How Robin Hood Destroyed the Ring of Power

otherwise known as Robin Hobbit

By Elizabeth Dunlap

Part 1: The Fellowship of Robin

Robin Hood was walking along one day and he saw a hobbit fingering a ring and whispering, “My precious.” So Robin Hood knocked him out and took the ring because he didn’t have an anniversary present for Maid Marion. He tossed the ring in his pocket and walked on. A black figure appeared near the front of the road so Robin hid in the underbrush. But the brush was the wire kind and it hurt him so he decided to sit on the road and be very still – and munch on some mushrooms. The black rider appeared not to notice him, but rode right up and dismounted. He sniffed the air several times.

“Need a kleenex?” Robin said, holding out one.

“Thag you very buch,” he said, taking it and blowing his nose. Robin watched him ride away and then he walked on, tossing out a broken carrot. He then saw a feather appear from behind a willow tree and out popped a man. He looked very wise but very troubled.

“What’s the matter?” Robin asked.

“Oh,” the man said, surprised to see Robin. “I’ve forgotten my name.”

“Pardon?” Robin asked.

“Well, you see, I’m never put into movies about Middle-Earth so I’ve forgotten my name.”

Robin smiled but he didn’t know the man’s name.

“How about giving yourself a new name.”

“Oh no, that wouldn’t do. My wife Goldberry insists on calling me some odd name, um, what was it again . . . um. . . Tom Bombadil. Yes, that’s what it is.” He continued on about how that wasn’t his name but then again, he couldn’t remember his name, so Robin decided to leave him. Robin walked until he got to a town (it was known as Bree but Robin didn’t know that). He was greeted by a gatekeeper, who strongly resembled a mole.

“Burr aye, et’n be’s a man. Oi loikes men, yes oi do!” He let Robin in the gate and went on talking about digging and such but pointed Robin in the direction of the Prancing Pony Inn. Robin arrived there after getting burped at by a man eating a carrot, (which doesn’t make you burp), and getting pushed aside on the road. He walked to the counter and was greeted by a man with bushy sideburns and a mustache.

“Good evening big master. If you’re seeking accommodations, we’ve got some nice cozy man-sized rooms available.” Robin was then bombarded by a big group of hobbits that knocked him over and trampled him.

Robin got up and brushed himself off. He thanked the innkeeper and was led to his room where he deposited his bow and arrows, pack, and a few other things. He then walked to the dining room where he sat down and ordered himself a milkshake – except they didn’t have any so he was offered a pint. He didn’t drink, but just to show that he was brave, he took it and sat down again. He pretended to drink it but actually tossed it behind him. Now there was a man who was soaking wet with Robin’s drink and was very angry. He grabbed Robin’s shirt but there were no men without their shirts off in this movie so he didn’t rip it off. He picked Robin up and tossed him into a dark corner where a strange looking man with a cloak was sitting. Everyone gasped because Robin had suddenly disappeared! But he hadn’t put on the ring, he had hid under the strange man’s cloak so the big man wouldn’t hurt him anymore. After the confusion had died down, the strange man gathered up his cloak, with Robin in it, and walked over to the part of the inn with the rooms. He slammed Robin against the wall and said,

“You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. UNDERHILL.” Robin looked puzzled.

“I’m not Mr. Underhill, the name’s Hood, Robin Hood.” Of course this name meant no sense to the man in the cloak so he just said, “Whatever Mr. Underhill,” and led Robin up to his room.

The next day the strange man, (who Robin found out was called Strider), led Robin into the wild along with three of the hobbits that had run over Robin (they had tagged along with Robin because they liked him). Strider led them up to the great watchtower of Amon Sûl and tossed swords at them.

After a while, a few more of the black riders, who need kleenexes, rode up and surrounded Robin and the three hobbits. After throwing aside the hobbits, they surrounded Robin.

“Give us the one ring! We’ll take you to Mordor!” said a big tall rider.

“I don’t have the one ring, just a gift for my wife.” Robin said, pulling out the ring and showing it to them.

“Oh, my bad,” the rider said, and then he led all of the black riders away – each one saying to Robin how sorry they were for bothering him.

