A Shire- like place
Déagol: Woah! That’s a big ‘un!
Sméagol: Why, thank you Déagol! Yes, I do take pride in my…
Déagol: No, you twat! I’ve caught a big fish! WOAH!
(Falls overboard)
CGI Fish: Don’t worry, the CGI does improve…
Déagol: Ooh- a ring!
Sméagol: Yeah… I’ll take that, thanks. (kills Déagol) Hmm, have sudden overwhelming urge to overuse the word precioussssssss…..

Isengard
Pippin: Yo dude…
Merry: Yo dude…
Pippin: Like, totally…
Merry: Dude!
(Enter Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Théoden and Éomer)
Gandalf: Fool of a Took.
Pippin: Dude! I like, totally haven’t done anything yet…
Legolas: So… where’s Saruman then?
Gandalf: In the tower.
Legolas: Are we going to go in there?
Gandalf: Why?
Legolas: I dunno… to kill him, I suppose.
Gandalf: Um, no, he’s… he’s fine. Grand. Okay then, let’s MOVE IT ALONG!
Pippin: Ooh look, a bowling ball!
Gandalf: I’ll take that, Master Pippin! We old folk are quite partial to a bit of bowling in our spare time…
Treebeard: Who’s more wooden- me or Legolas?
Legolas: What was that? I’m shocked!
Treebeard: How come your expression hasn’t changed then?
Aragorn: Okay! Let’s MOVE IT ALONG!

Somewhere very near Mordor
Gollum: Wahey! I can’t wait to kill tricksy hobbitses… very messssy, yessssss preciousssss…
Sam: Hey! What did you just say?
Gollum: Um… my catchphrase, is all!
Sam: Humph…
Frodo: What’s going on? Just to warn you- I’m feeling angsty.
Sam: Gollum is planning to kill us both BRUTALLY! He’s a VILLAIN, Master Frodo, A VILLAIN!
Gollum: Who, me?
Frodo: Oh Sam, for flip’s sake. You’ve been watching Quentin Tarantino movies again, haven’t you? Sméagol is my best friend in the whole wide world, I trust him more than I trust you, you big fatso! Come on Sméagol, let’s go and make daisy chains together!
Gollum: Na na, na- na, NA! (sticks tongue out at Sam)
(Frodo and Gollum skip off, hand in hand)

Rohan
Pippin: Hey, Merry?
Merry: Yeah.
Pippin: Remember ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’?
Merry: Yeah… we were comic relief in that film.
Pippin: Yeah. Sucked. But remember how I used to do all these stupid things?
Merry: Yes…
Pippin: Well, let’s relive some memories, eh? I really feel like doing something ridiculously stupid right this minute.
Merry: Don’t.
Pippin: Yeah, whatever. (Grabs Palantir) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Gandalf: What the- FOOL OF A TOOK!
Aragorn: Oh, give it here… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Legolas: Did you see your reflection? I told you your hair was greasy…
Gimli: This is no time for bowling! (cue raucous laughter)
Gandalf: Look, I’m not going to bother explaining what just happened there. All you need to know is that I’m taking you to Gondor with me. Come on, come on, MOVE IT ALONG!
Merry: Pippin, you big fool!
Pippin: It’s okay Merry, I’ll see you again soon, won’t I, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Uh, yeah, whatever…
Merry: Big eejit…
Pippin: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, um… what’s the end of your name again?

Gandalf: Hold on tight there Pippin!
(Bashes into tree)
Pippin: Ow! My mouth! It hit a bwanch; I think my fwont teeth aw missing!
Gandalf: Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. It’s simply for comedy purposes. You’ll see in a minute.

Before meeting Denethor
Gandalf: Okay Pippin, listen here: you’re not to say anything to Denethor, okay? He’s crazy.
Pippin: …wight…
Gandalf: Don’t mention Boromir…
Pippin: …wight…
Gandalf: Don’t mention Frodo and the Ring…
Pippin: …wight…
Gandalf: Don’t mention Denethor’s incredibly feminine coat…
Pippin: …wight…
Gandalf: And whatever you do, don’t sing! It causes slow motion and much crying.
Pippin: …wight…
Gandalf: Hmm… methinks that you’re not listening to me… what colour is my staff?
Pippin: …wight…
Gandalf: Hmm, alright then… let’s go in.

