(Cathen and I are sitting in our “studio”…OKAY, IT’S CATHEN’S BASEMENT! Cathen and I are on a couch, waiting for our interviewee. I don’t own LOTR, anything to do with LOTR, or any of the people on this show, except myself.)

Cathen: Start recording, camera man!

Kristy: I’m not a camera man! I’m just recording your dumb show! I’m only getting paid a buck!

Cathen: If you don’t start recording, you won’t get paid anything!

Anne: Wait a second! OH, JANITOR!

Talia: (comes out of bathroom with a toilet plunger) What?!

Anne: There is a crumb on the floor! Pick it up now!

Talia: (walks over and picks up crumb) How come I’m the janitor?

Anne: Life isn’t fair, kiddo. Live with it!

Talia: (grumbles)

Cathen: Okay, you can record now.

Kristy: (grumbles)

Cathen: Welcome to the Anne and Cathen Show, where we interview LOTR characters.

Anne: We’ll ask them questions and reveal answers, because that’s what a talk show does!

Talia: No kidding, Detective.

Anne: Go plunge your toilets!

Cathen: Let’s introduce our interviewee, Legolas!

Legolas: (walks in waving) Hi!

Anne: Hey, buddy! There’s no audience.

Legolas: Why not?

Anne: Well, this isn’t really a talk show. We’re just people put into a story described as a talk show and-

Cathen: I think we get it!

Anne: Right. Sorry.

Legolas: (sits down)

Cathen: So, Legolas, how do you feel about the recent rumors about you being drunk and having sex with a dwarf who you didn’t know?

Legolas: Well, I did get drunk but…

Anne: He admits it!

Legolas: NO! No, there was no sex. I just got drunk, okay?

Anne: But can we say that you had sex with a dwarf you didn’t know?

Legolas: Why?

Anne: It would be a great publicity statement.

Legolas: I don’t-

Cathen: Wait! Let’s say that it was a male dwarf!

Legolas: NO!

Cathen: Okay, next question.

Legolas: Please.

Cathen: There has also been talk of a gay Legolas fan group. How do you feel about that?

Legolas: Well, I don’t have a problem with it.

Anne: Did you hear that?! He likes it!

Legolas: That’s not what I said!

Anne: Oh, this is precious! He has just revealed he’s a homosexual.

Legolas: No, I like women!

Cathen: A bisexual, I see!

Legolas: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! (Runs away)

(Complete silence except for the sound of plunging toilets)

Anne: Was that our fault?

Cathen: Yeah, I think so. Oh well. We can always bring him back.

Anne: Yeah, that’s true.

Cathen: (turns to camera) Well, join us next time on the Anne and Cathen Show! We’re just two weirdoes waiting to talk to our LOTR idols.


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