[Section 5 by vanyar]
(cut to Mirkwood)

Bilbo: So…we’re still wandering aimlessly through the woods, huh?

Kili: Wow! A burglar, tree climber, and an observationalist. We’re really getting our money’s worth here.

Fili: We’re not paying him… he volunteered!

Bilbo: Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Oin: Hey… there’s those elves again!

(everybody runs towards the elvish firelight)

Legolas: So then I said to Ol’ Rondy “How DO you get your eyebrows to stay like that?”

Elf: Oh no you DIDN’T!!!! What’d he say?

Legolas: Ohmygosh!!! He turned like, 5 shades of red and then (hears approaching footsteps) Aw, fussbucket! I think those things followed us!!! Sorry guys, must be my new strawberry scented shampoo….

(Bilbo and company reach the elven camp)

Elf: EWWWW!!!! Put a hat on or something….seriously! Look at that one (points at Bilbo) He smells like Dave’s warg’s droppings…

Bilbo: Now see here! I just slayed a horde of annoying spiders that were about to attack your camp before you scampered off with our leader, so you owe me your allegiance!!!

Legolas: (smiles) No… we owe you, a lifetime of imprisonment! (snaps fingers) Grab them guys!

Bilbo: Ring time! (slips ring on and scurries to the edge of the camp)

(The elves round up all the dwarves and tie them up together)

Legolas: Those spiders were my brother’s pets! He trained them to say “Ha ha!” and everything. You guys are in soooo much trouble!!!!

Gloin: You know really, it was just Bilbo that killed them. We were all fixing to be eaten by them…so…you know, you could let US go and take Bilbo to your prison.

Legolas: You make a good point there… hey! Where is that little smelly one?

Elf: I thought I saw him standing by the sleepy one there…

Legolas: Ah, well… looks like you’re getting imprisoned after all, no Bilbo… no bartering.

(Cut to Thranduil’s Throne Room)

Legolas: But Daddy… they keep ruining our picnic!!!

Thranduil: I’m not going to imprison them for life because they ruined your picnic. Now where’s the one that slew Dave’s spiders??

Oin: He ran off before they could catch him, your majesty.

Thranduil: You speak when spoken to!!!! For that, you will be imprisoned!!!

Legolas: Yesss!!! (pumps fists)

Oin: Aw nuts…

Gloin: But just him… right, not all of us? Cuz, earlier you were talking about all of us… but we didn’t all speak, just him.

Thranduil: And now you’ll be joining him!! Anyone else? We already have three puffed up little dwarves in our dungeon… plenty of room for you others.

Kili: Three? But you just have Oin and Gloin….

Thranduil: And now you….

Fili: Thorin! He has Thorin you idiot….

Kili: Oh, I’m the idiot….you just got yourself thrown in prison… idiot.

Thranduil: Oh I’m bored with this already. You’re all going in on account of you all look the same to me, so I can’t tell the guards which ones to imprison and which ones to let go. (snaps fingers. Guards enter the room) Take them all to their little friend. Maybe you can all teach each other some manners while you’re down there.

Bombur: What’s wrong with our manners? He addressed you as your majesty…

Thranduil: You spoke out of turn. And your little leader down there dared to call my son Legolas a nancy-elf. That’s only okay when I say it.

Legolas: At least I don’t have creepy, over-sized, talking spiders as pets….

Thranduil: Yes, that’s right. Both of my sons are disappointments to me…. Why don’t you go re-braid your hair or something…

Legolas: (pouts) Mom always braided my hair for me… You know that! YOU KNOW THAT!!!!! (runs off crying)

(Cut to dungeon)

Thorin: So all of you knuckleheads got thrown in here too, huh? That’s just great! SO glad I handpicked you lot to come with me.

Fili: Anytime!!!

Kili: (whispers) I don’t think he meant that… idiot…

Gloin: They caught all of us except Bilbo. Poor guy’s probably rambling through the woods right now. Going ’round in circles more than likely.

Bilbo: (pulls off ring) Or I could be right here!

Thorin: Bless my beard! How did you do that??? No, no don’t tell me. You have an invisible cloak, right!

Galadriel: (v.o) Wrong movie! Wrong genre even….really?

Thorin: Hey, it was a guess….jeez…Anyway, since you’re on that side of the bars, howsbout you break us out of here! Like…now!

Bilbo: How?

