Mirkwood Mall by Namesake
Chapter One: A Conspiracy Unmasked
Thranduil: Hello, and welcome to the grand opening of the Mirkwood Mall! Today scores of celebrities have gathered to purchase the wonderful products sold here.
Elrond: (holding microphone under Thranduil’s noise) We heard that a spider attack was expected. Have your warriors prepared for such an event?
Thranduil: Of course. Everything will be fine. We have the best security guards and a lot of advanced weaponry for emergencies.
Legolas: (running up in security guard uniform) Excuse me, Lord Elrond. Father! We have a case of poisoning!
Thranduil: Oh dear. Elrond, would you excuse me for a minute?
Elrond: Sure. (He takes a few steps away, and then lingers, listening.)
Legolas: Lady Galadriel fell asleep after drinking some water from the new high-tech water fountain!
Thranduil: Well, go fix it. Keep everyone under control. Don’t let anyone panic.
Legolas: (Dashes off.)
-Meanwhile-
Arwen: What a beautiful place for a honeymoon!
Aragorn: (eyes glazed) This is a horrible nightmare.
Arwen: Look at all the wonderful shops! (Totes her ‘shop-til-I-drop’ handbag)
Aragorn: Why don’t you go to the jewelry store, dear. I’ll go look for a bar.
Arwen: No, darling, I absolutely put my foot down. You are not drinking.
Aragorn: But, Arwen, please! Think of my happiness!
Arwen: Really, Aragorn. Your happiness? If those rangers encouraged you to drink, I’m glad I saved you from their influence!
Aragorn: I happened to like my ranger pals. At least they didn’t drag me to malls.
Arwen: Shopping is an exciting and constructive activity.
Aragorn: (looks for a sword to fling himself on)
(Gollum walks by. He is selling fish and chips.)
Gollum: Would you like some fish and chipses, precious?
Arwen: Keep your slimy fish and chips away from me, you revolting creature!
Gollum: They aren’t slimy, precious. They are nice and fresh.
Arwen: You mean ‘raw’, don’t you?
Gollum: (nods)
Arwen: (faints)
Aragorn: Thank you, Gollum. Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Turns and runs for his life.)
Legolas: (dragging Galadriel through the mall and trying to look casual) Oh Aragorn, would you help me for a moment?
Aragorn: No. I’m trying to escape.
Legolas: Why? What’s wrong with shopping?
Aragorn: Elves are seriously messed-up.
Legolas: (continues dragging Galadriel) I am insulted. I hope you never get out of here.
Aragorn: Great security guard you turned out to be.
Legolas: (evil laughter)
Aragorn: (hurries away)
Legolas: Rats. Not another body lying around. (kicks Arwen gloomily)
-Meanwhile-
Elladan: I am tired of waiting for people to visit our shop.
Elrohir: So am I. Let’s waylay some people and make them buy our merchandise.
Elladan and Elrohir: (think happy thoughts)
(Saruman walks by. Elladan and Elrohir pounce on him)
Elrohir: Buy our stuff!
Saruman: (confused) What stuff?
Elladan: (points to sign that says: Elladan and Elrohir’s Insect Store. Underneath it reads: Buy a Bug! Saruman shudders)
Saruman: I do not wish to buy an insect. I do not like insects.
Elladan: You must buy a bug or you will have one dropped down your throat.
Saruman: I’ll buy a bug.
Elrohir: It would be wise.
Saruman: That sounds vaguely like my line.
(Aragorn dashes by)
Aragorn: Must get out. Must get out. Must get out.
Legolas: He’s escaping!
Elladan and Elrohir: We’ll get him for you! (Enthusiastically tackle a passing hobbit. Saruman scrabbles away)
Sam: I’m not escaping!
Elladan: Oops. Sorry.
Legolas: Aragorn’s escaping. You can’t let him get away!
Elrohir: You’re the security guard, Legolas. Get him yourself.
(Legolas snatches a plastic tray from a fast food restaurant and jumps on it, sliding towards an escalator. He hits the escalator and flips over, crashing down the rotten contraption very ungracefully. Aragorn sprints on.)
Haldir: Don’t worry, Legolas! I’ll get him!
Legolas: (unconscious)
(Haldir and his brother grab Aragorn and drag him away.)
Aragorn: It’s a conspiracy! Get out while you still can! The end is near!
Frodo: (walks past shaking head sorrowfully) Alas for the folly of these days.
Legolas: (wakes up) The shield worked so much better. I think I’ll sue.
Celeborn: Has anyone seen my wife?
