The Worst Hobbit Movie Script Ever

Part 1 by Rosie_Cotton43

(Black.)
Galadriel (v.o.): It is a time of fear. Dark creatures are moving into the lands of the free peoples. Trolls, goblins, wolves, and a dragon.
(Smaug flies to the Lonely Mountain.)
Smaug, a dragon of Morgoth, attacked the dwarf kingdom of Erebor.
(The mountain halls burn. Dwarves run every which way.)
All were killed, save one.
(Thorin and the dwarves dig in a mine. Thorin pauses to take a breath.)
Thorin, heir to the king under the mountain, escaped that dark day, and now, with rumors of a great treasure being hoarded by Smaug in the mountain, Thorin prepares to retake what belongs to him. The quest will be wrought with danger; to get to the mountain they must journey through dark forests, battle fell beasts, and former friends. Only time will tell if they get through the—
Old Bilbo (v.o): Hey, can’t the hobbit get some attention?
(Fade to the doorway of Bag-End where Bilbo stands. The words “The Hobbit” appear.)
Galadriel (v.o.): *Fine.* Once upon a time, there was a little hobbit named—
Old Bilbo (v.o.): They know who I am. I was in Lord of the Rings, wasn’t I?
Galadriel (v.o.): That. Hasn’t. Happened. Yet.
Old Bilbo (v.o.): Yeah, well whatever. That fellow down there? That’s me. The name’s Bilbo Baggins, and I expect you to remember it.
(Gandalf walks up the path.)
Gandalf: (darkly) Hello.
Bilbo: Good morning, Gandalf.
Old Bilbo (v.o.): Yes, now as I was saying—
Gandalf: I bring tidings. You would do well to listen to my words, so you may prepare for the coming events.
Bilbo: Oh dear me!
Gandalf: I have news of an urgent nature, something you must know before it’s too late.
Bilbo: What—what is it?
Gandalf: I am coming to tea tomorrow afternoon.
Bilbo: Oh, am I relieved! It will be splendid to have you. Good morning.
(He walks indoors while Gandalf’s gaze follows him.)
Gandalf: Beware.
~~~
(Inside Bag-End, a bell rings.)
Bilbo: Oh yes, Gandalf is coming for tea. Well, better get the door before he yanks the bell off…
(Bilbo walks to the front door and opens it. Standing there are Kili and Fili.)
Kili: Hi!
Fili: Hey there!
Bilbo: No, I don’t wish to buy any magazine subscriptions, thank you.
Kili: Ha ha, very amusing! I had no idea hobbits were so silly!
(Kili and Fili come in.)
Kili: Where is everybody?
Fili: They’ll probably come in twos and threes. That’s what we always do.
Bilbo: Who—who are you?
Fili: We’re the comic relief. Gimli was too young to come.
Kili: We may be able to stick him in somewhere…
Galadriel (v.o.): No! He’s not in the book!
Kili: Oh yeah. Hey, food!
(Fili and Kili run into the kitchen.)
(There is a knock.)
Bilbo: Well, that must be two more.
(Bilbo opens the door. Gandalf stands there.)
Bilbo: Oh Gandalf! So you’ve come for tea! Come in, come in! Mind the chandelier now! It’s a bit low for you. Ah, so those two dwarves were just a coincidence. There weren’t actually more coming…
(Gandalf steps aside, revealing eleven dwarves.)
Bilbo: Oh.
(Around Bibo’s dining room table, the dwarves talk amongst themselves. Thorin stands on the table and the dwarves stop their chatter.)
Thorin: Bilbo Baggins, it is time you understood what we speak of here. Long ago, I lived in the Lonely Mountain. It was attacked. Very few survived. Left behind was treasure of an unimaginable size. I intend to recover it from the dragon Smaug and use it to aid my people and rebuild my kingdom. I have no desire for such riches – I do it for justice, and for my people.
Dori: Well said, Thorin!
Nori: Beautiful!
Ori: Very nice.
Thorin: And now I come to you, Mr. Bilbo Baggins, and ask for aid. I know that I have no right to ask this of you, as this journey could take your life. As a dwarf in need, I ask you to help me rebuild the dwarven kingdom.
