One Fan to Rule Them All
By GreenCat3…sort of

Disclaimer: I do not purport to own Lord of the Rings, Sean Bean, or Futurama, or even this script, from http://www.geocities.com/theneutralplanet/transcripts/season4/4ACV11.html. Heck, I don’t even own 20 Warhammer models.

[Opening Credits. Caption: One Fan to Rule Them All.]
[Scene: In the establishing shot Star Trek-like music plays and the Planet Express ship flies through space with the trademark warp nacelles featured in Star Trek attached to it. Elijah Wood speaks.]
Elijah [from ship]: There and Back Again…Again, an actor’s tale.
[Cut to: Ship’s Cargo Bay. The room has been converted to resemble a court setting. Zapp Brannigan is judge while Bender and Leela sit with the heads in jars of Sean Astin, Sean Bean, Viggo Mortensen, Elijah Wood, Orlando Bloom, Dominic Monaghan, Hugo Weaving, Billy Boyd, John Rhys-Davies, Christopher Lee, Liv Tyler looking a mite crispy, and Sir Ian McKellen.]
Elijah: The impossible has happened. It would take days to recount the event’s I’ve witnessed. So, settle in. It all began –
[Zapp interrupts.]
Zapp: Quiet you! This court martial is now in session! The honorably sexy Zapp Brannigan presiding. [A “yeah, sure” is heard from one of the heads] Bring in the accused!
[Kif enters with Fry. Fry is in the wheelchair used by Captain Pike in the Star Trek episode The Menagerie. Fry looks paralyzed. The heads gasp.]
Sir Ian: Oh my!
Zapp: Philip J. Fry, you stand accused of traveling to the forbidden planet Omega 3, a crime punishable by 12 concurrent death sentences. You understand the charges?
[Kif leans over Fry’s shoulder.]
Kif: One beep for “Yes,” two beeps for “No.”
[Fry beeps once.]
Zapp: “Yes,” so noted. Do you plead guilty? [Fry beeps twice.] Double “Yes.” Guilty! I will now carry out the punishment. Kif, my gun.
Leela: Wait! He pleaded not guilty.
Zapp: Order! Order in the court! Very well then Mr. Fry. Please recount the events that lead you to be guilty.
[Fry beeps in Morse code.]
[Flashback: A Few Days Earlier.]
[Scene: Rent A Wreck Video. Fry, Leela, Bender and Zoidberg look at the videos on the shelves.]
Leela: The Professor said he was taking a brief nap so we only have time for six movies or three really long ones.
[Bender scoops up some videos.]
Bender: Let’s take these six Jim Carrey movies and record over them.
Fry: You know what movies average out to be really good? The Lord of the Rings movies!
[The rest of the crew gasp, a camera zooms in on Fry and other customers panic.]
Clerk: Everybody hit the deck!
[Everybody leaps to the floor.]
Leela: (whispering) Shh! Those words are forbidden!
Fry: What words? Lord of the Rings?
[A klaxon goes off and a red light flashes.]
Leela: Shh!!
Zoidberg: Shut your gills!
[A police siren is heard in the distance.]
Bender: That sound! Patrol Car 718! Hide him!
[Leela and Zoidberg grab Fry and stuff him in Bender’s chest cabinet.]
[Cut to: Outside Rent A Wreck Video. Smitty and URL pull up outside and run into the shop. Leela, Bender and Zoidberg wander past them without being noticed.]
[Flashback ends.]
[Fade to: Ship’s Cargo Bay. Fry is still beeping.]
Zapp: The court is intrigued. Perhaps we could hear more about these forbidden words from someone with a sexily seductive voice.
[Sean Bean is about to speak when Liv Tyler interrupts. Sean Bean rolls his eyes and mutters “Part-stealing wench” under his breath.]
Liv: With pleasure. You see, Tolkien’s works were banned after the Canon wars.
Zapp: You mean after the fierce battles of ancient artillery fans?
Liv: No, those were the Cannon (with two “n”s) wars. [Some mechanical hands come out of her jar, pick up a videotape and puts it in the VCR. Honestly, you’d think they’d at least get a DVD player. Oh well, budget cuts.] By the 23rd century Tolkien fandom had evolved from the loose association of nerds with skin and weight problems into a full blown religion.
