Disclaimer: I own none of the characters.

Goldilocks parodies: Glorfindel and Arwen

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Once upon a time, Goldilocks lived in a beautiful white city named Gondolin. But one day, some really mean people attacked his city. Goldilocks had to help defend Gondolin. So he went to go get ready.

First he wanted to get some muffins, ’cause he was hungry. The first batch was too hot. The second batch had peanuts, which gave him an allergic reaction. The third batch was just right, and he ate them all up.

Then he wanted to get a sword. The first one he tried was too big and he couldn’t lift it. The second one was too soft and bent if it touched anything, including air. The third sword was just right.

Then Goldilocks wanted to find someone to fight. The Dragons were too big and breathed fire. The Orcs were too ugly and called him names, like Glorfindel. The Balrog was just right, and they both fell into the abyss and lived happily ever after, except for the Balrog.

Or Goldilocks, for that matter.

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Once upon a time there was a beautiful she-elf named Really-Dark-Almost-Black-In-Some-Lights-But-Actually-Brownilocks. She was often called Arwen for short.

She was also often called Floatplane Fencepost, but that’s a different story. It involves a Floatplane and a Fencepost. (“Who would put a fence in the lake?”)

Well, once upon a time there was a girl who we shall call “Brownilocks” and she lived in Rivendell. Brownilocks was a Pretty Princess, and she was very proud of her title. So she needed to get ready to go to the ball.

First she needed a dress. The first one she tried on was too big and made her look fat, plus it had a bad habit of falling off if she so much as blinked. The second was too slippery and she couldn’t even grab it. The third dress was just right, and she wore it all night long.

Then she decided to find a necklace. The first one she tried was too big, and she couldn’t lift her head. The second one was too soft, and tickled her throat. The third necklace was just right, and even matched the dress!

Then Brownilocks decided she needed a date. The first one was too big, and looked fat. The second one was too hairy, and looked wimpy. The third guy was just right, and she dated him all week before dumping him. And so, they lived happily ever after. They even ended up married. To other people.