Legolas and the Three Orcs

Intro: (Three orcs are sitting at a table)
Mamma Orc: Ewwww! This meat isn’t rotten enough! Lets go outside and let this meat rot for a while, and maybe some clueless elf will wander into our house and take advantage of our stuff.
Baby Orc: Okay! And when we get back, we’ll beat the crap out of him!
Papa Orc: Sounds good. Let’s go!

(Legolas is walking down the road, singing).
Legolas: (Singing) Oh here I go a walking, la la la la la la! With the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees! Fa la la la la la la la LAAAAAAAA! (He walks a little farther, looking around).
Legolas: Hmmmm… I wonder where Mirkwood could be? Oh well, maybe I’ll just find a nice little house in the middle of the woods, with rotting meat and hard chairs and a bed where I’ll probably be ambushed by orcs… (He sees house) Oh! What a surprise! It’s a nice little house in the middle of the woods, with rotting meat and hard chairs and a bed where I’m likely to be ambushed by orcs! Who ever would have suspected this?!
(He enters house. He sees blood all over the floor and heads tacked to the walls)
Legolas: Hmmmmm… needs a little more decoration! (Sprays glitter and perfume all over the room) Okay! All better! (He walks over to the table).
Legolas: Ewww! Rotting meat! (He sprays perfume over it. The meat dissolves)
Legolas: Umm… oops! Well, it’s not my problem! (He sees the orc’s ale) Ooooh! I wonder what it’s like to be drunk??? (He takes a swig of the ale)
Legolas! Wooooo! Strong stuff! (He starts to waver, almost fall over) Whoa… I feel dwunk and dizzy… maybe I’ll jusht sit down for a minute…
Legolas: (sits down in Papa orc’s chair) Ooh- this chair is too hard! (Sits in Mamma orc’s chair. He sinks into it like quicksand) Ooh- this chair is too soft! (He sits down in Baby orc’s chair) Ooh- this chair is JUST RIGHT!
Chair: (In robot voice) Unfamiliar pretty boy detected! Chair will self destruct in 5… 4… 3…
Legolas: Aahhhh… This is the life!
Chair: 2… 1… BOOM! (Chair explodes, Legolas falls on the ground)
Legolas: Owww! My butt! My perfect, beautiful butt! (Stands up and sticks out his butt)
Legolas: Look at it! Look at my butt! It’s a perfect circle! The worst thing you could do is try to ignore it! Celebrate it! Acknowledge it before it destroys you- (interrupted)
Reality Checker: Ummm… Legolas, you’re in Middle Earth, you haven’t been subjected to all that Brad Pitt crap, so FOCUS, ok?
Legolas: Oh… right. Well, my PERFECTLY ORDINARY butt hurts, so I’m going to go lie down in a bed where I can rest it. It’s PERFECTLY ORDINARY, by the way!
Reality Checker: …
(Legolas goes up the stairs)
Legolas: Up, up up the stairs we go… and then we come to- the bedroom. And once I go in, there’s no coming out, yes!
Gollum: Line stealer!
Legolas: Oh, shut up, you old anorexic freak!
(He opens the door, goes in he room, and sits on Papa Orc’s bed)
Legolas: Oh, dear me- it’s too hard- oh, what the heck, you readers already know which one I’m going to like!
(He lies down in Baby Orc’s bed. Meanwhile, the orcs come home).
Papa Orc: Hey, what happened to my meat? It’s dissolved!
Baby Orc: And look at my chair! It’s self-destructed! A pretty boy must have been here… (they hear Legolas snoring)
Papa Orc: Hey, do you know what it means when someone snores?
Baby Orc: An angel gets it’s wings?
Papa Orc: Oh, son, after everything I’ve taught you…
Mamma Orc: Oh, I bet the pretty boy’s upstairs… In one of our beds!
Pappa Orc: So when we peels away the blankets, and the dirty sheets, then we will find him!
Baby Orc: And stab him for meeeeeeee!
Papa and Mamma: For us.
Baby Orc: Well, yes, I meant for us…
Gollum: Hey- there’s something wrong here…
(The orcs go upstairs. They find Legolas in Baby Orc’s bed. Pappa Orc pulls down the covers.)
Pappa Orc: Wakey wakey, big blond fakey!
Legolas: Ahhh! Ewww, you’re old!
Papa Orc: Well, yes, but-
Legolas: Oh, you’re like the cript keeper!
Papa Orc: Okay, this has just gone far enough…
Legolas and Pappa Orc: AAAHHHHH! (Legolas screams and runs away, escaping)
Mamma Orc: Hey, how could you let him escape?
Baby Bear: Yeah, that’s the second one this week!
Papa Orc: Well, I guess pretty boys are just more street smart then they used to be, son.
All: SIGH.