[On the screen a service is held at the Church Of Tolkien.]
Priest [on TV]: And Frodo looked into the basket in which there were mushrooms.
Congregation [chanting; on TV]: A Elbereth gilthoniel…
Liv: But there were some who rejected the books and went down the dark path of movie fandom. [In Berlin a sign is unveiled saying “Welcome To (movie) Rohan. Formerly Germany.”] And so the LotR fans were executed in the manner most befitting virgins.
[On the rim of a volcano two men throw LotR fans into the flames.]
Guard #1 [on TV]: Cast into the fires! [They throw another in.] Cast into the fires! [Another.] Cast into the fires!
Liv: Finally, the sacred texts were banned.
Sean Astin: The last copies of the Extended and Theatrical-release movies, The Hobbit, the book trilogy, and the Silmarillion were dumped on the forbidden world Omega 3, along with that stupid-arse animated version.
[As he speaks a ship that looks like a Space 1999 Eagle fires the torpedo (looking strangely like Boromir’s funeral boat) with all the Lord of the Rings stuff in. It hits Omega 3 like Spock’s coffin hit the Genesis planet in Star Trek: The Wrath Of Khan. The video ends.]
Sean Bean: So, Lord of the Rings was forever scoured from human memory.
Bender: Another fantasy classic destroyed.
[Zapp tuts.]
Zapp: I’ve never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice that I cared so little about. Next witness.
Kif: Will Bender the robot please take the stand.
[Fry steps out of the wheelchair, perfectly healthy, and lets Bender in.]
Fry: She’s all yours, buddy!
[Bender gets in.]
Bender: I’d only met the defendant Fry once, but I knew he was up to no good.
Zapp: Please use the beeps.
[Bender grumbles and starts to beep.]
[Flashback.]
[Fade to: Head Museum. Fry runs into the 20th century room and stops by a shelf full of celebrities.]
Fry: Mr. Bean! I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago. I can’t believe your movies were banned.
Sean Bean: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
[A camera tracks Fry but he ignores it.]
Fry: You know? 2001-2003, three arse-long books and movies, about 11 made-up languages.
Sean Bean: Oh really, I’ve done too many things to remember one particular movie series. But if you want to discuss my mad gardening skills-
Fry: C’mon! Remember that part where you got possessed by the evil jewelry and smacked Frodo around?
Sean Bean: No. Perhaps you’re thinking of that really terrible movie I was in called Airboromir-uh, uh, I mean Airborne! Damn!
Fry: Aha! You can’t escape it!
[Sean Bean starts crying.]
Sean Bean: (crying) Oh, you’re right, I can’t.
[He cries more.]
Fry: Uh, jeez, don’t get upset. I mean, OK, I outwitted you but-
Sean Bean: (crying) No, it’s my fellow cast members. 300 years ago they left Earth behind.
[Flashback inside flashback. O_O Whoa! Funky!]
[Fade to: Launch Pad. Lord of the Rings cast members’ heads in jars are being loaded into a rocket.]
Viggo: This planet doesn’t appreciate us anymore, Sean.
Sean Bean: Viggo, I would follow you, my brother, my captain, my King. But Sheffield United is having a really great season! Besides, I’m a lifetime member of the Blades Club. I can’t walk away from a commitment like that.
Viggo: Very well, my friend.
[His jar is loaded into the rocket. The rocket blasts off leaving Sean Bean behind.]
[Flashback inside flashback ends. Poo.]
[Fade to: Head Museum. Sean Bean is still crying.]
Sean Bean: (crying) Why did the world turn its back on our obvious greatness?
Fry: I’m literally angry with rage!
Sean Bean: You know, if that made sense, I’d be touched…
Fry: Your co-stars may be gone but we can still get those episode tapes back for the whole world to see! Come on!
Sean Bean: Oh! But…the Blades…
[He grabs Sean Bean’s head in a jar from the shelf, tucks it under his arm and runs out. Ralph Bakshi’s head in a jar hops forward.]
