Chapter One: A Conspiracy Unmasked

Thranduil: Hello, and welcome to the grand opening of the Mirkwood Mall! Today scores of celebrities have gathered to purchase the wonderful products sold here.

Elrond: (holding microphone under Thranduil’s noise) We heard that a spider attack was expected. Have your warriors prepared for such an event?

Thranduil: Of course. Everything will be fine. We have the best security guards and a lot of advanced weaponry for emergencies.

Legolas: (running up in security guard uniform) Excuse me, Lord Elrond. Father! We have a case of poisoning!

Thranduil: Oh dear. Elrond, would you excuse me for a minute?

Elrond: Sure. (He takes a few steps away, and then lingers, listening.)

Legolas: Lady Galadriel fell asleep after drinking some water from the new high-tech water fountain!

Thranduil: Well, go fix it. Keep everyone under control. Don’t let anyone panic.

Legolas: (Dashes off.)

-Meanwhile-

Arwen: What a beautiful place for a honeymoon!

Aragorn: (eyes glazed) This is a horrible nightmare.

Arwen: Look at all the wonderful shops! (Totes her ‘shop-til-I-drop’ handbag)

Aragorn: Why don’t you go to the jewelry store, dear. I’ll go look for a bar.
Arwen: No, darling, I absolutely put my foot down. You are not drinking.

Aragorn: But, Arwen, please! Think of my happiness!

Arwen: Really, Aragorn. Your happiness? If those rangers encouraged you to drink, I’m glad I saved you from their influence!

Aragorn: I happened to like my ranger pals. At least they didn’t drag me to malls.

Arwen: Shopping is an exciting and constructive activity.

Aragorn: (looks for a sword to fling himself on)

(Gollum walks by. He is selling fish and chips.)

Gollum: Would you like some fish and chipses, precious?

Arwen: Keep your slimy fish and chips away from me, you revolting creature!

Gollum: They aren’t slimy, precious. They are nice and fresh.

Arwen: You mean ‘raw’, don’t you?

Gollum: (nods)

Arwen: (faints)

Aragorn: Thank you, Gollum. Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Turns and runs for his life.)

Legolas: (dragging Galadriel through the mall and trying to look casual) Oh Aragorn, would you help me for a moment?

Aragorn: No. I’m trying to escape.

Legolas: Why? What’s wrong with shopping?

Aragorn: Elves are seriously messed-up.

Legolas: (continues dragging Galadriel) I am insulted. I hope you never get out of here.

Aragorn: Great security guard you turned out to be.

Legolas: (evil laughter)

Aragorn: (hurries away)

Legolas: Rats. Not another body lying around. (kicks Arwen gloomily)

-Meanwhile-
Elladan: I am tired of waiting for people to visit our shop.

Elrohir: So am I. Let’s waylay some people and make them buy our merchandise.

Elladan and Elrohir: (think happy thoughts)

(Saruman walks by. Elladan and Elrohir pounce on him)

Elrohir: Buy our stuff!

Saruman: (confused) What stuff?

Elladan: (points to sign that says: Elladan and Elrohir’s Insect Store. Underneath it reads: Buy a Bug! Saruman shudders)

Saruman: I do not wish to buy an insect. I do not like insects.

Elladan: You must buy a bug or you will have one dropped down your throat.

Saruman: I’ll buy a bug.

Elrohir: It would be wise.

Saruman: That sounds vaguely like my line.

(Aragorn dashes by)

Aragorn: Must get out. Must get out. Must get out.

Legolas: He’s escaping!

Elladan and Elrohir: We’ll get him for you! (Enthusiastically tackle a passing hobbit. Saruman scrabbles away)

Sam: I’m not escaping!

Elladan: Oops. Sorry.

Legolas: Aragorn’s escaping. You can’t let him get away!

Elrohir: You’re the security guard, Legolas. Get him yourself.

(Legolas snatches a plastic tray from a fast food restaurant and jumps on it, sliding towards an escalator. He hits the escalator and flips over, crashing down the rotten contraption very ungracefully. Aragorn sprints on.)

Haldir: Don’t worry, Legolas! I’ll get him!

Legolas: (unconscious)

(Haldir and his brother grab Aragorn and drag him away.)

Aragorn: It’s a conspiracy! Get out while you still can! The end is near!

Frodo: (walks past shaking head sorrowfully) Alas for the folly of these days.

Legolas: (wakes up) The shield worked so much better. I think I’ll sue.

Celeborn: Has anyone seen my wife?

Legolas: (glances around warily) No, Lord Celeborn.

Celeborn: Are you crossing your fingers?

Legolas: No.

Celeborn: Hmm. I’m glad she’s gone. Now I can shop where *I* want to!

Legolas: That’s the spirit. Be independent.

Celeborn: Thank you. I think I will.

(Glorfindel rides by on Asfaloth. Legolas jumps to his feet.)

Legolas: Lord Glorfindel! No horses are allowed in here!

Glorfindel: Said who?

Legolas: Uh. . .me?

Glorfindel: I’m sorry. I don’t wish to comply with your unjust demands.

Legolas: Huh?

Glorfindel: Means ‘no’.

Legolas: Ah.

Sam: Excuse me, Mister Legolas, but my Venus Hobbit Trap got away!

Legolas: You were in charge of the horticulture store, weren’t you?

Sam: I was. Then I left Mister Frodo in charge and he let my Venus Hobbit Trap get away!

Legolas: Are you sure it didn’t eat him?

Sam: Eep! (Dashes off.)

Arwen: (wanders by) Have you seen my husband?

Legolas: No. Apparently there is a dangerous plant loose in the store, so be ever watchful.

Arwen: Sure.

Legolas: (hurries off to alert the other security guards)

Eomer: Does anyone know the way out of here?

Aragorn: (in sunglasses and long coat. He is obviously in disguise. Whispers out of the side of his mouth) Pst, Eomer!

Eomer: Did someone say something?

Aragorn: Yes. This is a horrible conspiracy. We are all doomed. This mall was designed for a single purpose: to destroy the world of men.

Eomer: (gulps)

Arwen: (bangs into Aragorn) Oh, excuse me sir. (walks on)

Aragorn: Quick, Eomer. This way!

TBC

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