Barad-Dur Help Groups (Chapter One) by Sharkey
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine *sigh*. If I was making any profit by using them I would be on a Caribbean island somewhere by now, preferably with Captain Jack and Co, not sitting in rainy England writing fanfic. Duh!
Mysterious Narrator Sharkey: Welcome, my little fanfic lovers, to this week’s ‘Postcards from Middle Earth’. In this episode, we bring you exclusive footage from one of the weekly BA (Baddies Anonymous) meetings in Mordor! Roll the tape, boys!
(A mob of random Orcs, Easterlings, Saruman, Wormtongue, Gollum, Denethor and some others are milling around in a small dingy conference room in Barad-Dur. The Witch-King climbs up to a podium in one corner of the room, attempting to hush the group of baddies)
The Witch-King: Oi! Quiet everybody! Don’t make me fetch Shelob!
(Eventually there is silence. The Witch-King proceeds)
The Witch-King: Welcome to the Baddies Anonymous Course, everyone. Over the next few weeks we will be attempting to convert you all to the side of good and shininess. Now, before anything else, let us say the pledge. Repeat after me: I am a nice Orc, not a mindle..
Wormtongue: What if we aren’t an Orc?
The Witch-King: *Sigh* Fine. I am a nice Orc, or Steward, Easterling, Wizard, Evil Henchman, or….. whatever Gollum is.
Gollum: We iss a hobbit, my love.
The Witch-King: Eww. And I thought I was deformed. Anyway! Pledge! I am a nice Orc, or whatever, not a mindless killing machine. If I am to change this ima…. (Denethor raises a hand) Oh sweet Sauron, what now?
Denethor: I don’t think I’ve ever killed anyone.
Saruman: What about all those guys you sent to Osgiliath?!
Denethor: I didn’t actually kill those people myself, though, did I?
Saruman: Well, I’ve never killed anyone then, if it works like that!
The Witch-King: You’ve all killed people! That’s why you’re here! That’s why I’m here, for Valar’s sake!
Denethor: Yeah, but I’ve never actually got a sword and ran a guy through, have I?
The Witch-King: Look, just say the pledge. Please? Ok. I am a nice Orc, or whatever, not a mindless killing machine, even if I’ve never actually killed anyone personally. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. The Free People of Middle Earth are friends, not food!
Gollum: Except nassty hobbitses, precious. They think they’re really special, they do, my love. Ooh, look at me, I’m carrying the precious to Mount Doom, aren’t I something?!
Denethor: Speaking of food, I only like chicken.
The Witch-King: Will you all just say the freaking pledge!!! I don’t care if one little thing doesn’t apply to you personally! It’s the principle of the matter!!
The Witch-King: And now you’ve upset me. Are you all happy now? Eh? Satisfied?
(Everyone looks at their feet ashamedly)
Denethor (whispers to Saruman): It’s just because a girl kicked his ass. Macho thing, he needs to assert his authority.
The Witch-King (pretending he can’t hear them): Right. Now, why don’t you begin, Gollum? Just start with your name.
Gollum (coming up to the podium): Hello, our name is Gollum. No wait, Sméagol! No, Gollum! Sméagol! Gollum!
Everyone: Hello, Gollum-No-Wait-Sméagol.
Gollum: It’s been 600 years since our last hobbit, we swears, we swears on the precious, or may we fall into a pit of molten lava and die!
The Witch-King: Well done, Gollum. Now, who’s next? Wormtongue?
Wormtongue: Um, hello. My name is Grìma, not Wormtongue. That’s just a cruel nickname.
Everyone: Hello, Wormtongue.
Wormtongue: Grrr. Anyway, I don’t think I’ve ever killed anyone personally.
Denethor: See! I told you.
Saruman: What are you talking about? You killed Lotho Sackville-Baggins and ate him.
Everyone: EWWW!
Wormtongue: Ha! I don’t think so! That’s only in the book! The Scouring of the Shire is not in the movie, so I don’t think that really counts. So, I’ve never actually killed anyone, really.
The Witch-King: Whatever. Wash your hair, weirdo! Who wants to go next? Denethor? Saruman?
Sam: Ooh! Pick me! Me!
The Witch-King: Yes, you, the fat hobbit at the front.
Sam: I’m big boned! Hello, I’m Samwise Gamgee.
Everyone: Hello Sam.
Sam: I’ve needed to say this for so long; I am in love with Mr Frodo.
Everyone: ………
(Legolas bursts through the door, closely followed by Aragorn and Boromir)
Legolas: Has anyone seen a fat hobbit? He’s supposed to be with us in the GCA meeting.
Barbossa: You look familiar. Have I crossed you before?
The Witch-King (Ignoring Barbossa): Ah, that explains it. Sam, this is the BA, Baddies Anonymous. You want the Gay Characters Anonymous.
Sam: Sorry, Mr Angmar.
Denethor: Hey! What are you doing in the GCA, sonny boy?
Boromir: Oh, grow up, Dad. Haven’t you seen my death scene in the Fellowship?