Gandalf: Hi Denethor.
Denethor: My son’s dead. It’s probably your fault. Bah, humbug.
Pippin: Actually, that would be my fault. Well, that is, I watched him die. Didn’t do much to help really…
Gandalf: Pippin…
Denethor: Eh?
Pippin: Here’s a nice story: I have this friend Frodo, you know? And he has the Ring of Power… and he’s going to destroy it!
Gandalf: Pippin…
Denethor: What now?
Pippin: Hey, is that a woman’s coat you’ve got on there?
Gandalf: Well, I give up.
Denethor: Just you hang on a minute…
Pippin: Can I swear allegiance to Gondor? Please? I want a groovy costume.
Denethor: Yeah, whatever… back to the subject of my coat…
Pippin: I know, why don’t I sing a song?
Gandalf: I’m outta here…
Pippin: *A-ga- doo doo doo, two pineapples on a tree…*

Minas Morgul
Gollum: Well, here we are, yesss precioussss. Many stepsssss.
Frodo: Hooray! Ooh, look at that tower over there…
Sam: Come ON Frodo, you go first…
Frodo: Okay. Hmm. This is quite a small gap. I don’t think you’ll fit through it Sam. Oh well. See you later.
Sam: Master Frodo! NOOOOOO! DON’T GO WHERE I CAN’T FOLLOW!
Gollum: Wrong entrance to stepsssss… stupid hobitsesssss… follow good Sméagol, entirely trustworthy, yessssss preciousssssss….

Rivendell
Arwen: Dad, you suck.
Elrond: Suck what? Arwen, I’ve told you a million times- those rumours were completely untrue…
Arwen: No Dad! You sent me away, after seeing my son! And Aragorn with talcum powder in his hair!
Elrond: Yes, that’s a great way of concealing greasiness, you know.
Arwen: Hmm, yeah… it would be actually. But anyway- I’m going to stay here and moan for the rest of the film, okay?
Elrond: Oh, alright…
Arwen: Now go and reforge Aragorn’s sword!
Elrond: Spoilt brat…

Minas Tirith
Pippin: Man, I hope I don’t die.
Gandalf: Oh, dying isn’t too bad. There’s lots of bright light, and trees, and white shores…
Pippin: Brilliant! Now I actually want to die!
Gandalf: Nah, that’s not what will happen to you when you die. I’m talking about Valinor- you need to have a place reserved there years in advance.
Pippin: Oh.
Gandalf: Hey Pippin, go light the beacons and signal for aid.
Pippin: Oh, man, do I have to?
Gandalf: YES!
(Pippin lights beacons)

Rohan
Aragorn: Hmm… couldn’t they have just used AOL? Théoden, light the counter beacons!
Théoden: Um, we could just come to their aid…
Aragorn: Even better idea! Let’s go!

Minas Tirith
Faramir: Hey Dad!
Denethor: Oh no, not you.
Faramir: You know Dad, I get the feeling you don’t like me.
Denethor: Wow, you always were the intelligent one, weren’t you?
Faramir: I’m confused. You would have rathered I had died, wouldn’t you?
Denethor: Well, duh. Boromir was a great man like myself, incorruptible, strong- willed and very, very handsome.
Faramir: You do realise that I have the audience on my side now, don’t you?
Denethor: Oh, just go die or something. I can eat your remains. Saves me surfing the Internet for a volunteer. At least then you’ll be of some use to me, you big eejit.
Faramir: Okay- I’ll go on a suicide mission. Happy now?
Denethor: Delighted.
Faramir (aside): Damn… I really shouldn’t have suggested that.

