At the Council of Elrond – Elrond has insulted Gandalf. Gandalf is Gaston, Frodo is Lefou and Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli are the three swooning girls. The rest of the company is the rest of the Council.

[Gandalf] Who does he think he is? That elf has tangled with the wrong wizard. No one says “my eyebrows are bigger than yours” to Gandalf!

[Frodo] Hehe! Darn right!

[Gandalf] Insulted! Disgraced! Publicly Humiliated! Why it’s more than I can bear.

[Frodo] More Lembas?

[Gandalf] What for? Nothing helps. I’m disgraced.

[Frodo] Who, you? Never! Gandalf you’ve got to pull yourself together!

Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Gandalf
Looking so down in the dumps
Every elf here’d love to be you, Gandalf
Even when taking your lumps
There’s no wizard in town as powerful as you
You’re ev’ryone’s favorite guy
Ev’ryone’s awed and inspired by you
And it’s not very hard to see why

No one’s old as Gandalf
No one’s bold as Gandalf
No one’s climbed mountains as cold as Gandalf
There’s no wizard that’s half as good a rider
Perfect, when you’re on Shadowfax
You can ask a Gimli, Legolas or Strider
And they’ll tell you who they’d prefer protecting their backs

[Whole of Council join in with Frodo]

[Council:] No one’s grey like Gandalf
Loves each day like Gandalf
[Frodo] No one cries and shouts with dismay like Gandalf
[Gandalf] As a master of spells, I’m intimidating
[Council] My what a guy, that Gandalf

Give five “hurrahs!”
Give a big “ding-ding!”
[Frodo] Gandalf is the best
And the rest want the Ring!

[Council] No one fights like Gandalf
Creates lights like Gandalf

[Gandalf lights up his staff with a grin]

[Elladan] Against a Balrog no one smites like Gandalf
[Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn swaying from side to side:] For there’s no one as scary and hairy
[Gandalf:] As you see I’ve got beards to spare
[LeFou:] Not a bit of him’s baldy or itchy
[Gaston] (That’s right!)
And ev’ry last chin’s covered with hair

[Elladan and Elrohir:] No one walks like Gandalf
[Gloin:] Talks and talks like Gandalf
[Frodo:] In a fight no one slays all the orcs like Gandalf [Frodo lunges his hand at a frightened dwarf in a stabbing action]
[Gandalf:] I’m especially good at those Firework Displays
(Boom!)
[Boromir:] Ten rockets for Gandalf!

[Gandalf:] When I stayed at Bree I smoked three barrels a day
Ev’ry morning to help me look hip!
And now that I’m here I smoke five dozen kegs
That’s more than that Merry and Pip!
[Two little puffs of smoke from the corner are quickly extinguished]
[Council:] No one has hats like Gandalf
Kills off rats like Gandalf
[Bilbo – Angry:] Then goes tromping around on my mats like Gandalf
[Gaston:] I use riddles in all of my speculating
[Council:] Say it again
Who’s a Wiz among men?
And then say it once more
Who’s got those eyebrows next door? [Gandalf cheers and stamps on his tweezers]
Who’s a super success?
Don’t you know? Can’t you guess?
Ask his elf friend and non-bathing tramp [Aragorn stands up in protest. Arwen throws him some shampoo]
There’s just one guy today who’s dressed all in grey
[Frodo:] And his name’s G-A-N- D –
G-A-N-D – A –
G-A-N-D-A – ah! [Frodo hits amazingly high note whilst standing on the table that holds the ring whilst all gaze in amazement]
[Silence falls]
[Figwit coughs]
[Council and hobbits who appear as if from nowhere:] GANDALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whole council stand up and whoop and cheer apart from Aragorn who is having a wash, and Figwit who has not said a thing all day, stands up and leaves.