“I cannot believe that I agreed to this,” Gandalf said as he hunched over the wheel of the Fellowship’s Ford Excursion. “Going to the fair with this crowd is just too much…have sneaking suspicion a hobbit will be mistaken for Bearded Midget…”
Next to Gandalf sat Boromir, who was counting his “beer money”. How this bold and beautiful Son of Gondor got said money, the author is not currently at liberty to say (though she did mention something about never looking at a pole the same way again…). In the middle row of the massive SUV sat Sam, Aragorn, Frodo, and Legolas. Legolas had gotten no sleep the previous night, and refused to sleep on the rather long ride (well…two men, one wizard, an elf, a dwarf and four hobbits can’t exactly live conspicuously in the ‘burbs, now can they?). Every time the elf so much as laid his head on the side of the door, Gimli started to sing soft lullabies from the back seat…which would make one commit suicide rather than sleep. Unless of course you’re a hobbit named Frodo, in which case you would swoon.
Ah yes, the bitter love triangle. Well…not even a triangle, more of a line really. After the long quest to destroy the ‘oh so tacky’ Ring in the fires of Mount Doom, Gimli had grown…rather fond of the tall, handsome elf. A sentiment that was not then, nor is it now returned to the poor dwarf. However there is a twist (of course…what’s a good story without some good old fashioned drama?), for though Gimli may not get his elf, if Frodo had it his own way Gimli would most certainly get his hobbit!!! Yes, the battle deep in the Mines of Moria made Frodo positively melt in response to Gimli’s bravery. Legolas was often disturbed at Gimli’s frequent and not a little bit obvious attempts at winning his heart. So he turned to his life-long buddy Aragorn, Ex-High King of Gondor. Aragorn was now on the market after losing his wife Arwen to some dark lord and felt that tonight just might be the night.

“Are we THERE YET???” screamed Pippin from the very last row of seats as Gandalf parked the car.

“Yes Mr. Halfpint, we’re here.” Said Legolas as he pulled the short hobbit out of the backseat. The entire fellowship proceeded to the ticket booth to buy their admissions, and after everyone buying unlimited-ride-wristbands, the group split up: Gandalf went his own way, Legolas and Aragorn went theirs, Gimli followed closely behind Legolas with Frodo tagging along. Sam went off in search of the midway and Pippin and Merry decided to go straight for the kiddy rides. Boromir, of course, went off in search of a pint. The first ride that the man-dwarf-elf-hobbit quartet saw first was the big, beautiful Grand Carousel.

“OOOOOOOOOIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Now, Legolas is fairly manly by nature (I know what you’re thinking…but my story, my rules). But the sight of horses just makes him giddy! He ran over to a pretty black stallion, and began to whisper to it.

“What are you doing?” asked the Carousel Man (…so shoot me…).

“Talking to the horse,” answered Legolas, scoffing at the silly question.

“Mmm…Why?” asked the Carousel Man, looking very worried at this point.

“So that I may ask its permission to ride…why else would you talk to a horse?” Leggo responded, thoroughly confused by the man’s ignorance. Legolas remained serious, but to his surprise, the man burst into laughter.

“EY BURT! C’MERE!! This little girl’s talking to the horse! Asking permission to ride him! No wait little girl…if you play your cards right, you might just have a date for the prom…I’m sure he’d have a hee-haw time!!!”

Legolas, who by this time had realized that the horse was not real, decided to settle for the pretty purple horse on the other side of the platform. Aragorn and the others had caught up by this time. Aragorn decided to ride on a large badger and Gimli chose a pink ostrich while Frodo rode on top of a large aquamarine platypus (all animals I’ve actually seen on carousels). As the ride started, Legolas was so overcome by the emotion of feeling the wind through his hair that he decided to sing a nice, manly song:

“I FEEL PRETTY!!!! OH SO PRETTY!!!!!!” he sang from the rooftops (er…horsetops?) as Aragorn crouched down and wished the badger hadn’t been so close to the singing elf.
“That’s because you ARE pretty!!!” Gimli stated, positively panting as he listened to his beloved.

