Labyn — a bard.
Eãrendil — a really dumb mariner
Ear: What’s a mariner?
Aut: Make that a really dumb mariner that needs to SHUT UP! Anyway . . .
Elwing — Earendil’s wife
Ear: I have a wife!????!!!! Next you’ll be saying I have kids!
Aut: You do, actually.
Elrond and Elros — Earendil’s sons.
Ear: This is beginning to look a bit freaky. What’s next, a dictionary freak?
Aut: How in middle-earth did you know??!!
Audience member — a dictionary freak
R2-D2 — a robot
Aut: How did Artoo get in there?!
Aut’s little sis: Muahaha
Audience — Shaking with suppressed laughter (huh?)
Aut — The author of the story.
Ear: Oh, I get it! Aut, AUThor. Cool!
Aut: Make Ear’s character thingy a really annoying dumb mariner who needs to shut up and has an obsession with the word “cool.”
Ear: Cool!
Aut: Earendil, I need you to sit down.
Ear: Cool!!
Aut: I need you to go to sleep.
Ear: COOL!!!!!
Aut: And I need you to do it now.
Ear: Not cool!
Aut: All right, you can forget about being the center of attention for about a thousand more years.
Ear: Okay, okay, I’ll do it!
{Ear sits down in a chair and falls asleep.}
Aut: Keep Reading! The funny part is about to begin. {Ear snores.} Ear, no snoring. {Ear stops snoring}
Chapter Two: Earendil was a Mariner
Note by Aut All lines in italics (if they show up, which is a VERY big if) are lines of a poem by J.R.R. Tolkien. (oh, so THAT’S the point.) (doi!!!!!)

{the setting: A hall in the dwelling of Namo Mandos (go read the Silmarillion). A Peredhel (go read a glossary of Elvish words) is sleeping in a chair by a raised dais (go read the dictionary) that is surrounded by a half circle of chairs (if you don’t know what those are, then you are an idiot [hint: chances are you’re sitting in one]). A tall Elf (duh, all elves are tall) is on the dais.}

Labyn [elf on the dais]: Hear ye, hear ye! All gather to hear the Lay of Earendil! [Note by aut: pronounced airindil]
{everybody looks at the Peredhel (Ear). Aut walks over and pokes Ear.}
Aut [whispering]: Ear, wake up!
Ear [very sleepily]: Did someone say my name? {two second pause} Guess not. Cool! I can go back to slee . . .
Labyn [projecting very well]: I shall now start the poem “The Lay of Earendil!”
Ear: Cool!
Lab: Earendil was a mariner . . .
{Silence. Everybody looks at Ear.}
Ear [aside to Aut]: Am I supposed to say something?
Aut [aside to Ear]: Yeah, youre supposed to say, what’s a mariner?
Ear: What’s a mariner?
Lab: Who are YOU?
Aut: He’s Earendil, a really dumb mariner who needs to {pointedly} SHUT UP {unpointedly} and has an obsession with the word “cool.”
Ear: Cool!
Aut: See?
Lab: {to Aut} I see . . . {to Ear} A mariner is a sailor.
Ear: Cool!
Aut: I think he’s done. Labyn, you may continue.
Lab: That tarried in Avernien . . .
Ear: Where’s Avernien? (is handed a map with Avernien circled in red)
Guy w/ map: Avernien is circled in red. You should go there. It’s a great vacation place.
Ear: cool! {hands map back} thanks.
Lab: He built a boat of timber felled . . .
Ear: Oh yeah, I cool remember that. I kept banging my cool thumb, so I hired a couple elves . . .
Elrond and Elros: You mean you made us do your dirty work, Dad!
Ear: . . . I hired a couple cool elves to do it for cool me.
Lab: Did I really need to know that?
Aut: I told you he needs to shut up!
Lab: In Nimbrethel to journey in . . .
Ear: Two things.
Lab: Shoot.
Ear: Where’s Nimbrethel?
Aud Mem: In Avernien.
Ear: Cool! Say, aren’t you that dictionary freak that I magically foretold?
Aud Mem: Yeah, but nobody’s supposed to know that yet!
Ear: Cool! [to Lab] Was the timber felled in Nimbrethel or was the cool boat built in Nimbrethel? And if the cool boat was built in Nimbrethel, then how did it get in the water? And if the timber was felled in Nimbrethel, then how did the timber get to where the cool boat was built? I’ve never been able to figure that out myself, and I organized the whole cool thing!
Aut: Ear, you need to shut up.
Ear: cool!
Lab: [to map guy] can I see your map? {is handed map} Thanks. {looks at map} The timber was felled in Nimbrethel. It was then carried to a barge (or something like that) on the River Sirion and floated down. You (or rather Elrond and Elros) built the boat at the mouth of the River.
Ear: Cool!
Lab: Thank you. Her sails he wove of silver fair,
Of silver were her lanterns made . . .
Ear: What’s up with all this cool silver stuff? Are you obsessed with it or something?
Aut: I should think that it would be you who would be obsessed with it. You made the lanterns and the sail, after all.
Elrond: actually I did both of those things. And yes, I am obsessed with silver. [note by Aut — he may very well be. He marries a girl named Celebrian. Celeb means silver.]
Aut: Ah. Go on, Labyn.
Lab: Her prow was fashioned like a swan. . .
Ear: Not cool! Who is responsible for the swan? Elrond? Elros? {starts toward his sons with the obvious intention of causing bodily harm to one or both}
Aut {restraining Ear}: Ear, calm down. Calm down!! It’s your fault. first, you didn’t to it yourself, and second, you didn’t teach them how to carve, so Galadriel had her workpeople teach them. And the only thing that they could carve with moderate skill was swans.
{ear calms down, sees the wisdom in aut’s words [aut puts hands in pockets and whistles while looking pleased] and apologizes}
Ear: Now, for Manwe’s sake [collective gasp from the audience, the twin Elr’s, Aut, and Labyn and Artoo {aut: Go back to Coruscant, Artoo!}] go on with the story, poem, whatever!
Lab: And light upon her, banners laid.
Ear: Did the banners lay light upon her or did the light lay upon the banners? And who is she anyway?
Aut: The banners lay light upon her, and she is your ship.
Ear [skeptically]: So the banners were luminescent.
Lab: Light, in this case, means not weighing much.
Aud Mem: Hey, that’s my line!
Lab: Sorry.
Aut: Labyn, I think you could go on right about now.
Ear: Cool!
Aut: Ear . . .
Lab: In panolpy of ancient kings . . .
Ear: Cool! What does panolpy mean?
Aud mem: Panolpy. 1. The armour of kings. 2. Array.
Ear! Uhhh . . . cool! Say, you’re that dictionary freak!
Lab: Well, doi, you already said that. When you weren’t supposed to.
Ear: Cool! What next?
Aut: Labyn, you can keep going with that poem of yours.
Lab: In chained rings he armoured him . . .
Ear: Chained??!!??? {note by aut — chained is pronounced chain-ed, with two syllables.}
Aud Mem: In this case, chained rings are chain mail.
Ear: Chain mail?
Aut: I told you he’s really dumb!!!
Elrond: It’s a kind of armour made out of small, interwoven iron rings.
Aud Mem: Hey, that’s my line!
Elrond: Sorry.
Lab: It’s really easy to take his line.
Aut: Hey, Lab, I think you can go on right about now.
Lab: Please, it’s Labyn, not Lab. How would you feel if someone called you Aut instead of Author . . . oh wait everyone does.
Aut: All right.
Ear: Cool!