The three hobbits seemed to think that Robin was hurt but he wasn’t, he just had caught a cold from the riders because they had sneezed on him. Strider came up and carried Robin away ignoring him whenever Robin said that he wasn’t hurt – he just had a cold. They came to a river crossing and were met by an elf with a horse named Asfaloth. He placed Robin in the horse’s saddle and said, “Nora lim, Asfaloth.” The horse ran off and crossed the river, without Robin. He had actually fallen off and was standing behind Strider, who didn’t seem to notice him. So Robin followed the group across the river and into Rivendell. Robin wasn’t hurt but everyone seemed to think he was, so he played injured because he would get lots of yummy food; and besides, he wanted to get rid of his cold. Three days later, he awoke to see Gandalf the Green smoking a pipe and watching him. Gandalf proceeded to tell him about himself until one of the hobbits, (his name was Sam the Lamb or just Sammy), raced up to Robin and was overjoyed to see him awake and well, (Robin’s cold was gone). Gandalf said that because of the skills of Lord Elrond, he was getting well. Elrond walked up to him.

“Velcome to Ree-vendell, Roh-bin Hood, ah ahh,” he said, eyeing Robin’s neck.

“Thanks Dracula,” Robin said.

The next day was spent at a council where not only were there men, elves, and dwarves, there was also a hobbit complaining that Robin had taken his “Precious”. Elrond had him kicked out because he had thrown off his groove. Elrond then continued with the meeting. Robin found out that the ring that he had was actually the one ring, made by the Dark Lord Sauron, (thunder sound effects). He learned that it had to be destroyed or it would melt down causing a chain reaction that would destroy the earth, and Elrond wouldn’t be able to read his book! But getting back to the subject; Robin was appointed the ring-bearer and Gandalf the Green, Sam the Lamb, Strider, an elf named Legolas, a dwarf named Gimli the Grey (“He gets to be grey,” said Gandalf), a man named Boromir, (who in disguise was the hobbit who was mad at Robin), and the other two hobbits, (who were called Pippy and Merrin), were to go with him. Robin didn’t want Legolas to go with them because Legolas could shoot a bow and Robin was jealous, (Robin’s bow and arrows were just for suspense).

The nine companions set out from Rivendell and continued on to Caradhras. It was snowing there and very cold. Robin tried to build a fire but every time he got one going, Legolas would put it out by slinging his wet hair, walking over it, and taking away the wind block, (which was himself). Robin was also jealous because Legolas could walk on the snow and not sink. Robin tried it but he was still covered in snow. So after careful consideration, they left the mountain and went to the Mines of Moria. Unfortunately, Legolas and Robin had been walking together in the back and had been arguing so loudly that Gandalf the Green had to stop and get angry.

“Come on you two, make up and be friends,” he said

“He’s not my mellon!” Legolas said, sneering at Gandalf.

“What! So now you’re calling me a melon!” Robin yelled at him. Gandalf threatened to tie them together so they decided to stop fighting, but Robin couldn’t figure out why Legolas had called him a melon.

When they got to the mines, Gandalf tried to open the doors by saying various passwords; then he turned to Robin happily and said, “Mellon!” Gandalf turned to the doors but they weren’t opening.

Robin sighed. “That’s not the way to do it. Come on Gandalf, say the magic words,” Robin said.

Gandalf smiled at Robin. “Please and thank you,” he said. The doors opened widely and smashed Robin against the wall, but he wasn’t hurt because his uncle, Bob, had given him a mithril coat but he did feel kind-of like a pancake.

Suddenly, a giant octopus appeared from the lake and tried to grab Robin; but the octopus was actually the 5th segment of the key to time, so it was turned into the segment by Dr. Who. They passed through the mines without any trouble until Robin threw a stone at Legolas, who dodged it, and it bounced off of the wall, and off another, and another, until it hit a giant dart board and made a loud crashing noise.

“Bull’s eye!” Robin shouted and started singing, “Shake your booty”, and danced around doing a victory dance.

