The Art of Sponge Fighting
~by vanyar
~ image by asea_aranion~
Ever since the dawn of time, sponges have existed. They lurk, merciless, at the bottom of every ocean. Then man came along and domesticated these ferocious poriferans, and soon taught their domestic help how to use them. Due to the spongy nature of a sponge, they worked great for cleaning and scrubbing. Impressed with the sponge’s ability to soak up water and soap, man began to search for new uses for the domestic sponge.
Lord Conden Sation II began this era of discovery by attempting to use sponges to hold his beverages at the dinner table. Having noticed a wet substance forming on the outside of his glass, he wished to develop a holder that could soak up the moisture, without leaving any further moisture on his beloved table. Unfortunately, Lord Sation did not remember to rinse and dry out his sponge, causing mildew, and a rather nasty stain on said table. Next to appear in the history pages was William Perspirate, a rather sweaty field worker, who designed a sponge hat to soak up the perspiration while he worked in his master’s field. Unfortunately, the spongy hat only made poor William perspire more, which led to the first documented case of heat stroke. Lastly, came Matilda Foote, a neighbor of William. Inspired by the young lad’s head gear, Matilda fashioned herself some sponge shoes in hopes that the footwear would soak up her embarrassing foot sweat. Matilda’s design was surprisingly flawless, barring the accidental puddle walk-through incident. Unfortunately, Matilda went on Holiday in a boggy area, and was never seen again. Many historians blame her sponge shoes, but no evidence has ever been found.
Depressed after all these faulty designs, the sponge front grew quite for awhile. People became resigned to the idea of using sponges simply as cleaning tools. Then, brilliancy struck through one Sir B. Rillopad. Legend dictates that Sir Rillopad got exasperated at a young servant who had been eating all of his red colored Jelly beans. In his anger, Rillopad reached into the boy’s cleaning supplies and hurled a dry sponge at the lad. The boy never ate a red jelly bean again. The good Sir spread word to his friends of the great fun he had hurling the sponge at the poor boy, and the race to discover new ways to attack people with sponges was on!
After developing their fighting techniques over a sequence of years, the group of overly rich men realized that in order to properly fight with a sponge, rules needed to be set. Thus, in the year of 2004, the Society of the Sponge Fighters was formed in order to protect and preserve the sanctity of sponge fighting. The society is secretive, but those truly in search of sponge fighting knowledge are allowed to join. Once enrolled in the society, trained sponge fighting instructors will commence to train members not only on how to fight in the various techniques, but also the history, and theory behind them. Trained sponge fighting instructors are stationed in every continent, if you know where to find them. I myself am such an instructor. For a nominal fee of $8,888,888 you may join this ancient and revered society, and I will teach you all there is to know about the ancient art of sponge fighting. Just send that amount to me, vanyar, in a bright green envelope, and you’re correspondence will begin. You may also purchase sponge fighting lessons for llamas for an additional $24,601. All proceeds of my lessons go to Llamas Frolic Freely (commonly referred to as LFF), a wonderful charity that stands for the freeing of penned up llamas who dream of frolicking in lush fields of green. Thank you for your attention, and may the sponge always be with you.