Thorin: You’re a burglar, aren’t you???? Pick the bleedin’ lock! Sheesh…

Bilbo: Well…ummm…That is…you see…ummm

Thorin: What???

Bilbo: Ummmm…..I’ve never burgled….persay….ummm..

Thorin: But…you ARE a burglar…right? I mean, I ran my whole crazy quest past Gandalf, and he was like “Oh you need a burglar, I know just the guy” and brought us to your oddly shaped house and here we are… and you have no idea how to pick a bleedin’ lock????

Bilbo: I stole a pie out of kitchen window once….

Thorin: Humphf.

Bilbo: And I stole this! (holds up ring)

Bombur: I’d say he’s adept at stealing…just not breaking inning. Why don’t you steal the key that opens this lock…then you’ll have burgled,
and saved us…thus proving your worth.

Bilbo: Again.

Bombur: What’s that?

Bilbo: Proving my worth again. So far I’ve alerted you when those orcs attacked, slayed those spiders, and-

Oin: And gotten us thrown into jail!!! C’mon and get those keys already… I can’t rot in this cell any longer…it’s changing me already.

Gloin: How is it changing you? We’ve only been in here an hour?

Oin: Nobody talks to Big O like dat!!! Best check yo’ self!!!

Gloin: Oookayyyy…Bilbo, if you would….

Bilbo: Yeah…that’s just weird…I’ll go uh, find those keys…

(Bilbo slips on ring and walks around to the dungeon entrance.)

Drunken Elf: Watch the dwarves Memrial. Wash Dave’s pet warg Memrial. Pick shtrawberries for Legolas’s shampoo Memrial. Boy I wish I could give that Thranduil a piece of my mind. Your eldesht is a nancy-elf, your youngest ish a creep, and you’re a temperamental nutcase,
Shir! (drunkenly salutes a poster of King Thranduil hanging on wall)

(Another elf enters)

Elf: Memrial!!! You’re drunk at your post again! You better hope Thranduil doesn’t find out!!!

Memrial: AW, he ain’t sho tuff…well he ish…but…heh heh heh haaaaaaaaaa!!!! (almost falls off stool)

Elf: Good grief man! How many flasks of his wine have you drunk this time?

Memrial: Oh I dunno….almost emptied out the last of thish barrel ‘ere….so…that much! Ha ha ha!

Elf: That’s the LAST barrel…good thing we’re sending a barge of empties down tonight. Lonely Mountain Winery are making a fortune off you. Just…sleep it off. Thranduil wants you to rub his feet until he falls asleep again tonight…

Memrial: Aw man…. why did I pipe up when he ashked for a massuege…a masszooo…a-a what was I saying again?

Elf: Take a nap. Seriously!!! (trudges off shaking his head.)

(Memrial passes out. Bilbo sneaks up to Memrial and slips the keys off his belt loop)

(Cut to prison cell)

Bilbo: I prove my worth again…and again! Not only am I burgling you out of jail, but… they’re sending a bunch of barrels to a place called Lonely Mountain Winery for a refill tonight!!!

Thorin: Good for them?

Bilbo: You dwarves are so thick!!! We can hop in the barrels, wait it out and Bob’s your uncle, we’re there!!!

Bofur: What about my Uncle Bob???

Thorin: Say…that’s a pretty good plan!

Bofur: So, we’re waiting my my Uncle Bob to bring us barrels? Huh???

Kili: Wow…dude…wow….you’re dumb. So how are we supposed to hop the barrels all the way to the lonely mountain? Wouldn’t it be faster to get on top and roll them?

Fili: Now you’re the one that’s dumb! It’d be faster and wayyyy more fun to be IN them and roll them!

Thorin: OH MY GOSH!!!! If you weren’t my sister’s kids, I swear… Let’s just go find the barrels, Bilbo. We’ll find a way to explain your plan to these idiots along the way.

Bofur: So my Uncle’s rolling us in barrels? I’m so confused guys….

———————-
[Section six by……ME! Aka; Indi.]

(Cut to cellar)

Bilbo: Now each of you get in a barrel, I will dump a couple handfulls of straw on each of you, forget about myself and—

Galadriel(V.O.): Bilbo, you’re not supposed to know that yet.

Bilbo: Right, so ah, yes, well all of you get in barrels and I’ll do the rest, sound good?

Thorin: None of these barrels are padded.

Bilbo: I know, cuz they’re supposed to hold wine and apples.

Fili: We are not wine and apples!

