gets shot* OW! See? *dies*
Aragorn- HALDIR!
Haldir- What? *turns to see what Aragorn wants*
(Uber-Orc stabs Haldir from behind)
Aragorn- *runs to elf* HALDIR!
Haldir- What did you want?
Aragorn- I was gonna tell you that an Uber-Orcs was behind you.
Haldir- Thanks…
Aragon- You fought bravely, just not good enough.
Haldir- Huh?
Aragorn- I do not know what strengh is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the White City fall. Nor our people fail.
Haldir- Wrong death scene.
Aragorn- Oh….uh…..What do I say here?
Haldir- *hands Aragorn copy of The Two Towers* Read.
Aragorn- *flipping through pages* You’re not in here.
Haldir- What?
Aragorn- You’re not here. No elves should be here other then Legolas.
Haldir- WHAT??? Curse that Peter Jackson! *dies*
Aragorn- (to camera) They will look for him and his eyebrows coming from Caras Galadhon, but he will not return. *shurg* Oh, well.
(Aragorn continues to Keep)
Aragorn- I’m here!
Theoden- Good, now go back out.
Aragorn- Why?
Theoden- You need to keep the Uber-Orcs away from the door so I can board it up.
Aragorn- Oh, like a…uh…..you know…What’s the word I’m looking for?
Legolas- (from outside) A diver-
Gimli- A DIVERSION!
Legolas- (from outside) Stupid dwarf!
Theoden- (to Aragorn) Take the dwarf too.
(Aragorn and Gimli slip out side door. Aragorn sees lots of Uber-Orcs outside Gate)
Aragorn- I think Theoden wants us dead.
Gimli- Why?
(Aragorn shows Gimli Uber-Orcs)
Gimli- I can take’em.
Aragorn- I’ll have to toss you.
Gimli- NOBODY TOSSES A DWARF! *starts to jump*
(Aragorn picks Gimli up and throws him at Uber-Orcs)
Gimli- AAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh *thud*
(Aragorn jumps. They fight off Uber-Orcs)
Theoden- (putting last board up) Gimli! Aragorn! Thanks!
Gimli+Aragorn- Let us back in.
Theoden- What’s that? Sorry, can’t hear you. *nails up board*
Gimli+Aragorn- What a jerk!
Legolas- (from above) I’ll save you. (throws down little rope and pulls Aragorn AND Gimli up at the same time all by his pretty self)

Fangorn

Treebeard- I’ll take you west.
Pippin- No, take us south.
Treebeard- But that will lead you to Isengard.
Pippin- Duh!
Treebeard- Perhaps you’re right.
Merry- Right about what?
Pippin- You weren’t paying attention?
Merry- I was busy sulking.
Pippin- We’re going to Isengard.
Merry- YAY! I knew those dead beat Ents were good for something. So what made them change their minds?
Treebeard- The Ents aren’t going.
Merry- Huh?
Pippin- Just you and me, Merry.
Merry- Huh? What? Huh? Will be caught.
Pippin- Probably, but it keeps are characters important to the plot.
Merry- What do you mean ‘keeps’?

Osgiliath

Frodo- The Ring will not save your rundown city. Let me go!
Faramir- I would love nothing more Frodo, but you must understand that I have to read from the script. Even if it makes me out to be an ass.
Frodo- Curse that Peter Jackson!
Faramir- Come, we must hurry.
Frodo- You must let me go.
Sam- What about me?
Frodo- LET ME GO, LET ME GO, LET ME GO, LET ME GO, LET ME GOOOOOOOOO!
Faramir- Do you WANNA go back in the sack?

Edge of Fangorn

Treebeard- ….and then the Ent-wives would climb up sometimes, and they’d tickle me awfully. They were always trying to get somewhere where they shouldn’t-
Pippin- EWWW!
Merry- Look, dead trees!
Treebeard- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Many of these tree’s were my friends.
Merry- Riiight.
Treebeard- SARUMAN! AAAARRRRRRUUUUUGGGG!
Merry- Wha’d you do that for?
Treebeard- Thought I’d let Saruman know I’m pissed.
Merry- Stealthy!
(Other Ents come…..I mean approach and they march to Isengard)

Osgiliath

(Men let Frodo out of sack)
Frodo- …mE GO, LET ME GO, LET ME GO-
Random Man- (to Faramir) What the hell is this and why is it yelling?
Faramir- Never mind.
Frodo- Sam you must create-
Legolas- (from Helms Deep) A diversion!
Frodo- …so I can get away.
Sam- *sigh* Okay, Mr. Frodo. If you say so.
Faramir- Take them to my father.
Sam- You wanna know what happened to Boromir? You wanna know how your brother REALLY died?
Faramir- I thought you weren’t around.
Sam- I wasn’t. But……
Music- Dun dun dun
Sam- …. Mr. Frodo WAS!
Everyone- *gasp* *glare*
Frodo- SAM!
Sam- Well, you said to create a……thing.
Faramir- *sniffle* Did you kill my brother Frodo?
Frodo- NO!
Man- WATCH OUT!
Bolder- *CRASH*
Tower- *CRUMBLE*
(Silence——-)
Frodo- They’re here!
Sam- Eeeeek! The Poltergeist?
Nazgul- SCREECH
Faramir- NAZGUL! HIDE!
Nazgul- SCREECH
(Faramir tells Frodo and Sam to stay put while he runs off leaving the hobbit’s unguarded. They do)

