Voiceover by Faramir: Sixteen castaways have been ferried down Anduin to the Argonath, then tossed overboard and forced to swim to Tol Brandir. Here they will set up camp on opposite beaches, compete for “luxury” and “immunity” rewards, and vote one person off each third day. At the end of thirty-nine days, the last survivor remaining will win a prize worth one million dollars.

Episode 1: Our sixteen contestants are cast overboard at the Argonath. Gimli, who doesn’t take off his chain mail for anybody, sinks like a rock. Aragorn swims to his rescue, but the dwarf is still puking up river water days later. Gimli and Aragorn, along with Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Eowyn, Tom Bombadil and Goldberry, set up camp on the beach facing Amon Hen (known in the Common Tongue as “See no Evil”). Thanks to the Ranger’s survival skills, the tribe soon has a cozy fire. They sit around toasting marshmallows and congratulate themselves on being such a friendly, easygoing group (or, in the Common Tongue, “dead meat”). Meanwhile, on the beach facing Amon “Hear no Evil” Lhaw, Frodo, Sam, Legolas, Boromir, Celeborn, Galadriel, Arwen and Lobelia set up camp and try unsuccessfully to start their own fire by rubbing the hobbits together. Day three brings the first “immunity” challenge: seeing who can rub their tummy and pat their head at the same time. Tom Bombadil, a natural at making a fool of himself, wins this one for SNE; and the HNE’s gleefully give Galadriel the boot in the island’s first tribal council. Sam does his best to explain the tribe’s strategy: “C’mon, man, she’s, like, older than dirt! Besides, all that harp playing was driving us crazy.”

Episode 2: Tom carries on extended conversations with every tree which will hold still long enough. Many don’t. Pippin does nothing but sleep, Eowyn dispatches a water monitor with a cry of, “Begone, foul dwimmerlaik!”, and Aragorn proves himself waaaaaaay too competent by building a three-story shelter and catching enough fish to feed five tribes. After Gandalf washes his grey robes in the cooking pot and they come out white, the SNE’s vow never to use the pot for cooking again. They also vote the old wizard off at the next tribal council.

Episode 3: Legolas complains that the woods of Tol “Speak no Evil” Brandir can’t hold a candle to Mirkwood, and rolls his eyes at the stupidity of mere mortals. He seems to be the only one who doesn’t realize he’s toast if his tribe loses the next immunity challenge. This time the name of the game is “Place that Product,” i.e., create the best advertisement for the show’s sponsor, Longbottom Leaf. While everyone else scrambles to build banners and billboards, Goldberry tucks a single leaf of tobacco into her cleavage and flashes a come-hither smile. Acknowledging that there’s nowhere he’d rather place his product, Faramir gives SNE the victory. Legolas is voted off by the HNE’s, and as he walks down the plank he turns around and calls out, “Nanny nanny boo boo, I’ll still outlive you-oo!”

Episode 4: With his more-popular wife already long gone, Celeborn realizes his only hope of survival is to form an alliance with the toughest members of his team. Sam overhears part of Cel’s explanation to the cameraman and muses, “He’s stranded on a desert island, and all he can think about is his allowance: how very queer!” Boromir overhears Sam’s comment and assumes the hobbit and elf are both gay. It takes a lot of persuading before he’ll join Celeborn’s alliance, but the Gondorian sells his soul in the end. Lobelia and Arwen do likewise because, well, there’s not much else to do on this boring little island. Meanwhile, over at See no Evil, Gimli’s armor is so thoroughly rusted that his arms are stuck out at a perpetual 45 degree angle, making him easy game when his tribe loses the immunity challenge. The dwarf is history.

Episode 5: The reward in this week’s luxury challenge (Gilligan impersonations) is a chance to look in Galadriel’s mirror and see what’s going on at home. Sam wins, but is horrified when he peers into the water and sees the old mill gone and Gaffer being turned out of his home. Frodo convinces him to stay on the island, and the new-formed alliance votes Frodo off for being such a goody-goody.