Bakshi: Yesss! Front row!
Fangirls: Oh, that’s where he hid! DIE RALPH BAKSHI!
Bakshi: AAAAAAAAAA!
[Scene: Ship’s Cockpit. The ship is in the hangar. Fry is powering up the ship.]
Leela: You can’t go to Omega 3! It’s forbidden! I forbid you!
Fry: But we have to. The world needs Lord of the Rings to give people hope for the future.
Leela: But it’s set like four or five millennia in the past! And it’s in a totally made up world!
Bender: Yeah, why is this so important to you?
Fry: ‘Cause it, it taught me so much. Like how you should accept people. Whether they be Elves, Orcs, Hobbits, or even female. But most importantly, when I didn’t have any friends, it made me feel like I did.
Leela: Well, that is touchingly pathetic. I guess I can’t let you go alone.
Bender: I’ll go too. With Sean’s permission of course.
[Sean Bean nods.]
[Scene: The ship flies into a solar system.]
[Cut to: Ship’s Cockpit.]
Leela: We’re entering the Omega system.
[An alarm goes off.]
Computer Voice: Warning: You are now in forbidden space.
Bender: (sarcastic) Forbidden shmershmidden! What are they gonna do, write a letter? Ooo I’m so scared!
[The ship shakes.]
Leela: I’ve lost control of the ship!
[Bender goes into a flying panic.]
[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The ship comes in for a crash landing, hits the surface, flips over and lands upside down. The landing gear extends a little late. The crew and Sean Bean get out. Bender lights a cigar. Leela gasps.]
Fry: Oh, dip!
Sean Bean: Dip indeed! [Pauses] Wait, dip?
[They look around in amazement. There are LotR props everywhere. Elven props from the Rivendell and Lórien sets, Orthanc from Isengard, (although I’m pretty sure that was CGI…) the big-ature of Minas Tirith and the full-scale Meduseld from the Edoras set, among others.]
Fry: It’s all stuff from those forbidden movies.
Sean Bean: So many realistic sets, so many memories. If only the others-
[He is interrupted by a familiar voice. Viggo Mortensen with body and Strider costume with the Evenstar pendant steps out of the Edoras set.]
Viggo: I guess that’s my cue.
Sean Bean: Viggo! This is wonderful!
Viggo: Oh man.
Sean Bean: I feel like hugging you.
Viggo: Well I would, but you have no body! [Sean Bean laughs.] And we’re both men.
[Sean Astin steps out of the Guardian, with full body and Hobbit costume. Strangely, he’s Hobbit-sized with Hobbit feet.]
Sean Bean: Sean A! [Dominic Monaghan steps out, Hobbit costume, Hobbit-sized, Hobbit feet.] Dom! [Billy Boyd steps out, again, Hobbit costume, Hobbit-size, Hobbit feet.] Billy! [Elijah Wood steps out with, you guessed it, Hobbit costume, Hobbit size, Hobbit feet.] ‘Lij! [Hugo Weaving steps out with his Elrond tiara, but Agent Smith suit.] Hugo! [John Rhys-Davies steps out with a long beard, he’s Gimli-sized, and in a Gimli costume.] John! [Sir Ian McKellen steps out, also with a beard, and in his Gandalf the Grey costume] Ian! [Christopher Lee steps out, also also with a beard and in his Saruman costume.] Chris! [Liv Tyler steps out in her Arwen costume] Steve Tyler’s daughter!
Liv: [Pouting] I do have a name, y’know.
Fry: Liv Tyler? Where’s Andy Serkis?
Christopher Lee: We did some musical reunion specials in the 2200s but the Andy Serkis had a terminal sore throat from doing the Gollum voice too much. And Liv’s dad was in Aerosmith.
John Rhys-Davies: Ever since then, Liv has been a welcome (haha yeah right) participant in our escapades.
[Liv speaks mangled Aerosmith elvish.]
Fry: I can’t believe it! How’d you all end up here?
Viggo: We were on our way to Liv’s cousin’s house to stay in the guest room when our ship was pulled down to this planet and crashed. Just like yours.
