“Dear Friends, Enemies, etc.,

Merry Christmas! I hope you all are faring well. I’m just writing this to cordially invite you to a Christmas Party we are throwing here in Rivendell to celebrate the success of our various therepy sessions. I know most of you are incredibly busy (especially around the holidays) but come if you can. Here’s some info on the bash: Heroes bring snacks, villians bring drinks (no orc draughts, please- we WILL serve Arwen’s homemade eggnog if needed…but…we all rememer LAST YEAR’S party, and I think it’s best for everyone if we stick with punch). And spread the word to your friends… everyone is invited!!! Make sure to bring a special gift for that special someone. And we want to include everyone, so think of others besides your girlfriend/boyfriend/personal dwarf.

There will be appearing a VERY special guest, so come prepared. Dress up if you want to- heck! -it’s Christmas after all!”

~Elrond

–The party has already started and several people are mingling as they enjoy Christmas treats and beverages. So far Elrond’s guests are as follows: Sam, Frodo, Legolas, Gimli, Saruman, Grima Wormtongue, Gollum, Galadriel, two orcs, and Theoden.–

Saruman: *chomping* Dang! These cookies are delish!

Grima: *nervously* Yes… I mean, I could give you mine if you want…

Gimli: I’ll take them off your hands, laddie.

Legolas: *wagging finger at Gimli* Tsk tsk tsk! Remember what you promised your New Year’s resolution would be?

Gimli: *whispering to Legolas* I’ll just have a couple. Besides, I changed my resolution. I’m going to ask Galadriel to the movies.

Legolas: WHAT?

Elrond: *speaking loudly to entire group* Welcome friends, enemies, various creatures….and Smeagol. *studies group* I had hoped there would be more, but I guess we can still party like it’s… the end of the third age!

Gollum: *to Elrond* We likess your Santa Hat, precioussss.

Elrond: Thanks, Smeagol. It’s a little too big though. A gift from my daughter.

Galadriel: *whispers to Gollum* It was a bribe from Arwen so he would stop trying on her dresses.

Gollum: *points to loin cloth decorated with blinking colored lights* Does precioussss like my Chrisstmasss outfit?

Elrond: *forcing a smile* Yes, Gollum…festive AND warm. Well! Let’s get this party started, shall we? Please sit, I’ve arranged the chairs in a circle to promote togetherness. Ahh, Frodo and Sam are already sitting over there. Let’s all sit.

Elrond and guests: *shuffling to seats*

Sam: *quietly to Frodo* Mr. Frodo, are you alright? You look a bit ragged.

Frodo: *exasperated* Oh, Sam, I’m glad you’re with me.

Elrond: *sitting* Frodo, Sam, glad you could make it. You both look like crap, to be perfectly honest. Did you fall into a bog?

Sam: Well, actually, Mr. Frodo DID fall in a dreadful bog. Slinker pulled him out. *turning to Frodo* I could give you a nice long bath after the party, while we’re here and all. *dreamily* With lots of bubbles….

Legolas: That’s a splendid idea! Gimli and I could join you.

Gimli: *excitedly* I’ll bring cookies!

Elrond: *shakes head with a sigh* Those kids. *turns to Theoden* So…where’s your nephew? I haven’t seen him in a while.

Theoden: Well…I had a sneaky feeling Saruman was going to bring Grima with him. *in a lower voice* Eomer’s not too fond of either of them, if you know what I mean.

Elrond: Hmm…I see. But Eowyn’s coming, right? Aragorn would be so disappointed! *scratches chin thoughtfully* Wait…where is Aragorn anyway…….?

Theoden: *clearing throat* Well, I propose we share a few Christmas joys.

Orc #1: *in severe English accent* I had a tasty goblin stew last night!

Orc #2: *also in severe English accent* Mmmmm… goblin stew.

Gimli: *disgusted* Cannibals!

*Sauron bursts into the party room, wearing a green and red sweater and lopsided tinsel strung around his crown*

Sauron: Hey everyone! Merry Christm….. boy, I feel great all of a sudden! I had a bit of a cold earlier, but I’m all cleared up now! *inhales deeply*

Elrond: Ah, Lord Sauron, glad you could make it. How is Mordor this time of year?

Sauron: Well, we’re still on the look for my old lost Ring, but to no avail. However, everyone is in good spirits.

Elrond: Excellent. Well, now that everyone is here-

–The door suddenly bursts open, producing a grinning Aragorn. His arms are strung over Arwen and Eowyn- one on each arm. They are also seemingly a bit more giddy than usual.–

Aragorn: *loudly* Howdy all and Merry Christmas!!! *pointing at Sauron* Killer sweater, Sau-baby! *gives thumbs up*

Sauron: Sau-baby…..?

