LegolasÂ’ Inbox: After Gondor
By: KeeperofEowynsSword

A/N: In my letters from crazy ‘fangurlz’, I apologize if your name was used and you felt offended. I just picked random names, and that is what I will continue to do. I’m sorry if any of the formatting in this story is a bit off, especially since this is my first story on ff.net. Note that this takes place during the short time span after Aragorn becomes King and before Elrond departs for the Grey Havens. As before, please tell me if you review whether you want more!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: We were so close!

I canÂ’t believe how close we were to beating The Two Twins Sent Personally From Hell to Ruin EstelÂ’s Life! I should have known they had another wicked trick up their sleeveÂ… but I honestly wasnÂ’t expecting to open the banquet hall doors and have several gallons of water and a few buckets fall on my head! That was terrible. Arwen actually thought it was funnyÂ… but then a day after you and Gimli left, the twins stole all of her clothing that they could find and hid it. I guess it was revenge for helping us paint their horses. Anyway, they were just found by a servant. Guess where they were? Strewn across the branches of the highest tree in Minas Tirith!
How is GimliÂ’s beard doing?
-Strider

P.S. Elladan and Elrohir left last night, sometime after I had gone to bed. Unfortunately, that gave them enough time to steal all the roosters they could find and place them in the royal bedroom. I never want to have another morning like that again.

P.P.S. I like my long e-mail address.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: My beard

Legolas,
I should never have let you talk me into aiding Aragorn. Do you realize that now that the twins have chopped my beard off it will take years to grow back? Blasted Elves. That was low even for them! If I had been awake at the time I would have murdered them!
As it turns out, the Dwarves were all sober when I got back. Or at least sober enough to notice that I had only two inches of beard left. I am now the laughingstock of the entire Lonely Mountain.
How come you got off the hook so easy? All they did to you was hang your quiver on a flag pole above the Tower of Ecthelion!
I am never letting you plan a vacation for me again.
-Gimli

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Need a fangirl?

Hi hottie,

Do YOU need a fangirl? or two? or three? Are you sick and tired of having no fans? Fangurlz.net has taken the liberty of compiling a Top Ten list of female candidates for your lover/fangirl. Here they are:
10. Daniella
Species: Human
Age: 17
Eyes: Deep, pure blue with gold flecks
Hair: Stunning, shoulder-length, wavy, golden

9. Crystallina
Species: Human
Age: 16
Eyes: Emerald green that turn black when danger approaches
Hair: A flooring, waist-length, straight, midnight black

8. Legolina
Species: Elf (Silvan)
Age: 2,911
Eyes: Large, sorrowful, a beautiful violet color
Hair: Perfect, wavy, floor-length golden with tasteful silver streaks

7. Estella
Species: Human
Age: 19
Eyes: Startling gray, withholding secrets of her Dark Past
Hair: Radiant, curly, flaming red

6. Vanessa
Species: Half Elf (Sindarin), half Human
Age: 22
Eyes: Intelligent, wary brown
Hair: Shoulder-length, wavy, auburn

5. Silmarillia
Species: Elf (Noldorin)
Age: “Older than the skies above us”
Eyes: Bright, piercing silver
Hair: Chest-length, straight, raven black

4. Jacquelina
Species: Human
Age: 15
Eyes: Pure, deep, large, sea-colored blue
Hair: Shoulder-length, perfectly thick, wavy brown (with golden highlights)

3. Amarië
Species: Elf (Sindarin)
Age: 2,930
Eyes: Inquisitive, knowledgeable, beautiful green, harboring secrets of her Abusive Past
Hair: Knee-length, faultless, straight, silver

2. Jade
Species: Human
Age: 24
Eyes: Fathomless black
Hair: Flowing, wavy, darker-than-midnight

And our number one pick isÂ…

1. Ierhírilantaessemelnacalenlas
Species: Elf (Noldorin/Silvan/Sindarin)
Age: “Older than the world itself”, yet not too old for our favorite prince!
Eyes: Perfect green/faultless blue/blinding silver/flaming gold/midnight black/auburn-flecked-with-emerald
Hair: The most beautiful golden color ever to grace Middle-earth/the most beautiful midnight black color to grace Middle-earth

So hurry and take your pick! E-mail back when you have chosen and we will have your choice descend from the clouds into Mirkwood/Lothlórien/Rivendell at the soonest date!

