The History of the World, as Understood by Me
The first beings on Earth were attorneys. They were very important, because they started some problems which Jesus came to fix. Some guy said “Jesus Christ” and that’s when we pretty much figured we should start writing stuff down. All the stuff before that is known as B.C., B.eC.ause it doesn’t matter. Here follows the account of Isildur, the guy that started writing stuff down: “I inherited a ring, which somehow gives me the ability to write. Later they invented paper, and then the ball point pen.”
There ends the account of Isildur, the guy who wrote some stuff down.
Empress Chin then built the great wall, and burned Confucius for contradicting his units of measure. Three months after Confucius invented the swear word (as he was being executed) the Chin Dinosaur collapsed. Then the Han Dinosaur took over. We know Isildur was still alive at this point, because paper, mentioned in his account, was invented during the Han Dinosaur.
Also during the Han Dinosaur, Yo MaMa learned to play the cello and perfomed “The Silk Road” which was such an inspiring piece that people from China floated all the way to Europe where they traded stuff.
Then they started the Sui Dinosaur. During the Sui Dinosaur, former Olympic Torch Carrier Mongolia the Hun blew up the Great Wall at the Battle of Helm’s Deep. Right about that time, a really hot guy invented snowboarding.
Emperor the White was then quoted as saying, “The battle for Helm’s Deep is over. The battle for Central Asia has just begun.”
At that point, they all went back to the capital of Pyongyang, the first Korean state, which is really close to the first American state to join the Federation. About a week later, Emperor Sui, who the dinosaur was named for, re-united China because he was Isildur’s second cousin, twice removed. At this point, we can safely assume Isildur is dead.
Sui got tired of being Chinese and moved to Rome. He later invaded France, and stole Cleopatra and brought her back to Rome. When she got there, the hot guy that invented snowboarding (who was still really hot, by the way) changed his hairstyle and fell in love with Cleopatra. At this point, Paris, the guy who owned France, received word from his crebain from Dunland that some hot guy in Rome was scaming on his chick. He then invented the phrase ‘pissed off’ and went to Rome to get Cleopatra back. A big epic battle ensued, and from that point on Cleopatra was known as Helen of Troy.
Helen got sick of being fought over and moved to America, where she called herself Salem and went witch-hunting. That started the Dark ages, in which time it was mostly dark because everyone had moved to Alaska at the wrong time of year. Some people liked this ‘dark’ idea and started a club called ‘Tech Noir’. They all listened to Rob Zombie and wore black trenchcoats and sunglasses. They found The One and were able to make peace for a while, but that didn’t last long because people started arguing over who was hotter: the hot guy who invented snowboarding or The One? They stopped arguing though, because they joined the aforementioned Federation and became trekkies and because they were all in the Federation, they had to be friends. Everyone lived like this for a couple thousand years, but then they found a descendant of the hot guy that invented snowboarding. The descendant’s name was Spock, and he was not hot at all. They started looking for his relatives hoping that one of them would be as hot as the guy who invented snowboarding, and they found Tuvock. Tuvock was not as un-good looking as Spock, but still not nearly hot as the hot guy who invented snowboarding. In fact he was not hot at all. This threw the world into chaos.
The world was is chaos for about 50 years, until a descendant of The One, Andy Wachowsky, partnered up with Peter Jackson, a descendant of Emperor White (one of the hot guy who invented snowboarding’s closest friends), to have a trilogy making battle to ultimately end the dark ages (because it was still just a little dark) and decide once and for all who was hotter: The One or the guy who invented snowboarding?
They both made awesome trilogies illustrating the events surrounding the lives of the each of the hot guys. The dark ages were ended, and as the curtain draws on a new age, a question arises: what is the purpose of history class if this is all I have learned from it?