By: Annie Kresge
(Dedicated to Orlando Bloom–you called it your Lembas commercial, so I give you a Lembas infomercial)

(Intro) Legolas: Hello and welcome. For the next hour I’m going to be talking about something that has kept me from starving and helped me stay in my best elven shape–this miracle thing is Lembas bread. I invite you to hear about Lembas and hopefully it will help you, like many others, from starving on long, hard, and perilous trips to destroy different items of jewelry.
To begin this program we’ll be talking to someone who knows first hand how Lembas is a blessing and wonderfully appetizing food–Samwise Gamgee.

Sam: Hello Mr. Legolas.

Legolas: Greetings Sam. Would you like to tell the audience what you think of Lembas?

Sam: No sir, I would not. Lembas is a terrible thing–nothing like a good roasted chicken, or some fried fish with nice golden brown taters.

Legolas: (whispers) Sam, your supposed to be telling people why they SHOULD buy Lembas.

Sam: Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Legolas. I can’t do that. Not after Peter Jackson put that awful new scene of Gollum throwing the Lembas down the mountain and accusing me of eating it. Especially since Mr. Frodo told me to go home. It broke my heart. Plus I looked really fat in the scene. Aren’t I supposed to lose weight as the trip goes on, not gain it?

Legolas: Well, that was the idea, but since it was all shot out of order it didn’t really work that way.

Sam: Yeah, they should have paid closer attention to detail, especially when it came to your eyes, Mr. Legolas.

(Legolas, in total shock, hoping that Sam won’t out him for wearing color contacts)

Sam: Not to be rude, but you kept forgetting to put your color contacts in. You don’t have real blue eyes. Not like Mr. Frodo. I wish people would get off him for wearing contacts. There clear. Not like yours, Mr. Legolas.

Legolas: Apparently our first guest is having a slight problem with memory mix-up.

(Sam being dragged off the stage)

Legolas: On to the next guest, Frodo Baggins himself. Hello Frodo. (Whispers) did you remember to smuggle in my Herbal Essences?

Frodo: Yes Legolas, I have your nice ‘manly’ shampoo. (Snickers)

(Flabbergasted that Frodo was being so careless; Legolas quickly comes up with a very believable cover up)

Legolas: (Glaring at Frodo) Shampoo, as some of you may not know, is a code name for ‘Lembas’ that Frodo and I made up. So Frodo, tell everyone how Lembas got you through some very difficult times.

Frodo: Well, since the movie seemed to show that all the Lembas was lost when the writers decided Gollum would throw it down the cliff, based on that, Sam and I didn’t eat when we were in Mordor. So Lembas didn’t really help me.

Legolas: (to himself) and they say that hobbits like to eat and talk about food. Bah!
(To Frodo) Do you have anything good to say about Lembas?

Frodo: Other than that it made me forget the taste of all other food and gave me great misery, no. Maybe it would be good with apple juice. I think I’ll try that!

Legolas: Ok, bring out the Lembas and apple juice!

(Man brings out an empty plate and a baby bottle half full of apple juice)

Legolas: What happened to all the lembas?!

Frodo: I may look like I’m a little boy, but a bottle? Is that really necessary?

Man: well, Legolas, sir, didn’t you remember that your next guests are Merry and Pippin? And about the bottle–the only apple juice around was Arwen and Aragorn’s kid’s…

(Arwen running out onto stage looking sweetly angry)

Arwen: (in a very sweet way) What do you think you’re doing? I should kill you all except for the fact that I can’t fight. They only made me look like I could in the movie because of feminists. Really all I do is lie around and sew really big sails for my then boyfriend-now-husband to put on ships that he captures.

Legolas: And you could have been making sails for me…At least our baby would never smell and would have fantastic hair.

(Aragorn comes out holding Elendil)

Aragorn: Hello Legolas…

(Legolas sees Aragorn. His eyes get big and he whips his bow out)

Legolas: You would die before your stroke fell!

Aragorn: What? Is there a reason I should kill you?

Legolas: Oh, nothing, nothing, no reason.

Aragorn: Okay, I’ll be taking the apple juice now.

Frodo: Awwww. (In whiney voice) But I want apple juice!

Legolas: On to our next guests… Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took!

(Come out holding they’re stomachs looking like they’ll pass out. Both of them groaning)

Legolas: How many did you two have!?

Merry: (burp) four

Pippin: each

Legolas: This is a great example for the slogan of Lembas bread–“Lembas, one small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a full grown man”. So four pieces will cause a little hobbit to blow up!

(Merry and Pippin look at each other and start running around like beheaded chicken)

Legolas: Great, just great. (Shakes head in embarrassment. Then states the obvious) this room is filled with ninnies. (Whispers to the director) This isn’t working. Do you mind if I try a different approach?

Director: Of course not. Just don’t try anything like…

(Legolas flips a bottle of Herbal Essences open and starts vigorously shampooing his hair)

Director: …That

Legolas: If you want beautiful, long locks like mine all you need to do is eat lembas bread!

(Legolas’s head full of suds. Live Camera’s still rolling)

Director: CUT! If someone wanted hair like yours wouldn’t they need to use Herbal Essences not… That’s beside the point. This is an embarrassment to the company, Legolas. I think we’re going to have to find a new spokesperson. I’m sorry.

Legolas: NOOO. I’m perfect. You didn’t even let me get to the best part! Give me one more chance. (Pouts with head still full of suds. Gets a sparkle in his eye and starts to rinse and blow-dry his hair)
Notice how I have no split ends and the blow-dryer seems to have no affect whatsoever on my hair? Well it’s because of Lembas bread…No wait. It’s not from Lembas bread. It’s because I’m a perfect specimen of Elf. (Whips out mirror and gazes at himself)

Merry: Legolas, you’re a Narcissist.

Pippin: What’s a narcissist?

Merry: I have no idea.

Pippin: Do they come in pints?