Something Scary by HobbitsRockME
Part 1: A long-expected party.
The screen is DARK.
[from Moriarty’s script review:]
FRODO (V.O.)
When we turn away from the darkness of
our past to take comfort in our peaceful
lives, we sometimes forget how dearly
that peace was bought. But there is
much worth remembering in the darkness…
BILBO lights a torch. Reveals SLIPPERS.
BILBO
My slippers! There they are! I almost forgot them in the darkness!
BILBO switches off lights.
CUT to SECOND AGE, big battle. Lots of ELVES, lots of HUMANS, lots of ORCS. They FIGHT. It is EXCITING. A big scary guy hits his finger chopped off. ISILDUR picks it up with a RING on it, and there is much rejoicing. ORCS shoot him with arrows and the RING falls into nearby river. There is much angst.
FRODO (V.O.)
Thus a Third Age of Middle-earth began.
History became legend… legend became
myth. And some things that should not
have been forgotten were lost.
Cut to darkness. BILBO comes back into room and lights torch. He is NOT WEARING SLIPPERS..
BILBO
Now where did I put my slippers…
BILBO looks around, there are no slippers
BILBO
Oh, what I silly old goat I am, I seem to have lost my slippers!
BILBO wanders off.
CUT TO NEXT MORNING. It is a PARTY. People are HAPPY AND EXCITED.
BILBO
Everyone looks so happy and excited!
FRODO
Hi, Uncle Bilbo. Why, you are one hundred and eleven today, and you don’t look a day over fifty!
BILBO
Thanks, young Frodo. Ever since I picked up that ring, I haven’t seemed to age a day…
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS. Zoom in on FRODO’s shocked face.
BILBO
But don’t worry, young FRODO, I’m sure nothing bad will happen when I give the ring to you.
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS AGAIN
FRODO
I’m sure everything will be fine. Let’s go join the party!
They DO. They have FUN.
BILBO
I would like to make a speech!
Everyone CHEERS.
BILBO
I like some of you half as much as I know half of you three fourths of a large number of you seem to be a fraction of who you are!
Everyone looks CONFUSED. BILBO disappears. Everyone CHEERS.
CUT to BILBO’S ROOM. GANDALF is there, smoking a pipe and sitting on a rocking chair.
GANDALF
I am old and grey and weathered, but I am a great wizard underneath.
BILBO
Yes, you certainly are. Here, have a ring.
BILBO tries to hand GANDALF the ring.
GANDALF
No! I cannot be allowed to touch it!
GANDALF touches it.
BILBO
I will leave it on this table!
BILBO doesn’t.
GANDALF
Leave it on the table!
BILBO does. He leaves.
GANDALF hits head on rafters.
GANDALF
Ouch!
Cut to GANDALF AND FRODO.
GANDALF
Bye, Frodo!
FRODO
Bye, Gandalf!
GANDALF hits head on roof.
GANDALF
Ouch!
GANDALF leaves. Years pass. GANDALF comes back.
GANDALF
Hi, Frodo!
FRODO
Hi, Gandalf!
GANDALF
You know the ring Bilbo gave you? It is evil!
GANDALF hits head on rafters.
GANDALF
Ouch!
FRODO
Is it really? Here, have a ridiculously long sandwich!
GANDALF eats sandwich.
GANDALF
Yes, it is! Here, give it to me!
GANDALF takes ring and throws it in fire. Ring melts.
GANDALF
Oops, well, I guess it’s just a thing now.
GANDALF pulls thing from fire. FIERY INSCRIPTION shows.
FRODO
What does it say?
GANDALF
It’s an ancient text, it says SFIIhifhASFKKHNMASINH. But before it melted, it said:
One thing to fool them all!
One thing to blind them!
One thing to bring them all!
And in the theatre find them!
FRODO
What does it mean?
GANDALF
It’s an ominous rhyme. Nobody knows what it means.
FRODO
Cool.
FRODO looks at GANDALF and STARES BLANKLY
FRODO
Umm… how did you know to look for the writing if you don’t know what it means?
GANDALF
When you get to be my age, sonny, you will learn a thing or two. Now, you see, back in my day, we had to toss things like this one into volcanoes just to see the writing. Of course, we were kids back then, and the things usually said all sorts of strange phrases, like “Mr. Richard Head is a dolt” and “Up with miniskirts.” Hmmm… I never did get that last one. Anyway, you young people have it too easy! Just toss the thing in the fire and poof! You get the writing. It’s just not fair, and – Frodo? Frodo?
FRODO is DOZING OFF
GANDALF
Jumping Hobbits! That boy just can’t listen!
GANDALF SMACKS FRODO ON THE HEAD
FRODO
Ah? What? Oh, yes… A most interesting tale Gandalf, and I do hope it works out for you.
GANDALF
That’s not what I was saying!
FRODO
Of course not!
GANDALF
Anyway, let me tell you everything I know about this here thing.
FRODO (LOOKS CONFUSED)
Huh? I thought you said that you knew nothing about it?
GANDALF
I lied. Anyway, this thing comes from a long ago age… An age of magic – and mystery
FRODO INTERRUPTS
I thought THIS was the age of magic and mystery?
GANDALF
Oh, be quiet! Anyway, this thing comes from an age of even more magic and mystery… It was a dark time upon the land, for the Lord of the Rings was afoot…
FADES TO BLACK
OMINIOUS MUSIC BEGINS and CRIES OF BATTLE
SCENE CUTS TO SECOND AGE BATTLE SCENE AGAIN
GANDALF (v.o)
It was a time of trouble in Middle Earth. You see, the Dark Lord, Sauron – although we used to call him Old Red Eye, but that’s another story – was engaged in a terrible battle with the Free People of Middle Earth. It was a ghastly and bloody affair, and, on the whole, not much fun.
FRODO (v.o)
Uh, didn’t we see this before?
GANDALF (v.o.)
Quiet, you! Anyway, as the battle raged on, Sauron had no choice but to show himself and engage the heroes in mortal combat…
ZOOMS IN to GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR near the DARK TOWER
GIL-GALAD has large, POINTED EARS, and is wearing a TURBAN. He is wielding a HUGE SPEAR. ISILDUR is a brawny MAN. BOTH look CLEANCUT as if they have not even seen battle and just walked into Mordor without a problem.
GIL-GALAD
Where is that Sauron? I wish to smite him with my spear, for it is the spear that is destined to smite Sauron, and he shall have no choice but to come forth for his smiting!
ISILDUR
Yes, I too wish to smite him, but we must await our moment.
METAL CLANGING SOUND as the GATES of the DARK TOWER OPEN
GIL-GALAD
Look, foresooth, the Enemy comest!
ISILDUR
Yes, he indeed comest, and we had best smite him!
SAURON MARCHES OUT OF THE DARK TOWER
ISILDUR
Look! Is that a great, blue blender with spines? Is that our Enemy?
GIL-GALAD
Yes, indeed it is. For it is written that He shall have great spines, blue armor and look like a kitchen appliance gone wild.
ISILDUR
May the Valar have mercy upon us! We are doomed!
GIL-GALAD
You always say that! It is becoming annoying! Look, he approacheth!
SAURON draws near GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR. SAURON towers over the other two, and indeed looks like a blue metal blender with spines and a single red eye.
SAURON
Hahahahahaha! I am the Lord of all Evil! I will eat your souls!
GIL-GALAD
Nay, you shall eat our steel!
Battle begins and ends the same way as before. SAURON DIES and the THING is chopped off his hand.
FADES TO BLACK
CUT back to FRODO and GANDALF
FRODO
Wow! That was cool!
GANDALF
Yes, but then Isildur was killed and the Thing was lost. But now it is found and I fear for us all!
FRODO
Um… You still haven’t said why!
GANDALF
Because the Thing is the source of the Enemy’s powers! If he gets it again, we are all doomed! And he grows stronger with each passing day, until he shall conquer all of Middle Earth!
FRODO
That sucks!
GANDALF takes out a PIPE and puts PIPEWEED in it
GANDALF
I used to smoke this, but then I learned that smoking is bad for your health. Since I am so wise and cool, I should not smoke since that sets a bad example.
GANDALF THROWS PIPE in the FIRE. A cloud of SMOKE rises up and FRODO and GANDALF start COUGHING
(AFTER they stop coughing) FRODO
Well, what shall we do? Can’t we just destroy the Thing so that nobody gets it?
GANDALF
No, nothing can melt it… Nothing except… The FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM
LIGHTNING and THUNDER
FRODO
That’s odd… it’s sunny outside…
GANDALF
Yes, but it’s not sunny at… MOUNT DOOM!!
LIGHTING and THUNDER again
BOTH are SILENT
SOUNDS of a LAWNMOWER outside
GANDALF
What’s that sound?
FRODO
Oh, that’s just Sam. He mows my lawn now and then. Here, would like a ridiculously long sandwich?
FRODO hands SANDWICH to GANDALF
FRODO
Well, I guess we are doomed. What shall we do?
GANDALF munches happily on his second ridiculously large sandwich.
GANDALF
You must leave, leave here now, with the ring! You must hide it!
FRODO
Aww, do I have to?
GANDALF
Yes, it all started so long ago…
CUT TO SECOND AGE
GANDALF(v.o.)
When the armies of elf and man made their last stand…
FRODO
This is the third time you’ve said this!
CUT back to BAG END
GANDALF
I did? Oh…
GANDALF stops and listens… hears NOTHING. Suddenly, he rushes to the window and PULLS IN SAM GAMGEE!
FRODO
It’s Sam Gamgee!
GANDALF rushes to the cupboard and pulls out PIPPIN TOOK!
FRODO
It’s Pippin Took!
GANDALF opens a trunk and pulls out MERRY BRANDYBUCK!
FRODO
It’s Merry Brandybuck!
GANDALF opens the oven and pulls out A POT ROAST!
FRODO
It’s a pot roast!
GANDALF opens the laundry hamper and pulls out SARUMAN!
FRODO
It’s Dracula!
CHRISTOPHER LEE AKA SARUMAN hisses, turns into a bat and flies out. SAM, MERRY, PIPPIN and the POT ROAST remain.
GANDALF
So, I caught the four of you spying, didn’t I?
SAM
Don’t kill me Mr. Wizard sir!
PIPPIN
There’s only three of us…
GANDALF
Listen when I talk to you, you spies! What are you doing sneaking about Bag End here?
MERRY
We wanted to make sure Frodo was alright…
SAM
Actually, I just wanted to see Mr. Frodo naked…
PIPPIN shushes SAM and looks innocent.
GANDALF
Alright then, if you four are so worried about Mr. Frodo, you can all accompany him! Now I must be off soon, but I’ll be back before you leave! See you later!
GANDALF takes a ridiculously long sandwich for the road, and hits his head on the way out.
GANDALF
Ouch!
CUT TO FRODO, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM and the POT ROAST sitting around a table plotting their escape from Hobbiton…
Part 4: A SHORT CUT TO MUSHROOMS (or: MRS MAGGOT’S PASSION)
Cut to PIPPIN, SAM, MERRY, and FRODO leaving Hobbiton. SAM has a heavy load on his head, including the POT ROAST. PIPPIN carries book: “The Good Pub Guide to the Four Farthings'”
PIPPIN
I want to stop at the Golden Perch, it’s got the best beer in the South Farthing!
FRODO
Pippin, you’ve got ale on the brain.
MERRY
I’ve just stepped in a puddle! We must be in the Marish!
FRODO
Oh no. I fear we are about to face a deadly peril.
PIPPIN
You mean – Farmer Maggot’s four terrifying Yorkshire terriers who yip around one’s ankles and could probably rip out Carcharoth’s guts in single combat???
FRODO
No. I mean a deadlier peril even than they!
PIPPIN (eyes wide with horror)
Oh no! Not … not the Nazgul?
FRODO
Name them not!
SAM
No, indeed they must not be named!
MERRY
I haven’t the faintest idea what you people are talking about.
FRODO
It’s OK, Merry. We haven’t actually seen a Nazgul. In fact, I don’t even know what they are. We haven’t got to that part of the story yet.
SAM
I think we did, sir, a few pages back.
FRODO
Oh. Oh well. We jumped forward. It’s a clean lift so that’s OK. Anyway, there’s Mrs Maggot’s passion to face now and that is a far deadlier peril.
PIPPIN
Mrs Maggot’s passion?
FRODO (darkly)
We hobbits are crazy for mushrooms, Pip. Mrs M is crazy for hobbit-boys.
PIPPIN (face brightening)
Oh … IS she now?
FRODO
Believe me, Pip, you DON’T want to go there.
PIPPIN
Oh yes, I do!
FRODO
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Why do you think I’ve not dared go near Maggot’s farm since I was in my Tweens? I tried to pinch some mushrooms from his field when I was a kid at Brandy Hall and that woman scared the life out of me!
SAM (earnestly)
It’s OK, Mr Frodo, sir. If Mrs M starts any funny business with you, she’ll have Sam Gamgee to contend with.
MERRY
Behold, she approaches!
MRS MAGGOT appears in front of a cosy farmhouse.
MRS MAGGOT (leering)
Fancy some mushrooms do we, lads?
The four HOBBITS glance quickly at each other.
FRODO
See what I mean?
SAM
What shall we do, sir?
FRODO
RUN!!!!
They all run away from the lascivious MRS MAGGOT, apart from PIPPIN. MERRY runs back and grabs PIPPIN.
PIPPIN (pouting)
Ohhhh … spoilsports!
EXTERIOR: SYLVAN WOOD
FRODO
I wonder where Gandalf has gotten to?
Sound effects of a HORSE trotting in this direction. All hobbits cock their heads to listen.
MERRY
Maybe that?s Gandalf.
CREEPY OMINOUS MUSIC begins to play. The sounds of the trotting HORSE become thunderous. Heavy breathing his heard. There are GUNSHOTS. PIPPIN looks at a small glass of water and sees waves forming in it.
FRODO
Somehow, I don?t think that that is Gandalf. And if it is, I want to surprise him and give him a weggie for making me worry about him. Let?s hide!
All hobbits get off road and hide under a bank. A NAZGUL appears on a fire breathing HORSE.
NAZGUL (breathing heavily): Baaaough pwoooo Baaaough pwoooo
All the hobbits look really scared, but being under a bank can see nothing. The NAZGUL rides on.
PIPPIN: I wonder what that was.
MERRY: You really don?t want to know.
The screen goes dark. A moment later words appear. They say, “INSERT SPECIAL EDITION HERE”
EXTERIOR FARMLAND
MERRY (holding a copy of the LotR)
Boy, I don?t think I?ve ever been so glad to hear the words ?clean lifts? before. According to this, we have totally avoided getting nearly killed by two Black Riders, a Willow Tree, and a Barrow Wight.
SAM
But, we also missed getting our swords. I wonder how that is going to turn out?
PIPPIN
Wait a minute, a willow tree? That sounds so cheesy.
MERRY
Well it worked well in the book.
FRODO
Also, we didn?t have Bombadil to give us the hook for the next stage of the quest. Where should we make for?
PIPPIN (holding out a copy of ?A Guide to the Inns of the Four Farthings and Associated Areas)
Fortunately, we have this nifty plot device. Let me see. Oh, it says here that, “Four miles along the road we will come to upon a village, Bree under Bree-Hill, and that there is an inn, ?The Prancing Pony?, with doors facing westward. Barliman Butterbur is the worthy keeper.”
MERRY (still holding his copy of LotR)
Hmmm… That sounds familiar. Oh, I?m mean, “Yes, the Prancing Pony is a good inn by all accounts. Some of the Brandybucks ride out there now and again.”
They come to Bree. There is an in Inn with doors looking westward.
EXTERIOR RAMADA INN (Close Up of A Sign with a Rampant Horse above the words ?RAMADA INN?)
SAM
Look, the sign of the Prancing Pony.
They Enter.
INTERIOR RUSTIC INN: They see BARLIMAN.
BARLIMAN
Hi, I?m Barliman Butterbur. I should remember something, but I don?t. Would you like some beer while I try to remember?
PIPPIN
Great, I?m parched!
FRODO
Sorry, this is a family movie. No beer.
PIPPIN
Ahhh, but this is New Zealand!
Pippin turns to Barliman.
PIPPIN
We?ll all have beers.
They do.
MERRY and PIPPIN get blasted and sing Led Zeppelin in the background. SAM eats an enormously long sandwich. FRODO sees STRIDER. STRIDER is wearing a tattered black cloak and brown clothes. He looks rugged and handsome. He has a sheathed sword, and there is a surfboard beside him. He wears a straw hat.
STRIDER
Oh, like, I?m called Strider. I?m not necessarily who I appear to be.
FRODO
I?m.. Fr.. I?m mean Mr. Underhill. I?m not necessarily who I appear to be, either.
STRIDER (pointing to Merry and Pippin)
Dude, if I were you I?d stop your young friends from talking too much. There are queer folk about.
SAM
I resent that remark!
MERRY
But if the Balrog had actually wings, it couldn?t have possibly fallen into the abyss!
BREELANDER EXTRA #1
Ahh, but they don?t have to be functional wings!
STRIDER
Like, do something quick, dude, before they reveal something critical to the plot!
FRODO takes out his ring and puts it on. He disappears. Everyone stops talking and turns and looks at where Frodo last was.
STRIDER hits his forehead with his palm.
STRIDER
Doh!
FRODO takes off his ring and reappears closer to Strider.
FRODO
Did that work?
STRIDER
In a manner of speaking.
Six ORCS, five evil looking VILLAINS, four TROLLS, three NAZGUL, two NAZI SS, and CHRISTOPHER LEE get up and leave the bar. STRIDER is left with only the HOBBITS.
STRIDER
Well, I think at least your secret is out, dude. Now I shall reveal mine.
Everyone pauses with baited breath. DRAMATIC MUSIC plays.
STRIDER
I?m the male romantic lead.
SAM
That depends on your point of view.
FRODO
Really. Why should we take your word for this?
STRIDER
Well I am very roguish looking and handsome, aren?t I? Never mind, I?m the best that they could do under the circumstances, so like, you are just going to have to live with it. I?m critical to the rest of the plot of the movie, so why don?t you take me along.
SAM
I don?t see why we need him, Mr. Frodo.
BARLIMAN (comes up with an envelope.)
I just remembered what I forgot. I hope Gandalf isn?t mad.
FRODO opens the envelope.
FRODO
It?s from Gandalf. It says that we should look for a scruffy looking man with an Amish hat, a surfboard, and a broken sword. He?s the romantic lead.
STRIDER
Like cool, daddy-o. One Amish hat, check. One surfboard, check…
SAM (interrupting)
I still don?t think we need him. Can?t we do another clean lift? I think we have a pretty good thing going already, and if anything, I think we need fewer people on this journey. It would be more intim.. I mean safer that way. Besides, this guy in the straw hat doesn?t look much like Strider. Maybe he killed the real Strider and took his place.
STRIDER
Sam, like if I could off the real Strider, then I could off you, see? Then I could have Frodo by myself without so much talk. But, fortunately for you hep-cats, I am Aragorn son of Arathorn and if by life or death I can save you, I will!
ARAGORN draws his sword. It?s broken.
STRIDER
And one righteously broken sword, check. Woo hoo, I am the romantic lead.
FRODO
Well I guess that settles it. He looks foul, but feels fair. We should just be thankful the casting department did this well.
MERRY
Wait a minute. Swords. We still don?t have swords.
STRIDER
Oh, well that?s easily amended.
STRIDER goes over to a big cabinet. It is filled with LotR merchandise. He takes out four swords.
STRIDER
There you go, four genuine officially licensed Numenorean blades. Now we need to go to Weathertop.
PIPPIN (sheathing sword)
Why?s that?
STRIDER
So we can finally see some of these Black Riders.
STRIDER and the HOBBITS get up and exit together. They mount ponies and ride off down the road. As they disappear into the distance we hear voiceovers.
EXTERIOR RAMADA INN
PIPPIN
So what was it like being the son of a famous Numenorean like Arathorn.
STRIDER
Dude, it was like so rough. I don?t want to talk about it. He may sound cool in the stories, but in real life he is just a no good alcoholic that abandoned me as a child. On the plus side, it gave me this really brooding but sensitive personality that the chicks just dig.
ME
SCENE cuts to GANDALF who is walking along the road, eating a ridiculously long sandwich.
GANDALF (to himself)
Hmmm… I think it’s about time to do something heroic, lest the audience think I am just an old guy who complains a lot.
THREE ORCS jump out from behind the bushes. They are GREEN with big TUSKS and GRUNT A LOT.
ORC 1
Uhhh… Ooogggg…
GANDALF
Excuse me, did I hear that correctly?
ORC 2
MMMGGGGG!!!!
GANDALF (looks at his watch)
Oh, my! Look at the time! I am afraid I will have to kill you now!
GANDALF waves his staff and a cloud of fire erupts, killing all the ORCS. GANDALF snuffs out fires.
GANDALF (to himself)
Well, that was worth 300 experience points! Anyway, nothing more to see here folks, but remember – only you can prevent forest fires!
GANDALF continues walking along the road.
SCENE cuts to the DARK TOWER. Large throne, complete with ornate skulls, is sitting in a dark room full of flames and shadows. Big shadowy guy with armor and horns everywhere is sitting on the throne. He has one big red eye. The Mouth of Sauron is standing before him.
MOUTH
Um… Master, our forces have not yet found the Ring. Should we keep looking?
SAURON
DUH!!!! Yes, keep looking! What do think I pay you idiots for?!
MOUTH
Ummm… Yes, good point.
MOUTH scurries off, leaving SAURON alone
SAURON gets up from his throne and walks over to one wall. There, a nicely painted portrait of Aragorn is hanging, along with pictures of the other Kings of Gondor.
SAURON (to himself)
I have waited a long time for this moment to crush you… They never told you what happened to your father, but you will see! Soon, Aragorn, you will know that I am the Lord of All Evil and I will eat your soul!
SAURON begins evil laughter while waving around an absurdly large sword. Scene fades back to GANDALF who is now reaching ORTHANC.
GANDALF is standing at the gates of ISENGARD. He seems a bit confused as to why there are huge gates there.
GANDALF rings the doorbell
A small portal opens on the door and a little man looks out.
LITTLE MAN
Nobody sees the great Saruman, nowhere and no how!
GANDALF
But I am Gandalf!
LITTLE MAN
Sauron’s GANDALF! Well, that’s a wizard of a different color!
LITTLE MAN departs and the gates of ISENGARD open. GANDALF walks inside.
ISENGARD is looking more than a bit evil. There are no trees, but instead pillars of metal with orcish curses painted on them. Smoke is everywhere. Orthanc looms like a tower of doom in the distance.
LITTLE MAN
You will have to leave your sandwich behind – we don’t allow them here.
GANDALF
Wow… This place must be evil or something…
GANDALF walks up to ORTHANC and rings the doorbell. SARUMAN steps out, wearing tie-dyed robes.
SARUMAN
I am SARUMAN. Come and enter of your own free will.
They shake hands and walk inside.
SARUMAN’S throne room looks a lot like SAURON’s, but there are less skulls, shadows, and flames because he does not yet have the right to have such cool evilness.
SARUMAN
Anyway, I am evil now, just to warn you.
GANDALF
Uh, yeah. What did you do to your robes?
SARUMAN
Oh, these? Well, I got them done at a discount store that offered to make them all sorts of cool colors.
GANDALF
But aren’t you Saruman the White?
SARUMAN
SHHHHH!!!! We can’t say that! That’s politically incorrect! Then they would want a black wizard! Sheesh! Anyway, I am now Saruman the Colorful!
GANDALF
I liked white better.
SARUMAN
Oh, yeah, sure. Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep white robes clean in this filthy place! I went through a fortune in bleach. Well, that’s beside the point. I brought you here to tell you to help me get the Ring or die.
GANDALF
Isn’t that a bit blunt? I thought you were supposed to charm me into helping you.
SARUMAN
Yeah, well, I just don’t feel like it. You gonna help me or am I gonna have to bash your head in?
GANDALF
Was Radagast involved in your little plan?
