Disclaimer: I do not own Middle Earth or any of the characters therein.

Frodo Baggins

Dear diary,

Gandalf showed up today. Late, as usual. And, what’s more, he meant to be. Why can’t wizards keep their appointments?
As usual, he told me absolutely nothing about the world beyond the Shire, only that hobbits are rather boring and nobody really wants to know about them. Thank you Gandalf. Does he think that just because he’s old, he can do exactly as he likes?
Bilbo acting odd. Mind you, this is Bilbo.

Have to change for party now. Hope Merry hasn’t pinched my favourite waistcoat, he has quite enough of his own and he can’t keep on using that “We’re Cousins” excuse forever…

Frodo Baggins

Dear diary,

Well, what a party. Am rather good at dancing, and was quite enjoying myself until Bilbo told me that I can’t dance and would I please leave the vicinity to somewhere where he didn’t have to look at me, preferably other side of Middle Earth. Hmph. All he did was sit and lie his eyebrows off about his “adventures” while watched by an audience of small children, clearly bored out of their minds.

Am still the motivating force in Sam and Rosie relationship. Honestly, I do all the legwork while Sam blushes and Rosie flirts like crazy. Am hoping I will not have to be the motivating force much longer, though, as Sam is getting harder and harder to push. He should join Weightwatchers.

Merry and Pippin let off a firework inside a tent. Not sure why they thought this was a good idea.

PS: Just remembered, Bilbo vanished, leaving me his magical ring. However, Gandalf won’t let me use it. Spoilsport.

Frodo Baggins

Dear Diary,

Gandalf showed up (after several years- wizards can’t keep appointments) and told me that Bilbo’s Ring is evil, and I will have to leave the Shire. Can’t help but suspect this is an elaborate practical joke, but will leave anyway, if only because cannot stand one more garden party listening to gossiping gammers and the avoiding the Sackville-Bagginses. Also, do not want to meet anyone who was in The Green Dragon last night. Cannot quite remember what happened, but have a feeling it involved many pints, much damage to furniture, Rosie Cotton and a rather interesting song about swords and shields.

Asked Gandalf to take Ring, but he refused. Says he has to go off and see a wizard. Who does he think he is, Dorothy?

Sam coming as well. Personally think that he is just too scared of Rosie to stay in Hobbiton. Either that, or he was at The Dragon last night as well.

Frodo Baggins 

Dear Diary,

Sam getting cold feet while walking through cornfield, so vividly described dangers of going on adventures to motivate him. That failing, threatened to feed him to said dangers if he did not shift his overly large behind. That worked.

Bumped into Pippin and Merry in Farmer Maggot’s fields, where they had been pilfering crops. Not quite sure why they thought poaching was a good idea. Honestly, Merry has a veritable corner shop of comestibles in his pockets, why does he need more?

Are now being chased. Had previously assumed that they were hired hands from Farmer Maggot, but after noticing strange screaming and long black robes, now think they are dementors. Must get autographs- am a huge HP fan! 

Escaped dementors by jumping fully five feet onto Bucklebury Ferry. If I have time after the quest, I think I will become a long jump champion.

Olympics here we come!

Frodo Baggins

Dear diary,

Reached the Prancing Pony in the early evening. Gandalf hasn’t been here for months! Did I mention that wizards can’t keep appointments?

Pippin started shooting his mouth off about quest. Tried to shut him up, only to trip and have Ring land on finger. Did not think this possible until just now. Physics seems to only work here when it wants to.

World looks like it’s underwater when Ring is on, and moves in slow motion. Very disconcerting, but not quite as disconcerting as giant flaming eyeball that appears. Next time, will remember to offer it eyedrops.

Met mysterious ranger called Strider, with greasiest hair in the world. Also, has so much stubble I could use his chin as sandpaper. Insisted that we move into another room and sleep on the floor after my accident. Noticed he wasn’t sleeping on the floor. Hmph. Why is everyone so pushy?

Frodo Baggins

Dear Diary,

bedroom has been trashed by dementors! Maybe not such a good idea to ask for autographs after all then. Have set off into the wild. Strider would not let us have second breakfast.

Why are all the Big Folk so harsh on hobbits?

Frodo Baggins

Dear Diary,

Strider can take you by paths seldom trodden “! Hah! More often swam, by the looks of things! Have been trekking across marshy peat bog and swamps all day. Did not help that Pippin kept treading on my foot. Told Strider Ring was getting heavy, and asked for a rest. He told me to shut up and stop moaning, shortie. Have finally stopped for a break at Weathertop. Strider sloped off to goodness knows where. Other hobbits discoursing loudly. Will try and get a decent bit of kip.

Adventures? Huh.

Frodo Baggins

Dear Diary,

Spoke too soon. Adventures definitely not boring. Are pretty painful, though.

Woke up to see other hobbits cooking supper over a roaring fire. Why are Pip and Merry such idiots? Attempted to relieve rage by stamping on fire. Regretted this when foot hair was set alight.
Dementors attacked us. Strider nowhere to be seen, so had to defend ourselves. Why do Merry and Pippin think that doing a Diversity-style dance routine helps at all?
Attempted to escape by putting on Ring. Apparently, aside from underwater special effects, also gives you X-ray vision. Dementors turn out to be strange-looking white kings. Does not make them any easier to tell apart, though. They should get nametags.
Tall white king stabbed me in the shoulder! Strider finally managed to show up and set dementors on fire. Asked him why he hadn’t showed up earlier. Strider looked at his feet and muttered something about examining his stubble. Hmph.

Text in italics ( apart from “at all”) is from “Fellowship of the Ring”.

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