Dunharrow
Éowyn: Hey, Uncle T? Can I fight alongside the men in this battle thing?
Théoden: No!
Éowyn: Why the hell not?
Théoden: Because you’re a wo- um, because I don’t want you to come to any harm!
Éowyn: You suck.
Théoden: Suck what? Éowyn, I’ve told you a million times- those rumours were completely untrue…

Elrond: Hey Aragorn.
Aragorn: Oh great- The Most Protective Father In The World™. And what can I do for you?
Elrond: Two of my finest Elves have been slaving for days to reforge Andúril- you know, your sword?
Aragorn: YAY! I mean, thank you. I shall nobly accept. So tell me, how’s that old doll of mine… Artemis?
Elrond: Arwen.
Aragorn: Yeah, her.
Elrond: Not too great, I’m afraid.
Aragorn: Oh. What’s up with her?
Elrond: She’s dying.
Aragorn: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sorry… who are we talking about again?
Elrond: ARWEN!
Aragorn: Oh right, yeah. Dying, huh?
Elrond: Yes. Aragorn… Arwen’s fate is bound to your hair. Unless you wash it, she will die.
Aragorn: Woah… really? Man, Arwen is a really important character, isn’t she?
Elrond: Yes- THE most important character.
Aragorn: More important than me?
Elrond: Undoubtedly.
Aragorn: More important than Frodo?
Elrond: Of course! It’s what Tolkien wanted.
Aragorn: Well, then. I’d better go find a shower!
Gimli: We don’t have to come with you, do we? (cue raucous laughter)
Legolas: Of course we do! Shut up Gimli, you smelly dwarf!
Gimli: Shut up yourself, you pointy- eared Elf! (cue raucous laughter)

Éowyn: I love you, Aragorn.
Aragorn: WHAT? Really?
Éowyn: You can’t seriously be saying you haven’t noticed. I’ve done everything save write ‘I love Aragorn’ on my naked chest.
Aragorn: Well, if you still want to do that…
Éowyn: So, do you love me?
Aragorn: NO! ‘Course not! I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous in all my life!
Éowyn: Oh. Well. Thanks a lot.
Aragorn: You’re welcome. Come on then- let’s MOVE IT ALONG!

Merry: Well, this sucks. I’m not allowed go to battle because I’m short. They let Gimli fight, and he’s short- you’d swear they want to get rid of him or something!
Éowyn: Psst- Merry- ride me!
Merry: Huh?!
Éowyn: Oh sorry, I mean ride WITH me! Come on!
Merry: I’m feeling a bit let down now, but alright, let’s go!

Somewhere very near Mordor
Frodo: Sam, you’re not dead by any chance, are you?
Sam: What? No! Why do you ask?
Frodo: Oh, no reason… I’m just kind of hungry.
Sam: Well, have some lembas bread. It’s just… AH! It’s GONE!
Gollum: Hmm… Sam, you’re looking particularly fat today…
Frodo: GASP! Sam- you ate all the lembas bread!
Sam: What? No, I didn’t- I swear!
Gollum: Liar.
Frodo: Sam, how could you do such a thing?
(Gollum is whistling, rubbing the back of his neck and failing to maintain eye contact with anyone for more than two seconds.)
Sam: Frodo, can’t you see? It was CLEARLY Gollum!
Frodo: Oh yeah- SURE! What, so I’m supposed to believe YOU over my good friend SMÉAGOL here? Go home Sam, you big FOOL!
Sam: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Outside Paths of the Dead
Aragorn: Maybe there’s a shower in here.
Legolas: I doubt it. But we could ask the dead for their help in battle.
Gimli: Good plan! (cue raucous laughter) OH, SHUT UP! (cue raucous laughter)
Aragorn: So… you’re dead then?
Main Dead Guy: Yes.
Aragorn: Sucks.
Main Dead Guy: Yes.
Aragorn: You know, you’re even greener than Grima Wormtongue.
Legolas: What ever happened to him? That was all rather hazy…
Aragorn: Ahem… well… you see… pigeons… many pigeons… uh, let’s just MOVE IT ALONG, shall we? Hey, dead people- are you going to help us or not?
Main Dead Guy: Well, yes obviously. But let’s just stare at each other suspensefully for a few seconds and then disappear out of the movie for the next hour. The audience might think we killed you or something.
Aragorn: The audience isn’t stupid.
Legolas: Some of them are. Like those losers who write sucky parodies…
Gimli: I feel the need to say something comical. (cue raucous laughter)