“Not as pretty as YOU are!!” shouted Frodo to Gimli, but his words were lost as the carousel music blared and the ride came to a close.
********* *******

The foxy Son of Gondor had managed to find his pint, as well as the two hobbits, Merry and Pippin. He saw both of them as he walked away from the beer stall and decided to be Richard Sharpe for the time being. The hobbits were walking down the midway when they saw Sam, who had apparently set up a gambling ring. Illegally running a poker game, Sam could be seen with the bookie visor on and a stogie in his mouth and of course, money in his pockets. Merry called over to Sam, who wouldn’t respond, despite the hobbits only being a mere fifteen feet away. They walked over to the ring.

“Sam? Sam! What’s that about, why did you answer me???” Merry asked.

Sam looked up at the two in total confusion. “Sam? Who’s Sam?” he asked in a frightfully gruff accent.

“Uhm…Sam? Are you okay? What are you doing, gamling? Smoking!? What are you doing?”

“I’m makin’ my millions, boys. Hey, you with the curls. What’s your name, sweetheart?” He said, addressing Pippin.

“Uhm…it’s Pippin…you know that, Sam!”

“There ain’t no Sam here. I’m Bubba. Bubba’s the name, gamblin’s the game. Say, you’re awful cute, uh..Pippin…definetly ain’t a name I ever heard before. How’s about you an me get to uh…know each other a little better” ‘Bubba’ said. Sam obviously appeared to be suffering from some multi-personality disorder (hint, hint…). Merry and Pippin politely excused themselves, and prepared to run for it when they heard a gut-wrenching howl.

“HEATHCLIFFE!!! DARLING!!! IT’S MAGDA!!!” The hobbits looked around for the owner of the voice and realized that the woman who was calling, was indeed calling to them. More specifically, calling to Merry! She ran over and scooped the poor little hobbit into her arms. “Oh My little HEATHIE!!!”

“Heathcliffe you had me so worried!! I was afraid you’d gone and gotten yourself killed!” She cried as she kissed Merry profusely. Merry took this opportunity to notice that the woman kissing all over his face had a beard. And a T-Shirt that said “Freak and Proud of it.” The Bearded Lady had obviously gotten over her tearful reunion with “Heathcliffe” because she slapped Merry across the face. “How DARE you leave me standing at the altar like that? I had my heart set on marryin’ the cutest little midget this side of Kentucky, but NO!” she sobbed and slapped Merry again.

The woman then began to take notice of the bewildered Pippin, “And just WHO is this??? The little whore you dumped me for? I knew it you were just like every other man I’ve ever met! Just because I’ve got a beard longer than Luke Skywalker’s light saber just means that I am untouchable by a man! Well you just found yourself a pretty little replacement didn’t you? Ugh..she’s even got a bigger rack than me!!! GOOD BYE Heathcliffe, I never wanna see you OR that trick you do with your…” but the woman had begun to run off and the words were lost in the crowd.

Pippin stood aghast. Sure he had put on some weight, but not that much! Sure his muscle had seemed to go into retirement, but that didn’t mean he was fat, did it? No..it was just the woman’s insecurities…wasn’t it? “Merry…am I fat?”

“Yeah, of course you’re fat.” Said the stunned Merry. He was promptly slapped across the face and left to follow Pippin and apologize for his apparent wrongdoing while Pippin yelled at him for being a chauvinistic pig.

Boromir watched all this and couldn’t help laughing. He hadn’t had this much fun since he tied Legolas to a tree and left him to Galadriel’s whims. He couldn’t stand those two little hobbits, they gave him competition for ability of alcohol intake. Ohh damn…me tankard’s half empty…Boromir thought as he looked down into his once full glass. Suddenly musing over the hobbits’ stupidity he continued. Need a new pint…*gasp* it comes in pints??? Boromir looked up to see a Beer Stand just callin’ his name.

“I’m getting one!”

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