Disclaimer: This is all mine (muhahahaha) except for Eomer (darn it), the ringwraith (double darn), and Theoden (eh). This is not a weigh loss program and individual results may vary. If this fanfic results in seizures then that is not my problem and you should go to the doctor. No, you cannot cure epilepsy yourself and neither can this fanfic. It may cure depression but there have been no clinical studies.

During this episode of Animal Cops: Rohan, we will follow Officer Rosa. What grotesque, horrific image will await us?

R: “We’re following a call, apparently an observer noticed a dead horse lying in a field. He has probably been neglected. We have to collect evidence and talk to the owner to see if this is a case of animal cruelty. Here is the guy… I think. (what a hunk!).”
*gets out of the car and walks over to the guy*

R: *thinks aloud* “Oh, wow, matted blood, multiple, stab? Wounds, yeah… Hey you!”
*walks over to the guy you know as Eomer*
“Guy, excuse me but this horse is dead. Anything you would like to tell me?”

E: “Um… Yeah, it’s dead alright.” *rolls his eyes* Anything to tell you? Yeah, XYZ.
R: *turns red* “Is this your horse sir?”
E: “Excuse me?”
R: “Sir, why is this horse dead?”
E: “We are kind of in the heat of battle here…”
R: “Look, guy I got a call from a witness of this… *glances at horse and shudders* Crime… I mean, look at this! It’s emaciated! There is no meat on this horse! Literally… It’s hooves are hanging on by a thread!”
E: “Eww… If you want to point fingers, here *tosses spear over to her* take this and plunge it into that guy over there *gestures to a nearby ringwraith*. He probably did it… *shakes head* He always seems to pick on the white horses. Probably more chewy.”
*Eomer has run away.*
*Rosa goes over to the ringwraith and he surprisingly pays no attention to her. She yells but nothing happens so she posts a little note on his helm saying that if he doesn’t respond in two minutes he will be arrested. He finally notices after about 30 seconds.*
Wraith: “Hello? Oh… *hisses* WHAT DO YOU WAAAAAAAAANT?”
R: “I want you to tell me sir why you didn’t respond.”
W: “Um… what? Oh, I’m blind you see. My *violin starts to play* master took my free will away and then he took away most of my senses leaving me only cruelty and what-not. I am now a fearless hunter with no life. Oh, I’m so depressed. That’s why I’m SSSSSO FAT! *gestures down at clothing*. Whenever I’m sad I eat.”
R: “Really?”
W: “No!! I weigh 3 pounds (not counting the armor) and eating is… um… sort of impossible for me.”
R: “Okay… Well… *looks at camera and whispers* I think the cops will pick him up later…”
R: “Um… you have a name?”
W: “YES!! It’s…”
*camera just explodes into static and you can hear someone saying “Stupid battery!”*
*The officer finds Eomer again*
R: “Um… I still think you are the responsible citizen. Just answer me this… Up until the time I got here… How long has the horse been dead?”
E: “Well, *shrugs* About 3 minutes.”
R: “Okay… WAIT!! *gets a sly look on her face* It only took me 1 minute to get here from the station!”
E: “But…”
*She gestures to the station over the bloody battleground and we can see that it is about 10 feet away.*
*He is caught and hurled to the ground in handcuffs.*
R: “You are being arrested for eating the horse and here are your rights…”
*Theoden rides up to the scene on his horse.*
Theoden: “Knew the boy would amount to nothing.”
*The camera then points to a hungry Haradrim with some suspicious bones hanging from his mouth… He laughs and then slurps the bone back in. His eyes shift and he gives a huge black-tooth grin. FADES.*

All citizens of this program are innocent and were never proven guilty. Apparently, Middle Earth has never heard of the Bill of Rights. What a savage place… *shake of the head.
Why did Saruman create a gi-normous army of 10,000 orcs to seige helm’s deep?
A: So he wouldn’t have to pack food!

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