-Fangurlz.net

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Be rid of Pesky Fangirls!

Are YOU sick and tired of having Pesky Fangirls™ following you around? Are you tired of Pesky Fangirls™ dropping out of the sky and swooning at your feet? Well now you can be rid of them! All you have to do is follow these simple steps:

1. Whatever you do, DON’T get a girlfriend. This will result in her untimely death faster than you can say “I love you”. If anything, this encourages more Pesky Fangirls™ to appear in the nearest Elven land.
2. Point the other way. “Prince of what? Legolas who? No, I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of him… I look just like him? Hmm, that’s odd. Well, maybe you can try finding him in… erm… Lothlórien… I believe he went there to visit recently…” This method works on the least knowledgeable Pesky Fangirls™ who will believe that there is a Legolas look-alike somewhere in the world, because “all Elves are really hot and have blonde hair and blue eyes except for Aragorn’s girlfriend and that Elrond guy!”
3. Avoid clearings/rivers in any forest. That is where the Pesky Fangirls™ will most likely appear.
4. NEVER LOOK INTO THEIR EYES! If you do so, you will immediately fall under their spell. They have the power to seduce at first sight.
5. Never believe their Story of Their Tragic Past. It is a wicked, tricksy, and false lie on their part to make you sympathetic for them! In other words, it is another way to get you to love them!
6. And finally, for your own safety, never hesitate to kill any woman, whether it be Elf, Human, or half Elf/Human that falls out of the sky/appears out of nowhere/seems to attract large numbers of fluffy animals.

We hope this helps you keep the Pesky Fangirls™ to a minimum.

With best regards,
The Exterminators of Pesky Fangirls™

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: (none)