Minas Tirith
Denethor: Oh no! My son Faramir has been brought back dead!
Pippin: But he’s alive!
Denethor: Yes, it is like that film ‘Alive’, isn’t it? But you know, I don’t think I’ll bother eating him now. I have a better idea- I’ll burn both our bodies in a big bonfire type thing!
Pippin: What the- oh for flip’s sake, where’s Gandalf when you need him?
(Pippin runs to get Gandalf)
Denethor: *And it burns, burns, burns… the ring of fire, the ring of fire…*
Gandalf: Denethor, you big eejit! Stop this nonsense THIS MINUTE, y’hear?
Denethor: Oh no, not you again!
Pippin: Denethor! Faramir is ALIVE!
Denethor: Oh, shut up. Right, where’s my lighter…
Gandalf: Pippin, Faramir covered in oil and looking weak and vulnerable is a very dangerous situation. His fangirl troupe is doubling, nay tripling, as we speak! It will soon surpass your own!
Pippin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Denethor (douses himself in oil): Mwah hah! Who has the largest fangirl troupe now?
(Massive pause)
Pippin: Anyway… I must rescue Faramir! Or else… my dream to gain more fangirls than Legolas will disappear before my very eyes!
(Pippin rescues Faramir)
Denethor: Wait a minute, he’s not dead at all, is he? DOH! Oh well, might as well set myself on fire and jump dramatically off Minas Tirith. That’s all folks!
(Jumps off Minas Tirith)
Gandalf: There passes one crazy man.

Somewhere very near Mordor
Frodo: Flippin’ heck… I’m glad to be shot of that Sam. He was a right loser, with a really pathetic flirting technique.
Gollum: Yessssss precioussss, uh, go into that tunnel now.
Frodo: Sure! Oh Sméagol, I’m glad I can rely on you, you’re 100% trustworthy, and my best friend in the world… Sméagol? SMÉAGOL?
(It transpires that Frodo is in some sort of creature’s lair.)
Frodo: Hmm, well, let’s examine the evidence. I’m in a huge dark tunnel. I keep getting stuck in web- like structures. Despite the fact that we’re underground, there are a load of eagles hanging from the tunnel roof, wrapped in the same cobwebby substance. There is a big neon sign hanging from said roof saying, ‘A Big Huge Spider Lives Here.’ Uh oh, I hope that doesn’t mean…
Shelob: Boo!
Frodo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh man, I wish Sam were here, so I could sacrifice him in my place! (runs) Good grief, what a completely ludicrous situation I’ve got myself in!
Hey, wait a minute… I feel a flashback coming on…
(cue harp and shaky camera)
Galadriel: Oops, ran out of swords. Here, have a light.
Frodo: No thanks, I don’t smoke.
Galadriel: Not that kind of a light, a completely useless one.
Frodo: Wow, this is a completely useless light, isn’t it? Why would anyone need a completely useless light like this one? Surely never, unless they were to find themselves in some sort of completely ludicrous situation…
(End flashback)
Frodo: Yeah, I’d actually love a good smoke now, despite never really being a fan of the stuff before… oh, wait a minute! That wasn’t the point of that flashback! This is a completely ludicrous situation! Better get out that completely useless light…
Shelob: Boo! Again.
Frodo: Wahey, you can’t scare me- look at my BLINDING LIGHT!
Shelob: No, that’s actually just a completely useless light. I’m still going to eat you.
Frodo: Damn.
(Frodo runs around aimlessly for a while)
Frodo: Hmm. Well, I seem to be safe… no spider behind me… no spider in front of me… no spider beside me… wow, it’s a good job spiders can’t climb up walls!
Shelob: Boo! Last time, folks!
Frodo: WAAAAAH! Man, I REALLY should have paid more attention during ‘Spiderman’!
(Shelob stabs Frodo. Frodo makes constipated cat noises and froths at mouth. Audience hopes to God that Arwen isn’t on her way on Glorfindel’s horse to rescue him.)
Sam: So, here I am, wandering around some tunnel outside Mordor… woah! What’s that gruesome spider doing? She seems to be winding up Master Frodo in a giant web and making the audience vomit! BACK, YOU DEVIL/ VILLAIN/ SCOUNDREL/ TWAT!
(Sam now has completely useless light)
Sam: Ha- ha! Look at my BLINDING LIGHT, spider!
Shelob: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Sam: Heh heh.
Shelob: Wait a minute… that’s the same completely useless light from earlier! Oh well. I’m tired now anyway. (backs off into hole)
Sam: FRODO! NO! White was never your colour… Frodo? Oh flip, you’re not dead are you? Hang on a minute! This is one of those moments where the audience THINKS that you’re dead, when you’re actually not. The audience isn’t that stupid… well, some of them are. Like those losers who write sucky parodies… Oh well, I’ll just hide over here, because there are Orcs coming. I’m sure they won’t try to take Frodo to Sauron or anything…
Orc #1: Just for the audience’s sake, this curly- haired dude is NOT DEAD. Let’s take him to Sauron, just for the craic like.
Orc #2: Great idea!
Sam: Doh.