Legolas: (glances around warily) No, Lord Celeborn.
Celeborn: Are you crossing your fingers?
Legolas: No.
Celeborn: Hmm. I’m glad she’s gone. Now I can shop where *I* want to!
Legolas: That’s the spirit. Be independent.
Celeborn: Thank you. I think I will.
(Glorfindel rides by on Asfaloth. Legolas jumps to his feet.)
Legolas: Lord Glorfindel! No horses are allowed in here!
Glorfindel: Said who?
Legolas: Uh. . .me?
Glorfindel: I’m sorry. I don’t wish to comply with your unjust demands.
Legolas: Huh?
Glorfindel: Means ‘no’.
Legolas: Ah.
Sam: Excuse me, Mister Legolas, but my Venus Hobbit Trap got away!
Legolas: You were in charge of the horticulture store, weren’t you?
Sam: I was. Then I left Mister Frodo in charge and he let my Venus Hobbit Trap get away!
Legolas: Are you sure it didn’t eat him?
Sam: Eep! (Dashes off.)
Arwen: (wanders by) Have you seen my husband?
Legolas: No. Apparently there is a dangerous plant loose in the store, so be ever watchful.
Arwen: Sure.
Legolas: (hurries off to alert the other security guards)
Eomer: Does anyone know the way out of here?
Aragorn: (in sunglasses and long coat. He is obviously in disguise. Whispers out of the side of his mouth) Pst, Eomer!
Eomer: Did someone say something?
Aragorn: Yes. This is a horrible conspiracy. We are all doomed. This mall was designed for a single purpose: to destroy the world of men.
Eomer: (gulps)
Arwen: (bangs into Aragorn) Oh, excuse me sir. (walks on)
Aragorn: Quick, Eomer. This way!
TBC
84 Comments
Erestor! *big grin* You found somewhere to post this, I see.
Love it, as usual.
This story was very funny. I loved how you made Aragorn try to escape and noone could hardly catch him. Anyway sorry I am bad at reviewing anad spelling I made three mistakes and had to fix them luickily you can’t tell but ANYWAY I loved this story
This story is really funny. Please continue, I need to laugh at something. ;-D
lol.you haveto make more.i LOVED it!
Yay! You got it up! *claps*
Vair vair amusing. It was a bit confusing, though. I enjoyed how Aragorn was trying to escape and the elves didn’t understand his lack of love for shopping. The dialogue was a bit choppy.
That was very well done, I like how you used the characters “true” personalities. You really thought it out well! FUNNY!!!!!!!
I cracked up while reading the first chapter! I can’t wait to read the next one.
Ha ha this is great!! needs more Merry and Pippin! LoL, love it xxx
Lol. Will Turner…What would happen if Legolas met him I wonder??? He he. Good story. *waits for chapter 3*
Will’s in this? Who else from ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’?
This chapter was very funny. I feel mad for Legolas though.Will there be another chapter?
Very, very funny! What if that really happened in Middle-Earth….. Oo! How fun!
Once again, a hilarious chapter. Please make more!
P.S. I made a story called Marriage Mayhem. Please read and review!
I don’t blam Erestor. Slits are scary.
This is good. Please continue.
I LUV THIS STORY! plz, plz, plz write more chapters! like 20 more!oh and poor legolas! his face turned green! oh how horrible for the hottest guy in middle earth to have that happen!luv it all! keep writing!
THat was awesome!!!! keep it comin!!!!
If i could think of other words besides “that was hilarious and awesome!!” i would write them down!! 🙂
Can’t wait for the next one!!!! 🙂
I loved it! Please write more!!!
HahahahOof.*Falls out of chair* This is great! Hurry and post more!
Lol… *dumps a bucket of water on Legolas’ head* That’s for being an idiot!! *maniacal laughter* *runs away*
This story is really good, i hope u add a new chapter soon.
One word: Hilarious!
Ai, very funny. Please write more!
I love this story! Please add on! The more the better!!!
How do they even have lembas to sell when only Haldir can count?
I LOVE THIS STORY!! PLEASE PM me when you post more.
this is a very funny story
okay…now a venus horse trap…what next a venus pirate trap??? lol can’t wait for the chapter!!! *runs off to local mall*
Keep it coming, this story is awseome!!
Asfaloth rules. Eowyn needs to learn Elvish.
Squee!!!! Haha that was very good when is chapter 8 coming out 8 sits down and waits for days and days till it finally comes then goes crazy* *saying My Precioussssss………… over the fan fiction
Reading this story on the library computer was a bad, bad idea. But I love this story–well done, and keep it up! I think my favorite part was Celeborn’s opinion of what Galadriel would sell in her shop, but it’s hard to single out one thing to like. It just builds. Anyway, keep up the great work!