Then after being surrounded by a bunch of orcs, that were chased away by Robin because he had a cold again, they raced out of the mines but they didn’t lose Gandalf, the Balrog was on vacation.

They then traveled to Lorien where Galadriel the Grey was, (“She gets to be grey,” Gandalf said), but didn’t get to stay because all of the hotels were full, so they just borrowed some boats and went down the river.

They made a camp by the shore of a big lake, and when Robin went for a walk, “Boromir” went out to get some Rob- some firewood.

He approached Robin, who was sitting peacefully on top of the fallen head of a statue that strongly resembled Strider. “Boromir” proceeded to tell Robin that if he gave him the Ring, he would be happier and freer but Robin wouldn’t give it to him. “Boromir” then tried to take the Ring from him but Robin knocked him out again and found out that “Boromir” was the hobbit (but he already knew that). Robin raced back to the boats and after he had boat-jacked one of the boats, he found out that Sammy had been sleeping in it so he woke him up. “Beat it kid,” Robin said. “I’m going home, and I’m going home alone.”

“Of course you are, and I’m going with you,” Sammy said.

“But if you come with me, then I won’t be alone – now will I?”

Sammy sat on the beach trying to think of something heart-wrenching to say, since it was almost the end of the movie. Seizing the chance, Robin got in the boat and started paddling. Sammy, realizing he had been tricked, jumped in the water and tried to drown himself.

“Stand up, goofy!” Robin yelled.

Sam stood up. “It’s a miracle, Mr. Robin, I CAN SEE AGAIN!! Oh wait, wrong show.” So after hitting him over the head with his paddle for being stupid, Robin had to let him on the boat and go home “alone” so Sammy wouldn’t try to drown himself again.

Here endeth Parteth One of

How Robin Hood Destroyed the Ring of Power


Part 2

Back at the camp, Gandalf was complaining about not being Gandalf the Grey who died fighting the Balrog and came back as Gandalf the White. This continued until nightfall, then somebody (I think it was “Boromir”) tossed a pillow at him. He grumbled something about leaving and stomped off.

The next day, Pippy and Merrin were at a stream washing dishes, (which was what Gandalf was supposed to do), when a huge army of Teddy Bears surrounded them. They suddenly heard the horn of “Boromir” (which wasn’t the horn of Gondor, he got it at a ten-cent store) and then “Boromir” appeared out of the bushes and defended the two hobbits until he was stuck full of pins.

The Teddy Bears grabbed the two hobbits and ran off with them, taking them to their master, Saruman the White (“He gets to be white,” Gandalf said).

Meanwhile, Legolas and Gimli were busy kicking some Teddy Bear fuzz and Aragorn was looking for Gandalf. When it became clear that the hobbits were gone, and that “Boromir” wasn’t a very good pincushion, Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn went back to their camp. While eating some lunch, Gandalf approached them.

“Well, I’m not green anymore! I’m white! Ha ha ha!” He came out of the trees so that his comrades could see him in his new garbs.

“Umm, Gandalf,” Aragorn said, pointing to Gandalf’s cloak.

“AUGH!!!! I’m pink! I don’t believe this! Costume department! Make-up!” Gandalf said, jumping behind some bushes. While Gandalf was hiding his pink garments, the three soon-to-be hunters took off so they could hunt the Teddy Bears and find the hobbits, and also to get away from Gandalf the- Pink. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

While the three hunters were busy tracking down the two hobbits and the humongous army of Teddy Bears, Robin and Sammy were making their way to Mordor.

They had abandoned the boat (especially because Sammy had put a hole in it by trying to kill a fly with his frying pan) and were now hiking their way up the side of a mountain. Hungry and cold, the two friends tried to huddle together to stay warm. Suddenly, they heard a creepy slithering sound.

“What was that?” Sammy asked, hugging Robin’s arm.

“That was your stomach, dummy.” He said, pushing Sammy away.

Suddenly, a creature came out of the bushes and tried to strangle Sammy. It was “Boromir”, who had made a good pincushion. He seemed half-crazy, but you would be too if a giant army of Teddy Bears had attacked you. He insisted that they call him Gollum so Robin complied.