Cirith Ungol
Sam: This is for the Shire! This is for Frodo! This is for my old Gaffer! AND THIS IS FOR SLASH FANS EVERYWHERE!
(Bends down to kiss Frodo)
Frodo: Uh, Sam? What in the name of Tom Bombadil are you doing?
Sam: Tom Bombadil… does he really exist?
Frodo: Who knows? Some people say he does, others say he doesn’t, I personally have my faith, but… anyway, where was I? Oh yes- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Sam: Um… checking for head lice?
Frodo: Sam, head lice is the least of my worries right now.
Sam: Speaking of hair problems, I wonder how Aragorn is doing?
Frodo: SAM! We have to get out of here! MOVE IT ALONG!
(They climb out the window, using the cobwebby stuff as rope)

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli jump off a ship
Aragorn: Wahey! We’re back!
Orcs: Ha- there’s only three of them, and one is the comic relief character. This should be a doddle.
Aragorn: Well, that’s where you’re WRONG! If you think that Legolas is the most lifeless thing on this ship, you’ve got another thing coming!
(Enter Dead)
Orcs: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Legolas: Oh come on, Aragorn’s hair isn’t that greasy…

The Pelennor Fields
Legolas: Take that, stupid Oliphaunt! And THAT! Mwahhhhhahhhhhaaaaa! Come on Oliphaunt, make this easy… I have a lot of fangirls to excite.
(jumps off now dead Oliphaunt)
Well, I think I can now add at least another hundred fangirls to my list.
Gimli: Oh, it still only counts as one! (cue raucous laughter)
Legolas: I think you’re mixing up our fangirl lists there, Gimli.

Witch King: Take that, puny Man King!
Théoden: OW!
Éowyn: Hey- cut that out!
Witch King: Buah hah!
Merry: I’m going to stab you heroically! (stabs Witch King) Ow, my hand!
Witch King: No silly little man can kill me!
Éowyn (taking off helm): I am no man! Surely my long blonde hair should make that obvious!
Legolas: Um, not necessarily…
(Éowyn kills Witch King)
Éowyn: Uncle! Don’t die!
Théoden: I know your face! Éomer- my favourite nephew! I knew you would finally gain some screen time! (dies)
Éowyn: No, it’s- oh, to hell with it. We should really be MOVING IT ALONG!

Mordor
Sam: Oh dear Frodo, my lad…
Frodo: What now, Sam? I’m feel especially angsty at this moment in time, I wouldn’t bother me if I were you…
Sam: Do you remember the Shire?
Frodo: No.
Sam: Bag End?
Frodo: Bag End is in the Shire, Sam.
Sam: The trees?
Frodo: No.
Sam: The grass?
Frodo: No.
Sam: The sky?
Frodo: No.
Sam: The strawberries?
Frodo: No.
Sam: The cream?
Frodo: No.
Sam: Wimbledon?
Frodo: No.
Sam: My various come- ons?
Frodo: Well, they’re kinda hard to forget…
Sam: The promise you made to me involving massage oil and inflatables?
Frodo: No. Sam, I don’t remember ANYTHING! I’m naked in the dark, okay?
Sam: Oh Master Frodo, please don’t tease me like that…

Minas Tirith
Aragorn: What we need is something to distract the Enemy. Something to take his Eye off Frodo and Sam. Something to attract his attention away from Mount Doom. Something that will stop him from seeing the Ring being destroyed.
Legolas: A diversion!
(Massive pause)
Aragorn: Somethings never change.
Éomer: So what the hell do we do then?
Aragorn: Let’s ride to Mordor! It’ll be so much fun, the audience will be so sure that we’ll all die, and then…
Gandalf: The audience isn’t stupid.
Legolas: Some of them are. Like those losers who write sucky parodies…
Aragorn: Again with the obvious. Anyway, are you with me? I mean, you obviously are, but I may as well ask…
Gimli: Certainty of no death? Slim chance of no success? What are we waiting for? (cue raucous laughter)
Gandalf: We’re waiting for Aragorn. He’s gone to wash his hair.
Everyone in Middle- earth: WHAT THE BLAZES?
Gandalf: I know, I didn’t believe it either, until he stole Legolas’ shampoo.
Legolas: WHAT THE BLAZES?