Helms Deep

(It’s the first light of morning and the important people are hiding out in the Keep)
Theoden- It’s over! We lost! Gandalf has forsaken us! Kings can probably die! Bush is president! All my favourite shows keep getting canceled!
*SULK*
Aragorn- Is there a way for the useless people to get out of the caves?
Man- Who cares about them?
Theoden- So much death! So much blood! So much noise! So much cursing! *SULK*
Aragorn- Well, we are at war.
Theoden- What can men do against such ill fortune?
Aragorn- *proud pose* Ride out with me.
Theoden- For noble bravery?
Aragorn- For dramatic effect, for the audience.
Theoden- Yes! YES! YEEEES! The horn of Hamburgerhead shall sound in the Deep. One last time!
Gimli- YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! *excited dwarf goes to blow the….uh….horn*
Theoden- (to Aragorn) Let this be the hour when we test that king dying theory.
(Aragorn strikes another proud pose and raises head in a very soap-operaish moment)
Horses- Neigh
Aragorn- Horsies!
Theoden- They just appeared. Like magic.
Door- *BOOM*
Theoden- LET’S GO KICK SOME-
Horn- *BLOW*
Door- *CRASH*
(With that they ride out to meet their foe, slashing, hacking, plowing as they go. Just then the arrogant neighing of Shadowfax comes from the hill above the fortress)
Aragorn- Gandalf!
Gandalf- (to Eomer) We’ve watched long enough. It’s time we go help.
Eomer- Aww man!
Gandalf- Stay behind me. I must be in the lead. This will truly be my awe inspiring entrance.
Eomer- Whatever just don’t ride too slow old man.
(With the sun dramatically backlighting them, Eomer and his band of not so merry men ride down to battle, Gandalf in the lead)
Aragorn- Curse that Gandalf and his awe inspiring entrances! *shakes fists at Gandalf*
(The stunned Uber-Orcs turn to fight the new comers. Of course everyone else stops fighting too. Though they have the perfect opportunity to kill the enemy being that their looking the other way. More fighting)

Isengard

(Ents knock down wall, kill Orcs and break the dam causing the river to flood the place)

Osgiliath

Nazgul- SCREEEECH
Frodo- (to Nazgul) Hello!
Sam- What are you doing?
Frodo- (to Nazgul) Lookie, what I have. *shows Nazgul Ring*
Nazgul- SCREECH! Stupid hobbit, now the dark lord knows where the Ring’s at.
Frodo- Didn’t think about that.
Nazgul- Neither did Peter Jackson.
Frodo- Curse him! Must…..put…….on……..Ring…
Sam- No you don’t.
(Sam garbs Frodo from behind and they go rolling down stairs. Frodo lands on top of Sam and draws out Sting)
Frodo- I told you to quit grabbing me from behind, Sam.
Sam- I didn’t mean nothin by it, honest. *sniffle*
Frodo- *melodramatically falls back and drops Sting* I cant do this, Sam.
Sam- I know. Its all wrong. By rights we should even be here. But we are.
Frodo- Curse Peter Jackson!
Sam- Its like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The kind they turn into movies. When film makers end up changing a lot of things. And sometimes you didn’t want to see the ending, because how could it end right when so much stuff had been changed. But in the end, it’s only a passing thing. The director, even the screen writers must stay somewhat true to the story. A new scene will come. And when it does it’ll be that much more dramatic. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were to stupid to understand why. But I think Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Those movie makers had lots of chances of making it right only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something.
Frodo- What were they holding on to, Sam?
Sam- That there’s some dignity left in Hollywood, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth destroying.
(Faramir eavesdropping)
Faramir- I hope at last you understand my actions, Frodo Baggins.
Frodo- I know you wanted to let us go in Ithilien like in the book, but the screenwriters wouldn’t let you.
Man- (to Faramir) If you let them go, your life will be forfeit.
Faramir- Oh, what’s daddy dearest gonna do? Burn me alive? Ha ha ha

Helms Deep

(The battle is over. Everyone with a name is alive. Well, except Haldir that is. Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Theoden and Eomer are looking at Mordor in the distance)
Gandalf- The battle for Helm’s Deep is over. The battle for Middle-Earth is about to begin.
Everyone- Aww man!
Theoden- You know, Mordor shouldn’t even be visible from Rohan.
Everyone- Shh!
Gandalf- All our hopes now lie with two small hobbits.

You can read the sequel, “Things That Were, Things That Are, & Some Things That Should Have Been – The Return of the King”, here.