Denethor: That was a brotherly kiss! Brotherly! (He runs out of the room with his hands over his ears, singing loudly, Boromir running after him)
The Witch-King: Well, I think that concludes this weeks meeting. Who wants to come back to Minas Morgul for a Star Wars Marathon?
Everyone: ME!!
(They all run from the room, humming John Williams)
Mysterious Narrator Sharkey: So, the elusive bad guys once more disappear into the mists of Mordor. Tune in next week, for an exclusive interview with Elrond, as he tells us the story of ‘My three in a tree romp with Thranduil and Celeborn!’ Don’t miss it! Remember, keep watching the skies! You might see a Nazgûl!
34 Comments
That was funny. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha
ithink u should put Legolas *mutters*my prrecciousssssss
*eh-hem* sorry. Anywho that was REEEEAAAAALLLYYY good. Plus I’m the first 2 submit a review. Go me. i’m spaacial.
P.S. If u do get to go 2 that island in the carribean, call me. OK? Nirithil:)
I read all chapters of this. Continue, please!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!KEEP WRITING!!
Please write more!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I like trhe story. It’s really good.
love the BHG just one question.Where the heck is Legolas!!!!! lol plez keep goin
HAHAHAHAH!!! ::dies laughing:: CONTINUE THE STORY!!!!
Hurry up and add another chapter!! I love it!! READ IT, PEOPLE!!!
I’m here ready and willing to bribe, if it means one more chapter of rib cracking, tear causing, help group goodness
Lol PLEASE continue!!
heya, sorry i didn’t write a review bout the others *cries* you know how it is, No Tiome To Say Hello Goodbye,I’m Late! I think i can just say this all in one hit really! so far they has bin great! and tho the weather here (in England) has been improving u ain’t bin staying outside! snaps 4 u! *perks hugly* anyway! welll done and 4gods sake keep writing! thankies! luv Gilraen!
LOL!! Can’t wait for next chapter!! I can’t believe it’s going to be over soon…*sob*
Lol I laughed all the way through all of the chapters! Sorry, instead of making a review for each chapter, i’m just gonna write one in the first chapter review about all of ’em. But I did laugh through all of ’em and i love ’em! Keep writing these!
i loved this story! the outbreaks of hysterical laughing scared my family though, heheh. I’m going to miss the Barad-Dur help group so much. i hope u write more like this one. keep up the good work!
YAY! The help groups are back!!! Write more soon, please!
AN UPDATE!!! yay! *jumps up and down in joy* ok im supposed to be constructive….. tell me about your mother. *now imagine me nodding* ah, i see. it’s not your fault.
Truly awesome! Éowyn kicks butt; she is so cool. Legolas as the arch-villan, hmmmm . . . . Anyway, it’s great.
ME LIKE. Randomness. Cliches. Hilarity. find more tapes. More i say!
lol! u r so funny! Fish-dur indeed… =^..^=
Oh.My.God. This is so funny. Pleez make more. I’ll help you get your spoon if you do!
loved it, i think that legolas’ stooge should be ME. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM legolas(drools)
It is obvious that Legolas’s stooge is Deagol. Yes I know he is dead, but so is Boromir. Thanks for another great chapter!!
Yery funny! I think the lackey should be Carmen Miranda or Justin Guarini, or Sam, who wants to get rid of everyone else so that he can have Frodo all to hisself. Keep writing!
Is it Eowyn? Or maybe one fo the others???? Cheap way of getting reviews, but I like it!! Sly and crafty. :}
Love this!!! Um……Figwit the misterious elf??? Or Bob, my flying squirrel? (Don’t bother looking for him, as he is in-vis-ible.)
Oh! I know who Legolas’s stooge is! It’s Haldir!
I’m just taking a wild guess…Barbossa? Awesome chapter!
Oh my God. This is so good. I just love all those baddies and the whole idea of the help group is so funny. Just read first chapter. Now…on to the next chapter XD. You’re really good writer you know.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Where’s the next episode??? TELL ME!! how many moons has it been since you updated this story, hmmm? You better add another chappie soon or I’ll sick the Fish Squad on you
Pleeeease hurry up with the next one, the suspense is drivimg me crazy – or maybe it’s all the caffeine. Or both.
I think leggy’s stooge is Sam. Maybe.
It’s Sam!!!! Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!!!!!!!!! The real Sam was kidnapped and replaced with a gay hobbit that’s 200 years old! Really, I’m not kidding…
Bill…
very amusing so far, also quite… how should i put it? ah yes, also quite random. agree with legolas’ evil mood, makes him more interesting instead of just a nancing elvish princling. anyway very funny, please keep writing.
Sam. Or Grima. Or Deagle. Or Sam. Or Grima. Or Deagle. Maybe Frodo. How about Aragorn or Gimli. They were only in one chapter. Or the B-DHG can rebel against Legolas and Co. Instead of it being a battle with arms, howabout a battle of wit. (aka: everyone is insulting each other)
Evil Legolas. Even hotter- I mean better than before. *nervously looks around and starts walking slowly out the door* He he. I’m not obsessed about Legolas. What would make you think that? He he. *turns and runs for the door*