Gloin: Yes, instead you whine about apples.

Bilbo: Hurry up, guys, we don’t have forever.

*After a great lot of hassle, complaining and the like, all the dwarves are finally in their barrels*

Bilbo: *as he puts the lids on* Sorry, guys, but they don’t seem to keep barf bags around here.

Oin: And what’s that supposed to mean?!?!?

Bilbo: *snaps his lid on* Oh, nothing. I just hope you like roller coasters.

*Bilbo suddenly hears elves coming down the into the cellar and slips his ring on.*

Elf#1: Elf#2, I don’t care how drunk you are, will you stop singing dwarven drinking songs!

Elf#2: Awww, come on Elf#1, you don’t like to have any fun, do you?

Elf#1: Be quiet and help me get these barrels into the river.

Elf#2: These are awful heavy. I thought we were supposed to send empty ones back.

Elf#1: *shrugs* I don’t know, and I don’t care. *rolls Thorin’s barrel over to trap door.*

Barrel: Mutter, groan, curse.

Elf#2: Elf#1, did your barrel just say something?

Elf#1: No, that was probably just your stomach.

Bilbo: *squeak* I don’t have my own barrel!

Elf#1: Elf#2, be quiet, there are plenty of barrels here.

Elf#2: I didn’t say anything!

Elf#1: Yes, you did, you just said ‘I don’t have my own barrel!’

Elf#2: Did not!

Elf#1: Did too!

*Meanwhile Bilbo dives down the trapdoor and grabs hold of Kili’s barrel. His weigh causes it to start rolling over. Bilbo tries to climb on top of it which only makes it spin faster*

Barrel: *very muffled* Stop it or I’m gonna be sick!

Bilbo: Talking barrels! What do barrels have to talk about besides—

Galadriel (v.o.): Wrong movie Bilbo.

Bilbo: Aww, stink, I just want to have a little fun!

Galadriel(v.o.): Do not talk back to the voice over.

———————————————-
[Section 6.1 by vanyar the procrastinant]

Cut to montage of barrels floating downstream with an incredibly cheesy song playing (possibly by Randy Newman?)
Barrels land on rock formation outside Laketown.

Bilbo: Ober thab being halb frozen thad wabinn so bad. *opens up the dwarves’ barrels and helps everyone out. The dwarves the rub the stiffness out of their legs and arms*

Thorin: That was the WORST idea you’ve had yet, burglar! I’ve half a mind to pack you into one of these barrels and let you float over this waterfall!

Bilbo: I gob you oudda elf pridon dibinn I?

Bifor: Why are you talking funny?

Bilbo: Cus while you were all pabbed safely in your barrels I was in the freebing waber, and therebore hab a horrible headcold. Thab you very buch!

Thorin: Well, what do we do now? Head to Laketown or to the mountain?

Bombur: Oh let’s just get to the mountain! I wish this quest was over already. I want my nice warm bed, and nice warm food.

Bilbo: Perhabs thid would be a good tibe to poind oud dab we hab no food, or dry clobes, or any means do defend ourselbes from da dragon…

Kili: Sickboy has a point there!

Bilbo: Hey…. thabs nod nice!

Fili: I vote for Laketown!

Thorin: *glares at Fili* This isn’t a democracy!*mutters* But I say we go to Laketown.

*Fili smirks*

The Company walks into Laketown.

Villagers: Was that a large company of dwarves?

Tiny Girl: Was one of them hairless? I think it was a baby dwarf! I want to keep it!!! Can I Daddy? Can I keep it?

Girl’s Father: No! I don’t think that thing WAS a dwarf, and whatever it is… it looks disgusting.

Bilbo:*glares* I’m a hobbid thag you! I usually lood mub bedder than dis! I hab a cold!

Little girl: Awww the lil baby dwarf is sicky! Daddy can I nurse it back to health? Pretty please!!!! *hops up snd down impatiently*

Girl’s Father: Oh, alright. But we’re not keeping this “hobbid” thing! Once it’s better it’s gone! *girl pouts* I mean it!

Bilbo: I dond like the sounds of this… *turns to dwarves, who’ve been whisked away by excited townspeople* Guys? Hey! Dwarbes! Oh criminy…

Little Girl: Don’t worry baby dwarf, Lil Suzy’s gonna make you all better. *smiles evilly*

Bilbo: Thab you, bud dabs nob necessary! *tries to back away, but the evil tyke pounces before he can escape*

Suzy: I’ll call you Todd3.