Sean Astin: When we woke up, we had these bodies.
Fry: Say it in Gollum!
Sean Astin: Do I have to?
Fry: Well, Andy Serkis ain’t here.
[Sean Astin sighs.]
Sean Astin: [Gollum voice] When we woke up, we had these bodiessss, my precious. Gollum, gollum.
[Fry makes a giggly squealy noise.]
Fry: Eeeee! Now say “po-ta-to”!
Sean Astin: [Vehemently] No!
Sir Ian: You’ll love it here. Everything is provided for us. And we never age. Check out these abs.
[He rips his shirt revealing his abs.]
Bender: Yowza!
Dom: You know, Ian, contrary to popular belief you’re the only homosexual here.
Sir Ian: So?
Leela: But who’s doing all this for you?
Viggo: You know, we never thought about it. We’re famous celebrities-we’re used to this sort of treatment.
[A girlishly, sickly feminine voice interrupts them.]
Voice: It is I!
[Everyone gasps and looks up. Above them is a glowy urple lady-Mary Sue.]
Bender: Whoa! What a cheesy effect!
Mary Sue: I am not an effect! You doubt my power?
Bender: I do!
[Mary Sue zaps Liv Tyler with a bolt of energy-just because I think that she’s a wet, useless swot. Fry runs to her side.]
Fry: Liv!!
Viggo: Bah, I never liked her anyway.
[Flashback ends.]
[Scene: Ship’s Cargo Bay.]
Zapp: This court will now hear some very sensual testimony from this court’s ex-lover, Turanga Leela.
[Leela is already in the beepy box.]
Leela: Go [beep] yourself.
[She beeps.]
[Flashback.]
[Fade to: Omega 3 Surface. The flashback continues from earlier.]
Mary Sue: Behold another power, different from the one you saw earlier.
[Mary Sue swoops down onto Sean Bean’s head and transforms him back into his old self, with body and Boromir hair.]
Sean Bean: Hey! A body! Buff, tanned, “100% Blade” tattoo on left arm, Fellowship tattoo on [undisclosed location]. Yeah, this is mine all right!
Fry: All right, you Sue, what’s the deal?
Mary Sue: Centuries ago, the videotaped adventures of the Fellowship of the Ring rained down upon my planet. Over and over I watched them, especially the bits with Legolas and Aragorn in! I am the quintessential Mary Sue! Seer of the tapes! Knower of the hottness!! Tremble before my encyclopedic knowledge of Lord of the Rings!
Sean Bean: First off, “hotness” has one T. Secondly, what about the books and that really stupid animated thing?
Mary Sue: Eh? Books? But I did see the animated one. Hahahaha, Boromir was ugly…
Sean Bean: So was Aragorn! Bloody character defamation…
Mary Sue: Bah, you’re evil, what do you know?
Sean Bean: CHARACTER DEFAMATION! Have you not seen Sharpe? I was pretty badass in that! And I was a good guy! And I didn’t die!
Fry: Tremble? I laugh. No one knows more about Lord of the Rings than me!
Mary Sue: I beg to differ. [She zaps Liv some more.] Long have I waited for the one who played that evil bloke Boromir, for completeness’ sake. At last, we can begin.
[A banner reading Welcome To Ringfest 3002 appears behind him.]
Fry: Cool! A Lord of the Rings convention!
Billy Boyd: Uh, Mary Sue, can you give us some idea of how long this is going to last?
Mary Sue: Until time stops.
Leela: What?
Viggo: She can’t do this!
Christopher Lee: You can’t be serious!
Mary Sue: Now, we have a full schedule of events –
Bender: Uh, can people who hate Lord of the Rings leave?
LotR Cast: Good question! (Well, they’ve got to be sick of it by then…)
Mary Sue: No you have to stay even longer.
[Bender and LotR Cast groan.]
[Time Lapse. The cast are now seated at a table for autograph signings. Mary Sue is getting Orlando Bloom’s.]
Mary Sue: Um, uh, sign it to Mary Sue. Mary Sue has a space in.
Orlando: I think I’ve done enough conventions and flipped through enough fanfics to know how to spell “Mary Sue.” [under breath] and know one when I see one.