Episode 6: Over at See no Evil, Pippin wakes up long enough to comment that the only thing stupider than a cow is a Big Person. The Big People retaliate at the next tribal council by voting off…Merry?!?

Episode 7: The remaining castaways merge into a single, large tribe, SNEEHEE, and take up permanent residence on the beach facing Amon Lhaw. Celeborn says he feels closer to home in his new location. Lobelia wins the immunity challenge, “You Lie Like a Rug,” with this whopper: “No, Faramir, there is no alliance.” Sam actually believes her, even after Aragorn gets the boot at the first joint tribal council.

Episode 4: With his more-popular wife already long gone, Celeborn realizes his only hope of survival is to form an alliance with the toughest members of his team. Sam overhears part of Cel’s explanation to the cameraman and muses, “He’s stranded on a desert island, and all he can think about is his allowance: how very queer!” Boromir overhears Sam’s comment and assumes the hobbit and elf are both gay. It takes a lot of persuading before he’ll join Celeborn’s alliance, but the Gondorian sells his soul in the end. Lobelia and Arwen do likewise because, well, there’s not much else to do on this boring little island. Meanwhile, over at See no Evil, Gimli’s armor is so thoroughly rusted that his arms are stuck out at a perpetual 45 degree angle, making him easy game when his tribe loses the immunity challenge. The dwarf is history.

Episode 5: The reward in this week’s luxury challenge (Gilligan impersonations) is a chance to look in Galadriel’s mirror and see what’s going on at home. Sam wins, but is horrified when he peers into the water and sees the old mill gone and Gaffer being turned out of his home. Frodo convinces him to stay on the island, and the new-formed alliance votes Frodo off for being such a goody-goody.

Episode 6: Over at See no Evil, Pippin wakes up long enough to comment that the only thing stupider than a cow is a Big Person. The Big People retaliate at the next tribal council by voting off…Merry?!?

Episode 7: The remaining castaways merge into a single, large tribe, SNEEHEE, and take up permanent residence on the beach facing Amon Lhaw. Celeborn says he feels closer to home in his new location. Lobelia wins the immunity challenge, “You Lie Like a Rug,” with this whopper: “No, Faramir, there is no alliance.” Sam actually believes her, even after Aragorn gets the boot at the first joint tribal council.

Episode 4: With his more-popular wife already long gone, Celeborn realizes his only hope of survival is to form an alliance with the toughest members of his team. Sam overhears part of Cel’s explanation to the cameraman and muses, “He’s stranded on a desert island, and all he can think about is his allowance: how very queer!” Boromir overhears Sam’s comment and assumes the hobbit and elf are both gay. It takes a lot of persuading before he’ll join Celeborn’s alliance, but the Gondorian sells his soul in the end. Lobelia and Arwen do likewise because, well, there’s not much else to do on this boring little island. Meanwhile, over at See no Evil, Gimli’s armor is so thoroughly rusted that his arms are stuck out at a perpetual 45 degree angle, making him easy game when his tribe loses the immunity challenge. The dwarf is history.

Episode 5: The reward in this week’s luxury challenge (Gilligan impersonations) is a chance to look in Galadriel’s mirror and see what’s going on at home. Sam wins, but is horrified when he peers into the water and sees the old mill gone and Gaffer being turned out of his home. Frodo convinces him to stay on the island, and the new-formed alliance votes Frodo off for being such a goody-goody.

Episode 6: Over at See no Evil, Pippin wakes up long enough to comment that the only thing stupider than a cow is a Big Person. The Big People retaliate at the next tribal council by voting off…Merry?!?

Episode 7: The remaining castaways merge into a single, large tribe, SNEEHEE, and take up permanent residence on the beach facing Amon Lhaw. Celeborn says he feels closer to home in his new location. Lobelia wins the immunity challenge, “You Lie Like a Rug,” with this whopper: “No, Faramir, there is no alliance.” Sam actually believes her, even after Aragorn gets the boot at the first joint tribal council.