Dori: How tragic.
Nori: Inspiring!
Ori: Very humble.
Thorin: What say you, Mr. Bilbo Baggins?
(Bilbo stops and considers this for a while.)
Bilbo: Well…yes, I suppose I could do my best.
Dori: How brave!
Nori: Devoted!
Ori: Self-sacrificing!
Thorin: You have my deepest thanks. Our company is now assembled. We march at first light.
Kili and Fili: Hooray!
Dori, Nori, and Ori: Very good!
Oin and Gloin: Finally!
Balin and Dwalin: All right.
Bifur, Bofur: Yes!
Bombur: Exercise is good for your heart and overall health.
Gandalf: It’s about time.
(Gandalf and the dwarves trudge off to bed. Thorin smiles at Bilbo and follows.)
~~~
(Bilbo and the dwarves ride through a forest.)
Bilbo: Can’t we stop for a spell?
Thorin: We must press on – we cannot rest safely here. Courage friends!
Dori: Oh yes!
Nori: Courage!
Ori: How inspiring.
Bilbo: (muttering) How much longer! We are getting far too thin – even old Bombur!
Bombur: Oh no, this is a great weight loss program! I’m loving it!
Balin: Shut up.
Fili: I’m hungry.
Kili: Why couldn’t we have stopped at Bree for a pint?
Balin: Can it, will ya?
Fili: Can we help it if we’re comic relief?
Kili: It’s our lot in life.
Bifur: Thorin, I think it might be best if we did something. Everyone is dreadfully uncomfortable.
Thorin: It is against my best judgment, but I do see that it is necessary.
Oin: Oh my gosh look!!!
(They all look at him.)
Oin: It’s…a light!
Bofur: Now you’re seeing lights, are you?
Oin: Come *on* Bofur…
Bifur: No – it really is a light!
Balin: So? It’s a light. There are such things as stars in the world…
Gloin: It’s a fire-light!
Dwalin: With three great boulders surrounding it!
Thorin: Those aren’t boulders.
(There are three large trolls sit around a fire eating roast mutton.)
Thorin: We must go around.
Bofur: Hey, wait a second. They have food. We don’t.
Fili: Yeah!
Bofur: Why not get some of that food for ourselves? After all, we’ve got a burglar with us.
(They all look at Bilbo.)
Thorin: No. It is too dangerous.
Balin: Of course. What hobbit would wish to risk his life in such an obviously deadly fashion just to satisfy the whims of a few starving dwarves?
Bofur: Shut up.
Bilbo: Give me your rope.
Bofur: What?
Bilbo: I have a plan.
~~~
(Bilbo stands high in a tree overlooking the trolls. He rubs some chalk on his hands, ties a rope to a branch and the other end around his waist, pulls out a mirror and arranges his hair. He then slowly lowers himself down behind one of the trolls.)
Bert: And then she said “you’re just a big ogre!” And I said “Why thankee ma’am! My mother would be proud!
(The trolls laugh.)
Bill: I saw an elf-girl walking through the woods the other day. Mighty fine specimen, that one.
Tom: You slow-coach couldn’t catch her?
Bill: She slipped away while I was a-looking.
Bert: Ye always have yer head in the clouds.
Bill: Yeah, well yer a booby!
(Bilbo reaches the ground, unties the rope, and sneaks toward the fire and cooking meat, staying low out of the troll’s sight.)
Tom: Will yeh shut yer mouths? Remember what mum would say.
Bert: A lot ‘o good it did dad.
Tom: Yeah, well, I’m in charge now, so what I say goes.
Bill: Who decided that?
(Bilbo reaches the fire and carefully picks up a roast. Without looking, Bert reaches down and grabs the other end of the roast, lifting it toward his mouth. Bilbo struggles and lets out a high pitch scream. Bert stops.)
Bert: Did yeh hear that?
Bill: Maybe it’s that elf-girl.
Tom: Yer hearing things.
Bilbo: Wait! Please!
(Bert looks down at his food.)
Bert: What’s this?
Bilbo: I’m absolutely no one. I’m not traveling with any dwarves either. Just put me on the ground and I’ll never bother you again.