Bilbo: I dond wand do know whad happened do Dodd 1 and 2, do I?

Suzy: *sniffles* Daddy says I loved them too much. I hugged Todd 2 so hard one day his whole head popped off! *smiles*

Bilbo: *screams frantically* Dwarbes!!! Helb me!!!!

~Several weeks later~

Thorin: Gee, it sure was nice of the Master of Laketown to lend us all these suppplies snd whatnot. Hope he doesn’t expect any of our gold for it.

Master of Laketown: Godspeed dwarven masters! May your mission be prosperous! *mutters to himself* Like I will be when I get my share of your gold!

Thorin: *glares* What was that?

MoL: Oh I said “good luck”. *does cheesy used car salesmen type smile*

Thorin: Humphf! Better be all you said. Where’s Bilbo? I haven’t seen the lil pipsqueak in weeks!

Bilbo: Here I am!

*camera pans around to show Bilbo wearing a curly blonde wig, pink poofy dress, and a matching pink purse*

Dwarves: Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!

Bilbo: Shut it! Just shut it! You have NO idea what I’ve been through….

Suzy: *singsong voice* Oh To-od!!!

Bilbo: NOooooo!!!! Todd’s not here anymore!!!! *rips off wig and dress, throws down purse, and runs screaming towards the mountain*

Bombur: What was THAT all about?

Thorin: Don’t know, but we better go catch him before he rouses the dragon with all that noise. Peace out Laketown!

~cut to mountain side~

Oin: We’ve been here almost a week! When are they gonna figure out how to open the door?

Gloin: Soon I hope, this is boring.

Kili: I spy with my little eye something… Blue!

Fili: Thorin’s hat!

Kili: Yes! How’d you know?

Fili: You keep using it!

Thorin: Would you all pipe down before I throw you over the mountainside!!!

Bilbo: Let’s look at the map again!

Thorin: * glares* We’ve looked at it 37 times now! It’s written in moon letters!

Bombur: Oh, hey! Try this, guys! It’s a moon letter decoder ring. Got it in a box of cereal in Laketown.

Thorin: And you just NOW thought to offer it to us?!? *mutters* Its my brother’s son, I can’t kill ‘em. I want to kill’em….ohhhh do I ever!!!! But I can’t. Nope. I can’t.

Bombur: Ummm… Who ya talkin’ to there, Chief?

Thorin: *snatches decoder ring* No-one! Now then, according to this, the door will open tonight at sundown!

Kili: So we could have stayed in Laketown another week?

Bilbo: NOOOOO!!!!!! *clears throat* I mean, we imposed on the good people of Laketown long enough I think….

Fili: I agree…. TODD!!!! Bwahahaha!!!

Bilbo: Laugh it up strangely unhairy dwarf-face!!! I saw true horrors!!! Unimaginable foulness!!!! Things that would make your nonexistent beard turn grey!!!!

Bifur: Hey look at that, the sun’s going down!

~sun sets. A red ray of light hits the rock wall behind the company, magically revealing a tiny door~

Thorin: Well, it’s go time! Get in there Bilbo, and don’t come back without some kind of treasure.

Bilbo: Wait, you guys are coming too, right?

Thorin: Uh, no! If we were gonna go in there we wouldn’t have hired a burglar, now would we?

Bilbo: Right… Just seems like we should do it together after all we’ve been through.

Fili: Oh stop stalling, Todd! *grabs Bilbo and pushes him through the door*

Bilbo: STOP CALLING ME TODD!!!!

Thorin: Errr, you might wanna keep your voice down, what with the dragon waiting at the end of the tunnel and all…

Bilbo: Meep!

[ Section 6.2 also by vanyar]

~Bilbo slowly creeps down the tunnel wearing the ring. At the other end is a vague red glow~

Bilbo: Man, I hope the dragon’s fast asleep! * peeps in around the tunnel door* Yesss! *pumps fist* He is!

~ Bilbo tiptoes around and checks out the treasure, keeping an eye on the great big dragon~

Bilbo: Ohh, pretty cup! Thorin would like that. *snatches cup. Smaug’s breathing changes.* And that’s my cue to leave!

[ cut to the company in the tunnel]

Thorin: You did excellent!