After some convincing, “Gollum” agreed to lead Robin and Sammy to Mordor, the home of Sauron (thunder sound effects)… and also a few hedgehogs.

Meanwhile, Pippy and Merrin were at the mercy of the vicious Teddy Bears. A mean one was being sewn up because he had lost some stuffing. In fact, he had lost so much that he was skinny.

“I need some more stuffing,” he said making his way towards the hobbits.

“No!” barked the head Teddy Bear. “They are to be taken back to Saruman the White (“He gets to be white,” Gandalf said.) unharmed.”

“What about their legs, they don’t need those,” the other one said. A quarrel broke out among them and they started ripping the stuffing out of a weaker bear. Pippy grimaced.

“Just look away, Pippy. Just look away,” Merrin said.

Because the Teddy Bear’s eyes were off of them, the two hobbits started to edge their way into the forest.

Meanwhile in Rohan, Grima was getting on Eomer’s nerves.

“Grima, would you please stop drooling over my sister?”

“You heard our Chief, stop it right now!” Eomer’s “yes” men stood beside him.

“Will you shut up!”

“Sure thing Chief!” The whole group echoed their opinions, but of course, nothing was ever negative against their “Chief”. Grima screamed.

“I can’t take this anymore! You, Eomer are banished from Rohan!”

“YESSS!! Thank you sooo much!” He began to run out the door but Grima stopped him.

“And your “yes” men go with you.”


At Sammy and Robin’s side of the world, “Gollum” was leading them to Mordor.

“Come right this way, Hobbitses. “Gollum” will show you the way.” Sammy eagerly ran to catch up with the creature. Robin hesitated.

“This is a swamp. Won’t we sink or something?” “Gollum” shook his head.

“No, you won’t. Scouts honor.”

“Well, if we do, at least we’ll get a bath in the process.”

Meanwhile, the three hunters were being poked at by spears because Eomer and his “yes” men had arrived. Eomer was already in a bad mood because he had to bring his men with him and the sight of strangers wasn’t helping.

“What are you three doing here?” Eomer said, suspiciously.

“Yes!” his men echoed. “What are you doing here?” Eomer turned to his men who were still repeating him.

“Will you please be quiet?”

“You never spoke a truer word Chief! We’re going to shut up right now!” All the men repeated this and nodded heads all around saying how marvelous their “Chief” was.

“And stop calling me Chief!” Eomer yelled while his face turned red.

“Yes sir…um…Sir!” Eomer turned back to the three hunters but they were gone, and so were his two spare horses! He shrugged.

“Oh well! Men! Let’s go, or the doughnut shop might close!”

“Whatever you say, Chief!”

“Our Chief is so smart!”

“Lead the way, Chiefy!” Eomer smacked his head.

“I have so got to get new men.”

Meanwhile, Pippy and Merrin entered the forbidden forest called “Forbidden Forest” (scary music). While in there, a Teddy Bear followed them in. Unfortunately, he was the one who still needed some stuffing.

“You two are going to give me stuffing if it kills me!” He chased the hobbits around the trees. Pippy laughed.

“Hey! This is like tag, except without a home base!” If Merrin hadn’t been running, he would’ve slapped Pippy for being stupid, but the tree in front of him stopped his movement. It began to run towards the Teddy Bear.

“Oh boy! I’ve always wanted a Teddy Bear!” The tree picked it up and squeezed it. “You’re going to be my little friend!” He squeezed harder on the Teddy Bear until it went limp in his arms. The tree began to cry. “I had a little friend, but he don’t move no more.” Sadly, he tossed the Teddy Bear and it landed a few miles away. Then he turned to the two bewildered hobbits. “Don’t you know it’s forbidden to enter this forest?”

“Um, duh! It’s like, in its name.” The tree scratched his head.

“Oh yah, I keep on forgetting.” He picked up the two hobbits in his hands. “And what do we have here? Teddy Bears?” He began to squeeze them.

“No! We’re not Teddy Bears, we’re hobbits!” Merry said as he tried to wiggle out of the tree’s hands.

“Never heard of a hobbit before. Sounds like Teddy Bears to me!” He squeezed harder.