Episode 8: This week’s immunity challenge is poetry, which Boromir wins with the following rhyme: “Roses are red/ This island sucks/ I’m stuck out here with a bunch of queers, but if I can just hang on until my buds and I vote all the losers off the island/ I’ll win a million bucks.” Tom gets the boot this week for being “just too frickin’ weird.” As he heads down the plank, he’s heard to sing, “Old Tom Bombadil is a banished fellow, bright red his face now is, but his song is mellow.” Everyone breathes a sigh of relief when he’s gone – except for Sam, who’s busy explaining that he still doesn’t believe there’s an alliance.

Episode 9: Arwen starts hanging out with Eowyn and Goldberry, leading Boromir to conclude that they’re all a bunch of lesbians. Sam is so afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings that he adopts an “alphabet” voting strategy and tells everyone exactly what he’s doing. Later he’s stunned when Eowyn gets not one vote, but five at the tribal council. She’s outta here. “Who knew anybody else would vote against her?,” Sam shrugs. Behind his back, Celeborn and Lobelia nudge one another and snicker.

Episode 10: In a rare moment of clarity, Sam wonders if some of his tribe-mates could be ganging up on the others. Then a butterfly flaps across his line of vision and he forgets all about it. Meanwhile Arwen, noting the occasional red gleam in Celeborn’s eyes and his frequent maniacal laughter, begin to worry that she’s made a deal with the devil. “All I wanted was to stick around a little longer,” the stay-at-home Elf says, “you know, get out of the house for awhile, have an adventure or two. But the way we’re going about this is just plain wrong.” She decides to break out of the alliance; but to prove her real independence, she votes against Sam instead of actually picking a useful target, like Celeborn. Meanwhile, the remaining alliance members have finally noticed that Pippin does nothing but sleep, and they vote him off the island.

Episode 11: Sam finally notices the alliance and thinks, “Hey, this looks like fun! Can I play?” Amused, the alliance members convince him that in order to join their gang he has to recite their oath of loyalty three times fast without messing up: “I’m a mother pheasant plucker. I pluck mother pheasants. I’m the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker that ever plucked a mother pheasant.” Six hours later, the alliance have laughed themselves into comas and Sam is in…more or less. “I’m a big boy now,” he brags as he helps vote Goldberry off the island.

Episode 12: Still delighted at having such great new friends, Sam gushes to the camera, “You know, I think I can really win this thing!” Guess who gets booted at the latest tribal council? But don’t worry, Sammy-boy. At least you can go check on the Gaffer now.

Episode 13: It’s the two-hour finale, and Faramir finally reveals the million-dollar prize the sixteen contestants have been vying for: the One Ring! The four finalists fall atop one another, punching, kicking, biting and cursing. Finally Celeborn rises triumphant from the heap. “At last!” he crows, grabbing the prize from a stunned Faramir and thrusting it onto his finger. “I’ve waited so long for this moment–” his eyes glow red, and his body begins to swell– “biding my time, hiding away in that stupid little wood, saying ‘yes, dear’ all the time. But now, after all this time, I have it back at last: my very own Ring, the one I forged three long millennia ago in the bowels of Orodruin!” The Elvish disguise falls away, and Sauron stands revealed in all his horror. “Cower, foolish mortals!” he commands, and everyone hits the dirt.
Suddenly a wail springs up from off camera: “Precioussssssssssssssss!” A dark shape swoops across the stage, clutching a vine Tarzan-like and flashing its pointy teeth. Snap go the fangs, and the Ring is gone from Sauron’s hand – along with one of his fingers (“Damn,” he mutters, “that’s number two!”). Gollum is jubilant. “Precious, precious, precious!” he shrieks, dropping from the vine onto the tribal council floor. “Oh, my precious!” He dances across the stage, so overcome with glee that he doesn’t notice the fire pit until he tumbles in, Ring-first. “D’oh!” gasps Sauron, and vanishes in a puff of smoke.
When the air clears, Faramir sits up and shakes his head. “What the hell was that?” he mutters.
“I dunno,” Boromir replies, “but it looked pretty queer to me.”