Chapter Three
Being Dead Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up To Be
Boromir, somewhere in the afterlife, was bored. He began thinking to himself, “You know, being dead really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m just stuck here with millions of orcs I can’t kill. I’m almost sure there are people around here somewhere, but there are so many orcs they must be in the same situation I am: thinking being dead isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, surrounded by millions of unkillable orcs, but sure there are other people in the same situation: thinking being dead isn’t all it’s cra-”
“Hi, Boromir! Fancy meeting you here!” Gandalf exclaimed.
Boromir, jolted out of his musings, could think of nothing to say but, “You died?!”
“Yeah,” Gandalf answered casually, “but I’m just passing through here on my way to visit the Valar. I’m pretty sure Manwe and Varda will let me go back. Aragorn and Legolas will need my help, especially with those kids hanging on their tails.”
“What about the little ones? Faramir? Galadriel? Everyone else I haven’t met?” asked the Man, anxious to find out more about current events.
“Fine, they’re all just fine,” said Gandalf in a soothing voice. “Except for the dead ones,” he continued.
“Try to quote within your own movie, please,” said a disembodied voice. It sounded like a teenage girl.
“Yeah, it’s confusing enough as it is!” added a second voice.
“Who are you?” Boromir asked.
“Where are you?” Gandalf added.
Two teenage girls materialized in front of them. The one on the left had dark brown hair, which she wore down. The other was slightly taller, with her long light brown hair in a low ponytail. Both wore black clothes and mirrored sunglasses.
“We’re the Omni-potent Authors, but we can’t give out our full names yet,” said the one on the left, the first one who had spoken.
“Why was that, again?” asked the other girl.
“So the readers will (hopefully) laugh when they get to that part,” said the girl on the left.”You can call me K, though,” she added.
“And I’m J,” said the other, adjusting her sunglasses.
Just as Gandalf was about to ask, “What readers?” both Authors disappeared in a flash of bright neon green light.
Boromir’s only comment was, “That was weird.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While they walked, Hermione made her way to the front of the group to talk to Aragorn.
“So,” she asked, “who exactly are you engaged to?”
Aragorn gave her the true answer.
“Arwen Undomiel, Evenstar of her people, the fairest lady who now walks the face of the earth.”
“Wow, you must really love her,” said Hermione, momentarily taken aback.
“Why do you think I got engaged to her, you idiot?” Aragorn asked her.
Hermione didn’t answer this, but asked instead, “Where does she live?”
“In Rivendell, with her father,” the Man answered. “Why?”
Hermione, suddenly looking like a villain from a really bad sci-fi movie, muttered, “Because I want to kill her!”
“Do what?” Aragorn asked. “I couldn’t hear you.”
“Because I, um, want to send her a fruit basket,” the girl lied.
Aragorn told her, “You’ll get to see her at the wedding in Minas Tirith, when I am crowned King and take the Lady Arwen as my Queen.”
Hermione went back into cheap villain mode and said, “Is that so…” –this time with a cheap evil smile to go along with it.

~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, Legolas had been talking to Harry.
“I noticed you have a scar on your forehead,” he said in a friendly manner, but before he could inquire as to its origin, he was interrupted by a hardly understandable string of syllables cascading from Harry’s mouth.
“It’s-no-big-deal-nothing-to-worry-about-got-it-as-a-baby-just-some-evil-wizard-dude-not-that-bad-really.”
Legolas didn’t catch any of this except the word “evil” and so begged to hear more. Harry finally gave in and told the Elf all about himself, Voldemort, and the prophecy which connected them both, which I will not write here for the sake of those that have not yet read that particular book.
Legolas was truly fascinated, which was why Harry told him so much. He gave a detailed description of each meeting with Voldemort: in the school dungeons, in the Chamber of Secrets, on the Hogwarts Grounds (and, yes, I know that wasn’t with Voldemort himself), in a graveyard somewhere, and most recently in the Ministry of Magic offices.
After Harry had finished talking, Legolas started. He told Harry about Middle-earth, how it was laid out, who lived where, what would happen to them if the Dark Lord Sauron won the war. He talked mostly about the history of his world, about Sauron and his realm in Mordor. He also spoke of Saruman’s betrayal and his alliance with Mordor. He explained about the Great Rings, and why there were Nine Walkers to equal the Nine Riders. He spoke of the Last Alliance and Isildur’s weakness. He told how the Ring came to Gollum and then to Bilbo, and was passed on to Frodo. He also told of their errand when they started out from Rivendell: to protect Frodo, destroy the One Ring and thus overthrow Sauron. Now they had to find Merry and Pippin, so Saruman couldn’t get them and question them.
“If Saruman gets hold of those hobbits, all our hopes are lost. …Harry?”
Harry had wandered off and was talking with Gimli.

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“Look, Pippin, orcs!” Merry’s exclaimed suddenly, irritating Pippin tremendously.
“And I thought I was stupid!” he said. “We’ve been hung around their necks all day and– Merry, you have pipeweed?”
“Why is the sky purple?” asked Merry.
Pippin didn’t answer, but instead said, “Ok, maybe he’s not high.”
“With bagogyr polka dots and neenoo stripes,” Merry continued happily.

~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m tired!” Ron complained. “Can we rest now?”
Gimli had a cow. (No, not literally!) “We’ve only gone two feet and you’re already lagging behind!” he cried. “That’s my job!”
Harry said: “I’m not tired because I get my yearly exercise from fighting Lord Voldemort.”
Hermione said: “I’m not tired because I walk to the library every day.”
Legolas said: “I’m not tired because being tired would be a major turn-off for the fangirls.”
Aragorn said: “I’m not tired because–I’m King and I said so!”
Legolas said: ” Well, you still need to–Ow, my shin!”
Gimli said: “I’m not tired because we only walked two feet.”
Everyone else said: “That too!”
Merry, Pippin, Sam, Frodo, Galadriel, Celeborn, everyone in Gondor, everyone in Rohan, Gandalf, everyone in the forests and everyone in Mordor said: “Why did I just say ‘That too?'”
“Wait, I’m dead,” Gandalf corrected himself. “Never mind!”

~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam were wandering around in Emyn Muil.
Sam, looking around, said, “Mr. Frodo, I think whoever’s in charge around here has been neglecting us.”
“Sam, I’m glad you’re with me,” Frodo answered.
“Mr. Frodo, did you even hear what I said?” asked Sam, worried about his master’s welfare. Gandalf did say the Ring did strange things to people. Good thing I’m here to help him get along. Sam’s thoughts lately had been dwelling on Gandalf and Frodo a lot.
“I don’t suppose we’ll ever see them again,” Frodo continued.
Just then, two teenage girls materialized out of thin air. (Three guesses who…)
“Very sorry, extremely busy, we’re still trying to get organized. We’ll get to you as soon as we can,” said K.
“That is,” J corrected her, “as soon as we’re done stealing Orlando Boom’s underwear.”
K turned on her. “You weren’t supposed to tell them!” she cried.
“What difference does it make?” J countered. “They can’t do anything about it!”
“But it’s supposed to be a secret!” The two Authors disappeared in a flash of bright neon green light, still arguing.
Sam turned to Frodo and said, “Now you can say we’ll never see them again. We probably won’t.”