“But we’re hobbits! Shire-folk!” Pippy nodded, agreeing with Merrin’s words.

“Maybe you are and maybe you aren’t. The purple polka-dotted wizard will know.”

“The purple polka-dotted wizard?” Pippy asked.

“Hey, don’t ask me how he got like that.” The tree said as he dumped them in front of the purple polka-dotted wizard.

Getting back to Sammy and Robin… as they neared Mordor, Robin began to tire.

“We must rest,” Sammy said. “Mr. Robin is tired.”

“The Ring is getting heavy, right?” “Gollum” said.

“No, Sammy is,” Robin said, dumping him on the ground. “Blood pressure or no blood pressure, you’re walking the rest of the way.”


Meanwhile, the three hunters had just found the big pile of burnt Teddy Bears that Eomer and his “yes” men had left. Gimli the Grey (“He gets to be Grey.” Gandalf said) was looking through the pile while Legolas and Aragorn were looking at the grass.

“Hey! I think I see Smoky Bear in here!” Aragorn ignored him and he decided to enter the “Forbidden Forest” (scary music) because it was better than looking at an impaled Teddy Bear head on a stick; although, it did make them hungry for marshmallows.

When they entered, Legolas felt a presence approaching them.

“Something approaches.”

“What is it? Is it a deer, because I’m hungry.” Gimli rubbed his growling stomach.

“No, it’s bigger.”

“Solid, vegetable or mineral? Oh boy! I love 20 questions!” He jumped up and down with excitement.

“Gimli, cut it out.” Aragorn then saw some strange light coming from behind him.

“Okay, um, that light is purple polka-dotted.”

“I know, I know. Don’t rub it in like everyone else.” The three hunters turned around to see Gandalf the Purple Polka-Dotted.

“Well, I don’t know which one was better. Purple polka-dotted or pink.” They all laughed at Gandalf until he made their weapons go on fire for teasing him. When the three hunters finally controlled their laughing, Gandalf took them to Rohan, the home of the Goat Lords. At the door, they found one of those British soldier types who can’t talk. Legolas couldn’t resist and said a joke to him.

“Hey, what do Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common? The same middle name!” Legolas laughed at his own joke and to the delight of others, they were admitted into the great hall before Legolas could say anything else.

A few of the people sniggered at Gandalf’s robes while they were walking in.

“The courtesy of your halls have somewhat lessened of late, Theoden king,” he said, almost crying because they were making fun of him. As they approached the king, it became apparent that the king was very old, although he was only 70.

“Dude, what’s with the weevil look?” Legolas asked, very close to Aragorn’s head. Aragorn shrugged and Wormtongue came out from behind of Theoden’s throne. Legolas shuddered at the sight of him. “Never mind about the weevil look, it must be normal,” he said.

Gandalf tried to release Theoden from the spell of Saruman. Unfortunately, Theoden started laughing at him.

“Ha ha ha! What kind of a wizard has purple polka-dotted robes!” Gandalf screeched.

“THAT’S IT!” He began to run towards Theoden. Eowyn came out of her safe position, where she had been admiring Aragorn, and ran towards her uncle. Aragorn stopped her.

“Wait.” He said, while holding her arms.

“Wait for you? Sure!” She smiled and fluttered her eyelashes at him.

“Not what I meant.”

“Oh nuts.” Gandalf was so angry that he had Theoden pinned on the ground.

“Say it!”

“Alright! Your robes look cool!” Gandalf got up and let him go.

“Thank you! Okay, now for your spell.” He reached under Theoden’s collar and brought out a mind control chip. After disposing of it, Theoden began to change back to his normal look.

“Where’s Theodred, my son?”

“Oh, he’s at the post office. Do you know how long it takes to mail something around here?” Eowyn said.

Later, Theoden invited his new guests to come with his people to Helm’s Deep.

“We go there every summer for vacation.”

“Sounds like fun.” Gimli started to pack his axes but Gandalf stopped him.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to-“

“I just baked fresh cookies.”

“We’re going!”