SARUMAN
Rada-who?
GANDALF
Never mind. Why are you doing this? Surely you realize that the Ring must be destroyed! If not, we are all doomed!
SARUMAN
Yes, but if we take the Ring for our own, we will be the bosses and get to have our own Dark Tower and tell people what to do!
GANDALF
That sounds tempting, but will there be any ridiculously long sandwiches?
SARUMAN
Of course not!
GANDALF
Then I cannot help you! You have become evil Saruman, evil and twisted!
SARUMAN
Yeah, I told you that at the beginning.
GANDALF
Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t. Anyway, I will be leaving now
SARUMAN
Oh, I don’t think so!
SARUMAN picks up his staff and waves it at GANDALF
GANDALF
I see your staff is as big as mine. Let’s see how well you handle it!
MEANINGLESS STAFF BATTLE with magical explosions begins. In the end,
GANDALF loses and is knocked out.
SARUMAN
Sleep lightly Gandalf. When you awake, you will be placed in my Roof of Easy Escapes!!!!
SARUMAN begins laughing and the scene fades back to the merry wanders who are still looking for Nazgul…
STRIDER and the HOBBITS disappear around a corner. CUT to view in front of the group.
SAM
Apples for walking, and a pipe for sitting. I reckon I’ll miss them both before long.
They pass by a hedge where BILL FERNY is staring boldly at the group. FERNY is a large man with heavy black brows. He has tangled wavy hair and a beard.
FERNY
Morning, Longshanks! Off early? Found some friends at last?
STRIDER nods
FERNY
Morning, my little friends! I suppose you know who you’ve taken up with? Watch out tonight! And you, Sammie, don’t go ill-treating my poor old pony!
SAM
And you Ferny, put your ugly face out of sight or it will get hurt!
SAM THROWS an apple, hitting FERNY in the forehead. FERNY is stunned and falls unconscious to the ground.
SAM
Waste of a good?
STRIDER (cutting in)
Sam what are you doing? Where did you get that apple and what’s in it?
SAM (unconcerned)
Oh, it’s a plastic apple with a lead core. A fan from one of those message boards gave it to me and thought it would add a nice touch of realism in the scene. And anyway, that Ferny is a really mean person.
STRIDER (alarmed)
Don’t you know fool!?! That’s the director! It’s his cameo appearance!
HOBBITS (together)
Gasp!
They run over to the fallen DIRECTOR. He has a cut on his forehead spreading blood down half of his face. He groans and opens his eyes.
HOBBITS (together)
Oh, I’m sorry sir!
Sir, are you ok?
Sir, sir, speak to us!
The DIRECTOR sits up and groans. He gingerly touches his head.
DIRECTOR
Oh, talk about deja vu. You just better hope I didn’t crack my head open like I did on my first movie. No one ever takes you seriously when you have a belt around your head.
The DIRECTOR stands up, a little unsteadily. He looms over the HOBBITS.
DIRECTOR
Now, if I ever hear you guys hanging out with those message board people again, I’m going to do something very unpleasant to you in post-production. You think that your height is the only thing I can shrink?
HOBBITS (together)
Gasp!
DIRECTOR
Good. Now I need to find a ridiculously large bottle of aspirin. And you get back to work!
He exits.
The party looks at each other in embarrassment. STRIDER shrugs and assumes command.
STRIDER
Come on you hobbits! We need to get to Weathertop. We’ve got a date with a Nazgul!
They all march down the road.
OK, here goes my bit.
(Cut to scene on top of Orthanc. Gandalf is wandering about, hands behind him, wolves are howling below. An immense Eagle flies up. Emblazoned on its wings are two huge blue decals, and across each flank are the words ‘MANWE AIRLINES’.)
GWAIHIR:
Hi there! I’m Gwaihir, fly me!
GANDALF:
Gwaihir, swiftest of eagles, can you bear me from this place.
GWAIHIR:
What’s it worth?
(Gandalf searches his pockets.)
GANDALF:
Half of a ridiculously long sandwich?
GWAIHIR:
You’re on.
GANDALF:
Not yet, I’m not!
(Clambers on and holds tight. Gwaihir takes off, and the wolves howl even more)
GWAIHIR:
Why do the wolves howl so?
GANDALF:
No trees in Isengard!
(They fly off to Edoras, which looks remarkably like Helms Deep. Gwaihir leaves Gandalf at the gates. Hama is there. Hama says something incomprehensible in Rohirric, but then holds up a big black board with white lettering on it. The letters say ‘WELCOME TO EDORAS, GANDALF!’)
GANDALF:
What’s with the board?
HAMA:
Subtitles!
(Gandalf nods sagely. At that moment Eowyn flies past wearing only her underwear, quickly pursued by Grima Wormtongue with his arms out stretched. He is the spitting image of Benny Hill. (No relation to Bernard). As he runs past there is a brief snatch of ‘The Benny Hill Show’ theme music. Both Gandalf and Hama watch this for a moment and then look at each other again.)
HAMA:
So, what can I do for you!
GANDALF:
I need a horse!
HAMA:
Yes, horses, we got lots of that! So how are you going to pay for it!
GANDALF:
I have twenty thousand Gondorian credits.
HAMA:
Credits are no good out here. I need something more valuable.
(Gandalf makes a pass with his hand.)
GANDALF:
Nevertheless, credits will do!
HAMA:
No, they won’t!
(Gandalf makes another pass with his hand.)
GANDALF:
Credits will do!
HAMA:
No, they won’t! Why do you keep waving your hand about like that? What do you think you are, some kind of Wizard? Mind tricks don’t work on me, I’m one of the Rohirrim!
(Directors voice from the back. “Cut the silly dialogue, give him the horse, and get on with it!” Gandalf and Hama shrug at each other. Hama points at a horse, Shadowfax. Gandalf gets on it and rides off north.)
GANDALF:
Hi ho Shadow, away!
Hama, over and out.
CUT TO four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY walking north of Bree. Suddenly, they take a step forward and…
CUT TO WEATHERTOP. Four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY look stunned. FRODO takes a step back and…
CUT TO BREE. Frodo stands there alone. He is stunned. He is suddenly joined by Three HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a stunned looking POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY. They all stand there for a moment, then take a step north.
CUT TO WEATHERTOP. Four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY look even more stunned.
FRODO
What in the name of Elbereth is the meaning of this?
STRIDER
Umm.. Like, I think it’s a clean lift, man. Everything between Bree and Weathertop has been cut out.
FRODO (Bright)
Oh, OK! That makes sense now!
EVERYONE LOOKS RELIEVED.
STRIDER
Now that we’re, like, on Weathertop, let’s like set up camp right at the top within clear sight of everything up to several hundred miles away. They’ll never expect it.
STRIDER juts his chin forward and furrows his eyebrows.
EVERYONE
GASP! How manly!
CUT TO four HOBBITS and STRIDER sitting around a campfire. In the back, BILL THE PONY is playing cards with the POT ROAST.
BILL THE PONY
Go fish.
Suddenly, FOUR NAZGUL step out into the clearing. They look MEAN and SINISTER. OMINOUS, SCARY MUSIC plays.
EVERYONE
I’m frightened!
The NAZGUL step out and with a smooth, fluid motion, all four draw their SWORDS simultaneously, and swirl them in unison. Everyone CLAPS. The NAZGUL go into a spectacular tap-dancing sequence which leaves the HOBBITS on the floor, stunned with the fancy footwork and dancing ability of the terrible foursome. The HOBBITS draw their swords. The NAZGUL approach menacingly and BILL THE PONY wets himself. The LEAD NAZGUL charges and stabs FRODO with a dagger.
FRODO
Ouch!
SAM
We’re doomed, Mr. Frodo sir! There’s no way we can get out of this. We’d need a miracle!
SUDDENLY, a thundering sound like a herd of charging elephants can be heard in the distance.
PIPPIN
What’s that?
STRIDER
Dude, I think it’s like a miracle!
SUDDENLY, a GREAT SHAPE comes flying out of the forest into the clearing! Sinew and muscle fly in a whirlwind, sending GIANT AXES and ELVEN SWORDS and BILL THE PONY flying towards the Nazgul! Two of the Nazgul, knowing they are beaten, tear off into the woods screaming like little schoolgirls.
NAZGUL #1 and #2
AIEEEEEE!
The WHIRLWIND OF MUSCLE beats off the remaining NAZGUL using PIPPIN TOOK as a bat.
PIPPIN
Ouch!
FINALLY, the new arrival stands still. She is 6’4 and built like a CEMENT TRUCK. Her muscles have muscles. She is wearing a tight LEATHER BIKINI, tastefully done in autumnal colors. She wears a TURBAN.
STRIDER
See, guys, I knew you’d be surprised when you met my girlfriend!
ARWEN (In a think Austrian accent)
Aragorn my love!
The two EMBRACE. The CRACKING OF BONES can be heard. ARAGORN squeals, and Arwen drops him.
ARWEN
Sorry about dat.
ARWEN turns to hobbits.
ARWEN
I am Arwen the Barbarian, warrior princess and evenstar of der Elven people. I wear dis, der colors of autumn, to significify the fading of der proud race of de elven peoples. We is fading fast, but we still help der peoples of middle earth. Sometimes I photocopy my bum.
SAM
THE Arwen the Barbarian?
PIPPIN
The one with beauty unequalled in Middle Earth?
MERRY
The one who is like the evening to her people?
FRODO
The one who bare-handedly kills dragons?
MERRY
Which ones?
FRODO
All of them.
ARWEN
Der same. And now, along with Strider my eternal love, we must escape into der woods before der dark riders come back.
ARWEN looks at FRODO.
ARWEN
You’re hurt! Here, ride my horse!
ARWEN bellows into the woods. A grey horse runs out. FRODO climbs onto the HORSE. the HORSE climbs onto ARWEN. They run off into the woods. STRIDER, the HOBBITS, BILL THE PONY and the POT ROAST follow…
(Scene suddenly changes to a psychiatrist’s office. Frodo is on the couch.)
FRODO:
Doctor, I have these terrible feelings of inadequacy. I’ve been trying to get in touch with my inner child, but other peoples’ inner children keep threatening to beat me up and take my lunch money. I have these terrible headaches, and I’m nauseous all the time, and I think I have a fever blister coming. I’ve never been able to establish a healthy relationship with any woman other than my mother, who heaps this terrible guilt on my head because I didn’t fulfil her dream of my becoming either a rabbi or the originator of a really great recipe for tuna casserole. I have this terrible fear of being sexually unattractive to women. I think about death all the time, and I wonder if life is just a meaningless void of horror and despair, like an evening at the Ice Capades.
PSYCHIATRIST:
I see.
FRODO:
Well, I don’t! What am I talking about? This dialogue doesn’t seem right for the story. And where am I?
PSYCHIATRIST:
New York, of course. It’s the best place to be Jewish, neurotic, miserable and sexually frustrated.
FRODO:
I’m none of those things! Why are we interrupting the story? Where’s the director? Where’s PJ?
PSYCHIATRIST:
He’s getting a root canal. Woody Allen is filling in.
FRODO:
Well, he’s all wrong for this story! And I don’t have time for analysis!
PSYCHIATRIST:
Ah, then! You don’t feel inadequate?
FRODO:
Of course I do! I’m the Ringbearer, for cryin’ out loud! Who wouldn’t be inadequate?
PSYCHIATRIST:
Tell me about your feelings. Let’s do inadequacy first, then take the others alphabetically.
FRODO:
Do I have to keep wearing these glasses? The frames are just awful.
PSYCHIATRIST:
Whatever.
FRODO:
Well, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, which in fact it is. And sometimes…hey! Are we in black and white?
PSYCHIATRIST:
Yes. Very artsy. You’ll also notice, if you look around, that the room is filled with Freudian symbols, Art Deco and references to Ingmar Bergman. This is comedy, but it’s comedy for really smart people. You watch it, then you discuss it over espresso.
FRODO:
That’s too pretentious! As Liv says, it’s just a movie.
PSYCHIATRIST:
It’s not a movie! It’s a film.
FRODO:
It was a movie when we started. And it wasn’t an intellectual comedy. It was a fantasy.
PSYCHIATRIST:
Ah, fantasies! Yes, tell me about your fantasies. Don’t be embarrassed.
FRODO:
Are you referring to Sam? Well, that’s a load of Balrog droppings, pal! Darn that Ted Sandyman, shooting off his mouth! I’m outta here!
(Frodo storms out)
DIRECTOR:
Cut! That’s a wrap. Add a little Dixieland jazz, it’ll be okay. Where’s my wife? Gee, I hope she didn’t miss the school bus!
(Scene changes suddenly to whatever it should have been in the first place.)
Just as Frodo is leaving, Tom Bombadil and Old Man Willow walk into the office, and they look rather angry…
Frodo is back with Arwen, Aragorn, the other Hobbits, Bill the Pony, and the Pot Roast. They are sitting around the road near Weathertop.
SAM
“Um… Didn’t you get stabbed or something, Mr. Frodo?”
FRODO
“Oh, yeah…” and resumes holding his wounded arm.
SAM
“Uh, it was the other arm.”
Frodo shifts arms and resumes his acting.
FRODO
“Oh dear, it seems I have been stabbed by the evil knife of the Nazgul! Where is the faded King? Where is the King?”
ELVIS walks by briefly, saying, “Right, here, and thank you very much for remembering me.” He then takes a few more steps and runs into a camera platform.
The camera platform collapses behind the heroes as they discuss what to do with Frodo.
ARAGORN
“Like, we should take to Elrond’s House of Elven Wenches!!”
All the others look at him strangely.
ARAGORN
“Umm…. I didn’t say that…. I meant, we should take him to Elrond House and get him patched up again!”
POT ROAST
“Nah, let’s eat him!”
All the others looked at the POT ROAST strangely.
POT ROAST
“What?! How would you feel being food on a long trip! Next thing I know, you’ll be eating me!!!”
Everyone just shook their heads and sighed. Then, a few technical directors ran by and started clearing the ruined platform from the road. The Fellowship continues onto Elrond’s house.
Some more odd scene transitions take place.
MERRY
“Hey, shouldn’t we have found some Trolls or something?”
ARAGORN
“Nah, that’s for the Special Edition!”
They reach the Bridge leading over the River and into Rivendell. As they are walking along, a tiny horse with an equally small rider comes by.
ARWEN
“It iz Glorfindel!”
SAM
“Uh… aren’t Elves taller than that?”
ARWEN
“No. I am ze the main woman of ze story, and thuz I am big and strong. But I am ze Queen of the Elves, a group of small woodland creatures.”
FRODO
“Small woodland creatures? Wouldn’t that include squirrels?”
Just then, a wraith squirrel leaps out from nowhere and eats Glorfindel in one bite.
SAM
“Gee, I wonder how those little Elves managed to defeat Sauron?”
Gandalf comes riding up out of nowhere.
GANDALF
“Well, it all started many years ago, back in the age of magic and mystery…”
SCREEN BEGINS TO FADE TO SECOND AGE BATTLE AGAIN.
FRODO
“Enough!!! Look, Nazgul!”
All Nine Nazgul are standing on the bridge.
GANDALF
“Nazgul – I hate these guys!”
WITCH KING
“I am the Witch King and I am a really bad dude. Surrender the Ring and no one gets hurt!”
FRODO
“Never!”
WITCH KING
“If only you knew the power of the Dark Side. You will obey.”
All of the Nazgul begin to march forward. Suddenly, the bridge collapses from their combined weight and they all fall in. The WITCH KING survives and emerges from the water. ARWEN runs up to him and they begin fighting for no real reason.
ARWEN
“You are beaten! It is useless to resist!”
WITCH KING
“That was my line!”
The WITCH KING knocks ARWEN to one side and heads towards FRODO. GANDALF raises his staff to cast a spell, but he realizes that he left his staff back at Orthanc.
Just as the WITCH KING is about to kill FRODO, ARWEN fires a rocket launcher into him and he is blown into gory pieces. His spirit, which looks like ghost from the old Pac Man video game, goes scurrying back to Mordor.
FRODO:
“Wow! That was cool!”
SAM
“Hey, Gandalf, why did you help us?”
GANDALF
“Because I lost my staff. However, it is easy to get a real Gandalf staff. Just go to your local toy store and ask for Gandalf’s Magic Staff and you can have your own magic staff, just like mine!”
The Fellowship enters Rivendell and Gandalf sets off to buy himself a new staff…
Or it could have been like this—
Flight to the Ford
The hobbits depart Weathertop eastward, with Frodo slumped atop Arwen the Barbarian’s horse.
PIPPIN
I want a turn on the horse! Frodo’s been on his lazy arse all morning!
STRIDER
Pippin, are you forgetting the wound which he bears?
PIPPIN (mumbling)
Always some excuse or another to be in the spotlight…
GLORFINDEL (pops out from behind a tree)
Hail friends, I’ve come to lend my aid!
ARWEN
Begone Glorfindel, to pull in over $40 mil the first weekend, I’m PJ’s ticket!
GLORFINDEL (as he wanders back off into the woods)
This isn’t fair! First Bakshi cuts me, now this one too!
FRODO (looking west along the road)
Uh, Strider. Remember when I said we should stay off the road, but then you said to take the road because we need to make good time, and then you wouldn’t stop at the last rest stop even when I said I REALLY had to go, but then I said..
STRIDER (interrupting)
Frodo, what IS it already!?!
FRODO
NAZGUL are following us!
MERRY
Where’s Gandalf? Left us again. Just when a wizard would have been most useful.
STRIDER
Sorry Merry, I think that’s from the Hobbit.
MERRY
Which hobbit?
STRIDER
You know, THE Hobbit. The part where the dwarves see the trolls and Balin says…
MERRY (interrupting)
Where’s a troll? Isn’t this bad enough with the Nazgul coming!
ARWEN
Enough bantering, you two. You sound like an old married couple. Frodo, hit the road. We’ll try to hold them off, won’t we my brave hobbits? Hobbits?
SAM (from behind a quivering bush)
YOU hold them off, Xena!
ARWEN (to her steed)
Fly, my steed, Fly!
MERRY (whispering to Strider)
Your girlfriend talks to horses.
STRIDER (rolling his eyes)
Dude, I know.
Frodo flies off toward the Ford of Bruinen with the Nazgul in hot pursuit. The hobbits moon them as they pass.
FRODO (from the other side of the river)
Come on suckers, the water’s fine.
NAZGUL
What do you mean? Why wouldn’t the water be fine?
FRODO
No reason, I just mean that, uh, hey don’t you want to get me or something?
The Nazgul look at each other, shrug, then start to cross the river. Moments later, they are shocked to see a tidal wave of raw sewage rushing downstream toward them. The smell of the sewage overcomes Frodo. He heard and saw no more.
Book Two
Many Meetings
Frodo slowly awakens to the sound of a heart-monitoring device beeping steadily.
GANDALF
Hah, I TOLD you he’d make it! Pay up Elrond!
ELROND (hands a few gold coins to Gandalf)
A strong hobbit indeed.
FRODO
You’re my doctor, but you bet I wouldn’t make it?
ELROND (checking Frodo’s IV)
Well, Frodo it didn’t look good. You see, the knife had penetrated the trapezoidal muscle mass. The CAT scan revealed that the tip had already made its way to the upper bronchial artery plus with the danger to the..
FRODO
Whoa, there. English doc, English.
ELROND
Two days of light activity and easy on the pipeweed.
FRODO
Two days? I thought you said this was a grave wound and that I could have died!
ELROND (embarrassed)
Well yes, but it would seem your insurance isn’t up to date, and well, you know.
GANDALF
Frodo now that you’re awake, there’s someone who wishes to see you.
FRODO (excited)
Sam? Is it Sam?!?
GANDALF
No. Why did you think it was Sam?
FRODO
Er, no reason. Who is it then?
GANDALF
Why your old friend Bilbo!
FRODO
Bilbo! Why it’s that old coot’s fault that I’m in this crazy mess! Him and his stupid rings and treasures.
GANDALF
Frodo, that’s not a very nice thing to say.
ELROND
It’s alright Gandalf, just the Demoral talking. He’ll be his old, friendly self in no time, once the anaesthesia wears off.
GANDALF
Well, I promised Bilbo I’d bring him to see you when you awoke, drug-induced haze or not.
FRODO
In a moment, Gandalf. Could you pass me that bedpan…
MANY MEETINGS:
SCENE: GANDALF and SAM are sitting next to FRODO’S bed. The Hobbit is resting and seems to be recovering from his sword wound – hopefully on the proper arm… FRODO stirs and opens his eyes…
GANDALF (while running around insanely):
“It’s alive! It’s alive!!!”
SAM:
“Um… you really don’t have to do that just cuz Mr. Frodo is alive, sir…”
GANDALF:
“It’s alive! It’s – oh, yeah… Anyway, it’s good to have you back in the world of the living, Frodo. That little knife could have ended your life quick, don’t you know?”
FRODO (stares blankly at GANDALF)”
“Yeah… that’s what knifes are for…”
GANDALF looks dumbly at Frodo, blinks a few times, scratches his butt, and then assumes the air of a really important wizard. He stands up – and his his head on the low rafters.
GANDALF:
“Ouch!”
FRODO:
“So where’s the end of the knife that was heading towards my heart to make me into the tenth little Ringwraith after the Ring is taken from me?”
GANDALF:
“How did you know about that?!”
FRODO:
“Hey, I read the book!”
SAM:
“Isn’t it about time we do something cool to impress the audience?”
GANDALF:
“Yes, it is!”
An ORC walks in. GANDALF blows it into chunky bits. He then bends down and lights his pipe on the flaming ashes.
SAM:
“Didn’t you give up smoking?”
GANDALF:
“Nay, you have me confused with another Gandalf…”
SAM:
“Huh?”
FRODO:
“It’s time to meet people, isn’t it? Or is the title for this chapter all wrong?”
SCENE FADES TO BLACK
NEW SCENE: FRODO is talking to BILBO in a modest hallway. BILBO is looking out a window while sitting on a chair. He is NOT wearing his slippers.
FRODO:
“Soooo… there you are!! You sent me on this stupid quest to destroy this Ring – I could have been killed you know!!!”
BILBO:
“Yes, well… Elrond’s House of Elven Wenches is so much more fun than the Shire…”
FRODO stares blankly.
BILBO:
“Um… I didn’t say that. Anyway, I am rather drunk right now, so you should really leave me be.”
FRODO waits awhile, and then says:
“Aren’t you supposed to tell me a poem about some famous sailor or something?”
BILBO:
“Can’t. That’s for the Special Edition, available in all good video stores after the release of the Return of the King… Do you want to go Elrond’s House of Elven -”
FRODO:
“ENOUGH!!! The answer is yes, of course…”
SCENE FADES TO BLACK.
TIME PASSES
NEW SCENE: Elrond’s meeting hall. It is reasonably large and full of ornate pillars and carvings on the walls, all done in motifs of leaves and flowers. The stones are generally green or blue. There are many windows, and the light of sunset is streaming through them.
FRODO and BILBO enter. Both seem unusually happy for some reason…
GANDALF:
“It is time to introduce you to all the cool dudes who will help you on your Quest!”
ARWEN thunders to the front and practically knocks GANDALF over. He drops his staff.
ARWEN:
“There iz no need for a Fellowzip. I am the hero. I will deztroy Zauron with my bare handz…”
GANDALF:
“Oh, great – just give away the plot, why don’t you! Look, we need a Fellowship to keep this movie remotely like the Lord of the Rings!”
ARWEN:
“Ze Lord of the Rings? Never heard of it.”
GANDALF:
“Of course not… Anyhow, it seems you have already met Aragorn and Arwen… Next on the list is Boromir…”
BOROMIR stands up. He seems more than a bit confused as to why he is there.
BOROMIR:
“I have no clue why I am here. Wasn’t I supposed to have a dream or something?”
GANDALF:
“Yeah, well, your here to provide the noble sacri- uh, never mind. Hmmm… Next up is Legolas!”
NOBODY is seen to respond to that name.
GANDALF:
“Legolas? Are you hear, man?!”
