Disclaimer: I’m just borrowing. You’ve seen this a million times in fanfics, I’m sure, but I don’t own any of the characters, places, items, ideas, whatever. Everything is Tolkien’s.

I love email style fanfics (they’re hilarious) so I figured I’d write one. On to the fic, then.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]
Subject: URGENT! IMPORTANT! READ IMMEDIATELY!

Elves, Men, Dwarves, Wizards, and Halflings:

Now that I have your attention, I feel it necessary to inform you that I will be holding a council at Imladris on 25 October. Please attend, as this meeting is fairly important. We must discuss the doom of Middle-earth. If you cannot attend in person (I think I am right in naming Kings Dain and Thranduil, as well as Lord Denethor, in this) please send an emissary. RSVP to Elrond by 10 October. Regrets only. Thank you.

Lord Elrond

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Invalid Email, Message Returned

We are sorry. Your message was unable to be sent to the following address:

[email protected]

Our server has detected that this address is currently non-functioning. Contact the user through another means.

Thank you,

Mailer-Balrog, Middle Earth Mail

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Council of Doom

will be unable to attend. am sending son instead. must warn you, he travels with immense amount of hair-care products that may take up entire room.

thranduil, king of mirkwood

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Council

Coming.

-Gimli

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Message from Elrond

Gandalf,

What is this Elf going on about?

-Frodo

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Leaving.

Rosie,

This’ll sound odd, but I’m leaving the Shire. Secret business… going to Rivendell with Mr. Frodo. I’ll be back soon as I can.

Love, Sam

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
CC: [email protected], [email protected]
Subject: !!!

Peregrin –

WHERE ARE YOU? You haven’t been home for three days, Saradoc Brandybuck is bombarding me with “URGENT” messages from Buckland, and your mother is beside herself. Please come home immediately.

– Your Father

P.S. – I am sending this to Meriadoc as well because I don’t believe that Saradoc has learned how to operate his email yet.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: !!!

I’m alright. Merry and me are cutting across the Wild with Frodo, Sam, and some Ranger called Strider. Friend of Gandalf’s. Don’t know when we’ll be back. Going to Rivendell. Am hungry. Strider the Ranger doesn’t believe in second breakfast. Can you send food ahead?

-Pippin

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected], [email protected]
Subject: You’re not getting away this time.

I know it was you two who put the rotting vegetables under my bed. You’re going to pay.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Really?

How exactly are we going to pay, Cousin Pervinca?

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Really?

I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Hi sweetie!

Are you going to be back soon? My brothers are going to come back from another of their Orc-killing sprees, and I don’t think I can be around them without SOMEONE to talk to… and maybe not talk to, if you know what I mean.

Kisses,

Arwen

P.S. You should really get a new email address. Haven’t you had this one since we met?

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: New email

Hi Arwen, sweetie! I changed my address, I hope you’re happy. And yes, I’ll be back soon. Bringing a bunch of hobbits with.

Love, Aragorn

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Time for some fun, boys!

I hope that you have all realized we are in position to strike against the Ringbearer — you know, the very small one. Assignments:

2: Lookout
3, 5, and 9: the Ranger
4, 6, 7, and 8: the other three Halflings

I will take the Ringbearer.

-Angmar

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: planned attack.

It isn’t going so well, Angmar. 3, 4, and 5 seem to have got sidetracked by a quite excellent inn and are down with hangovers. Remaining wraiths will meet at Amon Sul as planned.

-Number Eight

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: help

attacked by nazgul ringbearer injured coming to rivendell asap in tremendous hurry send glorfindel stat please Aragorn

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Glorfindel

Aragorn,

Unfortunately, Glorfindel was found this morning shoved into the hall closet in the north wing. He’s still unconscious — someone apparently hit him over the head. Asfaloth is gone too. And so is my daughter. Am beginning to wonder whether Elladan and Elrohir are behind this.

-Elrond

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Never mind. Arwen just showed up — on Asfaloth, no less. She’s taking the Ringbearer to Rivendell. Didn’t ask what happened to Glorfindel. Will be there soon…

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Hi!!

Hi Merry! Are you alright? Those riders were around a bit after you’d left, and they were asking after Frodo Baggins, according to Rose, who heard it from the Gaffer, who actually talked to the thing – and then Pervinca Took told me that you had gone off with Frodo. Please write back.

-Estella

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Re: Hi!!

Um.

How did you get my email address, Estella? And why have you been talking to —

I am going to kill Pervinca Took.

-M.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Council

Hi Bilbo,

What is this “council” they keep telling me about? And why is the hallway swimming in bottles of hair products?

My shoulder hurts. I feel sick. I’m going to go back to sleep now.

– Frodo

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]; [email protected]
Subject: Imladris

Hi Dad, hi Faramir –

Have got to Rivendell/Imladris/whatever you want to call it safely. Council is tomorrow. Will report back on Isildur’s Bane and stuff.

-Boromir

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Council

Hello, Frodo, my lad. The Council is a meeting to determine the fate of your Ring. And as you asked me earlier, I am including a link to the instruction manual for Sting. Click me for instructions. Hope it helps.

-your Uncle Bilbo

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

hi ada – i cant believe these rivendell elves! they have no sense of style. considering giving one a complete makeover, she has awful hair. elrond got mad when i suggested it. turns out is his daughter. aragorn also got mad. turns out he is dating elronds daughter. boy will elrond be mad when he finds out. if he hasnt already. have lost best purple hairbrush, could you send a replacement? hobbits v. annoying. dwarves even more so. want to come home now.

legolas

– – – –

A/N: Ever gotten a message returned? Usually the address it spins back from is something like “[email protected]”. I personally think MAILER-BALROG would be better. 🙂