Gimli: *whispering to Legolas* Something is different about our Ranger friend, eh?

Legolas: *grimacing* I can smell his breath… Arwen’s eggnog!!!

Aragorn: *hicupps loudly*

Elrond: *yelling* Arwen! What is this display! Have you no respect for yourself? This ranger is playing you right in front of your eyes!

Arwen: *slurring under the influence of her own eggnog* Daddy, don’t be a hater.

Aragorn: Yeah. don’t be hatin’ on me, old man!

Legolas: *angrily* Aragorn! You, a future king, should be ashamed of your conduct!

Aragorn: *stumbling into chair with the girls on his lap* Lego-land, please, man. It’s almost the fourth age. Loosen up.

Eowyn: *to Theoden* Uncle, you don’t hate Aragorn for being a player, do you?

Theoden: No, darling. He reminds me of a younger me.

Grima: *timidly* Eowyn, there’s room on my lap.

Theoden: Please, Wormy. You can’t be serious! My niece only falls for kings.

Saruman: *with cookies falling out of mouth* He’s not a king yet!

Aragorn: *pointing to head* Then why do I have a bling bling crown, huh?

Legolas: *testy* That’s a Burger King crown, you fool!

Aragorn: *laughing and slurring* Whoa! Land-O-Lakes. I was just jokin’ man!

Arwen: *giggling* We had some whoppers at the Burger King in the Gap of Rohan earlier when we picked up Eowyn.

Eowyn: *also giggling* Yeah, and then we had some eggnog that Arwen made.

Elrond: A little too much I think.

Booming Voice: HO-HO-HO!!!!

–A tall, thin Santa bursts in, bumping his head on the panelling. With him are two short elves with green and red outfits, pointy shoes, and weed pipes. They are carrying a large chair for Santa to sit in.–

Santa: Set the chair right there, halflin… uhh, helpers. Go bring the tree in! *sees Elrond and plucks his Santa hat off, placing it on his own head*

–Treebeard is seen in the doorway, completely covered in lights, garland, and various ornaments. There is also a large, rusty star that has been stuck firmly in his beard.–

Treebeard: *ducking to enter room* Hoom-haroom! I can bring myself in, thank you.

Santa: Stand in the corner, will you Christmas Tree?

Treebeard: *stands in corner and remains lifeless for the remainder of party*

Frodo: *eyes widen* SANTA!!! I must sit in your lap and have a talk.

Santa: *stroking his pure white beard with a twinkle in his eye* Yes, Frodo, I should like that very much…but you must wait. *addresseing entire group* I am Santa the White- crap! I mean…I am Santa the CLAUSE. These are my two elves. Introduce yourselves lads.

Elf #1: I am M.

Elf #2: I am Pip- I mean P.

Santa: *shaking fist at P* Fool of a T… elf!

Legolas: *testy and angrily* THOSE are NOT elves!

Santa: *shushing Legolas* Don’t say that, they can hear you. These are not elves like you… they are my own special breed.

Gimli: I like ’em. They’re short.

Santa: *whispering to P* Short on brains.

Elrond: Santa, why don’t you sit there on your chair and we’ll start the line. *to group* Okay, everyone, listen. If you want to sit on Santa’s lap, you have to form a nice line. Hero, then villian, and so on. Frodo, you first.

Santa: *sitting in chair* Oh, goody! Jump right up here little one.

Frodo: *settling on the Santa’s lap* Santa. I want to be rid of this- *looks around* THING… do you know what I’m talking about?

Santa: I do, Frodo. You will be rid of it. Just throw it into the THING at the PLACE. Do YOU know what I’M talking about? *raising eyebrow* By the way, you must have been close to your destination. Why did you come back just for this party?

Frodo: *sniffing* I didn’t want to, but Sam made me. He wanted something other than Lembas bread to eat.

Santa: *sadly* Well, then, I suppose you’ll be heading back to your home after such a long journey…

Frodo: Nope. We’ll just go back I suppose. *flashes half-cheery smile* Well, thanks Santa. I feel better already. *hops down* Come on, Sam, let’s stock up on some goodies. *the two Hobbits run off, Frodo walking a bit slower and clutching the Ring. He looks hauntingly back at Santa’s next visitor*

Santa: Who’s next?

Sauron: *wide-eyed* Are you the REAL Santa?

Santa: Yes, son. Come, sit on my lap.

Sauron: *jumps up and lands with force* Ahhh!

