Aragorn: Welcome to “The Quest for the New Lembas Spokesperson” (applause). Please welcome the first victim, I mean interviewee, Jennifer Lopez (dead silence)

JLo: Hi Aragorn… I really like your ring. What do you say to getting together after the show?

Aragorn: I’m sort of already bound to someone who gave up their immortality for me.

JLo: Bound? OOO, you’re dirty! (Smiles seductively at Aragorn)

Gandalf: On to the questions! If you were given an evil, all powerful ring, what would you do with it?

JLo: Oh, that’s easy. I’d put it on and wear it, and then take it off to throw people off and make them think I broke off my engagement, and then I’d show up at a premiere of one of my Oscar worthy movie with it on and then…

Frodo (interrupting): It’s mine, give it to me! It’s my burden!! (Crumbles up in a corner and sobs) Mine!

(Sam runs over to Frodo and holds him in his arms)

Sam: Can’t you see what you’re doing to him! Do you want to know why your brother died? He tried to take the ring from Frodo, after swearing an oath to protect him, he tried to kill him!

JLo: Umm, I don’t have a brother. By the way, does this ring have like an 8 carat diamond on it or something? If people want it so badly it must… or maybe it’s a purple diamond, don’t see too many of those.

Sam: No, why would it have that on it?

JLo: Oh, then I’m not interested in that ring. It sounds ugly. Can I have the next questions?

Pippin: What is something you would like to achieve in you life?

JLo: Oh, that’s so easy. Get married.

Merry: You can’t have me!

(Everyone looks uncomfortably around at each other and shake their heads at Merry)

JLo: But have it last more than a year, so maybe next time I should get pregnant. Hmmm.

Merry: Oh THAT type of marry. I knew that (smiles sheepishly)

Pippin: How many meals do you eat each day?

JLo (starts to cry): I know! I’m fat! Why are you so mean! Bringing up my weight problems (more sobbing)

Pippin: So, I guess this would be a bad time to ask when Second Breakfast is.

Gandalf: Fool of a Took! You made the diva cry! That’s something that’s life threatening to do. It’s rule 406 in the Wizard’s Code, under “You Would Rather be Eaten Alive by a Dragon than do this”. It’s the second to the worst on this list.

Pippin: What’s the worst?

Gandalf: Steal Legolas’ shampoo.

Legolas: What did you just say about me?

Gandalf: Legolas has the most beautiful hair.

Pippin: No, we were talking about stupid things to…

(Gandalf puts his hand over Pippin’s mouth and smiles at Legolas)

Legolas: If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you take?

JLo: I would only take 1 thing: the Waldorf Astoria.

Legolas (!): Okay (stamps “DENYED” on application) Next!

(Man brings in Tom Cruise with a huge smile on his face. Arwen, Eowyn, and Legolas perk up)

Farimir (looking nervous): Can we skip this guy

Merry: Doesn’t it hurt to constantly smile like that?

Tom C: I can’t feel my lips anymore, so no. Who is your favorite actor?

Pippin: I would have to say Billy Boyd.

Eowyn: I tend to prefer Johnny Depp.

(Tom C. looks angry, Faramir sighs with relief)

Aragorn: We’re supposed to ask YOU questions, not vice-versa. If you were given an all powerful, evil ring, what would you do with it?

Tom C: I would use it to make everyone in the world love and adore me! Worship the ground I walk on! Die those critics who say I’m past my prime! Die, die, die!

(Everyone looks at him like he’s a psychopath)

Tom C: I mean I’d use it for an unlimited supply of teeth whitening

(Frodo groaning, whimpering, and rolling around the floor)

Frodo: It’s getting heavier!

Sam: Mr. Frodo, we already destroyed the ring. Don’t you remember? That’s why you only have 9 fingers.

(A man with a banjo comes in and starts to sing)

Man w/ Banjo: Frodo! Of the nine finger!

Tom C: This is MY interview!

Man w/ Banjo: When there’s a whip (sound of whip cracking) there’s a way…

Tom C: I demand my rights!

Aragorn: Okay, this will be your last question then. Who is YOUR favorite actor?

Tom C: I’d have to say Stuart Townsend.

Aragorn: NEXT!!! (Stamps “DENYED” across paper)

(Man brings in Michael Jackson)

Aragorn: I thought…

Man: Sorry my Lord, but all the other celebrities left.

Michael J: I just love hobbits. Come here little fellas!

(Frodo, Pippin and Merry all run for their lives. Sam turns around, sees they’re gone, and bolts off as well)

Gandalf: I don’t think this is going to work out (Stamps “DENYED” across paper)

(1 week later they all meet together in Bag End and turn on the T.V. Man w/ Banjo singing Lembas commercial)

Man w/ Banjo:
(To the tune of ‘Frodo of the nine Fingers’)
Lembas!
Of the dry flour!
(To the tune of the song Gollum sings at the Forbidden Pool)
If you want,
Something juicy sweet
Try some great Lembas
It just can’t be BEEEAAAAT!
(To the tune of ‘I’ll Stand by You’)
Whether
You’re on a quest
Or, you just want a snack
Lembas, it is the best
(To the tune of ‘A Whole New World’)
A whole new bread!
A new and wonderful taste
Whether it’s in Mordor
Or just next door
Lembas is the bread you want to eat!
(To the tune of ‘Your Song’ Moulin Rouge version)
My gift is my song!
And this ones for you
And you can try any bread
But it just won’t do
It just isn’t lembas
So you will be blue
I hope you just buy
I hope you just buy
Lembas bread
It’s just so wonderful
Now that it’s mass produced

(End commercial. Everyone in Bag End looks a little kerfuzzled )

Pippin: Well, it makes ME want Lembas.