Meanwhile, Pippy and Merrin were in an Entmoot with Treewhiskers (the talking tree from before) and all his friends. They were discussing whether Pippy and Merrin were Teddy Bears or not.

“Just look at them, they’re not cuddly and soft!” Pippy and Merrin got themselves settled on the ground because it was going to be one loooooooong Entmoot.

They woke up the next day and the Ents had decided that they were not Teddy Bears. And also that if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

“But aren’t you going to Isengard to beat Saruman?”

“To beat Saruman at what?”

“Orc sports! It’s the latest craze with Ents and Wizards.” Pippy then described all the competitions in Orc sports. Soccer, bowling, baseball, archery, and water sports. The Ents were very happy about this so they all packed up to go to Isengard for Orc sports.

However, in Isengard, Saruman was plotting on how to massacre the vacationing humans. He walked over to one of his Teddy Bear workers and said,

“Send out your dinosaurs!”

Meanwhile, the three hunters and Gandalf were traveling to Helm’s Deep for summer vacation with the population of Rohan.

“Ah, I can’t wait to get in the pool!” Gandalf said, while he adjusted his sunglasses. But his fantasies were cut short by a scout from the Teddy Bear armies. It rode up on a spotted dinosaur.

“Hey, it looks like G-” Legolas was cut short by Gandalf’s murderous stare.

“Do you have any Grey Poupon?” the Teddy Bear said.

“Sorry, but we’re just out,” Theoden said. The Teddy Bears grew angry and started to attack the travelers.

The Teddy Bears were defeated and the group went on to Helm’s Deep. When they arrived, it became apparent that Aragorn was not with the group. He wasn’t dead though, he had been picking flowers.

“Tra, la, la, la. Hello, what’s this?” His eyes spotted an army of 10 thousand Teddy Bears headed straight for Helm’s Deep so he finished picking flowers and went to warn them.

Theoden was not convinced that it was emergency.

“I can fight children’s toys,” he said

“These are no mindless children’s toys, these are Teddy Bears,” Gimli said proudly.

“Um, so. Same difference.”


“Never mind.”

Sammy and Robin at the same time were busy cooking beans… or something close to it.

“What’s that, precious?” “Gollum” asked them.

“We don’t know. And we’re sick of it.”

“Let me have some!”

“Here, knock yourself out.” “Gollum” proceeded to devour the whole mess and Sammy and Robin ate some Lembas.

Before they could think, Faramir and his merry men captured them and took them to Gondor.

“Hey! I’m the one with merry men!” Robin complained. However, Robin was in the wrong story so it didn’t matter anyway.

Faramir told them that “Boromir” was his brother.

“Dude, you have my condolences,” Robin said.

“You know that he’s dead then?”

“No, I meant that he’s your brother.”

Faramir decided to let them go because “Gollum” had been following him around and it was annoying him.

At Helm’s Deep, the Teddy Bear army was defeated because Eomer and his “yes” men showed up and scared them away.

Then Gandalf got a tan and became Gandalf the Red, with white polka dots.

The whole group had a lovely vacation at Helm’s Deep, but it was not to last for long. Summer’s only two months, after all.

Merrin and Pippy were the judges at Orc sports and the Ents won because Saruman was a spoil sport and he wouldn’t play so they locked him up in his room.

And Sammy and Robin made their way up to Mordor with “Gollum” in the lead.

Here Endeth Parteth Two of

How Robin Hood Destroyed the Ring of Power


Part 3: The Return of Robin

Meanwhile, at Robin and Sammy’s part of the world, “Gollum” was busy telling them his life story. Of course, they didn’t want to hear it. No one wants to hear his story, trust me. So, after Robin shut him up, they all started walking towards Mordor (thunder sound-effects).

At Isengard, Saruman the White (“He gets to be White!” Gandalf said) was busy sulking in his room because he didn’t want to play Orc Sports. After Gandalf the Red with White polka-dots arrived, Saruman threw his magic eight ball out the window.

“Catch!” he said as Pippy dove for it. “There, you see! I CAN play sports!” Then he shut his balcony doors and was never seen again, although many petitions were circulated over the Elfernet.