[Time Lapse. The cast and Mary Sue are standing in front of a backdrop having their photo taken by Bender.]
Bender: Say “nerd”!
Everyone: Nerd!
[Time Lapse. Viggo is on a stage performing Eminem’s Slim Shady in his own special way.]
Shatner: (spoken wording) I’m…Slim Shady. Yes. I’m the real Shady. All you other Slim Shadys…are just imitating. So…won’t the real Slim Shady…please stand up…please stand up…please stand up. [Says it again in Danish]
Elijah: How can you do a spoken word version of a rap song? In Danish?
Mary Sue: He found a way.
[Time Lapse. Fry and Mary Sue are playing Lord Elrond’s Trivia Challenge. Hugo Weaving, predictably, is questionmaster. Fry has 500 points and Mary Sue has 300.]
Hugo Weaving: For one hundred lembas wafers: Who snuffed it at Amon Hen?
[Viggo leaps up.]
Viggo: (shouting): Boromir!
[Fry buzzes.]
Fry: Uh…Boromir?
Hugo Weaving: Correct.
[Fry’s score goes up to 600.]
Mary Sue: My button has broken. The trivia contest has ended. I now have a surprise. You will perform a fanfic, written by the ultimate Lord of the Rings fan.
Fry: You have my fanfic?
Mary Sue: I meant me! Mary Sue is the ultimate fan!
Fry: Oh. I was confused because the scoreboard says something different!
Mary Sue: Grr! Trivia contest over! Take your scripts! [The Lord of the Rings cast run to a pile of scripts.] We have limited rehearsal time. I didn’t make enough copies of the script so Dom and Billy will have to share.
[Dom and Billy start good-naturedly fighting over the script.]
Leela: Uh, you probably don’t want us to see you rehearsing or it’ll give away the ending.
Mary Sue: That’s right! The ending must not be ruined!
Leela: We’ll go wait in the ship.
Mary Sue: OK.
Fry: Not until I get my 600 lembas wafers.
[Leela and Bender grab Fry and pull him away.]
[Scene: Ship’s Cockpit. The ship flies away from the planet.]
Fry: This is wrong. We shouldn’t have abandoned them there.
Bender: I dunno, I’m feeling pretty good about it.
Leela: I didn’t want to leave them either, Fry, but what are we supposed to do?
Fry: Well usually on Star Trek, someone would come up with a complicated plan then explain it with a simple analogy.
Leela: Hmm. If we can reroute engine power through the primary weapons and reconfigure them to Mary Sue’s frequency that should overload her electro-quantum structure.
Bender: Like putting too much air in a balloon!
Fry: Of course! It’s so simple!
[The ship turns around and heads back to the planet.]
[Scene: Omega 3 Surface. The cast are on the set of Rivendell rehearsing with their scripts.]
Hugo Weaving: [Still dressed like Agent Smith for some reason] Alas…the Fellowship of the Ring…needs…a tenth member. (quietly) Oh Lord! Nine Walkers for the Nine Riders, anyone?
Sean Bean: I still think that we should use the Ring against Sauron, because I am secretly evil. (quietly) Yeah…sure…
Sean Astin: Look, Mr. Frodo! Mary Sue will help us!
[He points to the rest of Rivendell. Enter Mary Sue.]
Billy: I hope that she keeps ash from getting on my…tomatoes.
Mary Sue: TOMAHTOES! [Billy shudders.] You’re not acting hard enough!
Dom: Mary Sue, you have to respect your actors. When Peter Jackson was directing the movies he got magnificent performances out of us because he respected us so much.
John Rhys-Davies: And when Ralph Bakshi directed that crappy animated thing, he didn’t respect his animators [knowingly] and look at what he came up with!
All: [Shudder]
[Scene: In what looks like the Planet Express ship’s equivalent to those Jeffries tubes from Star Trek, Bender finishes welding something.]
Bender: OK! I’m done rekafoobling the energy motron…or, whatever.
[Cut to: Ship’s Cockpit.]
Leela: Fire!
[She pauses then presses the button herself.]