[cut to Smaug]

Smaug: 345,673,241 coins of gold, 567,832,526 coins of silver, 15 axes, 6 suits of armour, 10 bows, 3 harps, that one super shiny gem, and 23 shiny cups…. wait, that’s only 22 shiny cups!!!! SOMEONE STOLE MY CUP!!!! *very fierce and impressive dragon growl. Much fire and ash and burning-ness*

[cut back to tunnel]

Thorin: Way to go pipsqueak! You angered the dragon!

Bilbo: I thought I did excellent…some thanks I get!

~ Next day~

Bilbo: Well the old worm seems to have calmed down, I’m gonna go check things out.

Thorin: Don’t take anything else… he might smash through that door and roast us all!

Bilbo: Meep!

*Bilbo once again tiptoes down and peeps around the door, only to find Smaug sleeping with one eye opened on the doorway*

Bilbo: Oh that’s creepy!

Smaug: Who dares to creep into my treasure horde and steal my pretty shiny cup and have the audacity to call me “creepy”?

Bilbo: *mutters to self* What was that Granddad always said, ” Only a fool gives a dragon a straight answer”? *aloud* I am known by many names, oh great and powerful Smaug! I am burglar, I am spider slayer, I am barrel rider. Some call me *hesitates* T-Todd.

Smaug: Todd, eh? That’s an odd name for a dwarf. Wait- *sniffs* No. You travel with dwarves, rather smelly ones at that, but you, sir, are no dwarf! Ewwwww!!! You smell weird!!!! I’m getting a slight singed-foothair scent here, umm, really sweaty armpits, and a hint of moldy bread. * gags* Okay, seriously, I don’t even wanna eat you… Just run away from me before I barf. It’s called “soap”, learn how to use it.

Bilbo: Well I never! *storms back up tunnel*

Thorin: Well?

Bilbo: He was awake, and very rude! He said I smelled so bad he was gonna barf!

Bofur: *sniffs Bilbo* Whew- weee!!! He might have a point!

*Bilbo glares*

Bifur: So what now?

Bilbo: I dunno…

[cut to Smaug]

Smaug: A barrel-rider named Todd… must be from that town on the lake. I’ll smash the end of that tunnel, then burn the town down! That’ll teach them to send stinky thieves down here!

[cut to tunnel. Large amounts of shaking and quaking is going on outside the door.]

Bilbo: Maybe we should go farther in… he seems angry…

Thorin: Agreed.

Smaug: *bellows from outside* Lather, Rinse, and Repeat!!!!

Bilbo: Now that’s just hurtful.

[cut to Laketown]

Random Townsperson: Oh! Look at the pretty gold colors coming this way!

Grim guy: It’s the dragon.

Townsperson: Right, and the fish we caught was poisoned. Get real, Bard.

Bard: You caught that fish using Smella Stella’s old pantyhose as a net! [camera pans to a comically large woman with a cigarette and a five-o’clock shadow] I’ll say it again, that fish was poisoned, and that pretty gold coming at us is the dragon!

~ Smaug gets closer~

Townspeople: It IS the dragon!!!! Mayday!!!

~ Frantic antics ensue. Buckets of water are sloshed everywhere. Women and children are sent off into boats. Lil Suzy can be seen strangling a bunny from hugging it too tight. Archers are stationed and ready to fight. Smaug swoops in.~

Smaug: Behold! Your mighty doom, cup stealers!

Townsmen: Wha-???

~Smaug breathes spumes of fire everywhere. It’s really quite pretty if you weren’t burnt by it and frightend for your life. One of the times the giant worm swoops by Bard notices a patch of skin unprotected by gems and coins. He takes aim and-~

Bilbo v-o: Umm… Wasn’t I suppose to notice that? And then the thrush tells him…

~ As I was saying-~

Bilbo v-o: I’m just saying. It’s a missed opportunity. When someone asks “How’d you know to aim there” he could say ” A little bird told me”, it could be a catchphrase. Think merchandising!

Master of Laketown v-o: He has a point you know. I could help for a cut of the profits…

~AS I WAS SAYING…. Bard looses his arrow, killing the dread dragon… Which lands on top of Laketown, and particularly smashes the Master of Laketown’s house~

MoL: Now was that really necessary?

~ yes.~

[ cut to the tunnel, days later]

Fili: It’s been awfully quiet for a long time now. Why don’t you check it out, Bilbo.

Bilbo: Only if you guys go too! I’m tired of being the only one risking their necks around here.