LEGOLAS:
“Over here, you big oaf!”
SCENE shifts to focus on LEGOLAS. The Elf is tiny (about 1 foot tall) and is busy talking to the pot roast on the table.
SAM:
“What is with the tiny Elves?!”
FRODO:
“I don’t know. Arwen said they are tiny, so they are.”
SAM:
“Does that make any sense?”
FRODO:
“Has anything else you’ve seen here?”
GANDALF:
“Well, we have our four Hobbits, our hero-ranger dude, our noble sacrifice guy, our super-woman heroin, and our tiny Elf comedy relief person… What else do we need? Oh, yes… A Dwarf! Gimli, son of Gloin!”
RANDOM PERSON:
“Gloin? Is that pronounced like groin?”
GIMLI carves him in two pieces. Meaningless splattering of blood everywhere.
GIMLI:
“Thank you, Gandalf, and I need a swig of some strong Dwwarrvveeennn Ale!”
FRODO:
“Oh, no… Is he going to be saying that through the whole trip?!”
GANDALF:
“Okay, now its time for Elrond to show up!”
ELROND walks in. He is tiny (about 1.5 feet tall) and has a spinning crown of stars over his head. He is dressed in green and wearing a ring with a blue stone.
ELROND:
“Okay, it’s story time – on to The Council of Elrond!!”
SCENE FADES…
SCENE: COUNCIL ROOM OF IMLADRIS
The room is huge and iridescent, no angles all curves. A long oblong table occupies the center, surrounded by a wild variety of chairs, with a little nook off to one side. This is what we see as FADE IN.
SAM
Snores gently, arms folded over his belly. A fly buzzes his nose, which he flicks away. Camera follows doomed insect spinning little bug guts in a pinwheel.
CUT TO EXTREME CLOSE-UP of ELROND
ELROND sitting in his high chair, the bib plate down. He bangs his aluminium cup to get attention
All right, all right, you can cut the cards later, Legolas, just simmer down…
LEGOLAS
Hey, you can’t talk to me like that, my dad’s a king. And I don’t have any lines for five pages yet. And (looks at his cards, hurriedly hiding a smug look) gosh, what an awful hand.
GIMLI
Finally!
The pile of chips in front of the dwarf is much shorter than the elf’s
ELROND
Now we must discuss this Ring.
ARAGORN
Hey, that is soo uncool. What are we going to do about this sword?
GANDALF
Oh, I don’t know. Looks about the right length for you. Maybe Arwen has some she doesn’t want.
ARWEN
Smiling as sweetly as a 250-lb woman with blond braids and a horse in her lap can do
Zat is richt, mein loff. You vill be wery happy wehn I chow you de svord I haff for you!
ARAGORN, FRODO, GANDALF
Oy, vey…
DIRECTOR
Now, cut that out!
ELROND
Ahem!! I didn’t get myself into this chair just to listen to you children squabble. Now, first things first: Frodo, when are you leaving?
FRODO very dreamy voice
Leaving, Telperiel dear? Not yet…we hobbits have such great endurance…
BILBO
Wake up, you nit!
FRODO startled
Oh. Oh! Leaving? I just got here. Can’t I just have a little more peril in this lovely castle? Looks around. Imladris bears this very uncomfortable resemblance to a certain square stone block in the middle of a Scottish swamp
ELROND
No! I’ve got enough trouble with all these elves underfoot. You brought it, you bought it. Now you get it right on outta here.
ARAGORN
Now, dad…The lil guy doesn’t even know what you’re talking about..
FRODO
Oh, yes I do, Kahuna. If you had to sit through three different flashback sequences with Gandalf narrating… Sheesh! Couldn’t they have gotten Chris Lee to do those voice-overs? His voice is so dreamy…
GANDALF wearing his Fascist outfit from Richard III
Now, that’s quite enough of that! I didn’t spend 25 years slaving away in provincial theatre to have some horror show freak’s speaking voice used over this exquisite instrument I have honed to perfection!
BOROMIR
Do I get to talk now?
LEGOLAS
Only if you’re going to call my bet.
BOROMIR
Oh, sorry. Bets.
ELROND
Takes a long look around the table. Notices Glorfindel sitting at the other end
Didn’t we write you out of this?
GLORFINDEL wearing a t-shirt reading ‘I was cast in Lord of the Rings and all I got was this stinking t-shirt’
Nah. My agent threatened to sue PJ if I didn’t get one line.
ELROND
Oh, well, that’s very different. So, was that your line?
GLORFINDEL looks up, very surprised
Yeah…hey, this is cool—
Two orcs run in, snatch GLORFINDEL and drag him off, carving him into eensy little elfie pieces
ARWEN smugly
And the cost vas wery reathonable.
ELROND
Well, you’ve all managed to eat me out of house and home in just a week. So, you’re all nominated. Take that little rugrat with you tosses his staff at Sam, who wakes, snarling and just read the script. Do what it says and don’t let the door hit your butts on the way out.
Meeting adjourned!
FADE TO BLACK
THE THING GOES SOUTH
SCENE: (Bilbo?s room at Imladris. The 5 hobbits are discussing the Council of Elrond.)
PIPPIN: I can?t believe it! Sam sneaks into the Council and they reward him by sending him with you, Frodo!
SAM: (dreamily) I know….
PIPPIN: Together, day and night, sweating and laboring together through all the wide lands between here and Mordor.
SAM: (dreamily) I know….
PIPPIN: And if things get tough, holding your hand, sharing the same food, cup, bedroll maybe….
SAM: (dreamily) I know…. (Leans head on Frodo?s knee.)
FRODO: Hey! Cut that out!
(Pippin shuts up, rolls eyes upward and whistles innocently. Sam snaps upright, begins fiddling with cooking gear, making enormously long sandwich.)
GANDALF: (Leans in Bilbo?s window, hits head on opening.) Ouch! Hullo, my fine hobbits, you?ll need some wisdom on your trip, so guess what: I?m coming with you!
(Hobbits groan in unison)
MERRY: Say, I hear Old Butterbur back at Bree needs a fresh spell put on his beer. Maybe you could see to that first….? (Trailing off, hopefully)
PIPPIN: Yeah, and I hear Elrond?s been having troll trouble north aways. Only Gandalf will do, I heard him say….?
FRODO: And you never can tell when the Ford of Bruinen will be racing with the spring melt-off….?
SAM: Would that be the ?mustang? shaped waves racing at the Ford, Mr. Frodo, Sir? (He and Frodo break up into peals of laughter. Other hobbits groan.)
GANDALF: Silence! I am coming with you, and that?s that!
ARWEN: (Walks up to window, leans in with her full weight, windowsill makes crunching sound. Yah! Und I am coming, too! Von?t dat be nize? I can tell you stories about all der tiny little elves, und I can show you photocopies I made for my boyfriend of my, er, um, body parts….
(Looking downcast, sad voice.) If only Orcs hadn?t eaten Papa in der lazt scene, zo I could zay gut-bye to him….
PIPPEN: But, the Orcs ate Glorfindel!
ARWEN: Yah, I know!
MERRY: But, you said they ate your Papa!
ARWEN: Yah… Und your point?
GANDALF: But ELROND’s your father!
ARWEN: OH!! You zee, I grew up thinking GLORFINDEL vas my Papa! You mean it is really Elrond? Oh joy! (Runs off to find her real Papa.)
MERRY: (To Pippin, shaking head.) Dude!
PIPPIN: Tell me about it!
(Days later, Elrond summons them.)
ELROND: OK, folks, the spies have returned, Aragorn?s sword?s been fixed, and all you hobbits have eaten me out of house and home. I?m down to my last pot roast! I am sending you forth, you Nine Walkers…
(Arwen comes running in, speaking in musical voice.)
ARWEN: Oh, Papa, don?t forget meee!
ELROND: …TEN! You Ten Walkers to oppose the Nine Nazgul. Now THAT should even things up a bit. I?ve given you what provisions I could.
BILBO: (Aside to Frodo.) And I?VE given you Sting and the old mithril coat, eh? (Elbows Frodo in the ribs.) Ouch!
(Boromir takes out war-horn while nobody?s looking, gives it a couple of great blasts!) HAROOOOOOOM!!! HAROOOOOOOM!!!
(Everybody hits the ground. Then Elrond sees it was just Boromir?s horn.)
ELROND: Will somebody PLEASE take that thing away from Boromir?!?!
BOROMIR: Nay, always have I let my horn cry when setting forth, and?. Oh, alright, sorry guys!
ELROND: Farewell Ni- er, TEN Walkers!
(Sam finishes packing, puts pack on Bill the pony?s back. Bill the pony climbs up on Arwen?s back. The Company waves goodbye to the lights of the Last Homely House.)
SAM: (To himself.) Oh, darn, I?ve forgot a bit of rope! Well, too late now! I guess I?ll just have to figure out some other way to tie up Mr. Frodo, er, um, help him climb that is. He, he, he….
::Coney seeing ‘Yosemite Sam-looking’ Gimli photo on web, MUST add the following…5/31 12:20p::
SCENE: (Outside Bruinen Ford, after Company turns South.)
GIMLI: (Can be heard bellowing from rear of Company) Dwaaaaarrrrrrvvennnn ALE!!!
FRODO: Oh no, he is going to be saying that the whole trip!
(Gimli stalks up to Legolas. He has an oversized leather and iron ring helmet pushed far back on his head, cartoonishly flaming-red beard parted in the middle, and two hand axes stuck in holsters on each hip.)
GIMLI: Wha-a-r-res mah Dwa-a-a-r-r-rven Ale, ya pointy-eared galoot!? ‘Cause Ahm Erebor Gimli, the roughest, toughest, rootin-tootinest, meanest hombre north o? the Runnin? River!!!
LEGOLAS: (Munching on carrot) Eh, what?s up, Gimli?
GIMLI: Somebody said yew had mah Dwarven Ale in your pack, and Ah WANTS IT BACK!!! (Hands stray toward hand axes in belt.)
(Legolas grabs Gimli by sides of head and plants a big kiss full on his mouth. Then, bouncing like a rubber ball 4 times around scenery, Legolas does a swan dive off a short cliff into the top of a nearby tree.)
(Gimli grabs helmet down onto head, squinches up eyes and jumps up and down.)
GIMLI: O-o-o-o-ooh! Ah HATES that varmint!!!
(As scene fades to black, the appropriate Warner Bros. music springs up in the background.)
THE THING GOES EVEN MORE SOUTH
SCENE: The Fellowship of the Thing are trekking through the Misty Mountains. Snow is falling. Oh, this is boring. Cut to BOROMIR blowing his war-horn.
HORN:
HAROOOOOOOM!!! HAROOOOOOOM!!!
(This starts off an avalanche which buries the entire Fellowship. ARWEN’s powerful arms are seen digging a hole out of the snow. She digs out each member of the Fellowship in turn).
FRODO (angrily shaking snow off himself)
Bloody hell, Boromir! Will you STOP doing that!
BOROMIR
Sorry, Thing-bearer. Hey, why ARE you the Thing-bearer, by the way? I was just wondering …
SAM (darkly)
Don’t trust him, Mr Frodo, he keeps looking at you in a funny way!
PIPPIN (pertly)
Well, YOU keep looking at Frodo in a funny way and I don’t see him complaining!
FRODO (going red)
Shut up, Pippin!
MERRY (soothingly)
Pip – give it a rest, mate.
ARWEN (cheerfully)
Now boyz, ztop arguing. Vat vould you do wizzout me to look after you all, huh?
FRODO (muttering)
We might have a decent script, for one thing …
GANDALF
Now, everybody, the avalanche has neatly cut off the Redhorn Pass so we can’t cross the mountains that way. Our only hope is go to through the Mines of Moria.
(Ominous music suddenly plays).
EVERYBODY
Oh no! Not – the Mines of Moria!
ARAGORN
I too have passed the Dimrill Stair but the memory is very evil. I do not wish to enter Moria a second time.
ARWEN
Und vy is zat, dahlink?
ARAGORN
Er … I can’t remember. No doubt the scriptwriters will tie that particular loose thread up.
(ARWEN pinches his cheek fondly. ARAGORN winces visibly).
FRODO
Wait a minute, everybody … what about the Wargs?
EVERYBODY
What about them?
FRODO
Well, they’re supposed to turn up around now.
PIPPIN
The crows, the crows!
FRODO
No, I said Wargs!
PIPPIN (yelling in alarm)
The crows! The crows! They’re looking at us in a funny way!
(The Fellowship suddenly notices a huge flock of crows diving towards them).
GANDALF
Duck, you fools!
(Everybody ducks.)
GIMLI (waving his axe at the crows)
Shove off, you overstuffed buzzards!
ARAGORN
Those crows are evil! They are spies of Sauron! His arm has grown long!
GIMLI
His arm’s grown bloody long if he can lob a bunch of crows at us from blinkin’ Barad-dur!
LEGOLAS
No, Gimli, you ignorant oik, that’s just a figure of speech. But I wouldn’t expect an uncouth, intellectually challenged child of Aule to know that.
(A sub-title appears on the screen. It says: ‘Aule’.)
GIMLI
Now listen here, you Silvan ponce …
(A sub-title appears on the screen. It says: ‘Silvan’.)
ARWEN (squeezing ARAGORN’S arm for no other reason than the fact he is standing next to her. He winces visibly.)
Boyz, boyz, boyz! All zis arguing!
FRODO
Arwen’s right. We should be demonstrating a true spirit of fellowship and solidarity and, you know, really get into that male bonding stuff.
SAM (under his breath)
Any time, Mr Frodo sir. You just say the word.
MERRY (yawning)
Sorry, but I’m bored. Where are the Wargs again?
(Right on cue, a sinister howling starts. A pack of Wargs bound into the clearing and start chasing the Fellowship round a tree. The Wargs are then shot with arrows by LEGOLAS, kicked by BILL the PONY and the POT ROAST, and cut to pieces with swords by ARWEN, ARAGORN, and EVERYBODY ELSE. Then GANDALF sets fire to all the trees and the Wargs run off again.)
ARAGORN (shouting)
The arm of Sauron has grown long!
LEGOLAS
Metaphorically speaking.
GIMLI (muttering)
Show-off!
GANDALF
Right, that was a bracing little interlude! How much screen-time does the Thing-bearer reckon?
FRODO
About thirty seconds.
GANDALF
Not bad, not bad. No need to wait for the Director’s Cut then!
(And so the Fellowship of the Thing journey to the Doors of Moria. BILL the PONY and the POT ROAST are carried by ARWEN, LEGOLAS carries GIMLI … you get the picture).
Next chapter: A JOURNEY IN THE DARK.
A JOURNEY IN THE DARK:
————————-
The Fellowship is trudging through the wilderness, heading towards the Mines of Moria. It is late evening and clouds speckle the sky as the moon rises.
ARAGORN:
“We are doomed.”
GANDALF:
“For the LAST TIME – will you stop saying that?! It does not make you look more heroic.”
LEGOLAS:
“Look, up in the sky!”
FRODO:
“Is it a bird?”
MERRY:
“Is is a plane”
SAM:
“Is it a man wearing tight tights?”
LEGOLAS:
“No, you dolts – it’s a black shadowy thing. Probably one of those winged Nazgul we’ve heard about.”
EVERYONE looks at him blankly.
LEGOLAS:
“Oh, come on! Didn’t you guys read the Lord of the Rings?”
GIMLI:
“Yeah, I think so… While I was drinking some strong, Dwarrrvveeennn Ale.”
GANDALF:
“Wasn’t there something about Sauron not sending the Nazgul across the River yet? Could this be some sort of plot-hole in the Master’s Work?”
THUNDERCLOUDS gather directly over GANDALF and lightning flashes.
GANDALF:
“Okay! Okay! I take it back!”
THUNDERCOULDS depart.
GIMLI:
“Well, considering how long Sauron’s arm is, I guess he could stick a Nazgul on our trails.”
GANDALF (sobbing):
“Aarrgghh!!! That’s a metaphorical arm!?!!”
GIMLI:
“Where? And what’s a metaphor? And how many arms do they usually have?”
Nobody says anything, and soon the party reaches the dismal lake that lies in front of the Gates to Moria.
PIPPIN:
“The air is foul here.”
GIMLI:
“Well, don’t look at me! I didn’t eat the beans before we left!”
GANDALF belches and then speaks:
“It seems we have reached the Lake of the Watcher!”
PIPPIN and MERRY:
“Huh?”
GANDALF lowers his eyebrows and puts an evil look on his face as he flips through his copy of the Fellowship of the Ring:
GANDALF:
“Oh, you’ll see my pretties… you’ll see…”
The FELLOWSHIP keeps walking and soon reaches the Gates of Moria.
GANDALF:
“Hmmmm… They seem to be locked…”
LEGOLAS:
“Duh. Would you leave your front door wide open in this place?”
GANDALF looks blankly at LEGOLAS and then says:
“Hey! Just whose the wise guy around here, anyway?!”
LEGOLAS:
“Oh, you are, most great and wise Goodolf, you are…”
GANDALF:
“That’s better!”
GANDALF begins muttering weird words of magic to the door. Cool sparkles and colors flash around him without much point. Finally, he beings simply beating on the door while cursing in Elven. Eventually, night falls and Gandalf gives up. He then pulls out a flask of wine and starts drinking.
GANDALF:
“Maybe I’ll understand this better if I get drunk first…”
TIME PASSES
POT ROAST (To itself)
“At least nobody’s eaten me yet!”
GANDALF:
“I’ve got it!”
He leaps up and hits his head on a low holly limb.
GANDALF:
“Ouch!”
He then rubs off the grime on the door and reads it aloud:
“I, a cool dead Elf of old, do hereby dedicate this door to the wonderful dwarves who live here and the Seven Kings of the Dwarves: Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, Loony, Hungry, Dopey, and Doc.”
GANDALF then walks over to ARWEN and says:
“As the needless addition to this story, you should have no problem getting this door open since the door magic only works against those it expects to be there.”
ENTIRE FELLOWSHIP:
“Huh?”
GANDALF to ARWEN:
“Oh, just open the stinking door!”
ARWEN walks up to the door and flexes her muscles. Lots of skin, needless grunting, sweat, etc. She then pries the doors open.
ARWEN:
“Zere. Ze doorz are open!”
GANDALF:
“Yes… we can see that…”
BOROMIR blows on horn. Rocks fall and something stirs in the water.
GANDALF:
“Why did you do that?!”
BOROMIR:
“Uh, just because, I guess…”
GANDALF:
“Well, just for that, you can go fight the Watcher!”
WATCHER emerges from the water. It has many tendrils, heads, and teeth. It is green-black and slimy.
BOROMIR:
“Arrrggghhh!!!!”
He then dives in and starts hacking at the Watcher.
ARWEN:
“I vill zhow it who iz bozz.”
ARWEN slowly strides into the water like a tank. She starts hacking at the Watcher. A needless battle takes place, full of explosions, screams, and weird, Matrix-like slow motion shots of people in battle. Near the end, a bunch of gals from Baywatch run by, wearing nearly nothing.
GANDALF (Looking at watch):
“Well, that was just the right amount of needless action for this scene. Lets go!”
The FELLOWSHIP piles into the Moria and closes the Gate behind them.
GANDALF:
“Ummm… why did we do that? Now we can’t get out…”
PIPPIN:
“According to the book, the Watcher is supposed to chase us in here and block the door with falling rocks.”
ARAGORN:
“How heroic! I like our version better – we killed three or four watchers and lit the whole lake on fire! Much cooler!”
GANDALF:
“Ah, well… It can’t be helped now. I guess we had to do that to keep the plot even remotely sane. Forward now!”
GANDALF takes a few steps forwards and then falls down a huge staircase.
GANDALF:
“AHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
MERRY:
“I knew we should have left him back at Rivendell.”
PIPPIN:
“I guess we have to go get him now.”
SAM:
“I have a bad feeling about this.”
OBI-WAN KENOBI:
“Duhhhhh…..”
POT ROAST:
“Onward!”
The FELLOWSHIP then journeys through the dark, with the Pot Roast in the lead…
The scene is DARK. Very DARK. In fact, the whole scene is BLACK as the fellowship apparently make their way down the stairs. Whispering can be heard. Finally, they make it to the bottom and find GANDALF.
GANDALF
Bloody stairs, crept right up on me… I’m OK…
Sounds of SCUFFLING heard
FRODO
Hey, who touched my bum?
EVERYBODY BUT SAM
Not me!
ARAGORN
Can somebody light a magical staff here? I can’t like see a thing!
GANDALF
Right, right… just a second…
MAGICAL STAFF lights up, illuminating a dark, scary set, obviously not completed yet.
PIPPIN
Actually, I think it was better without the light…
GANDALF extinguishes the light. They continue in complete darkness. GANDALF hits his head on a beam.
GANDALF
Ouch!
The TEN continue through the darkness. Suddenly, it gets just light enough to see… A CORPSE COMING OUT OF A CLOSET!
EVERYONE
AAAH!
It gets dark again. They walk forward, and it gets just light enough to see… A RUBBER SPIDER ON A STRING COMING DOWN IN FRONT OF THEM!
EVERYONE
AAAH!
It gets dark again. They travel forward. It gets just light enough for them to see… A PAGAN STATUE OF A LONG-FORGOTTEN GOD WITH BIG TEETH AND A TONGUE STICKING OUT!
EVERYONE
AAAH!
PIPPIN
Ok, this is getting tired…
MERRY
We need to get across how creepy and scary this place is…
Suddenly, it gets just light enough for them to see… A CORPSE OF A PAGAN STATUE OF A LONG-FORGOTTEN GOD WITH BIG TEETH AND A SPIDER STICKING OUT OF HIS MOUTH, LEAPING OUT OF A CLOSET!
EVERYONE
AAAH!
GANDALF
Everyone suitably frightened? Good!
CUT TO… a DARK ROOM with a WELL in the middle. Everyone seems to be getting ready for BED.
FRODO
Sam… That?s MY bedroll!
SAM (smiling coyly)
Oh… is it?
PIPPIN throws a rock into the well. Sounds are heard from below. The well throws the rock back.
GANDALF
No, Pippin! Whatever you do, do NOT throw anything down the well. The things down there are dark and… EVIL!!!
LIGHTNING flashes. OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS. Everyone GASPS.
PIPPIN
NOOOOOOOOO!!!
GANDALF
Yes. It all happened in the second age, when Men and Elves fought as one…
CUT TO second age.
CUT TO ARWEN slapping GANDALF around like a bad monkey
ARWEN
Dis is enuf of der schkreaming and der carryink on of der sekunt age, you gots dat?
GANDALF (Battered and bruised)
Killl… me…. let… me… die…
ARAGORN
Sorry man, you gotta fight the Balrog…
CUT TO wide angle shot of the company falling asleep. GANDALF writhes in pain. The camera slowly pans down to the WELL, where INDUSTRIAL MINING EQUIPMENT is heard… A THIN HOBBIT-LIKE CREATURE with BIG EYES done in TRON-like BAD CGI crawls into view, wearing a MINING HELMET. He FLICKS OFF the light on his helmet, disappearing in the darkness…
(Hey, I just have to take the Balrog scene!)
FRODO:
“Hey, did anyone see a terrible CGI character wander past?”
SAM (who is obviously staring at Frodo):
“Huh? Uh, no…”
JAR JAR BINKS:
“Well, don’t look at mesa!”
TIME PASSES.
GANDALF:
“Well, I need me a good smoke!”
PIPPIN:
“I thought you gave that up, or was that the other Gandalf!”
GANDALF:
“Ah, the heck with it!”
GANDALF breaks out a patch of chewing tobacco.
MERRY:
“I think I liked the real Gandalf better. You know, the one in the books.”
GANDALF:
“I heard that! Just for that, Pippin gets to take the first watch!”
PIPPIN:
“Huh? I didn’t do anything!”
GANDALF:
“Not yet…”
TIME PASSES. Everyone else is asleep. Arwen is snoring loud enough to wake a Balrog and prevent Sauron from sleeping all the way over in Mordor. Oddly, this does not seem to disturb lover-boy Aragorn. Pippin is left all alone.