[Cut to: Outside Ship. Phaser beams diverge from each other on the bottom of the ship and head towards the planet.]
[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. They are still in the middle of Mary Sue’s fanfic.]
Orlando: My, what a beautiful elf princess. I love you. [The beams from the ship converge on Mary Sue and she screams.] Hey, you wrote it! Bleedin’ fangirl.
[Mary Sue absorbs the energy and starts to grow.]
[Cut to: Ship’s Cockpit. The ship is shaking. Fry gets the obligatory console exploding in his face like in Star Trek. Smoke comes out of machinery and sparks fly.]
Leela: It’s not working. He’s drawing straight from our weapons.
Fry: Like a balloon, and something bad happens!
[Scene: Mary Sue uses her incredible Suelike powers (Well duh, she’s a Sue), and pulls the ship back down to the planet.]
[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The ship crashes again. Fry and Leela scream and crawl out from underneath the ship.]
Bender: Hup!
Leela: So uh, how’s rehearsal going?
Mary Sue: Lousy. Here I’ve been admiring a bunch of actors while you, a crew of genuine heroes, risked your lives to save them.
Orlando: Hey! We’ve done heroic things too!
Sean Bean: Yeah! I was in that turkey Airborne!
Mary Sue: Silence!! My whole world has turned upside down. I have but one option.
Elijah: Keep them and let us go?
Mary Sue: No!! To determine who is more worthy of my fanatical devotion I shall pit you together against each other in armed combat. To the death!!
[Everyone responds in shock and horror.]
Bender: Where’d you get an idiotic idea like that?
Mary Sue: I dunno, it sounds cool and overly melodramatic.
Fry: Great list. Except, you forgot that you’re a Mary Sue!
[He chuckles.]
Mary Sue: I was getting to that one!
[Very angry, she zaps Liv’s not-quite corpse (Dude, she’s related to Steve Tyler. That ought to make her at least half robot), making it explode.]
[Flashback ends.]
[Scene: Ship’s Cargo Bay.]
Zapp: Hey, why is Liv still here?
Elijah: Uhh…plot hole. That and she’s impossible to kill, [under breath] Lord knows we tried…
Zapp: Oh, okay. So Mary Sue ordered a battle to the death. I assume no one survived.
[Leela sighs.]
Leela: Can we get on with this? My foot’s getting tired!
[Flashback.]
[Fade to: Omega 3 Surface.]
Mary Sue: This will be a standard battle to the death. The only weapons: Whatever you can find. But I warn you: Do nothing until I signal the start of combat! [pause] OK start.
[The Lord of the Rings cast and Planet Express crew run off in different directions.]
[Cut to: Orthanc set. Viggo rips his shirt. Why? Because.]
Elijah: I don’t have much experience fighting, except with you guys.
Viggo: I have an idea. Wasn’t there an incident where I threw my shoe at the enemy?
Sir Ian: You mean Harry Potter?
[They both laugh and high five.]
Viggo: Whoever it was I did it like this.
[He takes a boot off and throws it at Hugo Weaving. It hits him in the face and he gives Viggo the Evil Elrond Eyebrow.]
Hugo Weaving: Ow!
[Viggo hops.]
Viggo: My foot’s cold!
[Cut to: Edoras set. Leela drops a pile of sticks.]
Leela: There. We can make these into spears.
Fry: And we can tie these caterpillars together to make bowstrings for bows and arrows.
Bender: And we can use this wicked Dark Elf repeater crossbow to shoot them! Yee-haw! [He pulls out a repeater crossbow and fires into the air until he is out of ammo. He chuckles.] That was fun!
[Fry and Leela glare at him.]
Fry: Isn’t that from Warhammer?
Bender: Whatever.
[Cut to: Rocks.]
Viggo: What if I distract them with my infamous shitty Elven singing?
Sean Astin: Oh yes good good good good. And then, other Sean, you tackle them like an insane Sheffield United fan!
Sean Bean: I find that offensive. Just because I’m obsessed enough with Sheffield United to get a Blades tattoo doesn’t mean that I’m an insane football maniac! When have I ever led you to believe that?