This story rocks! I love the various trap-plants!
Yayness! This story rocks!!!!
*laughs hysterically* I love this! Make more chapters, mellon! Yay!
LOL!!! I love it! Simply hilarious! More, more!
The craziness continues, please post more!!
Haha Venus horse and man trap thats hilarious…… (Now I get to wait on chpt 9)) hehe whats goin to be in that one where the venus trap starts goin after like a certain like a venus legolas trap or something jk……. welll thats was a great fan fiction haha
Owwies… Poor Glorfy. *snickers*
I love it! Especially the Venus hobbit/elf/horse/man trap! lol! Pleeeeeease keep writing!!!
VERY FUNNY! Can’t wait for the next chapter! Must know what happens to Faramir…
I loooooooooooove it! Can’t wait for next part!
This totally rocks!!!!
haha That was like hilarious dude hehe *impatitiontly waits for chpt 10*
yay!!!!!! next chapter next chapter!
i luv ur story!
write more!
soon!
can’t wait!
Duckie, this is so funny!
‘Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, we have a slight problem.’ *snickers*
Lol this is so funny! Please continue!
For the mall, for your people. *maniacal laughter* *waits with IloveOB_TH for next chapter as they throw pudding at random people [long story short…she is my BFF and we have a strange obsession w/ throwing pudding]*
haha u have many talents thanx for writing 10 now what about 11
He he…Fire at will *maniacal laughter* At least they didn’t blow up the wall… *goes back to throwing pudding while she waits for the next chapter*
All I can say is….I looooooove it!
This story just keeps getting better and better. I esspecially love the parralles. Write more soon please!
Hilarious! Anyway, what happened to poor Faramir who’s dangling from the skylight? Write more!
That’s really good! I like the Helm’s Deep theme with the spiders, lol! good idea! keep up the good work!!!!!!
*Giggle**Laugh**snort**cough*choke**hack* *gurgle*die*
FUNNY
Lol…Well…the mall just blew up…that can’t be good…he he. I wonder what will happen to…well…everyone! Lol…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHBWA i mean HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH My fingers hurt. that was funny
OMG!!! I WANT MORE!!!!
Keep the story coming, and i’ll keep checking back. I love this story!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the best fan-fic I’ve ever read! I just can’t wait for the rest!!!:D
RABBID DOGS. sorry that was a really good story I enjoy it very much. Esspesily*giggle* when the mall *giggle* it blew up HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I apologige. where was i, o yes that was very funny could you please write more *eye twitches* pretty please with a BIG RED LUSHIOS CHERRY on top with whipped cream and bananas and ice cream and *mutters*
lol!!!! Thats was hilarious…… I am so glad you finally got chapter 12 done *quietly wait for 13 to be released*
funny really funny!! Its awesome
i loved loved loved your story! who really did block up all the entrances? i must know! will gondor build a mall in the sequel to trap all the elves? mwahahahaha that would be interesting..or the hobbits…..everyone would be hitting their head on the ceiling….lol well yah….. can’t wait for sequel!
~Lady Greenleaf~
Hurrah! Mirkwood Mall is no more!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! THAT WAS SOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY YOU DID SUCH AN AWSOME JOB!!!! PLEASE WRITE ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M STILL LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL LOL LOL
Lol!…Legolas has a beard?…Strange… 😉
I think you’re having way too much fun with this story. Don’t stop!! Post mores!!!!!!!!!
See last review (posted by me)
Ahhh….so it was Gimli who barred the exits!
This is amazingly funny, carn’t wait for the rest of the extended scenes!!!
lol, i loved ur story! Is that really all? Really wish for more; it’s all so hilarious!
keep writing!
LOL!!! that was hilarious…
Oh, my goodness. I should have known. I love the argument between Arwen and Aragorn, and Sam and the Venus Hobbit Trap! But of course, it’s you. So I’m not surprised!
~Avie~
hello~! great extended senes!
can’t wait to read your sequel1 could you post it in chapter 15? or at least message me the name of it so i can find it?
my registered name is GangstaG just incase!
~Lady Greenleaf
hey C- this is A.S.
god, love your story, so funny, it makes my day, thanks for showing it to me in guitar.
~A~
Funny!
this is a funny story!!!!!!!!!!!!:D
Awesome i really enjoy it have read all of the stories
This story is so hilarious, please make more!