PIPPIN:
“Hmmm… Is that a strange hole in which to toss things over there?”
PIPPIN walks over the hole. He then grabs a nearby rock and tosses it down the hole. There is a muffled “OUCH!!” from below.
PIPPIN:
“Now why the heck did I do that?”
GANDALF (Who comes out of nowhere from behind):
“A good question. Next time, chuck yourself in the hole, you, ah… um…. Hmmmm…. stupid hobbit…”
There is the sound of hammers tapping and a stereo playing deep within the mountain.
The Fellowship + 1 continues on their path. Soon, they reach the chambers of Balin.
GIMLI:
“Ahhhh… I bet I can find some strong, Dwwwaaaarrrrvvveeennnn Ale in here somewhere.”
LEGOLAS:
“Does the fact that some Dwarven pals of yours were brutally slaughtered in here bother you?”
GIMLI finds a barrel of ale and practically falls into it in his efforts to get drunk.
Meanwhile, GANDALF and ARAGORN have found a journal containing the records from the last days of the Dwarves.
GANDALF:
“Hmmmm… If this is right, we are doomed.”
ARAGORN:
“I thought we weren’t supposed to say that!?”
GANDALF:
“Oh, sorry. Anyway, this has all sorts of nice lines in it, like ‘The Watcher ate Grumpy’ and ‘There is no way out.’ and ‘They are coming’ but I won’t bore you with the details. Anyway, time to be going.”
DRUMS START BEATING.
LEGOLAS:
“There is no way out.”
GIMLI:
“GLUB!”
PIPPIN:
“Oh, heck, it’s not my line, but: They are coming!”
GANDALF:
“Why have I been such a fool! I hung out here too long! That’s what I get for looking through these old chests for loose gold coins and copies of Elf Wench Weekly! Aye, what an old fool I have become!”
ARWEN:
“Ziz is no problem. I vill deztroy the horde myzelf.”
GANDALF:
“That’s very sporting of you, but that makes no sense. Quickly, we have some running to do!”
Suddenly, a TROLL begins to push its way past the door.
MERRY STABS THE TROLLS FOOT:
MERRY:
“For PJ!!!”
The wounded TROLL retreats. The party flees, killing random orcs that pop out of the walls as they go. Eventually, they run out of Orcs and start killing Stormtroopers and Ninjas.
GANDALF:
“I must seal the doors with a spell of Sealing!”
He whips out a handful of dice and says:
“Let’s see the Balrog make a saving throw vs. THIS!!!”
GANDALF goes up the stairs. There is a muttering of words of magic, and then a huge flash. GANDALF comes flying back down the stairs and hits his head on the stone.
GANDALF:
“OUCH!!”
ARAGORN:
“Are you okay, dude?”
GANDALF:
“Yes, but there was something terrible there – something that I have never felt before. It seemed that there was a shadow past the door, and it ate up all light in its black cloud. Even the Orcs feared it, and its counter spell almost broke me. I will need to rest for awhile, and I can give you no more light for now!”
PIPPIN:
“Didn’t you say it was a Balrog before you went running dumbly up the stairs?”
GANDALF:
“Will somebody shut up this annoying Hobbit?! He’s ruining my big moment!”
The party runs on as the drums beat. Finally, they reach the lower levels. A great chasm lies beyond them, while the Bridge of Moria lies between them and their escape.
GANDALF:
“‘Gash’ means fire. Maybe the lower levels are fire…”
ARAGORN:
“Dude, we’re here and they are on fire!”
GANDALF:
“Oh… Well, run for the Bridge everyone! Last one across is Orc meat!”
EVERYONE runs for the Bridge. As they do so, bad guys come up from behind and start bridging the chasm. At their head is a vast flaming shadow. It is man-like, only larger, and seemingly carved of fire and ash. It wields a whip of many thongs in one hand, but it has only one wing.
LEGOLAS:
“Aye! Aye! Boy do I feel dumb saying Aye! A Balrog has come!”
GIMLI:
“Uhh….”
LEGOLAS smacks GIMLI
GIMLI:
“Oh, Burin’s Dane?!”
GANDALF:
“This just plain sucks! Everyone – run bravely while I do my hero thing!”
The Balrog reached the bridge. Gandalf went out to meet it. Both stand at a sword’s distance away from each other while exchanging mean looks.
GANDALF (in a Clint Eastwood voice):
“You ain’t getting past me, Balrog.”
BALROG (in a Cling Eastwood voice):
“I reckon so.”
GANDALF:
“It doesn’t have to be like this, you know. I am a Servant of the Secret Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Arnor.”
BALROG:
“Yeah, and I am the Flame of Udun. But what does it matter? We’re both men, and I reckon that that is our destiny.”
GANDALF:
“I’m the fastest draw in the West.”
BALROG:
“And I am the fastest draw in the East.”
GANDALF:
“I reckon so.”
BALROG:
“I reckon so.”
There is a long pause. Tumbleweeds drift by as the two characters’ hands hover over their swords like a pair of cowboys in a shoot out. The tumbleweeds catch fire as they go past the Balrog and fall into the pit.
GANDALF spits a wad of tobacco. Both draw their swords. There is a flash of light, and the Balrog’s sword is broken.
GANDALF:
“I reckone I’ve won, partner.”
BALROG:
“I reckon not…”
BALROG swings whip at GANDALF just as the wizard breaks the Bridge. Both fall into the pit and go boom.
GANDALF, as he is falling:
“Awwww….. Crap……”
LEGOLAS:
“You heard the man! Let’s fly!”
ARAGORN:
“Strange, that’s not what I heard him say….”
ARWEN:
“I will zhow that ztinking Balrog who iz bozz…”
ARAGORN:
“That’s nice, dear, but Mr. Balrog has already fallen into the big hole, so I think this is our cue to be leaving.”
The Fellowship + 1 departs the Mines, screaming like madmen all the while. As they leave, the Orcs are last scene crying and weeping for the loss of nice Mr. Balrog.
LOTHLORIEN, AN ANDROGYNOUS PLACE!
Cut to the Dimrill dale, We have ARWEN carrying BILL THE PONY, which is carrying FRODO, followed by ARAGORN, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, BOROMIR and the POT ROAST.
ARWEN: (Points ahead)
Der is Dimril Dale!
ARWEN: (Points at the mountains)
Der is da Misty Mountains!
ARWEN: (Points at ARAGORN)
Der is my love!
ARWEN: (Points behind at the POT ROAST)
Der is da Pot Roast!
ARWEN: (Points behind at lots of orcs coming from the gates of Moria)
Der is da Orcs!
ARAGORN:
Quick the orcs are following us with lots of orcs, and there are lots of them too. There is no time to lose.
TOULOUSE-LAUTREC:
Que le diable je fais – ici? (Subtitles appear – “What the devil am I doing here?”)
ARAGORN:
Run away! Run away!
The fellowship runs away. TOULOUSE-LAUTREC is skewered by several orcs.
TOULOUSE-LAUTREC:
Mon Dieu!
ORC CAPTAIN: (To TOULOUSE-LAUTREC)
Consider that revenge for your stupid poster of the Moulin Rouge!
The fellowship run towards Lothlorien. A troop of limp-wristed, androgynous looking Elves stand out from behind various trees. They are dressed in autumnal shades, a variety of fabrics which swish about in a very fetching manner indeed. They are all wearing make up, eye shadow, lipstick, etc, etc. They mince towards the fellowship.
ELF 1:
COOEEE! ARWEN LOVE!
ELF 2: (Examines hands)
Oh look, I’ve cracked a nail.
ELF 3:
Well doesn’t it make you want to stamp! I’ve got a loose thread in my tunic!
The orcs scream in complete horror and run away back to Moria. The fellowship meet up with the elves.
ARWEN:
Hi derr!
ELF 2:
Oh she’s so butch! I love it!
Aragorn steps forward.
ARAGORN:
Leave her alone, she is not for you. She is my love.
ELF 1:
Ooooh! Listen to him. Give a mortal a broken sword and he thinks he’s king.
ELF 2:
Getting very uppity, these mortals.
ELF 3 runs a hand over ARAGORN?S shoulder and holds out his fingers so that the others can see.
ELF 3:
Look at the dust on him.
ELF 1 & ELF 2: (pursing lips in a critical manner)
Hmmmm!
ARWEN clatters the elves to one side.
ARWEN:
Enough of dis! Take us to granny, now!
The elves pout at Arwen, but do as she says, leading them into the depths of the forest!
MEANINGLESS CUT TO THE DARK TOWER:
SAURON is sitting on his usual official Evil Dude throne. The Mouth of Sauron is standing before him. In classical Fantasy villain style, the Mouth is portrayed as a bumbling idiot. His robes are too long, he has a silly sounding voice, his sword is on the wrong way, and he’s as dumb as a post.
MOUTH:
“Uhh…. We still haven’t found that Ring Thing yet…”
SAURON:
“Yes? And your point is?”
MOUTH:
“Um…. I don’t know. You want me to keep looking?”
SAURON leaps down from the throne and smacks the Mouth of Sauron across the room in one motion.
SAURON:
“YES YOU DOLT!!!!”
MOUTH:
“Uh… Okay. No need to get all hissy. Why don’t you just use that Seeing Eyeball thing you have and find it?”
SAURON:
“Because, like all great villain geniuses, I need to have useless flunkies do my work for me. Then, when I lose, I can blame them!”
MOUTH:
“Okay, that’s nice and all, but why don’t you just win in the first place?”
SAURON:
“Because I am not allowed to! DUH!!!”
MOUTH:
“I’ll be leaving now…”
MOUTH leaves. SAURON walks over to the row of pictures of the Kings of Gondor and starts talking to Aragorn’s picture again.
SAURON:
“Soon it will all be over, my young apprentice. You have fought well, but not well enough. I have much revenge to get, yes I do. It all started in the Second Age, when the Elves and Men made their last stand against me…”
SCENE FADES TO SECOND AGE BATTLE. Sounds of sobbing in the background.
SCENE FADES IN but everything is told from a twisted SAURON viewpoint.
BARA-DUR is a happy and cheerful place with a forest and garden around it. All the Orcs are buys playing games, talking, and sleeping in the sun. SAURON is shown as a nice old man, clad in overalls, working in his garden.
SUDDENLY, CLOUDS loom overhead. There is the sound of marching. An ARMY appears out of nowhere.
ISILDUR:
“It is time for you to be smited, Sauron.”
SAURON (innocently):
“Me? What did I do? I was just planting flowers in my garden!”
GIL-GALAD:
“No more gardens for you – or your Orcs!”
The Elven army kills all the Orcs cruelly without warning.
SAURON:
“But… But, surely we can work something out?”
ISILDUR:
“No deals, dirtbag. You die, scum!”
SAURON is killed, the Ring is taken, and all fades back to the Dark Tower throne room.
SAURON (to Aragorn’s picture):
“And if wasn’t for that day, I wouldn’t be such the mean monster that I am now! So there! And you’ll pay for this, Aragorn – you’ll pay!”
SAURON begins laughing insanely while wielding a huge sword.
SCENE fades out.
Lothlorien. ARWEN is here, with BILL THE PONY on her back and FRODO on the back of BILL THE PONY. ARAGORN, BOROMIR, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM, LEGOLAS, GIMLI and the POT ROAST are here, as are ELF 1, ELF 2 and ELF 3.
ELF 1: (very camp) All right luvvies, as we agreed, it’s time to play ‘Blind Man’s Buff’ with the cute little dwarf!
GIMLI: (outraged) This was NOT with my agreement.
ELF 2: (even camper than ELF 1) Oh, don’t be such a spoil sport! (Turns to the others) I hope the emphasis will be on the ‘Buff’ part.
The other elves nod. Gimli gets out his chopper, I mean axe. Arwen gestures ahead.
ARWEN: (angry) Ve hav no time for dis! Lead on!
ELF 3: (really, really camp) Well, I must say that it is customary to have at least one game of ‘BMB’ before we go on. It won’t take very? (He/She/It is interrupted by a large throaty cry, HALDIR in full samurai gear leaps through the trees yelling his head off. He is followed by RUMIL waving a very long flag on a very long lance. On the flag is a picture of the rising sun of the elves).
HALDIR: HAAAAAIIIIIIII!
Haldir runs at the fellowship, waving his sword about in all directions. In the space of three seconds he has (A) removed all the buttons from SAM’S ‘weskit’, (B) Trimmed all the fur from BOROMIR’S cloak, (C) Cut all the braces currently holding up MERRY’S trousers and (D) cut all the string currently holding the POT ROAST together.
HALDIR: (bowing) Honoulable guests! Welcome to Lolien!
Everybody bows in return. Sam retrieves his buttons, BOROMIR scowls at his cloak, MERRY holds his trousers up and looks extremely embarrassed and BILL THE PONY puts the string back around the POT ROAST.
HALDIR: (bowing again) You must all come with me! We go to see great geisha, Galadriel-san! You come with me, yes?
Everybody bows back.
GIMLI: (eyeing the other elves with disfavour) Just so long as I do not have to play ‘Blind Man’s Buff’.
HALDIR: Excuse me? We no play games here!
HALDIR turns to the other Elves.
HALDIR: You stay here now, or you go to plison camp. You keep orcs from Lolien, that your job! I take Honoulable guests to Galadriel-san!
The three elves shrug and skip back to the borders of Lothlorien. HALDIR beckons the fellowship on. They come to a circle of trees from which are hanging several paper lanterns. The trees are cherries, laden with blossom. Aragorn clutches at his breast and falls to his knees.
ARAGORN: Oh, Cerin Amroth. Here ever was the heart of elvendom on middle earth. Here my heart is too.
Aragorn seems to speak to someone not present, gazing into the distance with a look of fond memory in his eyes. He calls out Arwen’s name.
ARWEN: Vat is dis? I am already here, my luv.
ARAGORN: (startled) What, oh yes, so you are! (too himself) Damn, another quality moment lost!
HALDIR: (pointing) Honoulable Guests. Behold the castle of Lord Celeborn-san and Geisha Galadriel-san
They behold several large trees, between which rises a large Japanese looking castle. Before it are several groups of black figures all shouting at each other and engaged in mock battles. There are several targets strung from the trees, and some of the figures are throwing small black star shaped things at them.
FRODO: (amazed) What is all that?
HALDIR: You behold tlaining camp of elite ninja elves. There you see sword fight. (points to a lone figure being attacked by several others. He decks them all.) There you see test of stlength. (points to several Elves breaking unfeasibly large blocks of wood by kicking, punching or by head butting them). There you see test of acculacy with ninja throwing death lembas. (he points to the ninja elves throwing death stars).
HALDIR: (to everyone) Come, you all in time for famous elvish tea celemony.
They all walk to the castle.
Hama-san
(The Fellowship approaches the CASTLE. All trees are in Autumnal Colors. Eagles circle overhead.
Arwen drops Bill the Pony and Frodo, and begins rooting thru her pack. Finding a gown made entirely of FALLEN LEAVES, she sheds her armor and puts it on.
Aragorn covers his eyes with his hands. )
ARAGORN: Like, why do you always do this when we come to see your grandma?
ARWEN: Aragorn, my love, Thou knowest grandma doesn’t like me wearing armor and stealing her thunder. She is the warrior here. In Lorien, I clothe myself in these garments she sent me for Christmas.
MERRY (to Pippin): She sounds different…
ARWEN: (cocking large pointed ear towards Frodo): Ah… but this is the scene where you see I’m not just a warrior, but an anciently ancient lady! A stunning anciently ancient lady whom the LotR fans will FLOCK TO THE THEATRES TO SEE!
(Spotlight shines on Arwen, dressed in crunchy autumn leaf outfit, armor cast on the ground. Choir sings in the background. All the FELLOWSHIP look on her in AWE, except Aragorn, who still has his eyes covered.)
ARWEN: Now comest and seest thou Grandma.
(CUT TO: inside of Castle. CELEBORN and GALADRIEL are on thrones, looking just like BARBIE And KEN)
GALADRIEL-BARBIE: Welcome to Lothlorien! (sound of children’s voices singing)
PJ: CUT! Wrong movie! Where’s my Galadriel?
(Scene changes. Samurai Celeborn and Ninja Galadriel stand before their thrones. Galadriel is dressed in black, with binoculars around her neck. She squints, as though she has trouble seeing)
GALADRIEL: Come here, my dearies. Let me peer into your souls. (She peers at each member in turn)
GALADRIEL: Aragorn… check.
BOROMIR: I’m Boromir, not Aragorn.
GALADRIEL (squints harder) Oh… so you are. Boromir… check (she pauses, and scribbles something on a pad). Little Hobbit folks… check.
FRODO: That’s a pony and a pot roast.
(Galadriel squints again, and makes more notes.
She peers at the rest of the fellowship, each in turn. She winks at Sam, who
blushes furiously as she looks at him, and casts a nervous glance at Frodo)
GALADRIEL: Now folks, we must be quick. You have boats waiting right outside the forest. But first… I want to speak with the Thingbearer.
SAM: But weren’t we supposed to stay here for a month?
GALADRIEL: You’re lucky you’re here at all! In the two-script version this was a clean lift!
MERRY: Well, if we’re not going to do the scene right, it’s better not to do it at all. Ask Bombadil.
PIPPIN: Who?
GALADRIEL: Oh yeah? You wanna go HEW some CANOES out of TREES? Go ahead.
Come on, Frodo.
(CUT TO: FRODO, GALADRIEL, ARWEN, the POTROAST, and SAM stand before a large BIRDBATH).
GALADRIEL: This is the mirror of Galadriel. Take a look.
(they all near the birdbath)
GALADRIEL: WAIT! DO NOT TOUCH THE WATER! (she stoops, scoops out some stockings, wrings them out and hangs them on a tree). Okay. Now you can touch the water.
(Ominous music plays. Mist rises from the mirror. The POTROAST peers into the Birdbath, shrieks, and falls to the ground. An image of an empty, used plate and dirty flatware shimmer in the mirror and vanish. )
Sam creeps forward, and peers in. Suddenly there is a SPLOOPing sound.
SAM: What’s that?
GALADRIEL: That was a clean lift. Frodo?
(Frodo cautiously approaches the birdbath.)
FRODO: I see… I see…
GANDALF: (V.O.) It all happened a long time ago….
(Galadriel smacks the water)
GANDALF (V.O.) Ouch!
(Frodo looks again)
FRODO: I see a? a dark presence in a dark tower!
(We see an image of a dark tower, marching orcs, and a large, floating REDEYE circling the tower)
GALADRIEL: No, that’s obviously a kitchen! Anyone can see that’s a blender! (she makes more notes)
FRODO: This is all too great a matter for me. (He holds out the THING) Will you take the–
(Another SPLOOPING sound, and …)
CUT TO Fellowship boating down the river.
SAM: What happened?
FRODO: I think it was another clean lift. Still… I feel like something is missing….
ARAGORN: Oh, wait guys… Like, I forgot to give you these. (He opens up a footlocker in the canoe, and pulls out a light stick and a little box of Miracle Gro, and hands them to Frodo and Sam, respectively.)
ARWEN: (again in Armor) How zweet, my luv. You alwayz zink of ze nizest gifts… I’m zure dese vill come in handy
THE PARTING OF THE FELLOWSHIP (THANK HEAVENS!!!):
GIMLI:
“Hey, didn’t I get a bit of her hair or something?”
ARAGORN:
“No, not in this version. You can go back later. Oh, Galadriel wanted me to give you her number…”
ARAGORN gives GIMLI the Ninja-Elf-Queen’s number, which GIMLI writes down in his little black book.
GIMLI (muttering to himself):
“Finally, a lady with some class and who doesn’t have a beard!”
BOROMIR:
“Um… wasn’t I supposed to get something from her as well?”
ARAGORN:
“Nay, you’ll be dead in a scene or two, so it really doesn’t – oops… I didn’t say that…”
The FELLOWSHIP continues to float merrily down the stream. The days go by, and they just sit around, casting fishing lines off the boat and lounging in the sun. Everyone seems to have forgotten that they are on an important mission. Finally, dusk falls and the whole group starts singing Disney-like songs about the beauty of the River. A small, slimy figure swims up behind them and can’t bear the music any longer.
GOLLUM:
“SSS!!! Quiet, you’ssss!”
SAM:
“Hey! What are you doing here!”
GOLLUM:
“Nothing! And you didn’t see me – got that, little hobbit-meal?”
SAM:
“Uh, okay… You’ll get yours in the end anyway.”
OMINIOUS MUSIC PLAYS.
The FELLOWSHIP continues onwards. Suddenly, there is a sound from above! Everyone looks up!
MERRY:
“Is it a bird?”
PIPPIN:
“Oh, knock it off already! AARGGHHH!!!! It must be a Nazgul!”
Then, a low-flying HELICOPTOR flies over the River. Everyone seems confused.
SAM:
“That was queer…”
Suddenly, a Nazgul cry comes from above, and dark shape zooms overhead. There is a twang of a bow, a scream, and the beast falls from the sky. A muffled “OUCH!” floats up from somewhere…
LEGOLAS:
“That’ll teach him to mess with me!”
He blows smoke off the end of his bow, and puts it away. The FELLOWSHIP drifts onwards down the River. Eventually, the day of the Parting is at hand.
They beach their boats along a shore and start wandering around.
ARAGORN:
“Behold! There must be Orcs nearby!”
ARWEN:
“And vhy do you zay that, darling?”
ARAGORN points to a sign that says: “Watch for Orcs Nearby.”
ARWEN:
“I will show them who iz bozz…”
Meanwhile, FRODO has wandered off and is now approached by BOROMIR.
BOROMIR:
“My time has come – no more games, little hobbit. Give me the RING!!!”
FRODO:
“Okay.”
GANDALF (From far away)
“D’oh!”
BOROMIR is holding the Ring from its chain, just as seen in the preview shots…
BOROMIR:
“At last… I have it… Gondor will kick Sauron’s arse with this! And then I can become King! I will be the Lord of All Evil and eat everyone’s souls! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!’
FRODO:
“Well, that sure is nice, Boromir, but can I have my Ring back?”
BOROMIR:
“Oh, sure.”
He hands the Ring back to Frodo and the hobbit puts it back around his neck.
BOROMIR:
“Now that was a dumb thing for me to do. Give me the Ring again Frodo!”
FRODO:
“You will never touch this Ring, you evil person, you!”
BOROMIR:
“Uh, but I just did touch it…”
FRODO:
“Yes, but never again!”
FRODO runs away and BOROMIR runs after him. FRODO puts on the Ring and disappears. BOROMIR runs into a tree and says “D’oh!”
FRODO wanders around for a while until he comes to the Hill of Seeing, which basically consists of a hill with one of those tourist pay-for-view binoculars on top. He puts in some cash and starts to look around.
FRODO sees to the South the might of GONDOR, but the set for the city is not yet finished. Half the City is missing and none of it is painted yet. He continues to look around until he sees Rohan where Wormtongue starts making faces at him. He looks around some more and notices that all the lands are full of evil things and that war is beginning everywhere.
Then, against his will, his eye is drawn East, towards the Dark Lands. All too soon, he sees the Dark Tower, and it is vast and terrible and quite Dark, as it should be. A glowing eye glares out of the top window, but it does not blink, for it is the Lidless Eye, and thus must use eye drops to keep moist.
And the Eye was aware of him, and there was evil laughing as the Lord of All Evil Who Will Eat Everyone’s Souls began to search for Frodo.
A huge, phantasmal black hand appeared in the clouds and started grouping around on nearby hills, searching for the Ringbearer. Frodo was terrified. Voices contested in his head, and wished to call out…
FRODO:
“Never! Never will I serve you!”
Or was it, “Verily, I come to thee?”
He could not be sure, and the big, spooky hand was getting closer. Frodo’s mind was in torment, but then another voice called out:
OTHER VOICE (that sounds a lot like Gandalf):
“Take off the Ring! Take it off, you fool! Take off the Ring!”
FRODO:
“Uh, okay.”