Pippy picked up the magic eight ball but Gandalf swiped it from his hand. “I’ll take that!” Pippy pouted and got up on Shadowfax and the whole company rode back to Rohan.

After hours of tossing and turning, Pippy had to find out why Gandalf took the magic eight ball from him. He snuck into Gandalf’s room and hid. Gandalf was on his balcony, but he soon came back into the room and picked up the ball.

“Eight ball, eight ball, cloaked in suds, will white be the color of my next duds?” He shook the ball and waited for an answer.

“No,” it said.


“Gandalf?” Pippy said. Gandalf threw the ball out the window and tried to look casual.

“Pippy! What are you doing here?” Before Pippy could answer, there was a loud “Oww!” that came from out the balcony in the direction that the ball had been tossed. It was followed by footsteps and a loud “Who threw that?” coming from near Gandalf’s door. Aragorn stormed in with a bump on his head. “Who threw that?” Gandalf deftly pointed at Pippy.

“It was him! Pippy did it! Fool of a… um… Hobbit!” Gandalf grabbed Pippy’s shirt and swung him over his shoulder. He carried him to the throne room and told him to wait there.

Pippy got so bored waiting that he decided to sing a song with Merrin. After kicking a few people in the face, they decided that it was better to sit down quietly.

Meanwhile, big ships filled with corsairs were headed towards the unsuspecting city of Gondor in hopes of stealing the secret recipe for their cream-filled doughnuts. The captain made his third cameo appearance.

Also, smaller ships of orcs dressed like women sailed towards Osgiliath in hopes of the same thing. “It’s just like what the Greeks done at Troy, except they was in an oliphaunt instead of dresses,” one orc said.

“Perhaps if we had a large troll,” the other orc said.

There in the dark, damp wilderness, “Gollum” was taking them to Minas Morgul. Well, actually, he was taking them to the steps, but it’s right next to it.

“So this is the ‘scenic’ route,” Sammy said, rolling his eyes.

Big statues of clowns with their tongues sticking out were in front of the building, which strangely resembled a large M. The ring around Robin’s neck called to the structure and he began to walk towards it.

“Must… get… Happy… Meal!” He muttered. Sammy and “Gollum” got him away from the scary clowns and they started up the stairs.

At Rohan, Gandalf arrived back at the throne room looking like a modern painting. He was covered in red, blue, green, yellow… well, you name it, and it was on him. But he didn’t count on the paint not drying fast enough and it all smeared into one color. So now he was Gandalf the… Who Cares.

Anyway, he was so angry he picked up Pippy and rode to Minas Tirith so everyone would stop laughing at him. Of course, it took a while because his horse kept on laughing at him so he ended up having to walk the rest of the way with Pippy in tow.

He arrived at Gondor sweaty and his colors were coming off. Being stained, his robes became yellow with black spots. However, this story does not focus on the status of Gandalf’s wardrobe, so we will continue.

The two had come to talk to Denny, Steward of Gondor, but Gandalf gave Pippy a warning.

“Don’t say anything about what you ate for breakfast this morning. And don’t say the one about the three Irishmen. And don’t say anything about my robes. And don’t talk to strangers. And if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” So, with these warnings in mind, they entered the great halls of the dead people… I mean Steward.

“Hail Denny, son of Ecthelion, Lord and Steward of Gondor. I come with tidings in this dark hour, and with counsel,” said Gandalf, trying to sound important.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Denny said. “Have you seen my son?”

“What’s his name?” Pippy asked, forgetting his “bwiefing.”

“He’s called ‘Boromir’, when he feels like it.”

“He’s your son?”

“It’s not something I brag about,” Denny replied. So, the three had tea and ate Gondor’s famous cream filled doughnuts.

Pippy felt sorry for Denny, because “Boromir” was his son, so Pippy decided to offer his services and be in Denny’s army. Or… something like that. Denny thought this very funny, so at least Pippy had caught him in a good mood.

Meanwhile, Sammy and Robin were climbing the stairs, again. “Gollum” wasn’t helping much and kept on muttering things like “my love” and “stinky shoes.” Anyway, Robin’s only thoughts were about elevators. And beef stew. “The best thing ever,” he said.

