What If LOTR Went Horribly Wrong?

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine

Rivendell- 11:56 PM

Arwen: A Elbereth Gilthoniel, silviren penna miriel, o menel aglar…uh, right. I forget. Sooooo…pass the FRIIIIED CHICKEN!

Aragorn: ???

Elrond: Let the girl bloat. She shall learn. In the meantime, why don’t we all listen to Bilbo sing about Earendil the mariner as Gandalf does that fireworks thingy and we all get fiercely drunk. WHO’S WITH ME!!!

Elrond’s Council- 11:30 AM

Boromir (pointing at Aragorn): Who is this man? He is smelly and dirty and gross! Ick!

Legolas: He is Aragorn son of Arathorn. I am trying to act like I know what’s going on.

Gandalf: Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg whatever, burzum-ishi krimpatul!!!!!

Elrond: My, was that the Dark Speech of Mordor, Gandalf?

Gandalf: Was it? Wow! I didn’t know I could sneeze in the Dark Speech!

Legolas: Like, EW! That is, like, sooo gross! How DARE you mention that in front of Prince Squeaky-Clean!

Moria- 3:45 PM

Pippin: Oh, look! A skeleton! I have to go make a complete fool of myself by knocking it into that hole!

Merry: OOH! Can I help?

Pippin: Get your own skeleton!

Legolas: Ai! Ai! A Balrog is come! I am acting dramatic about something that doesn’t really pose a threat to me or concern me at all! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

(The Balrog enters, holding a cane and top hat, and soft-shoes across the floor. It proceeds to jump on the bridge, which causes him to fall into a fiery pit. Gandalf follows.)

Later-

Aragorn: Hey, where’d Gandalf go?

Legolas: Don’t you remember? He fell in that pit. Frodo was screaming like a girl.

Boromir: He still is.

Frodo (20 feet away): GGGGGAAAAANNNNDDDAAAALLLLFFFF! GGGGGAAAAANNNNDDDAAAALLLLFFFF! GGGGGAAAAANNNNDDDAAAALLLLFFFF! GGGGAAA- (he realizes people are
staring) Oh. Pardon me.

Nimrodel- 9:09 AM

Legolas: Here she is, fair Nimrodel.

Aragorn: It’s a river.

Legolas: Exactly. Do you think I am stupid? Now I shall sing:
An Elven-maid there was of old,
A shining star by day,
Her mantle white was hemmed with gold,
Her hair was silver-gray.

(Boromir sniggers)

Legolas: A star was bound upon her brows,
A light was on her hair,
As sun upon the golden boughs
In Lorien the fair.

Her hair was long, and she was light,
So she so thin and long
Flew through the crisp, bright air all night
Because the wind was strong.

That is all I remember. BOROMIR! Stop laughing you little whelp!

Lorien- 10:35 AM

Galadriel: Let them in.

Celeborn: Why?

Galadriel: Because I SAID SO.

Celeborn: Okaaaaay…

The Fellowship enters-

Haldir: Welcome son of Arathorn. Welcome son of Thranduil. Welcome ugly man. Welcome short guys…

Legolas: They are not short guys. They are nobler than you shall ever be, el stupido. I am still trying to sound important.

Galadriel: GASP!

Celeborn: GASP!

Aragorn: GASP!

Haldir: GASP!

Everyone else: GGGAAASSSPPP!

Galadriel: Well then. Where is Gandalf? I am sure that 9 set out from Rivendell.

Boromir: Gandalf the Grey fell in a pit. Deal, ugly elf lady.

Galadriel: Now I know ya’ll ain’t talkin’ to me.

Boromir: Yes I am.

Galadriel: No ya’ll ain’t!

Boromir: SUPER FATTENING MCDONALDS ATTACK!

(Galadriel has a heart attack)

Celeborn: OH NO! She must have had TOO MUCH CHOLESTEROL!

Exiting Lorien- 6:08 AM

Galadriel: Ok, here’s your stuff. Legolas, here’s a bow of our peeps in Lorien.

Legolas: Okaaaaay…

Galadriel: Ya’ll got that right. Frodo, here is a really neat shiny thing.

Frodo: Yay! I like shiny!

Galadriel: Yes you do. Aragorn, here is a useless sheath that was probably forged in some great age or crap like that.

Aragorn: Riiiiight.

When all the gifts have been given…

Galadriel: Ok, ya’ll, here’s some cloaks. Me an’ my homie Gs wove them.

Party: Okaaaaay…

The End…for now.

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