FRODO removes the Ring and the big, spooky hand misses him. Instead, it flattens a nearby Burger King and starts rooting around in the remains for a hamburger.
FRODO leaves the Hill of Seeing and runs back, only to come under attack by ORCS. Note that the ORCS are big, green, and tusked. They look exactly like the Orcs in Warcraft II.
ORC 1:
“Gloosh!”
ORC 2:
“Zug-zug!”
FRODO:
“Oh, for heaven’s sakes! This is getting so lame! Are you goons going to take me or what?!”
The ORCS shrug and FRODO points the Ring at them. The first Orc explodes in a cloud of chucky salsa.
PJ:
“CUT!!!! Frodo, what the heck are you doing by using the Ring this early! We want to show the cool explosions and things LATER!”
FRODO:
“Oops. Sorry.”
The ORCS begin advancing on FRODO again, and he cowers helplessly. Suddenly, BOROMIR leaps onto the scene.
BOROMIR:
“HA! Foresouth, you are all doomed!”
Insane combat begins, but BOROMIR is getting the worst of it.
BOROMIR:
“Where is Arwen when you need her?”
SCENE cuts to needless love scene between Aragorn and Arwen.
SCENE cuts back to battle. BOROMIR is riddled with arrows and FRODO is running. He reaches the River, hops in a boat, and starts muttering to himself.
FRODO:
“Aw, crap! This is not going according to plan! I’ll just have to leave the others behind and do it myself! That’ll teach them! Then, I’ll be the only hero!”
SAM sneaks up behind and says:
“And I am going, too!”
FRODO:
“No, it’s too dangerous! You’ll get killed! I can’t allow it!”
SAM:
“Then we’ll die together – ain’t that roman, uh, heroic! Let’s go!”
They depart from the River, but a slimy creature follows them as they go, and JAWS music plays the scene fades.
BOROMIR:
“ARRGGHHH!!! I’ll blow my horn, I will!”
BOROMIR blows Horn. Orcs cover their ears for a moment and then get back to slaying him. Suddenly, Arwen shows up and kills all the Orcs with one hand. ARAGORN follows her and notices that BOROMIR is slightly slain.
ARAGORN:
“Oh, Boromir – what have those monsters done to you?!”
BOROMIR:
“They killed me, you idiot! Man, and I almost got to take the Ring and be the big hero. I guess I am sorry and I must die now.”
BOROMIR is still.
ARWEN:
“Vell, he died good, I guezz.”
ARAGORN:
“Yeah, I guess…”
BOROMIR:
“And I got paid well for it, too!”
ARAGORN:
“Well, lets do that whole burial thing…”
They toss BOROMIR on a boat, give him his sword and shattered horn, pile Orc bodies around, and float them down the river.
ARWEN:
“Tell me again, luv – why did we do that?”
ARAGORN:
“Because it’s heroic! Yeesh! Now, where did those other Hobbits go?”
They wander back to camp only to discover that all the hobbits are gone. Legolas is standing in the middle of 30+ slain orcs, without a splotch of blood on him, while Gimli appears quite drunk, yet has killed at least as many Orcs.
ARAGORN:
“Arrgghh!!! This is turning to crap! I wish Gandalf was here!”
GIMLI:
“Why? That big flub just musses everything up anyway. I wish I had a swig of some strong, Dwarrrvvveennnn Ale.”
ARAGORN looks around and notes that a boat is missing.
ARAGORN:
“I guess they went to Mordor without us. Better them than me. I think we’ll take the easier route and hunt for the hobbits that were taken by the Orcs. Sound good?”
GIMLI belched in reply and the FELLOWSHIP went to sleep for the night…
THE GREAT RIVER AND SOME OTHER STUFF IF THERE’S TIME
Schloop, schloop … the gentle sounds of the Anduin lapping against the canoes (as opposed to Sploop, Sploop, the Sound of a Clean Lift). The Fellowship travel down the Anduin in their canoes – ARAGORN in one with FRODO and SAM, BOROMIR with MERRY and PIPPIN, LEGOLAS with GIMLI, just Like In The Book, except that ARWEN’S head is bobbing in the Anduin as she swims alongside ARAGORN’s boat with powerful strokes.
GIMLI (snuffling and wiping his eyes)
Gawd, that Gladys … I didn’t ‘alf fancy that Noldorin bird … (suddenly belligerent) … where did you stow my ale, you Silvan ponce?
LEGOLAS
I count you blessed Gimli Son of Gloin, for few of your race have looked upon fair Lothlorien … hey, who are you calling a ponce, shortarse?
(Meanwhile … in the other boats …)
PIPPIN (singing)
Bill the Pony’s run off, Bill the Pony’s run off …
SAM
What??!!
MERRY
He’s gone off, Sam. With the Pot Roast.
SAM looks blank and bursts into tears.
FRODO
It was a clean lift, Sam. It happened at Moria except, er, nobody noticed.
PIPPIN (sniggering)
I’m sure Bill and the Pot Roast will be happy together.
SAM cries on FRODO’s shoulder. SAM then cries with head on FRODO’s lap. Quickly cut to The Argonath, the audience are becoming restive.
ARAGORN
Behold the Argonath! Beneath the gaze of Elendil and my forebears we have nothing to – whoops!
ARAGORN keels over and falls into the River.
Sploop. Cut to The Beach.
ARAGORN
What the hell was that?
ARWEN
Another clean lift, dahlink. The shock of it tipped you into ze River. Let me carry you to zer shores.
(Cut to night on the beach).
FRODO
Get off me!
EVERYBODY
We’re not on you!
SAM (sulkily)
Not even me.
FRODO
OW! Somebody just violently snatched the Ring from me!
JAR JAR BINKS
Mesa want precious!
FRODO (frantically)
That’s the wrong CGI!
GOLLUM (offended)
You nassty little creature, we don’t wants you here, no we don’t, do we precious. I wanted to snatch the Ring off the Baggins, so pisss off, yess you musst …
ARAGORN (in manly fashion)
Now see here, Gollum. Buzz off. Just hand over the Ring like a good chap. Thank you.
GOLLUM
We left Ring on beach. We now departs in dignity. The Lucas … we hates it … we hates it … we hates it forever …
(Gollum wanders sadly off, muttering, his precious screen time ruined forever.)
(ARWEN is snoring through all of this)
BOROMIR (suddenly snapping to attention)
The Ring? The Ring? The Ring! (his eyes narrow in evil fashion, his fair and pleasant face suddenly transforms into a snarl). The Ring … why does that Halfling have the Ring …
PIPPIN (rolling his eyes)
God, is THAT ever subtle.
MERRY (warningly)
Be careful, Frodo, he keeps looking at you in a funny way!
FRODO
Oh, great. First Sam, then Gollum, now Boromir.
LEGOLAS
Well, lovey, you’re just totally adorable.
SAM
And Boromir IS awfully handsome, sir.
FRODO (moaning)
I can’t take much more of this screenplay …
The VOICE of ELROND suddenly booms in Frodo’s head. This is a Dream Sequence.
ELROND
That, Mr Baggins, is the sound of Inevitability.
Sorry, couldn’t resist the last joke. I know it’s old hat. Well, my effort didn’t make me laugh as much as I laughed at Elmtree’s Lothlorien, but it’s brought us to …
THE BREAKING OF THE FELLOWSHIP.
Take it away somebody. Lots of subversive subtexts for you to play with.
MEANINGLESS CUT TO THE DARK TOWER:
SAURON:
“Where is that stupid Mouth?”
MOUTH stumbles into room, trips over his own robe and falls over. He gets to his feet and speaks.
MOUTH:
“Uh, here I am boss!”
SAURON:
“Any news on the Ring?”
MOUTH:
“Hey, that’s funny that you asked that! See, my buddies and me were going down to the River to get some beers, but then Khamul said – and you know what a kidder he is – that we should re-”
SAURON leaps off his throne and smacks MOUTH across the room again.
MOUTH:
“OUCH!”
SAURON:
“Oh, stop that! You’re sounding like Gandalf! Now find me that RING!!!”
MOUTH scurries out. SAURON walks over to the picture of ARAGORN and starts talking to it again.
SAURON:
“Soon, your time will be up, my little King!”
SAURON draws a funny moustache on Aragorn’s picture and then begins laughing insanely while waving a huge sword around.
You know what you forgot? Boromir’s song! We have to get some tacky rock music in there somehow!
ARAGORN, ARWEN, GIMLI and LEGOLAS stand over the departing boat. There is a golden light about the boat as it gently floats down the river. (Or is it the reflection from the spotlights that have just illuminated the rock band that now stand behind the foursome?)
ALL: Farewell Boromir!
They now sing Boromir’s Rhapsody (to the tune of Queen?s Bohemian Rhapsody)
Boromir’s Rhapsody
(To be sung to the tune of Queen?s Bohemian Rhapsody)
Is this the one ring?
Or is this just fakery?
Those rings of power,
They all look the same to me.
Put on the ring,
And watch as I fade away.
I’m just from Gondor,
I?m just a normal bloke.
And now I need that ring,
Need it now,
Fight the orcs,
Kill them all.
Ringwraith, Troll or Balrog,
Doesn’t really matter to me,
To me…
Father, I?ve got a plan
Get that hobbit by his head
Get my sword out, then he’s dead.
Father, take him from behind,
And then I’ll have that ring to take away.
Father, ooh-ooh
Gotta give my plan a try,
I have to take that ring and rule the world,
Rule them all, rule them all,
’cause that is what?ll happen.
Too late, that hobbit?s gone.
Whipped that ring out very fast,
Put it on and kicked my arse.
Too late everybody, my plan has failed
And now I?ve gone and thrown it all away.
Father, ooh ooh,
This fate is very cruel,
I sometimes wish I’d never done this at all.
–
I see a little goblin running up the hill,
Uruk-hai, Uruk-Hai,
There are far too many of them.
Arrows coming for me
Very very nasty
Indeed!
Blow the horn (Blow the horn)
Blow the horn (Blow the horn)
Blow the horn and swing your sword
O Aragooorn!
(No no no no no no no no no No)
One of them has stabbed me, somebody help me
One of them has stabbed him, get him to a hospital
Stand well back
You?ve got to give him air.
I’m just a steward?s son, of the steward?s family
He’s just the steward?s son, of the steward?s family
Spare him his life from his Pork Sausages!
(I have no idea how this lyric got in here! But if you listen to the original, it’s what they say!)
Breathe deeply, Ouch!
I?ll get that arrow out, There it goes!
Breathe deeply, Ouch!
I?ll get that arrow out, There it goes!
Breathe deeply, Ouch!
I?ll get that arrow out, There it goes!
I?ll get that arrow out, There it goes!
I?ll get that arrow out, There it goes!
There it go-oo-oo-oo-ooes!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, goodness gracious,
goodness gracious,
goodness gracious, what a mess!
Lord Mandos has set another place aside
for me… for me… for me!
So you think you can steal things and think it’s all right?
So you think that the one ring will give you the right?
Ohh sailor, now you see you?re a failure,
You just had to try,
You just had to try out your plan here….
The one ring really matters,
it matters just to me.
The one ring really matters,
the one ring really matters,
To me
Listen as my horn blows.
(The boat vanishes over the falls of Rauros as the last echoes of the piano fade away.)
END CREDITS for FOTR!
Hama. (With apologies to Queen!)
“The Uruk-Hai (or, an adventure in product placement)”
Close up on PIPPIN, lying tied up on the ground. He is coming to, and groaning.
VOICE 1: Luvvy, do you believe what these little *&^% are wearing!
VOICE 2: I know, honey. That ugly grey! You’d think a bit of &^%$ color would kill them.
PIPPIN: (murmuring) that sounds like one of the elves that met us in Lorien….except.. something’s different…
VOICE 2: (giggling) Let’s make the little *&^% squeak! We can *&^% tickle him with this!
PIPPIN opens his eyes, and sees, through blurry haze, what looks like an elf with a very bad skin disease and EVIL EYES.
PIPPIN: Oh… I remember… the orcs….
ORC 3: Oh *?@. I broke a nail! (he reaches into a can of nails, and hammers one back onto the end of his ARMOUR PLATED finger, and begins to coat it with L’OREAL sunshine pink NAIL POLISH– the label is plain to see.)
PIPPIN: Of course! Corrupted Elves!
ANOTHER VOICE, HARSHER: Stop playing vith the prizoneers! You know ze orderz! Prizoners must be alive and captured, no zpoiling!
PIPPIN looks round, and to his horror he sees
Another Orc like creature, but HUGE, with shiny ARMOUR PLATES grafted over his body. He looks like a cross between a LEPROUS ELF and an ARMADILLO.
ARMADILLO ORC: I am UGLUK! I have Zpoken!
Pippin: (to self) Another corrupted elf!
ORC ONE: (leans towards Orc two) These Isengarders are just no (**&&^ fun!
MERRY, next to PIPPIN, wakes up. He has a bandage around his head.
MERRY: Hullo, Pippin? So you’ve come on this little expedition too? When do we get bed and breakfast?
UGLUK: Ze vill get Breakfast, alright! At Izengard! Get zeez creatures ready to RUN!
ORC 3 pull out a THERMOS full of STARBUCKS COFFEE.
MERRY: Well, at least we get a decent–
He is cut off as the Orc forces the brown fluid down his throat.
MERRY: (choking) Ugh! That’s been left on the burner for HOURS! But it does wake one up…
Two Orcs cut the bonds on the hobbits while the mountain orcs begin lacing up their NIKE SNEAKERS. The Uruk Hai have on TIMBERLAND HIKING BOOTS. The Mordor orcs have REEBOKS.
We see Orcs running in slow motion. Cut to their sneakers. Cut to Close up or ORC EYE. Cut to close up of Pippin, whimpering. More slow motion shots of orc sneakers… Cut to sweat dripping off Orc in tank top. Cut to Timberland boot stomping on Nike sneaker. Cut to overhead shot of entire army of orcs running.
Cut To:
ORC CAMP. Various Orcs are arguing. Several have begun slapping each other. One is sitting on a large NEST of eggs.
We hear a new voice, soft and delicate:
GRISHNAKH: But Ugluk, dearie, Is that little wizard in the tacky colors the master, or the GREAT EYE?
UGLUK: Ze haz no guts! Ve go to Isengard! (Ugluk lights a MARLBORO)
GRISHNAKH: Hmmm…. the winged Nazgul on the opposite bank might feel differently.
UGLUK: HA! (Ugluk blows smoke at Grishnakh) Ve are de Uruk Hai! Ve fear no ztinkink Nazgul–
Just then a winged Nazgul swoops down, it’s mount picks up Ugluk in it’s talons, and flies away. The other Orcs continue to fight, slapping each other silly and squealing. GRISHNAKH smiles slyly and grabs Merry and Pippin, taking them off in another direction…
PIPPIN: For some reason I thought the orcs would be attacked by these blonde guys on horses–
SPLOOP.
PIPPIN: Never mind
ESCAPE FROM THE URUK-HAI
Merry and Pippin have just escaped from their captors and have run to Fangorn Forest, where they take refuge on the borders. Panting for breath, the hobbits look backwards to where the Rohirrim are putting the armies of Sauron and Saruman to flight ?
MERRY
Well. That was a bundle of laughs wasn?t it.
PIPPIN
Oh, to think those horrible unhygienic Orcs wanted to torture us! Look what they did to my elven cloak! I?ll never get those stains out!
GRISHNAKH suddenly pops out from behind a tree and grabs both hobbits.
GRISHNAKH
Not so fast, little ones!
MERRY
Here we go again.
PIPPIN (squealing with dismay)
Oh no! It?s so beastly being man-handled by a beastly orc!
GRISHNAKH
Fancy being tied up again, do we? There?s a chamber in Barad-dur with particular specialities ?
MERRY
Yeah yeah, we get the picture. I don?t which bores me more, Grishnakh, your lack of intellect, your appalling level of conversation or your extremely predictable erotic tastes.
PIPPIN
Ewww! Merry!
MERRY
Pip, try not to react. If you wriggle like that, you?ll only make it worse!
GRISHNAKH (leering)
You can wriggle as much as you like, cupcake!
MERRY
It?s no wonder orcs get called things like SHAG-rat!
PIPPIN
Ewwww! Merry!
MERRY (whispering)
Stop panicking. We?ll cut him a deal. (Out loud) Grish! We know that you know we?ve got something you want really badly!
GRISHNAKH
Now you?re talking!
MERRY
Fancy some Tea Tree oil?
GRISHNAKH (in a whisper)
Tea ? Tree ? oil?
MERRY
Plenty left in Pip?s pack. For some reason your boys missed it. Probably because they?re as thick as two short planks.
PIPPIN (at last thinking clearly)
You could really use it on your boils!
GRISHNAKH drops the hobbits and begs them both to give him some of the precious oil (more rare than mithril). Pippin throws all his Tea Tree lotions in Grishnakh?s direction and the two hobbits run away again, leaving Grishnakh rummaging through the treasure.
MERRY
That is one easily satisfied orc.
PIPPIN
Ewwwww! Merry!
MERRY (grinning)
Sorry.
PIPPIN (sadly)
But we don?t have any Tea Tree left for Treebeard. And he so wanted some ? for his roots ?
WORST POSSIBLE TEASER FOR THE TWO TOWERS
(Shown at the end of The Fellowship of the Rings)
SCREEN STARTS BLACK
OMINOUS VOICE:
“The Evil that lies within Middle Earth is still at large…”
SCENE CUTS to DARK TOWER. Sauron has completely painted over Aragorn’s face and is laughing insanely while waving a huge sword.”
OMINOUS VOICE:
“The Fellowship lies in ruins…”
SCENE CUTS to Sam and Frodo walking through the wastes.
SAM:
“Well, I dare say that the Fellowship lies in ruins.”
OMINOUS VOICE:
“And the Darkness has just begun…”
SCENE CUTS to Mordor. Huge number of Blender Orcs are marching across the plains while their insane master Sauron leads them.
OMINOUS VOICE:
“From the treason of a friend…”
SCENE CUTS to the stairs of ORTHANC. SARUMAN is there, laughing while slashing at GANDALF in a light-staff duel.
OMINIOUS VOICE:
“To the rise of a mighty King”
SCENE CUTS to the Golden Hall with GANDALF, THEODEN, and WORMTONQUE. Gandalf kills Wormtonque, and then turns to the King and speaks.
GANDALF:
“Get off your arse – we’ve got a war to win.”
And the King stands.
OMINIOUS VOICE:
“All shall fight for the Ring!”
SCENE CUTS to Second Age Battle scene again…
OMINIOUS VOICE:
“Mystery!”
SCENE cuts to Sam and Frodo wandering through the dark.
SAM:
“Does anyone have any clue why were are doing this again?”
OMINIOUS VOICE:
“Terror!”
SCENE CUTS to FRODO staring at MINAS MORGUL.
FRODO:
“That’s terror for yah!”
OMINIOUS VOICE:
“Needless love scenes!”
SCENE CUTS to ARAGORN and ARWEN, needless love scene 4 of 14.
SCREEN FADES to BLACK with a Lidless Eye faintly showing in the background.
OMINIOUS VOICE:
“All this, and more await you in… The Two Towers…”
CREDITS FOR ‘TWO TOWERS’ run for 15 minutes, crediting every last person who was ever involved in writing, casting, editing, shooting, building, painting, SPLOOP…directing the film, their families, their friends, certain of their most memorable enemies (notably a few odd names, especially in the list of ‘People We Thank God Don’t Live Anywhere Near New Zealand’: Beleg, Hama, Radagast, Kelannar, Nienna, Diamond of Long Cleeve, plunge, and the ever mysterious Master Samwise {shuddery music, big switch ’cause it was all Carpenters stuff up to that point}….anyway…
EXTREME LONG SHOT across rolling grasslands. DAY EXTERIOR, few clouds in sky, no moving animals or birds. After 10 minutes ( a suitably Swedish touch), three tiny figures can be just barely made out. They might be running. Faint, mixed well back, we hear…
DEEP MALE VOICE (patient)
…And so when I get the least bit peaked, I just take these simple little pills. Angudream. Dad in law just swears by them and you know how he never gets any sleep anymore.
EVEN DEEPER MALE VOICE (irritated)
Just like him to take the easy way out. You know, we offered to let them have the crafts concession back in the Troll Wars, but nooo. Wouldn’t touch it. ‘We have purity of purpose. We will fade and go into the West. It is Fate. Pah!’
HIGH MALE VOICE (sarcastic)
You wouldn’t talk that way if you weren’t going to just topple over one of these days. Short-termer!
DEEPER VOICE
Yeah, right. Like I’d really want to live forever. You should see the neighbourhood we have to deal with as it is. Place is simply crawling with those little rugrats.. Speaking of which, where the Mordor are we anyway?
THREE RUNNERS are now middle distance. Camera has not moved one inch, nor focused in. They are simply three vaguely humanoid figures, possibly still a mile or more away. They stop and the tallest one, garbed in dark browns and greens, looks about.
DEEP VOICE
Calenardhon. I think.
LIGHT VOICE (figure points left of camera)
Hey, look there!
OTHER VOICES (they squint)
Where?
LIGHT VOICE
There. Silly mortals. It’s only ten leagues away, why didn’t you go to Doctor Glorfindel like I told you to? Sheesh. There’s very nice kiosk. Be right back.
LIGHT VOICE races toward camera and past. Others stand where they are, watching.
DEEPER VOICE
Okay, so he’s gone and left us. Can’t trust their type, haven’t I been telling you?
DEEP VOICE
Yeah, yeah, you told me.
{silence for a few moments}
So, how did that dinner with Grandmama-in-law go?
DEEPER VOICE
Oh, pretty well. I did go for the Dwarveeeeeen Ale, and you know how squeamish they all are, so after we roasted that orc, it was..
{Voice fades as camera rotates left, revealing several crew members SPLOOP! a distant view of forest marching onto the plains. Yes, marching. The trees are marching. Don’t ask. You should have been there. The storyboards were wild, but WETA just couldn’t make ’em look any better than MGM could, so well, anyway, the lead one has two little things in its hands. Camera zooms in, wobblingly. Sick bag is under your seat. Yes, yes, it’s there. Blair Witch Project III was the last film here so we come prepared. Just keep looking. Camera reaches moving forest}
TREEBEARD
So, if you water them, they grow. How remarkable.
MERRY
Yes, and then we harvest them and smoke them.
PIPPIN
Dreamy stuff, too…
TREEBEARD
And you don’t have any side effects? Perhaps that is where the entwives have gone. They would like such harvests.
MERRY (reddens)
Well, we just kind of grow them ourselves. But we’ll keep an eye out, won’t we Pip?
(elbows him)
PIPPIN
Ughrl? Oh, of course, of course!
MERRY
Besides, the climate’s so much better here. Tell you what, you let us pop off to the Southfarthing and we’ll fetch some back, quick as boiled asparagus.
CAESAR AUGUSTUS (played, of course, by Brian Blessed) looks up.
Hey, no fair. That’s MY line!
(They ignore the Imperator)
TREEBEARD
Hoom, HROOMMM! That is hasty talk even for such lightweights as yourselves. We will have to moot this.
(He puts the hobbits down, Quickbeam quickly, speedily, masterfully, and wearing a very tasteful kilt, gently pinions them to the ground)
MERRY (quite muffled)
Gplurflmgptarrgamemtagreh?
TREEBEARD (pauses)
No. I think that there is plenty of time for that. (subtly slips his script from the fork in his branches, reads it while continuing) The evil burarrrum will not be leaving the Iron Tower for…(ruffle, ruffle)…a few days yet at least.
PIPPIN
Agpagramurmtra-ebkalorum..
QUICKBEAM
Now, now, little one, no need for profanities..tsk, tsk. (he playfully whips them about with the bare ends of his twigs. Smiles paternally.)
QUICK CUT to Dead Marshes (you just knew, didn’t you? tee hee)
FRODO (slogging hobbitfully)
This crap is going up my breeches!!
SAM
Sigh, that muck has all the luck…
FRODO
Gollum, you said this was the easy way. What’s all this mucking about for?
