Disclaimer: Don’t own anyone etc…

Aragorn stormed angrily into the hall of Minas Tirith, fuming and huffing.

“Now what be the matter with ye laddie?” Gimli inquired, puffing a smoke ring.

“I’m so tired of being in theses stupid fanfictions!!” He screamed, ripping a large handful of hair out of his head. “Owww, that hurt… but anyway! I cannot take one more Mary Sue mooning over me, kissing me, getting attacked by orcs and making me save her, teaching her how to fight and the list goes on!” He plopped down exhausted on his throne. Gimli just sat there, rather bewildered at his friends behavior. Just then Legolas dragged himself through the door, covered in mud and panting like a dog.

“If I see… one more hideous, unsightly, dim witted Mary Sue… I think I’m going to kill her.”

“What happened?” Aragorn asked, already having a good idea of what had transpired. Legolas scowled.

“Elethiel-bright-star-sunshine-peredhil!” he mocked in a high falsetto voice. Gimli scratched his head. “I got kissed and coddled, drug across Mordor to save her, rode all over Rohan trying to find her after she was captured by Dunlendings, made to teach her to fight, speak Elvish and all this in less than 24 hours!!! I think I’m gonna die…” He collapsed to the floor.

“What are these Mary Sues you speak of?” Gimli asked.

“WHAT ARE MARY SUES?!” Aragorn and Legolas cried in unison. A babble of incomprehensible words followed, including several curses in Elvish.

“HOLD IT!” Gimli cried. Aragorn and Legolas stopped short, their mouths still open. “Are these Mary Sue’s those things that make you two disappear so often?”

“Yes! And we’re sick of it!’ Legolas cried, exasperated.

“How come I’ve never had one?” Gimli questioned. Legolas and Aragorn turned to each other, murmuring.

“Do dwarves have Mary Sues paired with them?”

“I don’t know…”

“I suppose not.”

“Maybe he’s too short?”

“No, I once had a MS who was three feet tall!”

“Really?”

“Maybe it’s his beard, why would you kiss someone with a beard?”

“They’re Mary Sues! They’ll kiss anything!” After this hard deliberation they turned back to Gimli.

“We don’t know. It’s just that we get pulled away into some part of our world, and are made to do ridiculous things. Even though I’m married!” Aragorn frowned.

“Oh. Well can you resist it at all? Seem like a good axe would bring one or two down…” Gimli suggested.

“By the Valar, I hadn’t thought of that!” Aragorn cried, elated.

“Wait, they’re women, we can’t kill a woman! We would be dishonored!” Legolas cut in.

“Oh, right…” Aragorn tapped his chin.

“I GOT IT!” Legolas exclaimed. “So, they make us do all these ridiculous things because they think we’re ‘hot’ as they call it. All we have to do is make ourselves ‘un-hot’.”

“Perfect!” Aragorn cried, “How do we do that?”

“Don’t bathe for a few months, grunge in the dirt etc.,” Legolas explained.

“Oh, you better let the hobbits in on this one too… Frodo e-mailed me last week saying as how he was mobbed by one MS so badly, she made him come back from the Grey Havens!”

“Phewww, this is getting serious.”

“I’ll e-mail him right now.” Aragorn whipped out his shiny Mac laptop.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]

Frodo, Legolas has come up with a brilliant plan to save us from the MS’s. Make yourself as ‘un-hot’ as possible. Eat as much as you can, don’t bathe and all other things you can think of to make yourself ‘un-hot’. Pass this on to M, P & S.
-Aragorn

LATER

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli set off from the palace down to the lowest level of Minas Tirith where most shops were. After trying several different boutiques, they finally found the proper store. Above the door it read, Evil Villains Warehouse. Stepping through the door Legolas turned to the shopkeeper, but was frightened to see a Nazgul behind the counter.

“You’re supposed to be dead!” he cried.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s what they all say. I needed a job after the Boss keeled over. So dude, like what do you need?” the Nazgul asked in a drugged sounding voice.

“Um, where is your cologne section?”

“Third isle on the left.”

“Ummm thanks.” And the three disappeared. On the third isle they found row after row of black and poison green bottles of orc cologne. Gimli picked up one and sniffed it. He promptly gagged.

“This one will keep ’em off you.” He said in a stifled voice. The label read,

Lurtz Vaggabond Signature Scent!
Maggoty Bread

Aragorn picked up a green bottle of ‘Este Slaughter’s Warg Dung’ and looked it over suspiciously. Legolas looked down the shelf wondering at ‘Ringwraith Stab’ ‘Goblin Grease’ and ‘Mummikil Carcass’. Then he innocently picked up a bottle of ‘Balrog Breath’ and promptly passed out on the floor.

“I think we have a winner.” Aragorn mused.

10 bottles of Balrog Breath were placed on the counter in front of Nazgul #5.

“Dude, like what the heck are all you guys going to do with this?”

“Defeat the MS’s.”

“Oh. Yep, you sure aren’t the first to be in here. Had a couple dudes in here last week looking for some. They got some ‘Goblin Grease’, but my personal favorite is ‘Ringwraith Stab,'” the clerk commented, handing them their purchases. They thanked him and headed back up to the Citadel.

Back at the Citadel…

All three of them sat staring at the 10 bottles of perfume laid out before him.

“How am I going to explain this to Arwen?” Aragorn asked.

“I’m sure I don’t know. But we should probably put this stuff on now. It’s getting close to sunset, and you know that’s when they always strike…” Legolas advised. Suddenly a voice was heard, eerily calling Legolas’s name.

“Oh no! It’s Elethiel-bright-star-sunshine-peredhil!” he cried. “Douse me, quick!” Gimli and Aragorn sprang into action and poured a bottle over Legolas’s head. He then proceeded to pass out. When Elethiel-bright-star-sunshine-peredhil showed up, she found her beloved Leggy on the floor, smelling to high heaven. Horrified she sprang to his side, cradling his head.

“What have they done to you my dear!” Then she stopped suddenly, “Oh! Ewww! You smell awful!” She dropped his head hard on the floor. Then suddenly she disappeared.

“IT WORKED!!!” Aragorn cried elatedly! “It worked! Yes! High five Legolas! Oh, yeah…are you OK?”

“No…” he moaned weakly, struggling to sit up. “She dropped my head onto the marble.” Rubbing his head, he found an egg-sized lump on the back. “But at least it worked!”

“Aye laddie. Twas a brilliant plan.” Gimli smiled.

Ahhh, but was it such a brilliant plan? Next chapter soon… Please R&R!

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