GoldenRing
By GreenCat3

Note: This is a very silly parody of GoldenEye with Lord of the Rings characters. Quite deranged and Monty Python-ish, actually. And whenever someone is thinking, it’s in slashes. Arigato!

Disclaimer: I owneth not LotR or GoldenEye. If I did, I’d be rather happy.

Chapter 1: Mirkwood’s dynamic geography

(The camera pans in from above Dol Guldur. A small figure is running on top of a random dam that just kind of appeared in the middle of Mirkwood. Freaky.)
Aragorn: Alright! Now to prepare for my utterly melodramatic dive of DOOM off the dam. Of course, I’ll be wearing a bungee cord.
(Aragorn jumps off the dam, and then realizes that he forgot the cord.)
Aragorn: SHIT! *splat* I’m okay…
(He then proceeds to chop the lock off of the air vent to descend into the evil castle.)
Aragorn: *crawling through vents* /My specified point of entry is the bathroom. I hope to Eru that there isn’t anyone in the stall I’m going to drop into…/*removes grate, notices an orc reading the newspaper on the toilet, falls through opening and hangs upside down* Shit.
(In the meantime, the orc is still reading the newspaper, when some orcish instinct warns him to lower it. He notices Aragorn dangling from the vent.)
Aragorn: A little help here?
Orc: What in Mordor? *blinks a few times*
Aragorn: Ew! Orc poo! *punches out orc, descends from grate* Well, at least that’s over. *walks off towards rendezvous point* Jeez, it’s dark in here. Who forgot to add electrical lighting?
Dark shadow: *points gun at Aragorn* *in the Black Speech* Where have you been? Where are your companions?
Aragorn: *coolly* I’m alone.
(The dark shadow steps into the light very symbolically to reveal…Josef Stalin?!)
Josef Stalin: Whoops. *takes off mask to reveal…Boromir!*
Boromir: Aren’t we all? You’re late, 007.
Aragorn: I had to stop in the bathroom.
Boromir: Ready to save Arda again?
Aragorn: After you, 006. *pauses* Where’d you get the mask?
Boromir: K-Mart.
Aragorn: Right.
Boromir: No, seriously. *motions for Aragorn to follow*
(They arrive at a large, sterile-looking room filled with many large metal vats)
Aragorn: It’s too easy.
Boromir: Half of everything is luck, Aragorn.
Aragorn: And the other half…?
(An alarm goes off, warning every orc in existence of the intruders)
Boromir: Fate.
(The agents run down the stairs)
Boromir: Set timers: six minutes.
Aragorn: Six minutes, check.
(As Boromir shoots the few orcs who have come crashing through the door, Aragorn plants a little timer with a digital readout of 6.00)
Boromir: Whee! I like kill stuff!
Aragorn: *looks at readout* It’s pretty…
Boromir: *rolls eyes* Spiffy. Come on, let’s plant more timers and kill stuff!
(While Aragorn is happily planting timers, Boromir is happily shooting things with his trusty gun. Lurtz, the commanding officer in Sauron’s absence, strides up to the window.)
Lurtz: I will say fire, but that means you smack the window with your wicked Uruk-hai swords. FIRE! *watches all the Uruk-hai try and burn the window, smacks head* Idiots.
(Somehow they eventually break the window and gain access)
Boromir: Shit. *calls* Closing time, Aragorn! Last call!
Aragorn: *planting a timer* Buy me a pint…
Lurtz: *yelling* THIS IS COLONEL LURTZ! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEADS!
Aragorn: How original.
Boromir: Creativity is sadly lessened these days.
(The door blows up)
Boromir: Whee! Explosives!
Aragorn: Shut the door, Boromir, there’s a draft!
There is no answer.
Aragorn: Boromir? *slowly edges out of the relative safety of the tanks to discover Boromir kneeling on the floor with Lurtz’s bow, loaded with three arrows, pointed at him.
Boromir: Not happy.
Lurtz: Move out, throw down your weapons, and walk towards me. Slowly.
Boromir: Finish the job, Aragorn, blow them all to hell!
Lurtz: You have ten seconds. Ten…nine…eight…
(Aragorn goes back and sets the detonator for 3.00)
Lurtz: Seven…six…
Aragorn: *throws down gun, knives, bow, poison arrows…*
Lurtz: Five…four…
Aragorn: /Good thing I left most of my weapons at home…/ *puts his hands behind his head and approaches Lurtz*
Lurtz: Three…two…
Boromir: For England…er, Swaziland…uhm…
Lurtz: *stops counting* *prompts* Gondor…
Boromir: Oh yeah. For Gondor, Aragorn! *twang, thunk, twang, thunk, twang, thunk* Oof! *dies*
Aragorn: No! Not Boromir! Oh well. *dives behind the gas tanks*
Orcs: *haplessly fire automatic rifles*
Lurtz: Hold your fire, dumbasses! You’ll blow the gas tanks and then we’ll all be screwed!
Aragorn: *grabs weapons* J’ai une bonne idée! (I have a good idea!) *stops* Wow. That doesn’t happen often.
Lurtz: This is your last chance! Come out, with your hands above your-
Aragorn: *uses a cart of gas tanks as a shield*
Orcs: *raise guns*
Lurtz: WAIT! *mutters* Jeez, what a bunch of idiots…
Aragorn: *cart hits the conveyor belt*
Lurtz: *smiles* You can’t win.
Aragorn: *smacks the start button on the conveyor belt, jumps on, fires gun at latch of container so gas tanks hit everyone* Muah!
(Once Aragorn is outside, he runs like there’s an army of orcs after him, which, coincidentally, there is.)
Aragorn: *sees a plane about to take off* If I don’t get on that thing I am so fuggin screwed…*jumps on plane, punches out pilot* Boo-yah! *falls out* Bum.
Lurtz: Hold your fire!
Orc #1: But it’s hot…
Lurtz: IDIOTS! I mean don’t shoot!
Orc #2: Who are you to tell us what to do? We live in a self-perpetuating autocracy, in which the working classes…
Lurtz: Bloody peasant.
(While this has been going on, Aragorn has jumped on a motorcycle and is chasing the now pilotless plane. The plane, of course, goes off a cliff, which also just appeared in Mirkwood. Very dynamic geography, that.)
Aragorn: *shrugs, follows on the motorcycle*
Lurtz: He’s either really brave, or really stupid.
Orcs: Both.
Lurtz: Hmm…*nod*
Aragorn: *dives for the plane, is going really damn fast* Sweet Valar, if I live through this, I’ll worship you every day!
(The Valar, believing Aragorn, bend the laws of motion so Aragorn can catch the plane. He does, and flies it out of the valley that also just appeared in Mirkwood while the facility-er, Dol Guldur blows up, along with most of the trees around it. Thranduil’s not going to like this…)
Aragorn: Ha! Stupid Valar! I had crossed my fingers!
Manwë: *grumble* Next time I’ll specify “No crosses count”.
(The plane starts falling from the sky.)
Aragorn: SHIT!