~Dwarves grumble down the tunnel after Bilbo~

Bombur: You go ahead and see if it’s safe. Give the “all clear” and we’ll be right behind ya!

Thorin: Yeah! Right behind ya!

Bilbo: Oh, very well. *sneaks in. There’s no sign of Smaug. Bilbo stumbles over a large, shiny gem* OoOoh… VERY pretty. *sticks gem in pocket* All’s clear!!! Bring some torches!

~Dwarves come into the chamber sporting torches. They generally “ooh” and “aah” over their lost treasure, and stuff their pockets with as much gold as their pants and belts can manage. Thorin gives Bilbo a familiar looking silver shiny mailshirt.~

Bilbo: How the thunder are we gonna get all this out of here? There’s no way I can bring my share home with me. I’ll be robbed before Mirkwood!

Thorin: Dunno.

Bifur: Shouldn’t we take inventory first? We don’t even know what all we have here.

Thorin: Right, everyone start looking for the Arkenstone. It’s more precious than anything else in here.

Bilbo: What’s it look like?

Thorin: Its a really big, shiny gem. You can’t miss it!

Bilbo: Oh, okay. *thinks to self* Better not mention it’s in my pocket. Things might get ugly.

Kili: Is that sunlight over there? I wanna see the outside!!! *runs outside*

Thorin: No! Look for the gem! It’s worth a thousand suns!

Oin: Sorry dude, we were in that tunnel for days. I’m going outside too!

Thorin: Oh, fine! *pouts*

~The Company heads outside~

Bilbo: Hey look! It’s the thrush I was supposed to tell how to kill the dragon to!

Thorin: What?

Bilbo: Oh nothing….

Thrush: * chirp sounds.*

Thorin: Too bad that’s not a raven. My ancestors could talk to them..

~thrush flies off~

Gloin: Aw, you insulted it!

~ thrush flies back with an old nasty looking raven~

Raven: This thrush has been trying to tell you Smaug is dead, and parties of elves and men are coming to take your gold.

Thorin: Over my dead body!

Raven: Possibly.

Thorin: I’ll give you this shiny necklace if you’ll send messengers to my cousin Dain in the Iron Mountains.

Raven: Deal.

[cut to advancing army]

Bard: What if the dwarves aren’t dead?

Thranduil: Highly improbable. I wouldn’t worry about it.

[cut to dwarves. Cue working montage of them barricading the entrance and flooding the river. Obscure and really bad 80’s song plays.]

Thorin: That outta show ‘em!

[cut to elf/human army]

Thranduil: Well crabapples! You were right, they obviously survived.

Bard: Why does everyone constantly doubt me? Seriously!

Thorin: Go away! This is my gold!

Bard: If I hadn’t killed the dragon you couldn’t claim your gold. Don’t I get some recompense for that? Not to mention the dragon completely destroyed Laketown, who helped supply your little expedition… Won’t you give anything to them to help rebuild Laketown?

Thorin: No! It’s my gold! MINE!!! And keep that crazy elf and his nancy son away from me!

Thranduil: Again, that’s only okay when I say it…*glares*

Bard: We’ll be back later, maybe then you’ll be more reasonable.

Bilbo: You know, he made a good point. You should give them something for all their trouble. A little something wouldn’t break you.

Thorin: NO! It’s MINE!!!

Bilbo: Sheesh, okay!

~ The old raven flies in, crash landing on a pile of gold, sending a noisy avalanche to the floor~

Raven: Err, got a hold of Dain. He’ll be here in about a week.

Thorin: Excellent!

[several days later]

Thorin: I can NOT believe we still haven’t found the Arkenstone. I swear if I find out one of you has it, I’ll stab your face off!

Bilbo: Let’s just keep looking…* to self* Definitely do NOT mention it’s in your pocket!

~ trumpets sound from outside~

Thorin: Great braided beards! Would those clowns give it a rest! Dain will be here any day now, there’s noooo way I’m striking a deal now!

Bard: Thorin? I know you heard the trumpets! K? Just come out and talk!

Thorin: No! I don’t wanna! The gold’s mine!!!

[cut to that night. Bilbo puts on the ring, sneaks out of the cave, and into the army’s camp.]

Bilbo: Psst! Bard!

Bard: Who the devil?!?

Bilbo: It’s Bilbo. *takes off ring*

Bard: How did you do that! That’s not a decoder ring, is it?