Santa: Oooop! Wow, you’re much heavier than you were as a little boy. What do you want for Christmas?

Sauron: The One Ring.

P: *raising both brows* That’s ironic. Frodo was just trying to get rid of it.

Sauron: *turning to Frodo* What the h-

Santa: -elms… Deep! *nervously wringing hands*

M: *covering for P* Ohh, wait. The ONE Ring? Frodo was trying to get rid of a DIFFERENT ring.

Sauron: *eyes dashing back and forth from Frodo to Santa* Is the elf telling the truth? Because I don’t want to be emotionally let down.

Santa: *with confidence* I would not want to cause you pain… so I will tell you the truth. Frodo has a WEDDING ring. Sam proposed.

Sauron: Why does he want to get rid of it?

Santa: *longingly* I’d like to think he is in love with someone else……..

–After a few minutes, it is Grima’s turn to sit on Santa’s lap.–

Grima: *climbs cautiously into lap* Hello Santa.

Santa: *unsure* Why hello…lad…what do you want for Christmas? Eyebrows?

Grima: What?

Santa: Uh, nothing! T’was nothing at all. Now…I’ll bet you’d like a girlfriend, eh?

Grima: *nods sadly*

Santa: *chuckles* Well, you know the best way to get one…right? *points to the assortment of items stuck in the Christmas Tree’s beard*

Grima: *wide eyed with hope, leaps off Santa’s lap and dashes to the tree, cautiously plucking a sprout of mistletoe from the beard then dashing out of sight*

Santa: Well, that’s everyone, I think. *stands from chair* Why don’t we all sing some songs?

Elrond: Or play a game? Oh! *slaps forehead* We are all going to play Secret-Santa. This will be so much fun. Everyone bring gifts? Oh good!

–Sometime later. Sam, Frodo, Gollum, and Santa’s two elves are seated in a circle on the floor and are ferociously unwrapping gifts, though Frodo seems a bit distracted. Legolas is dancing to the Nutcracker soundtrack with Gimli and Galadriel watching on, Santa is falling asleep over a nice pipe, Grima is nowhere to be found, Saruman and Sauron are chatting by the punch bowl, and the two orcs are becoming violent with Theoden over the last Christmas cookie with red sprinkles. Aragorn, Arwen, and Eowyn are still laughing and drinking Arwen’s eggnog on their chair.–

Grima: *walks cautiously up to Eowyn from behind and starts wiggling the mistletoe above their heads*

Aragorn: *looks up* Hey, no fair man.

Eowyn: *giggles* Oh! *hiccups* How sweet! Wanna kiss me, babe?

Grima: *blushes and puckers his mouth*

Eowyn: *laughs, then gets a better look at Grima* Gees, man…you’re ugly! Get outta here. I’ve got my man already. *gives Aragorn’s cheek a slobbery kiss*

Grima: *looks disappointed, but then his eyes light up and he runs out of sight again*

–Meanwhile, as the two Hobbits, Gollum, and Santa’s elves are opening presents…–

Sam: *holding up present from P.* Oh! How did you know! I’ve always wanted underwear in this color.

Frodo: *stands up and clutches in the Ring*

Sam: Frodo, where are you going? You haven’t given your gift yet!

Frodo: *walks up to Sauron and holds his fist up*

Sam: NOOOOO!!!!! *tackles Frodo to the ground*

Sauron: *raises eyebrow* What was THAT all about?

Saruman: *shrugs* By the way, have you seen Grima anywhere?

–Suddenly, both men are disturbed and horrified to find mistletoe dangling above their heads, suspended by a pale, dirty hand.–

Legolas: *stands up on chair and whistles loudly* Hey everyone!!! Since myself and Gimli cannot POSSIBLY fit into the tub with the Hobbits, I’ve decided on another fun pastime. What say I preform my nude rendition of Silmarillion the Musical??

Galadriel: *whistles*

Gimli: *excitedly* Aye! I’m all for that, laddie.

Arwen: *raised eyebrow*

Elrond: *coming over to Legolas, who has already shed his cape, shoes, and shirt* Now, son, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. *gulps* At all.

–Suddenly, out of nowhere, mistletoe is suspended above Legolas and Elrond’s heads. Legolas shreiks and hides behind Gimli, while Elrond gives the evil eye to Grima, who in turn squeals and runs to cower behind Saruman.–

Galadriel: *reluctantly agreeing with Elrond* Well…I suppose we could all sing some carols.

Elrond: Yes! Come on everybody, join hands!

THE END

Special Note: This story was co-written by my big brother…who is an Uruk-Hai.