I will start by defining what a fan-girl is– it is a girl who’s a fan of a certain famous person. Sounds harmless, doesn’t it? But it’s not. Because of these girls (and sometimes men), celebrities go into hiding, have huge bodyguards with 500 pounds of muscle, and in some cases, lose hearing in one of their ears. That brings me to the screams, oh yes the screams; music to everyone’s ears. The lovely sound of dozens of teenage girls coming, and if you don’t get out of the way quickly, a hospital bedroom will be your home for the next 6 months.

Fortunately, in order to save many lives and limbs, the State of California has passed a law stating, “In order to protect the lives and privacy of our residents, all fan-girls living in this providence must attend ‘FGA’ (Fan Girls Anonymous) for the amount of time that seems necessary to each individual. This amount will be determined by the State Board of Psychiatry. More details will soon follow.”
This is a law that I believe is tax money well spent. I was personally invited to a meeting in Fontana, CA. The meeting is as follows. (I have changed the names in order for the protection of these girls. Remember, this is a difficult thing to come to terms with, and it should not be taken lightly.)

Moderator: Hello everyone and welcome to ‘FGA’. Why don’t we all go through and say our name and why we’re here.

Elijaholic: Hi, um, my name is Elijaholic…

Everyone: Hi Elijaholic!

Elijaholic: Well, I LOVE Elijah Wood. He’s so (romantic sigh) The eyes… The feet.

Moderator: Uhh, o.k.? Next?

LeggyLuffsME: My name is LeggyLuffsME…

Everyone: Hi LeggyLuffsME!

LeggyLuffsME: Anyways… well I’m here because I’m engaged to Legolas and I love him and he loves me and…(faints)

Moderator: Alright, how about you?

OrlandoIsMINE: My name is Mrs. Bloom…

Everyone: Hi Mrs…. (interrupting)

OrlandoIsMINE: Don’t interrupt me! I AM Mrs. Bloom, and you’re just jealous. The reason you’re all here is because you’ve been stalking my husband.

Moderator: Oh, YOU’RE the one who got the restraining order.

LeggyLuffsME: (just waking up from the faint) I wasn’t stalking! I was just trying to find out where my Leggy was.

Orlijah: We’re…

Bruce: (coming in the door) Sorry I’m late. My name’s Bruce

Everyone: Hello Bruce!

Bruce: Well, it’s been three weeks since I ate my last fish.

Elijaholic: Ewww, fish!

Orlijah: (sings) our only wish, to catch a fish, so juicy SWEEEET!

Bruce: um.

OrlandoIsMINE: Why is there a shark here?

Elijaholic: I bet he’s an Elijah Wood fan… Your an Lijah fan, aren’t you?

Bruce: Well, actually, n…(interrupted)

Elijaholic: I always knew Lijy was good with animals! Especially ones that can bite people’s heads off.

Bruce: Well, that’s a common misconception about…

Elijaholic:( Interrupting once again) yeah, whatever. Like Oh my Gosh, This is so exciting! I knew Lijy loves to surf, but. That’s where you met him wasn’t it? You saw him surfing and fell in love. How romantic.

Orlijah: Yes, precious it is

Bruce: I’m going to go now.

Everyone: Bye Bruce!

LeggyLuffsME: Legolas, Legolas, Leg… (faints)

OrlandoIsMINE: STAY AWAY FROM MY ORLI!

Orlijah: So bright, so beautiful. ORLANDO!

OrlandoIsMINE: STOP IT! (Picks up frying pan)

LeggyLuffsME: (wakes up and sees the danger) NOOO, don’t kill me! I love LEGOLAS, not Orlando.

Elijaholic: (gazing at picture of Elijah) is there a problem?

OrlandoIsMINE: They’re the same person!

LeggyLuffsME: No, no, Legolas lives in the West, in the undying lands. Orlando lives in LA. I’m going to save up all my money and go to the undying lands and then Legolas and I can finally have our wedding. We’ll have the lost Silmarils as our wedding rings and then I’ll be able to stroke my fingers through his long blond hair forever, and ever and. (faints)

Moderator: Oh my. Who’s going to tell her?

Orlijah: I will, yes precious, I will.

OrlandoIsMINE: Why is Gollum wearing a dress?

Everyone: Gollum?!

Elijaholic: I’m going to kill you! You bit off my Lijah’s finger and now you’re going to pay! (Grabs frying pan)

Orlijah (Gollum): Nooo, it was a movie, we would never hurt the master, we didn’t really…

Elijaholic: (WHAP)

———————————————

After this meeting, I am glad to say that recovery is near for them all. But now, I have to go on the witness stand.