GOLLUM (turns and glares balefully at the hobbits)
Nasty, spoiled little hobbitses, yesss they are precious, yess indeed..can’t take a little dirty dirty, no nooo..(under his breath) so let’s just see exactly how mucky we can get here. Hard to beat that scene from Neverending Story, but hey, we’re pros here, yes. (winks to camera and resumes his ‘normal voice’)…just a little bitsy more, yess…yess…
(This mucking about goes on, getting muckier and muckier. From somewhere, a white horse appears, nickering. FRODO goes up to him, petting him on the nose, then frowns)
FRODO
You think if I rode Shadowfax we could get all this done faster?
SAM
Good idea, master. I can ride behind you!
(FRODO frowns even more deeply. SHADOWFAX nods and frowns too)
FRODO
Nah. You better head over to where you will be needed, great horse.
SHADOWFAX
Whinny! (runs off, into rising sun)
FRODO
That’s one great horse.
GOLLUM (under his breath)
And you’re looking at the part of him you resemble most, hobbit…(coughs, clears throat)…look, Massster! The Marshes end! (points, a shack stands on the edge of the fens. A rather surfer-looking gorilla stands there, grinning toothily at them, his arm resting against a large barrel on which are painted four gorilla faces)
LANKY
Need a ride to the next level, kiddos?
FRODO, SAM, GOLLUM
You bet!
GOLLUM
Hmm.. maybe I could change things here…
ANGST-TIME
The famous trio continue journeying on the dark and fearsome way to Mordor. GOLLUM is being obnoxious as usual, SAM has just snapped at him for the 1,000th time, and FRODO is fed up with them both but determined to exercise saintly patience.
FRODO
Now look. We’re all weary and it’s a long way to Mordor. But the three of us have to get along somehow. Perhaps it’s time to put those Conflict Resolution skills into practice, Samwise.
SAM
“****** conflict resolution skills!
FRODO
Now Sam. I know you struggle with a deep underlying hostility to Smeagol.
(Gollum smirks and sniggers at this, which makes Sam look furiously at him – Gollum immediately assumes an innocent expression).
SAM
Hel-LO! He’s the one with the Ring complex, in case you hadn’t noticed – SIR! He’s the revolting little monster who would throttle the pair of us if he got the chance! And you’re telling ME my problem is hostility!
(Gollum by now can barely control his mirth).
FRODO (ever so calm and reasonable)
But I’m the hero, Sam. It’s my job to demonstrate unlimited patience and mercy and compassion to Gollum.
SAM
Oy, you’re not the only hero round here, Mr Flaming Goody-Two Shoes Baggins.
FRODO (getting annoyed)
Oh REALLY? And just WHO volunteered to be the agent of the Valar at Rivendell, Samwise, tell me that? You just came along as excess baggage! By accident, what’s more, if I remember correctly.
SAM:
‘Agent of the Valar? Agent of the Valar?’ What ARE you like? You’d not have got far without me, you wimpy little gentlehobbit, not without old faithful sidekick Samwise to pick up the pieces! Oh no, precious! And you can shut up and all!
(This to Gollum, who is rolling on the ground, roaring with laughter).
FRODO (light dawning in his face)
‘Oh no precious! Oh no precious!’ Sam – this is worse than I thought – I already have poor schizophrenic Smeagol under my care, but to cope with you as well, poor Sam – you’re clearly suffering from counter-transference!
SAM
Don’t you psychoanalyse me, you smug, impossible, conceited – Ring-bearer!
(Sam sits down on the ground and bursts into tears).
FRODO (rubbing Sam’s back, in a comforting, professional sort of way) That’s it, Sam. Just let out it out. It’s so much better to express the hostility and resentment than conceal it … Feeling better?
SAM (wiping his eyes and taking deep breaths)
Oh yes, sir. Thank you, sir. It makes such a difference expressing one’s feelings honestly, sir.
FRODO
Good! Now then – where HAS that little sod got to NOW?
GOLLUM (wiping his eyes, but his tears were caused by helpless laughter)
Oh preciouss, these daft hobbitses kills me, yes, they doess indeed.
SHOT OF ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS STROLLING ALONG. ARAGORN IS PULLING GIMLI BY HIS LEG AFTER THE DWARF FOUND THE STASH OF DWARVEN ALE AND HAS PROCEEDED TO SING:
GIMLI: Hi Ho, Hi Ho…..
ARAGORN: Where to now, Legolas? For I cannot see in this dark, yet we must catch up with these Orcs.
GIMLI (in background): Gold, Gold, Gold, Gold….
LEGOLAS: Don’t ask me, Frodo’s the one who got the right royal gift from Galadriel. You’re the one who’s supposed to lead us.
GIMLI: Oompapa, oompapa that’s how it goes, oompapa oompapa everyone knows, they all suppose wha-
ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS TURN TO GIMLI AND IN UNISON:
SHUTUP!!!!…..
GIMLI: Oh gee, I love you guys…..
SAM (looking at GIMLI) : And I love y-
ARAGORN: Hey, none of that. And you’re not even in this scene.
SAM (blushing): Oh yeah.
FADE OUT.
Well, that’s about all I could think of at the moment, just thought I’d keep up the interchanging between The Hunters, Sam and Frodo and Pippin and Merry.
And I got a song or two in there….
Cheers. (with apologies to Merry….)
Pippin and Merry
———————
SCENE: Pippin and Merry are talking to Treebeard, who is drinking Ent Draught, and the old Ent doesn’t seem quite himself… Maybe it’s the fact that he keeps reading the script while talking. Needless to say, he’s doomed if he’s using this script…
TREEBEARD:
“Aye…. Well, Saruman’s a neighbour, and I should do something about him! Yes, I should! That louse keeps borrowing my stuff and never giving it back. Worse, he has all these freaky Orcs over for parties, and they make SOOOO much noise and I can’t get any sleep any more. HAH!! If he thinks his drunken Orcs can trash my woods, I’ll show him! I’ll just trash his place!”
PIPPIN and MERRY look stupidly at each other.
PIPPIN:
“Um… aren’t you supposed to destroy ISENGARD for a GOOD reason?”
TREEBEARD:
“Oh, spare me all that nonsense! Nobody want’s to see that these days! They wanna see guys blow things up real good just to get other guys back!”
MERRY:
“Oh… I think I get it… But doesn’t that ruin the whole concept of Fantasy?”
TREEBEARD, who is now wielding a machine-gun with grenades strapped across his chest, takes out his cigar, spits, and then speaks:
“HAH!!! Fantasy! What do you little munchkins think this is – Dungeons and Dragons?!”
ELMINSTER:
“Drat that Gandalf – he’s nothing but a copy of me!”
DRIZZT:
“Drow Elves are cooler than your Elves! Drow Elves are cooler than your Elves!”
TREEBEARD tells those two to go away and continues:
“Well, I came here to kick arse and chew lembas, and I am all out of lembas!”
PIPPIN (Who is reading his copy of the Two Towers):
“Look, in a passing nod to reality, can we at least have an Ent-moot?!”
TREEBEARD:
“A what? Is that some kind of drink?”
MERRY:
“AARGGHH!!!! Look, I am all in favor of trashing Saruman’s place, but could you at least have a big, time consuming meeting first?”
TREEBEARD:
“I dunno. I am still high from drinking that Ent-draught… I’d hate to have that wear off… Why are we doing this again?”
PIPPIN:
“Because its the only way to get the timing right between our group and our pals in Rohan! Sheesh!”
TREEBEARD:
“Oh, well, I guess we can do that…”
TREEBEARD wanders off to begin the Ent-Moot, even though he has no real clue what it is. MERRY and PIPPIN follow him into the dark woods.
————————-
THE HUNTERS IN THE PLAINS OF GONDOR:
————————-
ARAGORN:
“Where the heck did those stupid hobbits go?!”
GIMLI:
“I need a swig of some strong, Dwarr-”
ARAGORN clubs GIMLI with an absurdly long sandwich.
LEGOLAS (peering out across the plains):
“Hmmmm… I think something’s coming our way…”
He points to a distant, fast moving group of horses and riders.
ARAGORN:
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this…”
TIME PASSES. The THREE HUNTERS simple stand dumbly in the middle of the plains, not even bothering to hide. Eventually, the Riders reach them. Note that they are NOT the Riders of Rohan as we know them. While they appear like Knights, each one is wielding a legendary Elven katana and is wearing a cowboy hat. In all, the scene appears like some sort of nightmarish cross between First Knight and A Fistful of Dollars.
LEAD COW-KNIGHT:
“Wooah, pardners! What are you’all doing ridin’ through these here lands?”
LEGOLAS:
“Wheeee!!! Silly mortals!”
LEGOLAS begins dancing around pointless, but in doing so, GIMLI falls over drunk. There is a loud thud as he hits the ground. Meanwhile, ARAGORN is sobbing slightly. He regains his composure and speaks.
ARAGORN:
“I AM THE KING, YOU DOOFUS!!!”
Everything and everyone is still.
LEGOLAS:
“Oh, you stupid little man, you… You were supposed to say that later. Ah, well… back to dancing!”
GIMLI belches…
LEAD COW-KNIGHT:
“Wow!!! You’re the King! Then I guess I can skip this part about not trusting you and all!”
He tosses a few pages of the script aside.
LEAD COW-KNIGHT:
“Well, I guess I should tell you that I am Eomer, the cool guy who leads these here Cow-Knights. We were rounding up cattle when we found some Orcs. We are going to go and slay them and all. You wanna come along?”
ARAGORN:
“Sure, we got nothing better to do! Oh, did you see two little folk with them?”
EOMER:
“Uh, sorry… No hobbits…”
ARAGORN blinked at him a few times, and then said:
“Hey, maybe we lost them!”
LEGOLAS:
“Gandalf won’t be happy about that…”
ARAGORN:
“Aw, crud… I guess we should go and rescue them. That’ll look heroic enough!”
LEGOLAS:
“Yes, but one thing is missing…”
SUDDENLY, there is a SCREAM from above. A NAZGUL BIRD swoops overhead, and something falls off from a vast height. Then, it crashes down right in front of the silly heroes. It is ARWEN, and she has choked a NAZGUL to death. (Please don’t ask how!)
ARWEN (as she shakes out the dead Nazgul corpse):
“Iz that ze bezt they can do?”
ARAGORN:
“So much for having a decent story…”
—————————–
THE PASSAGE OF THE DEAD MARSHES CONTINUES
—————————–
FRODO:
“We are doomed. It is dark. All is dark… I cannot see…”
SAM shines a flashlight in FRODO’S eyes.
FRODO:
“AARRGHH!!!! Turn it off!! All is light! I can see, sort of?!”
SAM turns off the light. The three are sitting on a little rocky raise in the endless marsh. Mists are everywhere, and everything has a sickly greenish-grey look. Clouds cover the sky.
Suddenly, lights start bobbing around in the far off mists. They drift here and here, fading and brightening as they go.
SAM:
“Woah… What are those things?”
GOLLUM:
“CGI Wisps… Very scary… Don’t look at them!”
FRODO (Who was not told about the wisps):
“Huh? What lights? What is going on?”
GOLLUM:
“Never mind!”
FRODO:
“Who said that?”
SCENE shifts. The THREE are trudging along through the muck when SAM falls face down in a pool of slime. He sees something terrible and is screaming when he stands up again.
SAM (in a whisper):
“I see dead people…”
GOLLUM:
“Yup! Lot’sa dead stuff down there! All of PJ’s enemies lie buried in that swamp – and Jar-Jar Binks… Lousy, no-good CGI monster… Gives us all a bad name…”
SCENE shifts again. All THREE are sitting on a flat, muddy raise in the muck. It is night and they are preparing to go to sleep. The clouds break overhead and something races by!
SAM:
“Aarrggghhh!!! It’s one of those Nazgul things!”
FRODO:
“Name them not! Say, how did you know that they were called Nazgul?”
SAM:
“I read the Lord of the Rings, you know…”
As the clouds thicken again, an airplane can be seen going by overhead… The THREE go to sleep for the night…
OK, here goes!
ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI are on the borders of FANGORN FOREST. It is night and they are sitting by the fire. GIMLI is mumbling to himself in his sleep, having passed out from consuming far too much dwarven ale. I have no idea where ARWEN is!
LEGOLAS:
Why did Celeborn warn us from going into Fangorn, Aragorn?
ARAGORN:
Did he?
LEGOLAS:
Yes, he did, but it was cut! A clean lift I believe.
(Sploop!)
ARAGORN:
Ahh, was it! I didn’t know that. Well if that is the case then it was probably something to do with warning us away from Fangorn.
GIMLI (singing in sleep)
Row, row, row, yer boat, gently down the buzzard, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is over-stuffed….
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS look sadly at GIMLI and resume their conversation.
LEGOLAS:
So, what you are saying is, Fangorn is dangerous?
ARAGORN: (nods sagely)
Yes, that is what I am saying. Fangorn is as dangerous as something that is extremely dangerous.
LEGOLAS:
I see. (looks about). I don’t feel in danger here, but I do feel great anger, deep inside the wood.
ARAGORN:
It’s probably just the trees having a bad hair day! Look at all those trailing beards of lichen. If I had hair like that, I would probably have a bad hair day too.
GIMLI: (singing as he rolls over, but still asleep)
Over-stuffed buzzards sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah, Over-stuffed buzzards sing this song, all the doo-dah day….
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS look again at GIMLI and resume their conversation.
LEGOLAS:
So you are saying that the trees here have a big hair problem?
ARAGORN:
It could be, it could be!
LEGOLAS:
I wonder why?
ARAGORN leaps to his feet. A faint white figure stands before them, just out of range of the firelight. LEGOLAS joins ARAGORN.
ARAGORN:
Well father, what can we do for you?
LEGOLAS:
Come, join us by the fire, the night is cold. Though with all that hair, maybe you don’t think so?
ARAGORN: (to LEGOLAS)
He is rather hairy, isn’t he?
LEGOLAS: (to ARAGORN)
Definitely very hirsute!
ARAGORN: (to LEGOLAS)
A veritable fur ball!
GIMLI: (Still singing in his sleep, but sobbing quietly)
Yesterday, all my buzzards seemed so far away, now it looks as if they?re here to stay, oh, I believe I’m over-stuffed….
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS turn back to look at GIMLI. When they turn around again, the white and hairy old man has vanished.
ARAGORN:
Where did he go?
LEGOLAS:
He vanished! What was it do you think Aragorn? Some phantom of Sarumans?
ARAGORN:
If he was some ghost or foul phantom, then he was awfully hairy.
LEGOLAS:
Indeed. A very hairy ghost.
GIMLI (rolling over again, but still asleep and still singing)
I’ve a buzzard in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza, I’ve a buzzard in my bucket, dear Liza, a buzzard!
Then stuff it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry. Then stuff it, dear Henry, dear Henry, stuff it!….
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS look mournfully at GIMLI.
ARAGORN:
It will be a long night I fear.
LEGOLAS: (looking about nervously)
And a very hairy one.
SPLOOTH! The sound of a long and hairy night being cut. (SPLOOTH is different to SPLOOP as more hair is involved.)
It is morning. ARAGORN and LEGOLAS are up and about, GIMLI is just up, throwing up that is.
GIMLI:
BLOOOARRRGGGHHH!
ARAGORN:
Serves you right. You drank far too much ale yesterday.
GIMLI:
BLOOOURCCCCHHHH!
LEGOLAS: (looking disgusted)
And let that be a lesson to you!
GIMLI: (looks up, bleary eyed.)
Neither of you have anything remotely ale-ish about you, do you? Hair of the dog and that sort of thing?
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS in chorus:
NO!
ARAGORN:
You finished it all up yesterday. We are going up yonder hill, to see what we might see. So hurry up.
GIMLI:
That hill looks far too hairy to climb.
LEGOLAS:
Too hairy for you, perhaps. For getting drunk and passing out, no one can beat a dwarf, but for running light over all things hairy, an elf is what you need.
And with that LEGOLAS leaps away and climbs the hill. ARAGORN follows and GIMLI trudges behind them both, grumbling. At the summit ARAGORN and LEGOLAS look about. GIMLI joins them after an hour of struggling up the slope.
ARAGORN:
It is a fair day.
LEGOLAS: (breathing deeply)
Aye it is!
GIMLI:
BLOOORRFFFF!
ARAGORN:
Will you STOP that! Middle Earth is not your personal vomitorium!
LEGOLAS:
You can’t use that word!
ARAGORN:
What word?
LEGOLAS:
Vomitorium! I detect a certain latin-ness about it. Only Gandalf could use words like that!
ARAGORN:
Why?
LEGOLAS:
To show his erudition, of course!
ARAGORN:
Oh! Anyway, Middle Earth is still not Gimli’s personal Vomitorium!
LEGOLAS: (suddenly pointing back at the trees)
Look, Aragorn, do you see it?
ARAGORN:
What? I see nothing.
LEGOLAS:
There, between the trees.
An old man is approaching them, all in grey. Nothing much can be seen of him. A small grey package is dangling behind him.
OLD MAN:
Well met my friends!
ARAGORN:
Good day old man, what can we do for you?
OLD MAN:
Some conversation. I bet there is a tale here. Man, Elf and hung over Dwarf. Will you not tell it to me?
The old man leaps lightly up the hill and the package comes with him. There is a flash of white from whatever garment he wears underneath. The grey package loses some of its wrapping and there is a gleam of white from within.
GIMLI: (raises his axe)
I know thee Saruman. Give me some ale or I’ll make a dint in your hat even a wizard will have difficulty dealing with.
The OLD MAN leaps onto a nearby boulder and raises his staff. His grey clothes fly from him and he is all in white. The same happens to the package, revealing a white package underneath. ARAGORN and LEGOLAS stare at the OLD MAN in amazement, realising that it is GANDALF. There is a big blue upside down triangle on the front of GANDALF’S tunic, with the ‘G’ rune on it in red. GIMLI just stares at the white package.
LEGOLAS:
Mithrandir!
ARAGORN:
Gandalf!
GIMLI:
Sausages!
GANDALF lowers his arms.
GANDALF:
Yes my friends, I have returned. I have come back, younger, fitter and able to wear my underpants over my trousers.
ARAGORN:
But you are so much hairier.
GANDALF:
Yes indeed! I am indeed hairy. As hairy as Saruman. Perhaps one could say even hairier.
LEGOLAS: (pointing at the white package)
And what is that?
GANDALF:
Those are the Pork Sausages of Iluvatar, the POT ROAST as was. Processed, they have been sent back, until their sell by date has passed.
GIMLI:
But tell us Gandalf! How fared you with the Balrog?
GANDALF:
Name him not!
GIMLI:
Oh, all right then, I won’t.
GANDALF:
But I will tell you anyway.
(coughs, spread his arms about in a dramatic fashion and starts to chant).
Twas deep below, the world was gnawed,
By nameless things, I knew them not,
My enemy was badly gored,
The roast was in its pot!
Beware the balrog son, they cried,
That whip of flame, those wings of ink,
And if you see one at your side,
Then you should run like stink!
And so I ran, but who knows where,
Long time the slimy foe I fled,
So rested I by the endless stair,
pretending I was dead!
But soon my subtle ruse did fail,
That balrog mad, with eye of flame,
Came tearing through the rocky vale,
And leapt at me again.
Up, down, up, down, around, around,
That balrog chased me here and there!
But on the peak my luck I found,
He tumbled down the stair.
He broke his neck, the Balrog died,
The Valar praised me for my worth,
“A cunning ploy, that plan you tried.
Now, back to Middle Earth!”
So here I am, all dressed in white,
For Sauron’s foe I am to be,
But I’m a coward, this ain’t right,
I’d rather be at sea.
ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI look bemused.
GIMLI:
I haven’t a clue what you are talking about!
GANDALF:
Well, there is no time for explanations, indeed, we have no time to lose.
A white TOULOUSE LAUTREC appears in front of them. They all stare at him.
TOULOUSE LAUTREC:
MON DIEU! PAS ENCORE! (My god! not again!)
GANDALF leads the others down the hill, leaving the astonished TOULOUSE-LAUTREC behind them.
Hama. (with apologies to Lewis Carroll!)
(Gandalf has just finished telling his tale to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. After her attack on the Nazgul, Arwen has again disappeared)
ARAGORN: Gandalf, I am very glad to see you back! I may be the rightful king of Gondor, but I can’t make a coherent decision without you around! So, what do we do now?
GANDALF: Got me. But Let me show you this nifty horse! (he whistles, and Shadowfax comes racing up. He is a beautiful grey-white horse with a marking that looks just like a SADDLE on his back. Following him are the horses that the Cow-Knights gave Aragorn and company.
ARAGORN (striding forward): My horse! (Aragorn slips and falls to the ground.)
ARAGORN: OUCH!
(Horse comes forward, grabs Aragorn’s cloak in his teeth, and yanks him into an upright position.
Just then, the sound of a marching Army is heard. We see ARWEN leading a contingent of Rivendell Elves, in appropriate autumnal colors, and HALDIR leading a contingent of Samurai Lorien Elves, bearing Katanas )
ARAGORN: My love! You’re back!
(he mounts his horse in order to ride forward to meet her, but mounts with too much effort, catapults himself over the back of the horse, and falls to the ground.)
Aragorn: OUCH!
(Horse yanks him up again.)
LEGOLAS (to the approaching Arwen): Where did you meet up with this elven army?
ARWEN: I ran back to Rivendell to tell Daddy ze Rohanese ver in trouble! He zent help! Everyone knows how helpful Elves are! Just look at Santa!
LEGOLAS: But where did the Lorien elves come from?
ARWEN: I ztopped in Lorien on the vay back. Ve are off to defend Helms Deep! But you must go to warn King Theoden zat Saruman iz going to attack!
GANDALF: Good idea! the men of Rohan will have no clue trouble is coming if we do not warn them!
ARAGORN: They never were too bright. Onward to Meduseld!
(his horse rears up, and he falls off backwards)
ARAGORN: Ouch!
(you know what happens next)…
EXTERN SHOT- Three silhouettes of HORSES ride across the plains… the first mighty horse has a figure with a BEARD and a tall hat that refuses to blow off with the wind… The second HORSE is being carried by a monstrous female figure, with a tiny kingly FIGURE riding the HORSE. The last HORSE has an elven and a dwarfen figure riding on it. A small train of what appears to be SAUSAGES THAT WERE ONCE POT ROAST (To be known from now on as “THE SAUSAGE FORMERLY KNOWN AS POT ROAST, or TSFKAPR) dangle from the last horse, holding on for dear life.
ARAGORN (pointing)
There it is!
GANDALF
No you dolt! That’s another rock!
ARAGORN (pointing)
Well, is THAT it?
GANDALF
No!
LEGOLAS & GIMLI
Are we there yet?
GANDALF
By the sacred fire of the Iluvatar, NO WE ARE NOT!
GIMLI
I don’t feel good…
(Sound of hurling)
LEGOLAS
Gandalf! Gimli got vomit all over my elven cloak!
SILHOUETTE of HORSES riding through an open field with one single tree standing to one side. One of the branches manages to club the LEAD RIDER in the head.
GANDALF
Ouch!
The HAT miraculously stays on.
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN
The RIDERS now approach the GOLDEN HALL
GIMLI (Wiping vomit from beard)
They’d better have some good DWAAARRRVEN ALE! in there, or I’m gonna git real cranky-like…
HAMA
HALT! I am the door war….
GANDALF lifts his STAFF and lightning flies from it. HAMA is now a tiny pile of ash on the ground. ARAGORN sneezes and it blows away.
GANDALF
You see? Now THAT is good screenwriting! One quick second, some amazing special effects that people flock to the theatre to see, and a good 5 minutes of dialogue are no longer necessary!!
ARAGORN
Absolutely amazing! That PJ guy sure is good!
ALL
Hooray for PETER JACKSON! Hooray!!
(Moment of director’s self-indulgence passes…)
GIMLI takes a closer look at the Golden Hall…
GIMLI
Is this… is this real gold?