The Fields of Cornmallen
Aragorn: I see in your eyes the same fear that drove me to washing my hair! A day may come, when I will have to wash it again… but not this day! THIS DAY WE LICK SOME ORC ASS!
Everyone: EWWWWWWWWWW!
Aragorn: Oh, sorry. I mean, KICK SOME ORC ASS!
Everyone: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Mount Doom
Frodo: Wahey! We’re finally in Mount Doom. Ten thousand years of traipsing around New Zealand and at last we come to it. The moment when I throw the Ring into the fire.
Sam: Well, go on then!
Frodo: Nah… won’t bother. Gold suits my colouring, don’t you think? I’m keeping it. It’s mine… MY OWN… MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Gollum: Hey! That’s my line! You wait ‘til I get my hands on you, filthy line stealer, yessssss precioussss…
Frodo: Uh oh, he looks kinda angry there. I’d better disappear. (puts on Ring)
Sam: You see, in any other situation, an invisible Frodo would be fun.
(Gollum jumps on top of Frodo)
Sam: No fair! FRODOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Frodo: Gollum, save it for later. I just want to….. YEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
Gollum: Hmm… surprisingly tasty. I might… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Frodo and Gollum fall over the side of the mountain)
Gollum: Man, remember back in ‘The Two Towers’ when I said that that Elvish rope burned? I really underestimated the whole burning sensation there… (engulfed by flames)
Sam: OH NO! Now the audience will think that Frodo is dead! Then again, I suppose the audience isn’t stupid…
Frodo: Some of them are. Like those losers who write sucky parodies… anyway, where was I? Oh yes… Sam! Help!
Sam: Oh, hey Frodo… the Ring is down there on the fire, and hey! So is your pe-
Frodo: Yes Sam, my finger.
Sam: Uh… yeah.
Frodo: Sam, I’m kind of slipping here…
Sam: Oh right, okay then, give me your hand! Hey, is that tomato ketchup? See, I told you the condiments would come in handy!
Frodo: That’s blood, you wally.
Sam: Oh. (hoists Frodo up)
Frodo: Thanks. Heh, while I was hanging there I thought of this great joke, you see, there was this Elf, and… AH! THIS IS LIKE THAT SHITTY FILM WHERE PIERCE BROSNAN WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE A VOLCANO! RUN SAM, RUN!
(They run out)
Sam: Well Frodo, this is it. The end. We’re done for. I’m fed up of being an optimist- we’re doomed.
Frodo: Yeah, that’s what I’ve been saying all along. Oh well, I’m glad you’re here with me anyway. I know I say that at the end of every film, and quite frankly, I’m getting sick of saying it. But at least this is the last time I’ll ever have to say it, because we’re going to die.
(Enter Gandalf and eagles)
Frodo: Hey Gandalf, ever considered joining the WWF?
Gandalf: Nonsense, Frodo Baggins, I’m much too old for wrestling!

Minas Tirith
Frodo: Where the hell am I?
Gandalf: Hey Frodo! (bursts out laughing)
Frodo: Um… hi Gandalf.
Merry and Pippin (laughing): Frodo!
Frodo: Hi! Come on into my bed!
Gimli: Frodo!
Frodo: Um, bed’s full.
Legolas (laughing): …
Aragorn (laughing): Frodo!
Sam: Hey Frodo… oh damn, the bed’s full.
Frodo: Um… why are ye all laughing? I hope it’s not because I’m missing a finger, because if it is, ye have morbid senses of humour…
Gandalf (crying with laughter): Oh no, nothing like that! It’s just because Gimli is in the scene! Isn’t he hilarious?
Frodo: Heh… he is actually. (bursts out laughing)
Gimli: It’s becoming more and more clear that I’ll never be able to shake off this comic relief label. (cue raucous laughter)

