Disclaimer: the original Very Secret Diaries belong to Cassandra Claire.

Day 1

Attacked Uruk-hai tonight. Stacked their heads on a tire fire. Uruk threw me in the mud. Hair update: Terrible.

Day 2

Washed my hair 1,2384 times. Can’t get the mud out. Took 18 baths. Can’t get the mud out. This is getting v. annoying. Stupid Orcs.
Theodred got stabbed or something. Even his dead body looks better than mine. Got thrown out of Edoras for some reason.

Day 3

STILL have mud in my hair. Only choice left is to wear helmet. Rode to the Gap of Rohan. Apparently they don’t sell helmets. No choice left but to wear an Uruk-hai helmet. Went back to the tire fire. Couldn’t find helmet. Found frying pan. Used frying pan as hat. A Dwarf, an Elf and a Man (All of which have WAY better hair than me) interrupted my nap. Took off frying pan. Mud is gone! Did a victory dance on a horse. Man (who turns out to be Aragorn, son of Arathorn) asked about ‘hobbits’. Spent the next 5 hours trying to find the word ‘hobbit’ in the dictionary. Hair update: Manly.

Day 6

Apparently,Rohan is in some kind of battle. Rode down a hill and slaughtered a bunch of Uruks with my sword. Take that, stupid Uruks. Hair status: Turns a pale silver color at sunset.

Day 10

Théoden says we need to fight. I snuck away from the cavalry. Don’t want to be thrown into a mud puddle again. Tried to find Eowyn to ask her what my hair looks like, but couldn’t find her anywhere. She probably ran off with the cavalry.

Day 11

Nothing to do around Dunharrow. Went into the Paths of the Dead to see if there was anything interesting. Apparently, there are these giant fart whirlpools and a skeleton bridge. V. weird. Something tried to grab me and stab me. Screamed like a little girl and jumped out of the mountain.

Day 16

Okay, maybe I should have gone with the cavalry. Eowyn killed the Witch-king, and someone took the title of king under MY name! How dare they!

Day 18

Went to the Black Gate today and tried to earn the title of King, but no such luck. This week is sucking BAD. Left battle and climbed Mount Doom. Found out what hobbits are. Fat hobbit must have thought I was someone named Gollum. Tried to throw the Ring in the fire. Fat hobbit made me trip. Fell into lava. I guess I’ll never get a chance to be King, or have good hair ever again.