GIMLI looks around…
FADE TO inside Theoden’s throne room. GIMLI seems to have gained weight, and he makes a metallic rattling when he walks. Bits of BROKEN GOLD fall out his pant legs occasionally. THEODEN sits on his throne, looking like a withered old man. GANDALF hits his head on one of the rafters.
GANDALF
Ouch!
ARAGORN trips over the front stair, and bruises his knee..
ARAGORN
Ouch!
ARAGORN’s HORSE suddenly appears behind him, and lifts him gently to his feet.
LEGOLAS
How did that horse get in here?
The SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE POT ROAST shrugs.
THEODEN
Why come you to my throne?
GANDALF
We have come to help.
WORMTONGUE
No they haven’t!
THEODEN
No, you haven’t!
GANDALF
Yes we have!
THEODEN
You have? You mean Wormtongue’s been lying to me all this time? OUT FOUL CREATURE!
THEODEN picks WORMTONGUE up and THROWS HIM OUT THE WINDOW
THEODEN
Strange… suddenly I feel better…
Somewhere in the action the older THEODEN gets replaced by a younger HARRISON FORD in his INDIANA JONES days.
THEODEN
I’m getting too old for this…
GIMLI (under his breath)
Tell me about it…
Suddenly, EOWYN enters the room
EOWYN
Did you just kick Grima out? Because I just saw the bugger rifling through my underwear drawer packing a suitcas…
EOWYN sees ARAGORN. ARAGORN sees EOWYN. MUSIC swells, and the two look DREAMILY into each other’s eyes. ARWEN slaps ARAGORN hard, and ARAGORN reels.
ARWEN
You only haff eyes for me, is dat not right, my love? Or else…
ARWEN pulls ARAGORN’s face to hers…
ARWEN
I take dose eyes OUT, you gots dat?
ARAGORN nods frantically…
To be continued…
THEODEN
Everyone follow me! We’re off to do battle at Helm’s Deep!
EVERYONE gets ready…
THEODEN
…Except for Eowyn. She stays behind.
EOWYN
Again? Can’t I help the unwashed masses find shelter in the caves behind Helm’s Deep?
THEODEN
No, we have no pity for those who have not read the books! (BA-DUM CHING!)
With a flurry, everyone rides forth to battle. THEODEN leads, followed by everyone else. DRAMATIC SHOTS of a mighty army tearing across a beautiful landscape ensue, with majestic mountain peaks and beautiful plains. Text appears at the bottom: “NEW ZEALAND WELCOMES YOU! Call the New Zealand Department of Tourism now for your free brochure!”
FINALLY the company arrives at Helm’s Deep. The ORCS are already there, munching on some babies that were conveniently nearby. The DEEP is guarded by an army of ELVES decked out in beautiful AUTUMNAL COLORS, but they are easily outnumbered by the Orcs.
THEODEN
CHARG…
ARWEN
NO!! Let ME handle dis!!
Before THEODEN finishes his call, the Elven warrior princess lunges forward!
ARWEN
AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!
Nothing, Orc, wildman or sheep can stand up to the mighty whirlwind that is Arwen. Her sword is a blaze of flashing light, her hands are death brought to life. She cuts a swath through the Uruk army like a mower through a field, until at last nothing is left but a field of dismembered corpses. Arwen stands triumphantly in the center.
ARWEN
See? No problem!
THEODEN’S ARMY stands agape.
GIMLI AND LEGOLAS look at each other. They shrug. Legolas steps forward, up to one of the corpses on the ground. He looks at it, then back at GIMLI. He kicks the corpse, with a metallic CLANG.
LEGOLAS
One.
GIMLI walks up to a different corpse and kicks it’s head. CLANG.
GIMLI
One.
LEGOLAS repeats the above with another corpse.
LEGOLAS
Two.
ARAGORN whispers to EOMER
What are they doing?
EOMER
I dunno… maybe something got lost in the script?
CUT BACK TO GIMLI and LEGOLAS
GIMLI(slightly dejected)
Umm… twenty.
LEGOLAS
(clink!) Twenty three.
THEODEN’S ARMY stares at these two in confusion.
UNIDENTIFIED EXTRA
Hey, where’d Gandalf go?
ARAGORN (Looks around)
Hey, where is the old coot? (cough) I mean, where is the mighty and noble wizard?
EOMER
Last time I saw him was back at that inn, I told him he had five minutes to use the bathroom or we’d leave without him!
ARAGORN
So we just left a mighty Maia behind because of his bowel problems?
EOMER
Hey, you can’t keep ten thousand armed soldiers waiting ALL DAY!
GIMLI
Thirty…
The Madness of Orthanc:
——————-
ARWEN:
“Vell, that was too eazy! Thoze Orcs are rather stopid, yah?”
GIMLI (sounded dejected):
“Well, I was supposed to say something about not being tied if you give me a row of Orc necks to swing at, but you took them all for yourself. I’m just gonna go and get drunk.”
LEGOLAS (Also dejected):
“That’s your answer for everything! Can I join you?”
LEGOLAS and GIMLI start getting drunk on Dwaaarrvvveennn Ale, which somehow came along with the Elllvveeennn Army.
GANDALF comes running in, belches loudly, and says:
“Man, I should not have had those tacos! Anyway, it’s off to ISENGARD! Come along everyone – there’ll be lots of neat stuff there!”
ALL OF THE ARMIES follow GANDALF to ISENGARD. Along the way, LEGOLAS stops and looks at a collection of trees and says:
“Eyes! I see eyes in the trees?! Are those Ents!?”
GANDALF (looking hard at the trees):
“No, you’re just drunk. Treebeard is still a bit high, so his pals couldn’t make it. I’m just glad we had Arwen here to help us.”
NEEDLESS FIVE MINUTES OF ARWEN FLEXING FOR THE CAMERAS.
THE ARMIES WALK ON:
THEODEN:
“Must we go this way, where so many good Riders now lie?”
GANDALF (looking confused):
“Nobody died, you kingship?! Thank goodness we had Arwen here to help us!”
NEEDLESS FIVE MINUTES OF ARWEN FLEXING FOR THE CAMERAS.
THE ARMIES WALK ON. They soon reach a pillar with a White Hand set atop it. The Hand is giving them the middle finger.
GANDALF:
“Well, that seems like an invitation to me, but I’m not too bright. Onwards!”
THE ARMY REACHES the Gates of ISENGARD. EVERYTHING IS STILL INTACT!!! A horde of ENTS is standing around outside, but they seem to be lost in thought.
GANDALF (to TREEBEARD):
“AARGGHH!!! What is the meaning of this?! You were supposed to destroy this place?! You stupid, overgrown weed! What is your problem?!”
LONG PAUSE:
TREEBEARD:
“Well…. It’s like this… We were thinking of doing it, but then I said, ‘don’t be hasty.’ which is good advice, and you know how us Ents are, so we got thinking about it, and figured that it would be easier to wait until Saruman can’t pay his rent, and then just toss him out, unless of course…”
THE GATES OF ISENGUAURD OPEN!
SARUMAN (voice over):
“Ah, you have arrived, Gandalf, and see that you’ve finally gotten around to doing your laundry. Anyway, I welcome you to ISENGARD – where you will die! HAHAAHAHAHAH!!!”
THEODEN:
“I thought he was subtle?!”
GANDALF:
“Villains are never subtle!”
The FELLOSHIP, THEODEN, and a few others walk into ISENGARD. Please don’t ask why they didn’t bring the whole army.
ISENGARD is a vast, bowl shaped valley that is devoid of life. Roads lead out from Orthanc, which lies at its center, and the roads are lined with columns that are all topped with nicely polished skulls. Orthanc itself is a big, creepy tower with a huge skull on top. The company reaches the doors of Orthanc.
GANDALF:
“Come down Saruman, and I won’t kill you too much!”
SUDDENLY, the GROUND SHAKES and ORCS start popping out of weird, pod-like plants that come slithering out of holes in the earth. ARWEN gets busy killing them while everyone else, aside from GANDALF, hides behind THEODEN’s wide behind.
SUDDENLY, the DOORS to ISENGARD slide open with a hiss, and a figure stands before GANDALF. He is clad in robes of many colors, and a hood hides his face. He is wielding a large staff.
GANDALF (to Theoden):
“We’ll handle this.”
Then, GANDALF and RADAGAST (who came here out of nowhere) ignite their light-staves just as the evil wizard lights his double bladed light-staff! SARUMAN leaps towards the two good guys, and the whole scene slows down and becomes a Matrix-like battle as the three exchange blows in slow motion.
The battle proceeds insanely, with the wizards running up the side of Orthanc, leaping across absurd distances, and tossing fireballs at each other whenever they have a free hand.
SUDDENLY, RADAGAST is CUT DOWN! He drops to the ground and says:
“Avenge me, brother!”
He vanishes, leaving only his robes behind.
SARUMAN laughs evilly and fires a stream of fireballs at Gandalf!
GANDALF:
“Trinity, help!!!”
GANDALF proceeds to do a Neo-like dodge of Saruman’s fireballs.
Then, the scene somehow changes to a BRIDGE ABOVE A BOTTOMLESS PIT.
SARUMAN (Removing his sunglasses that were not there in the previous scene.):
“I am going to enjoy watching you die, Mister Gandalf.”
They then proceed to have to a light-staff duel much like that in The Empire Strikes back. SARUMAN cuts off the top of GANDALF’S HAT, but the battle continues.
Then, GANDALF cuts off SARUMAN’S hand, and his staff falls into the pit.
GANDALF:
“I am Gandalf the White – you have no color now, and I cast you from the Council! HA!”
SARUMAN (as his robes lose all their colors):
“No… It cannot be… Are you my father?”
SARUMAN falls into the bottomless pit.
MEANWHILE, the attack of the ORCISH POD PEOPLE was stopped when PIPPIN READ PASSAGES OF THE LORD OF THE RINGS and thus made all of the ORCISH POD PEOPLE vanish.
GANDALF returns to the group, carrying RADAGAST’S light-staff. Everyone is standing around dumbly as the wizard says:
“Well, perhaps this staff will be useful, should another Istari arise.”
YODA:
“Always two there are, yes… A master and his apprentice…”
GANDALF:
“Yeah, I know that. I’ve still gotta kick Sauron’s rear!”
ARWEN:
“But I thought that was MY job!”
GANDALF:
“You’ll get your chance!”
MERRY walks in, carrying the PALANTIR. He says:
“Uh, here’s that stone that was tossed out the window.”
EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM BLANKLY.
MERRY:
“You know – the one that Wormtongue threw?”
GANDALF:
“Wormtongue? Didn’t we toss HIM out of window a few scenes back? Oh, well – I’ll take that!”
GANDALF takes the Stone and then says:
“Well, I am off to Gondor – I’ve gotta get there before the bad guys! You can come along, Pippin!”
PIPPIN hops onto the horse, and GANDALF follows, but he falls off. SHADOWFAX bolts away with Pippin screaming.
LEGOLAS:
“Man, White wizards can’t jump!”
“LATER THAT NIGHT…”
After GANDALF fell off his horse, he decided to rest for the night since his rear was sore. Fortunately, somebody was kind enough to bring back PIPPIN and SHADOWFAX.
GANDALF and the rest are sleeping in the open fields near Orthanc. They are dim-witted enough not to leave any guards… don’t ask why.
PIPPIN gets up, belches loudly, and says to himself:
“Gee, I shouldn’t have drank all that Dwarrrvvveennnn Ale before sleeping. I gotta take a leak…”
After find a nearby tree, Pippin returns and notices that Gandalf is sleeping with hit head on the Stone.
Pippin:
“Boy, that wizard is a dolt – he can’t tell the difference between a rock and a pillow. Hey, I wonder what that stone is good for, anyway…”
PIPPIN sneaks closer and grabs the stone away in one quick motion. GANDALF’s head hits the ground with a hollow “clunk!” and the wizard begins snoring absurdly loudly.
PIPPIN sneaks off to look into the stone. He rubs it like a crystal ball and mutters silly phrases over it, all in Latin (of course), thus proving that he is educated.
SUDDENLY, the crystal bal- er… Palantir is filled with swirling colors.
PIPPIN:
“Groovy!”
Images take form in the orb: A vast Tower of Darkness, standing above the surrounding lands with a huge skull on top, ten winged shapes darting about the Tower and eclipsing the moons and stars, and a vast, armored figured who was laughing insanely while wielding a huge sword…
PIPPIN:
“AARRGGHH!!!!”
GANDALF and the rest run up to him. GANDALF’S beard has fallen off in his haste, and he is putting it back on while saying:
“What did you see?! What was there?”
PIPPIN:
“I saw HIM – the DARK LORD!!!”
GANDALF:
“HUH?! How did you know about that stuff?!”
PIPPIN (sounding hurt):
“I read the Lord of the Rings too, you know… And what the heck is Arwen doing in all these scenes?!”
GANDALF:
“Name her not!”
PIPPIN:
“Well, I sure learned my lesson: don’t steal, don’t do drugs, and stay in school!”
GANDALF:
“Thank you for that public service announcement. Now can we get back to sleep?”
ARAGORN:
“Hey, dude – that Stone is mine!”
GOLLUM:
“No! Me wants the Precious!”
EVERYONE looks at GOLLUM with confused expressions.
ARAGORN:
“Uh… we’re not talking about the Ring, and aren’t you supposed to be in Mordor?”
GOLLUM vanishes.
ARAGORN:
“Now, Gandalf, give me the Ring… uh, Palantir!”
GANDALF:
“Let’s play Keep Away From Aragorn!”
The heroes then proceed to toss the Palantir about, each one throwing it before Aragorn can get it. Finally, Arwen lobs the Stone a mile or so because of her absurd strength.
Arwen:
“Zorry, my luv! I will go vith you to get it!”
The two depart, and GANDALF proceeds to go back to sleep, snoring loudly. The scene ends with the Hobbits getting into the Dwaaarrrvveeennnn Ale again…
FRODO, SAM and GOLLUM have reached the BLACK GATES, which are CLOSED.
FRODO
Oh. Oh dear. Well, looks like I’ll have to enter Mordor this way. Sam, please hold my hand.
SAM (rather smugly)
Can’t do that sir, I’m a married man.
FRODO
Since when??!!
SAM (even more smugly)
Since the beginning of the book – I mean film.
FRODO (completely floored)
But – you can’t be!
SAM (waving his wedding ring finger pointedly under Frodo’s nose)
You’re not the only Ring-bearer round here, sonny!
From this moment onwards, whenever poor Frodo is in dire need of comfort, moral support, a hug, whatever, Sam just keeps repeating, in infuriating robotic fashion: “Can’t do that, sir, I’m a married man.”
The Rohan to Gondor 500
Gandalf’s comeback has been slow but sure since he hit the wall in Turn 3 at Isengard earlier this spring, but he seems to be back in form.
GANDALF: Well first, I have to say thank you to the Valar for putting together such a fine crew….Aragorn, Frodo, Gimli…these guys put it on the line every week, and they work so hard, they really make it all happen for me. Working with these guys, and driving the Valmareen Stallion is a pure privilege.
Ned Jarret: Looks like you have solved some of your fuel problems you were having at the Happy Hour…
GANDALF: Well, the feed at Isengard was catch-as-catch-can and He was giving off an un-godly stench. We fiddled with some Ent-Draughts and that might have made it worse. But we’re back near the lands of his birth and that seems to have righted itself. I feel sorry for those guys in back of me but that’s racing…
Ned Jarret: What, really, was the turning point for your team?
GANDALF: Well, we was trying to ride high, trying to get some of the other fellas to go with us. Later we found some help going low and we took a few pounds out of the rear right. I didn’t have number 3 all day, so I had to keep her near the wall and that’s when I rubbed the Sarah Lee Pontiac. Those boys is just irresponsible, and they gonna get what’s coming at Talladega, I promise you
(Fisticuffs ensue between Red pant suited grease-monkeys and the yellow pant suited Gearheads, with no real injuries)
Anyways, we had a hard time finding it all day, but we knew we had enough in the tank and we trimmed up the rear spoiler and got ahold of her a little bit. We was pushing alot but that loosened it up and I just said “we gotta give ‘er” and that put us in a pretty good spot and that’s all I ever ask for…”just give me a chance. put me in a position to win, that’s all I ever ask. So we took our groove low, like we been doing most of the day and I gotta thank everyone at Valimar Racing, K&A, Tide, and the Kellogg Cornflakes Chevy Team. This took weeks and weeks of dedication, hardwork, never-give-up spirit, and sum real science, not to mention a few deaths….
Ned Jarret interrupts: But after all, you are just going round and round in circles, aren’t you?
Gandalf: What’s yer point?
My first essay into what seems a perfected craft. Way to go guys, and if this wasn’t up to your normal par, at least I hope I got Gandalf to Gondor, now someone must get Theoden there, past his run-in with Ghan-buri-Jerry-Garcia-Ghan.
(TORTURE CHAMBERS, BARA-DUR)
(We see Sauron, removing his BLUE BLENDER ARMOUR, revealing a chunky man with curly hair and beard, and EVIL RED BLOODSHOT EYES behind wire framed glasses. He has the mad look of the severely sleep deprived.
THREE MEN are stretched across a HIDDEOUS TORTURE DEVICE. They scream in pain. Orcs are force-feeding one a RIDICULOUSLY LONG SANDWICH)
MAN ONE (with mouth full): OUTH!
SAURON: Stealing videos, are we? Snatching our props? Stealing our RINGS?
MAN TWO (breaking): “Shire! Baggins!”
(Mouth of Sauron enters, and bows low.)
MoS: What is your bidding, my master?
SAURON: Any news on those sisters in Lorien?
MOS: They appeared to have kidnapped a group from Rivendell, including a really scary Elvin lady. But we’re not sure. I suggest we attack the Golden Wood instead of Gondor, to see where their power truly comes from.
SAURON: Nah. That place stinks of cats. I’m not going near it.
(He returns to his hideous torture of his prisoners)
DUSK… the red sky outlines the majestic golden hall of Rohan as a small group of riders approach. Leading the pack is the majestic ARAGORN, looking kingly as usual.
CUT TO Aragorn getting off his horse. EOWYN walks up
EOWYN
My lord?
ROMANTIC MUSIC swells… EOWYN and ARAGORN look deeply into each others? eyes as they grasp hands. LEGOLAS and GIMLI share a look, then turn again to the happy couple, smiles on their faces. GIMLI brushes away a happy tear. PAN DOWN to see LEGOLAS and GIMLI holding hands.
(boom.)
LEGOLAS’ view shifts to a nearby goblet. He can see slight tremors mirroring back and forth in the wine.
BOOM.
WIDE VIEW. Everyone stares around, wondering where the loud sound is coming from.
BOOM.
The shaking causes some DISHES to fall off a nearby table. The SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE POT ROAST fall out of GIMLI’s pack.
CRASH! Like the Kool-Aid man coming to the rescue, Arwen bursts through the door, picks up Eowyn, and proceeds to smash her little body around the room like a rag doll. ALL look in horror. BITS OF EOWYN cover the walls, floor, ceiling, and SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS POT ROAST. ARAGORN screams in horror.
ARWEN
Do not vorry, my luv. I have killed der evil dog dat treatened you, and now our relationship vill be safe!
ARAGORN (In horror)
Ba… ba… ba… umm… ga…
LEGOLAS
Ai! Ai! Sweet mother of Glorfindel, never have I seen such carnage!!
GIMLI cries like a little schoolgirl.
ARWEN
And now dat dis is over…
ARWEN pulls off her LEATHER ARMOR, revealing LEATHER UNDERGARMENTS. Somewhere in the background, a DOG is heard howling. The SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS POT ROAST quiver.
ARWEN
Ve vill proclaim our luv for each udder, no?
GIMLI
I… I can’t see! For the love of Dwarven ale, my eyesight has failed me!!!
ARAGORN (sweating)
Umm… can’t… no time… have to save the, um… world? Yeah, world!
GIMLI (in tears)
Oh my friend Legolas, I have seen the darkest frights the world has ever known, but nothing could be compared to this! Has the Iluvatar been unhappy with my work for the greater good of middle earth?
LEGOLAS passes out.
ARWEN
Do not vorry, my luv! Ve vill go togedder!
ARAGORN (panicking)
NO! I mean, no… We have to, um… go by the PATHS OF THE DEAD! That?s it! The paths of the dead!
GIMLI
Oh horror, first the Iluvatar has taken from me my sight, and now Aragorn speaks of the paths of the dead! Will I never see rest?
THE SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS POT ROAST congeal.
ARWEN
But… but my luv, you know I am too big to fit thru der doors to da pats of da dead! I cannot come vit you!
GIMLI
(beat)… Paths are good!
ARAGORN (Dragging LEGOLAS’ unconscious body out of the door)
I know, I’m sorry too, but we have to go… Bye!
GIMLI flees in the general direction of the EXIT, but misses the door and delivers the STONE WALL a powerful blow with his SKULL. The CONGEALED SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE POT ROAST drag him out.
ARWEN (whispering, with tears in eyes…)
Good luck, my luv… Such der great man.
CUT TO
LEGOLAS, GIMLI, ARAGORN, CSFKATPR, and RANGERS IN VARIOUS STATES OF ILLNESS fleeing from a dramatic sunset shot of the GOLDEN HALL OF ROHAN. A MASSIVE HOLE can be seen in one wall. Bit by bit, the rest of it collapses as the heroes run away.
ARWEN
Ouch!
Theoden: The Red Harlot! What could it mean?
Errand Rider: I don’t know sir, but she wouldn’t put out for me. May you have better luck with her. Now, I must away, back to what you call Mundburg, where my wife awaits and I have a lot of explaining to do. Pity, but I would like to have at least done the deed I will be accused of upon my return. Farewell!
Theoden: Well, Scarlet Harlot, give me your tidings!
Red Harlot: (begins to undo her Corset and skirt)
Theoden: Nay!
Eomer: Sir, Tidings means NOOKY in Numenorean.
Theoden: Oh. Yes, it has been a long time.
Eomer: Since NOOKY milord?
Theoden: No! Since I spoke Numenorean. What do you think Grima is for? Advice? Ha! Now girl, Tell me what your Master wants.
Red Harlot: Gondor is in need! My master begs you ride with all speed to our succour.
Theoden: Succour? This girl’s got a one track mind. I haven’t the time nor enzymes for your lustful ways, wench. Give her food and drink (and put her in my lodgings, to await my return!)
Eomer! Assemble the Eored, we ride for Mundburg upon the closing bell of the Nasdaq! Where’s Eowyn?
Grimbeorn: She was blown to shreds by Arwen milord.
Theoden: Oh well, scrape her into a bag and bring Arwen too. We Ride! To Death’s Dark… let’s go
Merry is riding next to Theoden, carrying a dripping gunnysack of meat that once was Eowyn, followed by a subdued Arwen. Theoden takes his leave of Merry, and deposits him sobbing by the road. Arwen lifts up her voluminous chastity belt, a beckons Merry to scramble under it like a lean-to…gunnysack and all.
Eomer: How these darksome woods throb, or is it my ears? You spin me round round baby round round like a ….no! My discotheque days are over. What could it be?
Grimbeorn: Perhaps it is the Pukel-People? My mother spoke of them, we now only know them as Wet & Wild Wuns.
Suddenly, from out of the trees appeared a band of half-clad straggly, vacant-faced men and women, led by an intense, beady-eyed, long-haired man with a swastika carved into his forehead. The smell of marijuana was palpable…
Charles Manson: What do you pigs want? Can’t you see we were free-lovin’ it over here? This is my ranch, man, and nobody comes through here without paying the toll
Theoden: And what may that be? Be quick, or I’ll run you through
Charles Manson: Cupl’a joints (digs toe into dirt)
Theoden: Forget it punk. Who are you, and by who’s leave do you roam here and waylay my pressing mission to Mundburg?
Charles Manson: We’re the Wet & Wild Wuns, man. This is my posse. And this here’s my squeeze, Slippery when Wet. You going to Stone City? Huh huh, I been there a few times, my friend, let me tell you… I’ve dropped more acid than a clumsy lab tech heh heh heh..