Bert: Dwarves say you?
Bilbo: No! No dwarves! Just one hungry hobbit! I was hoping I might borrow a bite…
Bert: Oh, well in that case–
Bill: Bert you fool! He means to steal it!
Bert: Oh, well that’s not very nice…
Bilbo: I’m so terribly sorry! I’ll just be on my way…
Kili (o.s.): BILBO’S GONNA BE DINNER!
Tom: What’s that? There are others!
Bill: Let’s get ’em!
Bert: Forget this scrawny one!
(He throws Bilbo off to the side.)
Bilbo: How rude.
(The trolls go off into the forest.)
Bill: Here’s one!
Tom: And another three!
Bofur: BILBO YOU—!!!
Bilbo: Oh dear.
~~~
(Thirteen bags sit by the fire, each with a pair of legs sticking out. The trolls sit around them.)
Tom: Let’s roast um!
Bill: Toast um!
Bert: Stick um in to brew!
Bilbo: Oh, what will I do! I wish Gandalf was here!
Tom: No use brewing ‘em, it’ll take all night!
Bert: Ah, come on. They’re best brewed.
Bill: What about smoking ‘em?
Tom: Now that sounds like a treat!
Bert: I’ll build up the fire.
Bill: But smoking them will call too much attention to our camp!
Tom: Now didn’t you just say we ought to smoke ‘em?
Bill: Now what makes you think I was suggestin’—
Bert: You did so and I heard it!
Bilbo: (to himself) What is going on?
Bill: I did nothin’ o’ the sort!
Tom: You did too!
Bill: Did not!
Bert: Did so!
Voice: (echoing) Adaneth amar, no gond!
Trolls: Ahhhh!
(The trolls stop moving. Bilbo steps out into the clearing.)
Bilbo: What was that?
(A light appears behind a troll and seems to glide to meet Bilbo. A slender figure emerges – and elf with long blond hair and tan skin. Bilbo is taken aback.)
Bilbo: My lady!
Meniel: I have not seen your kind before.
Bilbo: I am Mr. Bilbo Baggins.
Meniel: You speak a strange tongue.
Bilbo: Who are you?
Meniel: My name is Meniel, maiden of the road. I have watched these trolls for many weeks. They have been terrorizing the surrounding villages. My opportunity to defeat them has come. The people are safe, for now.
Bilbo: I thank you for your help.
Meniel: (nodding) Now we must untie your companions.
Balin (o.s.): GET ME OUT OF HERE!
(Bilbo and Meniel untie the dwarves, who bow to Meniel and growl at Bilbo. Thorin walks up to Meniel and bows. She hands Thorin and Bilbo swords. Gandalf walks up and speaks with the group, after a few scowls. Meniel gestures to the company and they follow her.)
~~~
(The company, guided by Meniel, walk through trees and around cliffs. The elf stops, causing a few dwarves to bump into each other.)
Meniel: Rivendell is just behind this cliff, but here we must part.
Thorin: (bowing) I have never met someone so fair and righteous.
Dwalin: Thanks for getting us out of that jam!
Kili: Jam – literally!
Bilbo: Farewell, my lady.
Meniel: Farewell, burglar.
(She goes around behind them and disappears into the trees. The company stares after her.)
Fili (o.s.): Look!
(The company proceeds along the cliff and suddenly it opens up to a valley with a house at the bottom. A song rises up to meet them.)
Gandalf: Rivendell.
(The company makes their way down noisily. Elves come to meet them.)
Figwit: Can’t you be a little quieter?
Glorfindel: Dark times are no times for such disturbances.
Gandalf: They are right. We must be quieter.
Gloin: (muttering) What ever happened to the happy elves?
(Glorfindel turns to him.)
Glorfindel: We got rid of them in the 2nd age.
(They walk over a bridge.)
Gandalf: We must speak with Master Elrond.
Fili: Yeah, take us to your leader!
Thorin: We are most thankful for your help, my good elves.
Dori: Oh yes.
Nori: So thankful!
Ori: WHOA!
(Ori trips and falls off the bridge. The company looks down after him.)
Figwit: Stupid dwarves.

~~~