Aragorn’s Coronation
Gandalf: Okay, Aragorn, you’re King now. Well done.
Aragorn: *Went to a party at the county jail…*
Éowyn: Hmm… that Faramir dude is cute…
Faramir: Hmm… that Éowyn babe is cute… but I think I’ll wait until the Extended Edition to make my move.
(Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin all bow in front of Aragorn)
Aragorn: My friends! You bow to no- one! Well, except me. Continue!
(Enter lots of Elves, including Arwen)
Aragorn: Arwen! Wow, it’s been a while- let’s make babies! I wonder if they’ll have pointy ears…
Arwen: I wonder if they’ll have greasy hair…
Frodo: Woah! Hold on! Aragorn, aren’t you gay?
Aragorn: I’m very happy, yes.
Frodo: No, I mean, don’t you fancy boys?
Aragorn: No! You’re clearly mixing me up with Michael Jackson, Frodo. I’m not gay!
Frodo: Oh right. Yeah, me neither. I was a bit unsure there myself for a while, but then I saw what was under Gollum’s loincloth. Put me right off.
Merry: I’m not gay either, not after sharing a horse with that Éowyn! Phwoar!
Pippin: I’m not gay at all. In fact, I’m hoping to find those Entwives before Treebeard catches ‘em…
Gandalf: I’m completely asexual.
Merry: Hey, like a tree? You reproduce on your own, right?
Pippin: Tree? Where?
Gimli: Nobody gives a hoot either way about me, I’m just the comic relief character. (cue raucous laughter)
(All turn to look at Sam)
Sam: Gay? Who ever said anything about being gay?
Frodo: Woah, I must have been really hallucinating back in Mordor…
Aragorn: Legolas?
Legolas: Um… yes?
Aragorn: Are you gay?
Legolas: AHA! AHHAHAAAAAHAAAAAA!
Aragorn: Well… are you?
Legolas: Um… shouldn’t we be MOVING IT ALONG?!

The Grey Havens
Frodo: Well Sam, I’ll be off then. See ya.
Sam: Hold on a minute! Will I ever see you again?
Frodo: Well… um… one day… well, no.
Sam: Oh.
Frodo: But it’s okay, because you have Rosie now!
Sam: Yeah. Rosie. Wahoo.
Frodo: Look, you can finish my book. How’s about that?
Sam: Huzzah.
Frodo: Oh Sam. Oh my dear. Dear Sam. My dear Sam.
Sam: Frodo, you’re making the audience cringe again.
Frodo: Nah, they’re not even listening. Too busy crying.
Sam: Well, seeing as you’re leaving me once and for all, the least you could do is kiss my head.
Frodo: Of course! (kisses Sam’s head)
Sam: I didn’t mean that head.
Gandalf: OKAY! Let’s MOVE IT ALONG now! Merry and Pippin?
Merry and Pippin (crying): Yes?
Gandalf: I will not say do not weep, for…
Merry: You just did.
Gandalf: What?
Merry: By saying ‘I will not say do not weep’, you said ‘do not weep’.
Gandalf: Oh, shut up…
Pippin: HAH! You can’t even use your ‘Fool of a Took’ line this time, Mr. Grumpy!
Gandalf: Oh shut up, the pair of you. You just ruined the best line of the whole film.
Frodo: You’re forgetting that this isn’t a film, it’s just a stupid parody designed to get a few cheap laughs.
Elrond: Look, can we MOVE IT ALONG a bit? They’re having a sale on purple gowns in Valinor, I don’t want to miss it.
Gandalf: Bye, stupid Hobbits.
Merry: Bye old fella.
Pippin: FOOL OF A WIZARD! Boy, I’ve wanted to say that for so long!
Sam: Bye Frodo. I’ll finish your book for you- by turning it into a really cheap parody!
Frodo: God, I hate those parodies. Oh well, bye everyone!
(close up on Frodo, who is smiling)
Frodo: Wahey! I can’t wait to be shot of the place!

Sam comes home to the Shire
Elanor Gamgee: DADDY! (Jumps into Sam’s arms)
Sam: Ow, my back!

-THE END-

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