What do you think is the best way to get My Pastor to say ‘My Preciousss’ in the pulpit???
An Anonymous Gollum Addict
Dear An Anonymous Gollum Addict,
Well, getting a Pastor to say “My Preciousss” in the pulpit can be quite a challenge, but for you, I have an easy-to-follow 4-step program.
1) Obtain an object of power (preferably a ring) created by one of the Dark Lords.
2) Give said object of power to your pastor.
3) Leave him alone with object of power for a few thousand years.
4) Retrieve pastor and put him behind the pulpit the next Sunday.
If you follow these four steps, I can almost guarantee that your pastor will utter the words “My Precioussss” (among other things) while preaching. It sometimes helps to take the object of power away from the pastor after retrieving him, however this sometimes does more harm than good, and some pastors have been known to turn on their congregation after having the previously mentioned object of power taken from them.
I have a problem. It appears that I have been partially swallowed by a lion. I wouldn’t mind, only it’s a little dark and kind of smelly… at least I have my laptop!! Any advice on how to get out?
Stuck Inside A Lion
Dear Stuck Inside A Lion,
I think your situation requires a different approach for being head-first or feet-first in the lion’s esophagus. If you were swallowed feet-first, I suggest knocking on the roof of the lion’s mouth and politely asking if he/she would let you wiggle your way out. If you are unable to wiggle sufficiently, suggest that the lion hangs upside down, and let gravity help you wiggle out.
If, however, you have been swallowed head-first, I would use my laptop to electrocute the lion’s stomach, causing an involuntary retching action. Although your laptop will probably be fried by this, your warrantee should cover the situation.
If, by the time you receive this answer, you have been completely swallowed by the aforementioned lion, I would advise letting nature take its course.
I’m stuck in a tough situation. I want to give Orlando some shampoo, but which kind should I get him? Herbal Essences, Tresemme, or Pantene? Any advice?
Dear Shampoo Lover,
When choosing a shampoo for Orlando, you must keep in mind which character of his you want him to be reminded of when he uses it. If Legolas or Paris is your character of choice, Tresemme or any other French-named shampoo would be appropriate. After all, any Prince would only use the best. For “essence of Will”, Herbal Essences is called to mind – a high quality shampoo for impressing the ladies but down-to-earth enough for a working man. To reference his role as Joe Byrne, or his brief appearance in Black Hawk Down, Pantene or a generic brand would suffice. Outlaws and soldiers are too preoccupied with survival to worry about their shampoo.
I wish you luck in your search, and hope Mr. Bloom appreciates your gift.
Haldir often rambles on and on about how PJ killed his character in the Helms Deep scene. He says that not even for his friendship with Aragorn would he have gone to that retched place. I have to listen to him go on about how unfair it was, that he, “being so much more gorgeous than Legolas, should not have had to die, that in fact it should have been the Prince of Mirkwood.” It’s starting to get rather annoying and I want to tell him to just stop already, but I have no idea how to tell him this with how overly sensitive he is. What do I do?
Dear Had-enough Haldir,
From the sounds of it, you are either closely related to or married to Haldir. Being in such close quarters with a sensitive elf can be very trying indeed, and I feel for you. In regards to getting him to stop, there are a couple of methods you can try.
1) Get him a PJ punching bag/archery target and tell him to pretend it’s the real PJ. Attacking a dummy made to look like the person he’s upset at may help Haldir to relieve stress and anger, resulting in less of the complaining you dislike so much. It might help to have one of Legolas, too.
2) Send him to an Eldar Rehabilitation Center. The Protectors of the Plot Continuum have a good counseling center, and they may have ways of helping him through his emotional stress that no-one saner than they would come up with.
3) Tell him how you feel. Sit him down and (kindly) tell him to shut up before you are forced to take drastic measures. It helps to have a dagger to play with while you talk when you use this method.
Best of luck to you,
The latest book given to me to read for school is probably the most boring ever written in the history of Mankind. Any suggestions as to how I can not be quite so bored by it but not flunk the test from skimming or reading Cliff-Notes???
Dear Totally Bored,
In order to escape the complete monotony of a bad book, but not fail tests because of Cliff Notes, you need one of two things:
1) A Magic spell to help you remember everything, even if you don’t really read it, or
2) A cheat sheet
Other than that, your only option is to slog through it. So get hopping! Time’s wasting, and the book isn’t going to read itself! (Unless you happen to have the latest in wizarding student accessories…a book that reads itself and transmits the information to your brain. Available for 70 sickles, see Fred or George Weasley for more information.)
I have recently acquired a Balrog and am keeping it shut up in my basement. However, I don’t really know what to feed it. Any suggestions on the dietary needs of a Balrog?
Master of Moria
Dear Master of Moria,
Congratulations on your new pet! A Balrog is a wonderful pet to have – it will guard your home with ferocity and it’s great for the kids.
As for a Balrog’s dietary needs, different experts will say different things. Dr. Burnt T. Acrisp says that “A healthy Balrog prefers to eat Dwarves and Wizards, although an occasional elf provides motivation for house-breaking”. Miss Runfer Urlives insists that “Only the best Misty Mountain Goblins will suffice for a hungry Balrog”. You may take your pick of any expert’s advice – I have found that Balrogs don’t usually mind what you feed them so long as you feed them.
If your Balrog is of the Mini variety, however, you must adhere to the strict diet regulations of Mini-Balrog expert Miss Cam: “Don’t forget to feed your Mini plenty of bacon and raw eggs, with the occasional fangirl thrown in”. I myself own a Mini-Balrog, Gangee, and he especially likes the fangirls who wear excessive amounts of glitter. I have found, however, that Mini-Balrogs are very unique, and if your Balrog is a Mini, I suggest trying many different brands and varieties of fangirl before settling into a set routine.
Best of luck to you and your Balrog,
I have recently made friends with a community of great, creative, elf-like people, and enjoy hanging out with them– mostly. But they seem rather reserved, as if restrained by some other force; unable to enjoy a good laugh or to create anything light-hearted as elves do in Tolkien’s books.
My friends feel insecure with anything lighthearted. I think it’s because of PJ’s portrayal of elves as somber and solemn in his movies.
Heeeeelp! The Solemnity is STIFLING ME!!!!!
It is a truly sad thing that these elf-like people are so somber. Peter Jackson’s portrayal of the elves has indeed skewed the perspective of many people like your friends, not to mention the Eldar themselves.
I suggest sending them to a PPC counselor. Because they are not strictly elves or canon characters, most of the PPC probably would not bother with them, but I do have one acquaintance who would be (I’m sure) more than happy to help. Agent Scooter is a very kind young lady.
If you don’t have the means to send these friends of yours to counseling, I would find some light-hearted scenes and songs involving elves from The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings and re-enact them. Teach your friends the song the elves of Rivendell sing as Bilbo and the dwarves come into the valley.
I do hope that your friends will find the help they need.
I am going crazy. I mean, I’m stressed out, there are pencils in my hair, and I have never drunk so much coffee in my life! How do I help ease the stress?
Apparently you are beginning to go insane from the stress in your life. My suggestion is to take the pencils out of your hair, and learn a lesson from Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect – It’s a lot easier to go insane then to keep yourself sane.
It’s a lot more fun, too.
Yours in Insanity,