LEGOLAS! O M LIKE G I HAVE YOUR E LIKE MAIL ADDRESS! YOU ARE SO LIKE HOT! I LOVE YOU! I HAVE SO MANY POSTERS OF LIKE, YOU! ON MY WALL! AND OR LIKE LANDO TOO! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE THE LIKE BEST! OMG LEGO LIKE LAS PLEASE E-MAIL ME LIKE BACK!

~~~~~~~~~~CLAR LIKE ISSA~~~~~~~~~~

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Elladan and Elrohir

Prince Legolas,

If my sons attempt to e-mail you, inform me of this offense. I have grounded them and taken their Internet privileges away from them. I am terribly sorry for the pranks they have played.

Lord Elrond

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Gondor

Legolas,
Did you ever get your quiver down from the tower? Is GimliÂ’s beard growing back? Is Aragorn finally dry? Has Arwen gotten all her clothes back yet? Lol, we didnÂ’t exactly stay to find out.
Our dad grounded us. So donÂ’t tell him that we e-mailed you.
See you,
Elladan and Elrohir

P.S. What kind of paint did you use on our horses? It wonÂ’t come off!

To: Legolas Elladan and Elrohir Haldir
From: [email protected]
Subject: u r so hot

i luv u all coz u r all so hot i am trying 2 decide who i like better coz ur all really hot and i luv u all there are 20 billion posters of u guys on my wall i want u all 2 come over and do meÂ… lol, a big favor by all going on a date w/ me come on guys u know u want 2.
-lexi

To: Legolas Elladan and Elrohir Arwen Aragorn Lord Elrond Lady Galadriel King Thranduil Lord Celeborn Orophin Rúmil
From: haldir@ladyÂ’sguard.org
Subject: Forward

Hi all,

Copy and paste this onto a new e-mail, answer these questions, and send them to the person who sent it to you and everyone else you know. The point is to learn useless facts about your friends. Once again, Orophin sent this to me. Rúmil just got his e-mail address.

1. ARE YOU A PSYCHO? Of course not!
2. WHAT KIND OF JOB DO YOU HAVE? I am on the LadyÂ’s guard.
3. WHOÂ’S YOUR FAVORITE SINGER? This hot personÂ… whatÂ’s her nameÂ… BritneyÂ… Britney Sears? No, not SearsÂ… something along those lines anyway.
4. WHO ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF? Peter Jackson. You never know when heÂ’s going to decide to kill you.
5. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? One horse.
6. IF YOU SAW THE ONE RING ON THE GROUND WOULD YOU PICK IT UP? No. I’d page Frodo on the Palantír.
7. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? Dead Elf Number 8,342. He writes a really touching series called The DirectorÂ’s Fury: How to Deal When P.J. Wants You Killed.
8. WHATÂ’S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF ANIMAL? Horses and birds.
9. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN JEALOUS BEFORE? Yes, when I was killed in the movies and my brothers werenÂ’t. Why do they get to stay alive?
10. HAVE YOU EVER DOUBTED YOURSELF BEFORE? I refuse to answer soul-searching questionsÂ… wait, I just answered Number 9Â… and 4Â… and 1Â… well, IÂ’m not answering this one!
11. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN LOW? SomeoneÂ’s been listening to too much Kelly Clarkson.
12. IF YOU COULD SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY AND TO WHOM? I’d say to Peter Jackson: “Aren’t you satisfied by killing so many Elves that they had to take a number? STOP KILLING ELVES! AND ME! I LIVE! I AM ALIVE! GOT THAT? UNDERSTAND ME? I AM ALIVE AND KICKING!”
13. HAVE YOU EVER WRITTEN HATE MAIL TO ANYONE? No, I donÂ’t have Peter JacksonÂ’s address yet.
14. WHO IS YOUR WEIRDEST FRIEND? Well, actually, I have 3: Elladan, Elrohir, and Estel. I donÂ’t know if youÂ’ve ever watched them alone for a few hours but let me assure you that no piece of furniture is safe from being a site of intense battleÂ… no, not that way you perverts!
15. DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION THAT YOU WANT ANSWERED IMMEDIATELY? Yes, two as a matter of fact. Why was I killed in The Two Towers, and what is Lord GlorfindelÂ’s e-mail address?
16. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF FANGIRLS? They are evil menaces bred in Mordor as SauronÂ’s secret weaponÂ… before he died anyway, but they still live! Curse them!
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE? Lothlórien, obviously. My flet is really cool too, I have all these pictures of Britney Sears (?) on the trees.
18. HOW MANY PARTIES HAVE YOU BEEN TO THIS YEAR? 34, my favorite being the one where a certain brother of mine got completely trashedÂ… I donÂ’t know what he did but he ended up being slapped by this Elf woman about 57 times.
19. WHICH ARM IS YOUR GOOD ARM? Eh, I can use both for lots of different things. ItÂ’ll come in handy if one of my arms ever gets chopped off.
20. ABOUT HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO FILL THIS OUT? 5-10 minutes, tops.

-Haldir

NO FURTHER MESSAGES

A/N: That e-mail from [email protected] was fun to write, lol. Ierhírilantaessemelnacalenlas means the One Lady to Fall in Love With Greenleaf. I couldnÂ’t find Chosen so I did Lady instead. Amarië means Of the Home. Lots of lembas for Amashelle because of her ideas for this chapter! Thanks! In case anyone was wondering, they were Need a Fangirl? and To Be Rid of that Insane Fan that Just Won’t Leave You Alone! I didnÂ’t get the wording right in the chapter but that was where the idea came from. Thanks!