Theoden: Enough! Do you mean to say that you know the way to Mundburg? We have need of speed and secrecy!
Charles Manson: Speed? We got speed, we need weed, let’s do the deed. You fork over some of that Golden Hall Herb, and we’ll show you the way.
Theoden: Done! Can you draw? Make me a map!
Charles Manson: It’s all in here man! (violently tapping his temples) I don’t need the newspapers! I don’t need no friggin’ Internet! No MapQuest, no DeLorme…It’s all in here. I’m in your mind! I’m in his mind!(pointing to Eomer) I’m in her mind (pointing to Arwen)…uhh, no I ain’t. But I’m in that little ¤&¤?&/ mind she’s hiding in her pants, and the chick in the bag, I’m in her mind, I’m everywhere man. You can’t stop me. You can’t stop me by putting me in no prison, I don’t need your leave. It’s all in here. (dies off muttering)
Theoden: Silence! Hjelter Skjelter Holbytla Hagus! Leave these mongrels be, we shall find our own way. Behold, the Halifirien beacon, alight! It has not been so since I was a boy. Mundburg is in need. Let’s follow this trail here and pray we are in time!
The Eored moves away, but the Wet & Wild Wuns follow from a safe distance, flitting from tree to tree like heroin waifs tailing a drunk businessman with wad of cash…
CUT BACK TO: Paths of the DEAD!
ARAGORN, GIMLI, LEGOLAS, the CONGEALED SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE POT ROAST, and SEVERAL RANGERS sit around a campfire, in front of a cave entrance cleverly marked “PATHS OF THE DEAD”. The RANGERS are tending their wounded. GIMLI frantically brushes his eyes with a toothbrush. LEGOLAS questions ARAGORN.
LEGOLAS
However did we get here? Last I remember we were riding to Edoras, and then I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare of which I could never escape! Verily did I scream in my dream, and I wish I could die ere I see what I saw again!
ARAGORN
Hey-y-y! That’s my… um… I guess it would be a girl, that you’re talking about…
GIMLI (Furiously brushing his eyes, while downing DWAAAARVEN ALE with a straw…)
ACH! The image is still there, burnt into my pupils like only the devil himself could! Never will I rid myself of it…
ARAGORN
Do not worry, my friends… soon we will be walking through… THE PATHS OF THE DEAD!
THUNDER strikes… a loud screeching is heard, and the remains of a charred monkey falls out of a tree.
LEGOLAS
Ah, I did not even know those were native to these parts…
GIMLI
But… but… Aragorn! The PATHS OF THE DEAD frighten me as well…
THUNDER strikes again. RANGER #1 ON FIRE runs by, screaming for someone to douse him.
RANGER #2
Stop SAYING that!
GIMLI
Though not nearly as much as what I saw! I have heard that it is filled with the spirits of the most dreaded warriors known to man… the ghosts of Tolkien fans!
GIMLI douses half a jug of DWAAAAAARVEN ALE on the burning RANGER… however, the high alcohol content causes the flame to burn brighter.
RANGER #1 (gasping, in extraordinary pain)
Kill me! Kill me please…
LEGOLAS
Wait a minute! What’s a monkey doing in northern Europe? They are not acclimated to the sorts of temperatures commonly found in this temperate zone!
ARAGORN
It is true, Gimli, about the paths of the dead… Many years ago, one of the name of Kelannar, along with the Queen Wildwood, led the Purist army in an all out battle against the Revisionist forces, led by a Freaqboy individual, as well as one who has been known to cut the hair of Peter Jackson…(cough) I mean Sauron. His barber, you could say. None survived, and all now live in torment for ignoring the lessons taught by the great book. They must now fulfil their oath by playing a role in that book.
RANGER #2 (to LEGOLAS)
This is an imaginary world, so the rules of the real world don’t really exist… Just as the Elves are commonly found in Samurai getup…
ELVEN RANGERS
Hai!
RANGER #2 (to LEGOLAS)
… So are monkeys found in northern trees.
GIMLI (visibly shaken…)
I will follow you through the paths of the dead, but only because I fear Arwen more than death.
BURNT RANGER (Ranger #1, still on fire…)
(gasp) Killl… me…. Pleaassee…
LEGOLAS (to BURNT RANGER)
Listen man, we’re already enough trouble from science fiction freaks because we stole the bloody cocoon idea from Aliens, the LAST thing we want is some moron stealing lines!!
LEGOLAS walks towards the paths of the dead. GIMLI walks up to the BURNT RANGER on the ground.
GIMLI
YEAH!
GIMLI delivers a mighty kick, then follows the rest into the paths. He then turns and addresses the BURNT RANGER
GIMLI
Hurry up! We’ve gotta move on!
LEGOLAS hits his head on the doorway.
LEGOLAS
Ouch!
CUT TO:
PATHS OF THE DEAD.
THE CREW follow ARAGORN cautiously, each carrying torches… GIMLI shakes like a leaf, occasionally taking a swig from a hip flask…
GIMLI
I… I can still see her… in the darkness…
FURTHER and FURTHER they travel, down the deep trail. Finally, they come to a wide open room with doors on either side…
LEGOLAS
I wonder where these doors lead to…
VOICE
They… lead… to… the… surface…
GIMLI SCREAMS, and throws his axe, embedding it into the head of a burnt figure his hand on a door.
GIMLI
Take that, you overstuffed buzzard!
The BURNT RANGER screams! It was him all along!
BURNT RANGER
AAAHH!!! MY HEAD! RIGHT INTO MY HEAD!
GIMLI pulls his axe out
GIMLI
Then ya shouldn’t go sneaking up on people then!
BURNT RANGER
AAH! I CAN’T SEE! YOU’VE SLICED THE CEREBELLUM! MY COGNITIVE FUNCTIONS ARE FAILING!!
LEGOLAS
SOMEONE woke up on the wrong side of the sleeping mat, didn’t they? I happen to have a HUGE blister on my right foot, but you don’t hear ME complaining!
ARAGORN
We must toss away the torches now, and continue in darkness… it’s scarier that way.
ALL douse their torches, except for GIMLI who tosses his to the side. It LANDS on BURNT RANGER, setting him on fire once again.
BURNT RANGER
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARAGORN
SSHH!! You don’t want to scare away the dead now, do you?
Suddenly, in the distance, VOICES can be heard…
VOICE #1
It’s not in the book! Such a rabid rape of the text is impossible to defend!
VOICE #2
Obviously you don’t know the first thing about how a film is made…
GIMLI clings tightly to LEGOLAS. ARAGORN gazes around.
ARAGORN
TORC-ERS! LISTEN TO ME! You must fulfil your oath!
VOICE #3
That is NOT what Aragorn said! If you look on Page 345 of the third edition of The Two Towers…
VOICE #4
But in Tolkien’s letters, he clearly stated he wanted to change that part! How can you so blindly throw away what was obviously Tolkien’s intent?
GIMLI
AAHHH!!
GIMLI flees. The rest follow, leading the way out of the darkness. All around the sound of shuffling indexes and rabid conversation can be heard…
BURNT RANGER (from the distance)
Umm… Guys? I need some help here… I’m still alive… guys? Can you help me out?…
BACK TO THE FUTURE (or: The Swamps of Mordor)
SAM
Well, mathter, we theem to be in the Thwampth of Mordor.
FRODO
Yes, having made it safely back from the Kathhardrath, we now face another deadly peril!
SAM (knitting his brows)
Where ethactly WATH the Kathhardrath, Mithter Frodo?
FRODO
Search me. But I do know that as we approached the Kathhardrath, you suddenly acquired this strange lisp.
SAM
Yeth thir, ith moth odd, in a manner of thpeaking.
Suddenly a NAZGUL flies overhead like a B-52, making both hobbits gasp and fall over in the Swamps with shock.
FRODO (faintly)
Oh Sam … the horror … please hold my hand …
SAM
Can’t do that, thir, I’m a married man.
GOLLUM suddenly pops up from a Swamp of Mordor.
GOLLUM
Ach! Riders in wingses! Wraithsess! Hobbitses! Lucases! Jar-Jar Binkssesssss! Our worst nightmare, precioussssss!
SAM
You know, you really THOULD do thomething about that thpeech impediment of yourth
CUT TO:
FRODO asleep, SAM and GOLLUM sitting, staring at each other.
Still STARING.
SAM
Well, you little thcamp, if you’re jutht gonna thit there, you can go and grab me n’ Frodo thome grub, like coneyth or thomething.
GOLLUM (blank look)
(beat)… What isss… isss coneyth, my preciousss??
SAM
CONEYTH! CONEYTH! RABBITTH! Little hopping critterth that eat grath!
GOLLUM
(Blank look)
SAM (Frustrated)
Nevermind, I’ll grab thome thtrawberrieth.
GOLLUM (under his breath)
Stupid Hobbitses, why couldn’t they asks me for something simple like Rabbitses or something…
CUT TO:
SAM frying up strawberries over a little fire. GOLLUM happily munching on rabbits.
FRODO (murmuring in his sleep)
Yes, there… no… lower…
SUDDENLY… A sound is heard from the woods!
GOLLUM
ACHHHHH!!!!
SAM
ATTTHHHH!!!
FRODO (Waking up)
HE SAID HE WAS EIGHTEEN!!! (Cough) what’s going on?
SAM
There’s some queer goings on about…
FRODO quickly removes his hands from his pockets.
SUDDENLY, two soldiers JUMP OUT OF THE BUSHES!!!
SOLDIERS
HALT!!!
SOLDIER #1
We… ummm… we are…
SOLDIER #2
Soldiers from Gondor…
SOLDIER #1
That’s right, soldiers from Gonthor, and…
SOLDIER #2
No no, GONDOR. With a D.
SOLDIER #1
Gondor…
Soldier #2
Right.
SOLDIER #1(pulls piece of paper out of pockets.)
Umm… where was I… OK, soldiers of Gondor, and we will de… des… destroy you with our maggoty… I mean mighty… blades… as we strike…
SOLDIER #2
Our what?
SOLDIER #1
Umm… it says our mighty blades…
SOLDIER #2 starts patting himself down, searching for something…
SOLDIER #1
…As we… we will slay all allies of Mordor, you fool, er, foul… orcs!
SOLDIER #2
What mighty blades?
SOLDIER #1
What?
SOLDIER #2
You said we were supposed to slay them with mighty blades. Where are they?
SOLDIER #1
The what?
SOLDIER #2
The mighty blades.
SOLDIER #1
I thought you had them?
SOLDIER #2
No, I was supposed to bring the blankets and armor polish, you were supposed to bring the weapons.
SOLDIER #1
(Beat) (Throws down his piece of paper) Here we come, halfway into Mordor, we find our first couple of orcs, and you forget the bloody swords?
FRODO
Umm… excuse me?
SOLDIER #1
What are we supposed to do, poke at them with a pointy twig?
SOLDIER #2 opens his mouth as if to talk, then notices something on the ground.
FRODO
Excuse me? We’re not orcs, actually… we don’t really have the green skin for it…
SOLDIER #2 (Holding pointy twig)
Now, umm, I guess we kill you…
(Soldiers begin poking SAM with pointy twigs)
SAM
Ouch!
FRODO pulls forth STING, and slashes the pointy twigs in two!!
SOLDIER #1
Hey, that’s no fair! Now my twig isn’t pointy anymore!
VOICE
SILENCE!!!
EVERYONE stops, and looks up. THERE, standing regally, is the mighty FARAMIR. He holds a bow in his hands, the arrow POINTED at SAM and FRODO. GOLLUM has disappeared.
FARAMIR
These aren’t orcs.
SOLDIER #1
But they’re short!
SOLDIER #2
I was just telling him, there’s no way these are orcs, cuz they don’t have the green skin for it, see? But he wouldn’t listen…
FARAMIR
SILENCE!
SOLDIERS
Right.
SUDDENLY, SOLDIERS appear all around SAM and FRODO.
FRODO
Umm… Can I ask, sir, what you’re doing here? I mean, it looks like you guys are ready for a battle or something, yet there’s nothing around here. So why are you up here?
FARAMIR
We were… we were umm just going for a walk. Yeah, that’s right. A walk. (Threateningly to his soldiers) ISN’T THAT RIGHT?
SOLDIERS agree, with a chorus of “Absolutely!”‘s, and “Nice lovely walk”‘s, and the odd “Beautiful day for a nice stroll…”
SAM
But, wathn’t there thuppothed to be a battle with Oliphantth and the like?
FARAMIR (growing darker)
It’s a movie. Movies are like war. Things change. Things get cut short. Things die. I’ve seen a lot of war in my time. The screams of children as their village gets napalmed… the smell of burning palms…
SOLDIER
Umm… sir?
FARAMIR (continuing)
…The screams of your men as an enemy sniper takes them out one at a time. I remember leading a battalion through the river… I was in charge of a gunboat in those days, and we were ambushed. Fire from all sides, arrows piercing my men. Jonesamir took 15 to the chest, he was dead before he even hit the water. As for me, I never wouldn’t have made it out alive if it hadn’t been for the extra pair of socks I was wearing that day…
SOLDIER
Sir?
FARAMIR (irritated)
WHAT?
FARAMIR jerks to the side, letting his arrow fly off in a random direction.
The BURNT RANGER pops up on the horizon, screaming.
BURNT RANGER
Someone, PLEASE HELP ME! I’ve crawled all this way from the paths of the dead and I…
ARROW imbeds him in the head. He goes down.
SOLDIER
Umm.. Sorry to interrupt, sir, but we need to know what to do with these halflings, whatever they are.
BURNT RANGER (from the other side of the hill)
MY EYE! YOUR ARROW HIT MY EYE! Right through the retina! My stereoscopic vision is gone forever! I’ve lost my depth perception!
FARAMIR
We’ll take them with us. They’ll be our captives for now. I remember when I was a captive. I spent six years in a POW camp. They would wire my ‘nads to a lightning rod, and every time a storm came up…
SOLDIER
SIR!
FARAMIR
What?
SOLDIER
Umm… we have to go now…
SOLDIER 2:
“Uh, we’d really better be going!”
FARAMIR:
“That’s the problem with you men! All talk and no fight! You forget your swords, wander around in broad daylight – you know, Johnson wander around in daylight too. He said he liked the trees and the sky – idiot! He didn’t come back one evening, and I went out to look for him. I found him, tossed against a tree, with most of his chest blown away. You know what a mortar shell can do to a man…”
FARAMIR draws close to FRODO. FARAMIR:
“Hmmmm… You’re a lot smaller than Johnson was – before he was blown in two, I mean… I think that the blast would probably leave a smeared stain in place of a hobbit – you are a hobbit, right?”
FRODO faints
SAM stands by dumbly as FRODO falls to the ground.
SAM:
“Sorry, sir – I can’t catch you or even lay a hand on you. I’m a married man!”
FARAMIR:
“Yeah, Johnson was married. 2.5 kids and a dog – the perfect American family, until -”
A LOUD SCREAM CUTS FARAMIR OFF!
ORCS and DARK MEN from the SOUTH come running out of the woods. They are all wielding weapons and look very scary, though a bit clueless.
SOUTHERN CAPTAIN:
“I say, sur – what is the meaning of this?”
FARAMIR:
“Get out of here, you lousy southerner!”
FARAMIR raises his sword and attacks. Hordes of clueless RANGERS poor out of the woods to do battle.
FARAMIR:
“FOR JOHNSON!!!”
SOLDIER 1:
“FREEDOM!!!”
SOUTHERN CAPTAIN:
“Sur, you dishonor me!”
The SOUTHERNERS unveil the Conferedate flag as their battle standard and start shooting the RANGERS with duelling pistols. In their midst, Yosamite Sam is running wild. The SOUTHERN CAPTAIN finally meets FARAMIR in battle.
FARAMIR:
“You’ll pay for what you did to Johnson!”
SOUTHERN CAPTAIN:
“Again you dishonor me – have you no shame?
SOUTHERN CAPTAIN slaps FARAMIR with a white duelling glove.
SOUTHERN CAPTAIN:
“Are you man enough to fight for your honor?”
FARAMIR shrugs. SOUTHERN CAPTAIN then shows off his cool pistol moves by twirling them around, shooting birds out of the sky, and such.
FARAMIR runs the CAPTAIN through with a large scimitar.
INDIANA JONES:
“Well, that’s a twist!”
Meanwhile, the RANGERS are winning and the SOUTHERNERS are retreating.
SOUTHERN ARMIES:
“The South shall rise again!”
SOUTHERN ARMIES depart. Just then, the MORDOR CIRCUS CARAVAN rolls by. It has all sorts of interesting things, including ORC CLOWNS who say, “Zug Zug”, DRUNKEN BALROGS, TOY RINGS, and ELEPHANTS.
SAM stops pondering over how he can help FRODO without touching him and sees the ELEPHANTS.
SAM:
“OLIPHAUNTS!! I knew they existed! I knew it couldn’t have been all that LSD! Funny, they aren’t pink….”
FRODO slowly gets up and says:
“Sam, what the heck is an OLIPHAUNT?! Those are ELEPHANTS? Is this more of that speech impediment stuff again?”
SAM whips out a copy of the Lord of the Rings.
SAM:
“Look, it says right here that I am supposed to call them OLIPHAUNTS, not ELEPHANTS!”
PETER JACKSON walks into the scene, grabs the book, and tears it up.
P.J.:
“Here, now – we don’t need that thing on the set! Get back to the script!”
GHOST OF TOLKIEN:
“Tonight, PJ, you will be visited by Three Ringbearers. The first will come at the stroke of one, the second at the stroke of two, and the third in his own good time. Listen to them, Peter Jackson, or your fate will be worse than Sauron’s….”
P.J. motions to the GHOST OF TOLKIEN and says:
“Will somebody get that off the set?! I didn’t order any special effects ghosts!”
The GHOSTBUSTERS enter the stage and the GHOST OF TOLKIEN quickly disappears.
SOLDIER 2:
“Well, we’ve won! And I got 3,000 experience points! Soon, I’ll be a level 2 Ranger!”
SOLDIER 1:
“Yeah, but only if you maintain your Good alignment.”
SOLDIER 2:
“Well, I try to be good… Does it say that I can’t be stupid and good?”
SOLDIER 1:
“Nay, there’s no such thing as Stupid Good alignment. You’re okay. In a few more levels, you’ll be smart enough to bring a weapon with you to battle!”
SOLDIER 2:
“Goodie!”
FARAMIR:
“Yeah, Smith got a lot of experience points – he was only 100 away from being a level 15 Ranger… But then he messed with some blue-skinned freak named Drizzt or something, and that was the end of him. Bam – and I was out of resurrection scrolls! Oh, the shame! I still blame myself!”
SOLDIER 3:
“Cool! I get a speaking part! Hey, maybe we should take these Hobbits with us somewhere!”
SOLDIER 1:
“Good idea!”
They quickly round up the Hobbits, toss them in a bag, and take them off into the sunset
The Ride to Minas Tirith
An Alternative Scene
Gandalf and Pippin on Shadowfax. Pippin is curled up in front of Gandalf.
Fields of Rohan are rolling by, literally, as stage scenery is rolled past them. One falls over and nails Gandalf on the head.
GANDALF: “OUCH!”
PIPPIN: “Hey Gandalf, where are we going to?”
GANDALF: “Minas Tirith.”
PIPPIN: “Why?”
GANDALF: “So I can ride into battle on this fabulous steed, and so you can meet the Lord Denethor. Didn’t you read the book?”
PIPPIN: “Where is Minas Tirith, what are the names of all the stars in heaven, what are the Palantir, where are you from, what…..”
GANDALF: “Shut up you fool of a Took and enjoy the ride. Shadowfax will show you his paces.”
PIPPIN: “My, how fast he runs, oooh.”
Suddenly the path ahead is blocked by a tow truck. Shadowfax screeches to a halt. An overweight guy in greasy overalls, cigar dangling from his lips, jumps out.
MECHANIC: “Hey Bub, your gonna haf’ ta gimme dat der horse, see. Its been repossessed, see. PJ is way bahind on da payments, see.
Gandalf and Pippin jump down.
GANDALF: “But how are we supposed to get to Minas Tirith?”
MECHANIC: “Well”, he said as he scratched his head, “I got this here pony dat wuz scratched from da script. He’s yours if da price is right.”
The mechanic lowers the pony to the ground with the wench. It is none other than Fatty Lumpkin!
Gandalf looks at the mechanic blankly. Pippin rolls his eyes.
GANDALF: “Well how about these?”
Gandalf’s staff bursts into flame, and suddenly The CONGEALED SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE POT ROAST, appears, looking quite runny.
MECHANIC: Well, that is a start anyway.”
Gandalf then whips out yet another ridiculously long sandwich, and offers it to the mechanic.
The mechanic’s face brightens.
MECHANIC: ” Well dats more like it. I am sorta hungry like. Okay itzadeeel.”
The mechanic scoops up the RESURRECTED SLIGHTLY RUNNY CONGEALED SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE POT ROAST, and the ridiculously long sandwich, and hops into the truck and drives off.
Squeals of horror can be heard from the RSRCSFKATPR (RESURRECTED SLIGHTLY RUNNY CONGEALED SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE POT ROAST), as the tow truck pulls away. Pippin waves goodbye to Shadowfax.
Pippin eyes Fatty Lumpkin with disdain. He looks questioningly at Gandalf.
GANDALF: “Errr, aahhh, ahummm.. No problem. Errr.”
PIPPIN: “Hey Gandalf, how are we supposed to get all the way to Minas Tirith on Fatty Lumpkin? Besides, how stupid are you gonna look, riding ol’ Fatty here into battle against the Witch King?”
GANDALF: ” Name him not! Besides, we have all these studio costumes laying about. We can disguise him to look like Shadowfax.”
Pippin rolls his eyes and looks at Gandalf with a queer gleam in his eyes. No not that kind of queer gleam!
Gandalf whips out an old straw hat with a daisy attached and places it on Fatty Lumpkin, now disguised as Shadowfax.
GANDALF: ” There, now nobody will be able to tell the difference!”
Pippin gazes at Gandalf as if he was looking at a deranged person. They both mount Fatty Lumpkin, now disguised as Shadowfax, and head towards Minas Tirith.
Mile after slow mile, they trudge along.
PIPPIN: ” Hey Gandalf, it will take weeks to get to Minas Tirith at this pace. What are we going to do?”
All of a sudden Arwen appears out of nowhere, wearing a string bikini cleverly in tune with the colours of the surrounding scenery.
For some unexplained reason, “Dream On” by Aerosmith plays in the background. Gandalf and Pippin become violently ill, and pull out barf bags.
ARWEN: ” Duh, since I cannot go down de pathsofdedead wif my luv, Aragorn, uh I can help you.”
Arwen then proceeds to carry Fatty Lumpkin, now disguised as Shadowfax, Gandalf Pippin, et al, towards Minas Tirith.
Enter Peter Jackson.
PJ: ” Sorry Liv me luv, errrhhh, a Arwen me luv. Most of your scenes have been cut. Changed me mind. You are no longer the Xena type warrior princess. It just wont do.”
Arwen looks at Peter, and starts bawling ferociously. Fatty Lumpkin, now disguised as Shadowfax, Gandalf, and Pippin fall to the ground with a thud.
PJ: “Dems da breaks kid.”
Arwen, not knowing what else to do, takes three giant steps and is in Rivendell.
ARWEN: ” Daddy oh daddy, what dey did to me. Dey cut most of my scenes. Daddy do somsing!”
Elrond: “Right. Well Princess, I might as well tell you the rest of the bad news. I am not your Daddy. He is.”
Elrond points to a raggedly looking man who is leaning to one side. He is none other than Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. Steve looks as though he has seen too many days on the road, or in the bush.
STEVE TYLER: ” Heeeyyy baby don’t worrrrrriiieeee. I’ll get you some scenes in another movie. Maybe you can come on the road with me!”
Arwen snuggles up to Steven, who looks like he is about to lose his lunch.
Fade to black.