Bilbo: Nevermind my ring. Show this to Thorin and he’ll give you however much gold you want! * pulls out Arkenstone*

Bard: Ooh!!! Pretty!!! Why are you doing this?

Bilbo: Cuz Thorin has an army of dwarven relatives on the way and I don’t want anyone to get hurt. And cuz if he finds it on me he’ll stab my face off…

Bard: Wow.

Bilbo: Yeah, things got ugly fast in there…

Bard: Well thanks!

Bilbo: Don’t mention it…. For real… Do NOT mention it!

Gandalf: Well played, Bilbo!

Bilbo: Gandalf? Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe?

Gandalf: *gives Bilbo weird look* Can’t tell you. You’ll find out soon enough.

Bilbo: Have I ever told you how annoying it is when you know something and you don’t share it till the last possible second. Usually in some grand speech.

Gandalf: Nope.

Bilbo: You’re annoying.

~Bilbo returns to dwarves. The next day Bard uses the Arkenstone to barter with Thorin. Thorin agrees to deal, but crosses fingers behind his back. When he finds out Bilbo gave them the precious gem he blackens poor Bilbo’s eye, which is much better than having one’s face stabbed off. Bilbo joins the elf/ human army. Dain’s army of dwarves approaches.~

Dain: Who are you and what business do have with my cousin?

Bard: I killed the dragon, and I represent the people of Laketown, which was destroyed by said dragon after your cousin roused its wrath. I simply seek a fair payment for our troubles.

Dain: Sounds reasonsble enough. What about you, Elf-boy?

Thranduil: *glares* I come to see to it that your cousin does right by the people of Laketown. And I seek repayment as well.

Dain: Repayment for what? Didn’t you imprison them?

Thranduil: Umm…. barrel usage fee?

Bard: It doesn’t matter. We used the Arkenstone to get a good deal from him finally. We’re just waiting for him to get our money gathered.

Dain: You have the Arkenstone?

Bard: Yeah. It was the only way we get get him to agree to anything.

Dain: See now, I was okay with you until you mentioned that. Now I gotta stab your face off. Sorry! * draws out sword*

Gandalf: Hark! The birds! They bring ill tidings! An army of goblins and wargs is nearly upon us! We fight a common enemy, let us quarrel over forgotten treasures no longer!

Bilbo: Does anyone else find that annoying? Anyone?

~The three armies prepare for battle. The goblins come, many riding wargs. An epic battle sequence unfolds. Sadly, Prince David’s pet warg is mistakenly killed in battle. Alongside Fili and Kili who die trying to protect Thorin, who led the company into the fray after he realized there was one. Thorin was fatally wounded. The eagles swooped in and clawed many goblins to pieces, and Beorn charged in and basically won the fight. Just sayin’. He also carried Thorin off the battlefield in the middle of his amazing were-bear fight scenes. Bilbo was accidentally knocked unconscieous whilst shrilly screaming ”Eagles!” He woke up the next day.~

Bilbo: Zowies! My head hurts! * looks around* Hey! The fighting stopped, and I don’t see any goblins. We must have won! Yesss! * pumps fist*

Man: Who’s that talking?

Bilbo: Aw man, I still have the stinkin’ ring on! * pulls ring off* It’s me, Bilbo!

Man: Are you the little guy we’ve been searching for all morning? Gandalf and those dwarves have been organizing search parties since sun-up!

Bilbo: Oh dear! They’ve been searching for me? You better take me to them.

~the man takes Bilbo to Gandalf who ushers him into a nearby tent. Inside lies Thorin, nearly dead~

[cue sad, but beautiful music as Bilbo learns his friend is dying. Camera pans around to shots of everyone crying.]

Thorin: Sorry I punched you.

Bilbo: I was just glad you decided not to stab my face off.

~ Thorin dies. Bilbo sticks around for the funeral. Bard gives Bilbo his share of the gold, but Bilbo talks him down to just a small chest of gold, and a small chest of silver.~

Bilbo: I still don’t see how we’re gonna get all this back home safely.

Bombur: I do! This one goes out to Fili and Kili…. * clears throat, then imitates a little girl’s voice* Oh To-odd!!!

Bilbo: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! * picks up a chest under each arm and runs away*

Bombur: Bwahahahaha!!!

Gandalf: *glares* I guess I better run after the fool. May you all fare well!

[camera pans up into wide shot of Gandalf riding off on a pony. Bilbo can be seen still running in the distance]

[fade to black. Cue credits]

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