Sean Astin: I saw you in When Saturday Comes.
Sean Bean: Oh yeah.
[Cut to: Rocks. Fry has made bow and arrow made of a stick and caterpillars.]
Fry: Well. Here goes nothing.
[He tries to fire the arrow but the bow breaks and the caterpillars crawl all over his face. He falls over. Viggo appears from behind some rocks and does his crap singing from the extended edition of FotR.]
Fry: What is that annoying out-of-tune song?
Viggo: It’s the tale of Lúthien and Beren!
[He sings. Bender cuts off his hearing.]
Bender: Whoa! [Sean Bean sneaks up from behind and rugby tackles him.] Aieee!!
Sean Bean: FOR ENGLAND! (Eee, had to put the GoldenEye reference in.)
Viggo: Sean, this is Lord of the Rings, not GoldenEye.
Sean Bean: So? [resumes yelling] VICTORY TO THE BLADES!
[Cut to: Cliff. Leela and Orlando edge their way around a rock, facing opposite directions. They bump into each other and are startled.]
Orlando: There’s no right way to hit a woman.
Leela: Then do it the wrong way.
Orlando: Fine. Yeeee-ah!
[He does a flying kick on her and knocks her down. She gets straight back up.]
Leela: Is that all you’ve got? Heyya!
[She kicks him in the back.]
Orlando: Ooh!!
[They fight some more and Leela gains the upper hand.]
[Cut to: Rocks. Fry is beating up Elijah while Bender is taking on Sean Astin, Dom, and Billy.]
Bender: Come on Dominic!
Christopher Lee: Take that!
[He hits Bender with his Saruman staff. Liv cartwheels onto Fry and locks his head between her thighs.]
Fry: Ow, that hurts! Hey, why are you still alive?
Liv: Ever heard of respawn? (Too much Unreal Tournament 2k4 @_@)
Sir Ian: Let’s see if this actually works! [Raises staff] YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
[He tries to zap Bender but it doesn’t work. Bender punches him, grabs his legs and swings him around and around, whacking the others in the face.]
Dom: Ow! My face!
Billy: My face too!
[Cut to: Cliff. Leela is down. Orlando offers to help her up.]
Orlando: May I?
[He reaches out his hand. Leela grabs it and pulls him over. She picks up a rock and is about to throw it at him.]
Mary Sue: Excellent! Excellent!
Orlando: Leela, please. This is exactly what Mary Sue wants. We’re just pawns in her diabolical game of checkers. Can’t we resolve our differences some other way?
[A bigger bleen energy woman appears next to Mary Sue-her mother, similar to Trelane’s parents showing up the Star Trek episode The Squire Of Gothos.]
Mary Sue’s Mother: Mary Sue! Dinnertime!
Mary Sue: Aww, but mom! I’m playing with my collectables!
Mary Sue’s Mother: Now!!
Mary Sue: Aww!
[Mary Sue disappears.]
Fry: All this time we thought she was a powerful super being, when she was just a child.
Mary Sue’s Mother: She’s not a child; she’s 16, and quite hormonally charged.
[She disappears.]
Bender: All right Astin, I’ve wanted to do this for years!
[He grabs him by his shirt and is about to punch him. Fry grabs his arm.]
Fry: Bender, wait! This is our chance to escape, before Mary Sue comes back. But we all need to work together.
[Cut to: Cliff. Everyone runs on to the cliff to find Leela and Orlando making out.]
Sean Bean: Ahem!
Fry: We’ve decided to work together.
Sean Bean: Hmm, so did they.
Fry: Why didn’t you get to play Bond?
Sean Bean: Hollywood thinks I’m sexier as a villain. Plus, I would have had to dye my hair. Probably. And that was a wig in Lord of the Rings, before you say anything.
Bender: Well, you didn’t dye it for Sharpe, and he was supposed to have black hair.
Sean Bean: …Shut up.
[Orlando leaps up.]
Orlando: Now, how do we escape?
Leela: We can’t use our ship. The life support works, but the engines are wrecked.
Sir Ian: Ironic. Because our engines work, but our life support systems don’t.
Leela: Hey, if your engines work…
Sir Ian: …and your life support systems work…
Fry: Stop!! You’re just goin’ around in circles! (to himself.) Think Fry think! Everyone’s depending on you.
Sean Astin: You just keep on believing that.
[Time Lapse: Sean Bean finishes welding the warp nacelles onto the hull of the Planet Express ship.]
Sean Bean: [sniff] Dad would be so proud…
[The ship takes off but falls again.]
[Cut to: Ship’s Cockpit.]
Leela: We’re too heavy. You guys need to lose some weight. Fast!
Sean Bean: But I like my body. How can I play football without it?
Hugo Weaving: You’ll find a way, trust me.
[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The side door of the ship opens and the decapitated bodies of the Lord of the Rings cast are thrown out.]
[Cut to: Ship’s Cockpit. The actors’ heads are in jars. Fry wheels in a video case.]
Fry: Look, Sean!
Both Seans: Which one?
Fry: Sean B. We’re light enough to keep the tapes and books, even the animated one so man can learn from his mistakes! Isn’t that great?
Sean Bean: [Annoyed] I’m living in a pickle jar.
[Time Lapse: The ship streaks away from the planet.]
Fry: We did it! [Everyone cheers. Behind the ship another ship decloaks. It looks a little bit like a ship the Romulans and Klingons used. Mary Sue laughs and shoots at them.] Mary Sue’s got a spaceship!
Mary Sue [on screen]: Yes, in mint condition. And you made me take it out of the package! My big brother is so going to kill me!
[She shoots at them some more. The ship approaches another familiar ship.]
Leela: The Nimbus! We’re saved!
[A screen comes down above Leela’s head.]
Zapp [on screen]: You’re under arrest. Prepare to be boarded.
[Flashback ends.]
[Scene: Ship’s Cargo Bay.]
Zapp: So, I boarded you then. What happened next?
Leela: You started this stupid court martial. Now if you don’t mind, we’re still fighting Mary Sue!
[Mary Sue strafes the ship and shoots some more.]
[Scene: Ship’s Cockpit. Everyone rushes in and Leela spins the ship around, back the way they came. Mary Sue follows shooting more.]
Leela: One more hit and we’re done for!
Dom: Let’s take them out with us. Do you guys have a self-destruct code? Like destruct sequence 1A2B3 –
[Bender’s head explodes.]
Bender: Thanks a lot, Monaghan, now everybody knows!
Dom: But how was I supposed to know that something from Star Trek-
Mary Sue [on screen]: If I can’t have the original cast of Lord of the Rings, no one will!! Prepare to die!
Fry: Wait! If they mean that much to you why do you wanna kill them?
Mary Sue [on screen]: Because I…I…I dunno what I’d do without them.
Fry: Mary Sue, you can’t let a movie trilogy be your whole life. You can do anything you want. Look at Orlando Bloom. After Lord of the Rings, he became an actor!
Orlando: Not just an actor, but a well rounded person! With my own friends, and credit cards, and keys…
Mary Sue [on screen]: Well I guess I could stop applying so much lip gloss…maybe go to English class and learn some proper grammar rules…
Fry: Whoa, whoa! One step at a time.
Mary Sue [on screen]: I thank you, Fry. Y’know, you and I are of a kind. In a different reality I could have called you “friend.”
Fry: Star Trek Original Series, Episode 10. Balance Of Terror.
Mary Sue [on screen]: More like episode 9, loser! In your face! Victory is mine!
Fry: Not if you count The Cage!
Mary Sue: DAMN!
[She turns her ship around and heads back to Omega 3.]
Viggo: I wonder, my friends. Was she really such an evil original character?
Elijah: She did give us eternal youth.
Christopher Lee: 24 hour Laundromat. You don’t know how hard it is to keep those white robes clean!
Dom and Billy: A full assortment of rum, both spiced and regular.
Sean Bean: Truly, it was a paradise. But it didn’t have any football. [pouts]
Fry: And all you had to put up with was one really annoying Mary Sue.
[The heads look worried.]
All: Let’s get the hell outta here!

Originally Written By
David A. Goodman