Back in Rivendell (which we haven’t gotten to in a while), Elrond was sitting in his study when his daughter, Arwen the Movie stealer walked in.

“Hello father dearest,” she said as she tidied his desk.

“Whatever it is, my answer is no.”

“But Atta! You have to reforge the sword of Elendil so Aragorn can win the battle against Sauron who lives in Mordor (thunder sound-effects)!”

“Um, Aragorn already reforged it and already has it. That was like, so Fellowship of the Ring! Didn’t you even read the book?”

“Oh, my bad. Never mind.”

Back at Gondor, Gandalf told Pippy to go light the beacon so Rohan would come. He waited for a while, until Pippy came back with something burning on a stick.

“NO NO! Light the beacon, not the bacon!”

“OOOOOOOOH! Sorry!” So Pippy went back and lit the beacon. As the fire caught, he turned towards the camera and smiled. “Remember kids, don’t play with fire, it’s hot! I’m a trained—wh—whoa!!!!”

Over a trail of mountains, the beacons were lit by people who spend their whole lives sitting there waiting for the one in front to be lit and they obviously don’t have anything better to do anyway, not even TV.

So Rohan saw them and gathered every able-bodied man to fight. Baseball games, arcades, movie theaters and dentist offices were emptied in the effort. So every man from Rohan rode towards Gondor to fight for freedom, liberty and justice for all (cue National Anthem).

As they made camp that night over a huge cliff, Aragorn decided that he must enter the Paths of the Steward… I mean Dead people. Eowyn came to him.

“Don’t go! You haven’t kissed me yet!” She puckered her lips and closed her eyes. Aragorn took the opportunity to leave. Legolas and Gimli came also so they could talk his ears off.

At Osgiliath, Faramir and his Merry men were being overrun by Orcs who wanted their secret recipe for cream filled doughnuts. Few escaped but Faramir saved the recipe as he and his men rode back to Minas Tirith.

The Nazgul were trying to find Faramir so they could take the recipe, but Gandalf rode out to “scare them away”.

“Look,” a soldier shouted. “It’s the yellow with black polka dots rider!” Gandalf used his staff to create a light but he didn’t need to. The Nazgul were dying of laughter so the soldiers got away in the midst of it.

When Faramir returned to his father Denny, he got in trouble for no apparent reason while his dad munched on cream puffs and hot wings.

“But father! I saved the recipe!”

“That’s not enough! You didn’t get the rest of the doughnuts! You don’t know what kinds of filth are eating them! Go back and get them!” Faramir sniffled and locked up the recipe in a safe.

“You wish now that our places had been exchanged. That I had died instead of ‘Boromir.’ “

“You can’t be serious. You actually think that?” Denny laughed because… well, I guess it’s self-explanatory. Faramir laughed too because he was joking. Anyway, Faramir went back to get the doughnuts even though Gandalf tried to explain that the bakery could make new ones.

While Faramir was riding to his death, Denny munched on more cream puffs and hot wings while Pippy watched, expecting him to invite him to eat something. Finally he looked up. “Pippy,” he said.

“Yes?” he asked expectantly.

“Sing me a song,” he said, and bit into a tomato that looked suspiciously like blood. Pippy grumbled to himself (or maybe it was his stomach) and sang his favorite song:

“Sore is behind, as well as head,

I wish I was back in bed.

Second breakfast, morning to night,

Until they make me get up and fight.

I’m too tired, I deserve shade.

Or my shirt shall fade. My shirt shall fade …”

Meanwhile, “Gollum” led Robin and Sammy into a not-so-scary cave and pretended to be a spider. They weren’t impressed. Then they were taken prisoner by a bunch of teddy bears (who were normally Saruman’s creation, but Sauron got jealous like with the dinosaur the Head Orc rode at Minas Tirith), who then got into a fight over the leader’s bunny slippers and killed each other. “That was easy,” Robin said.

At Gondor, everyone expected Faramir to be dead. “Poor Faramir,” Pippy said. “He still owed me five bucks.”

“Here I am,” Faramir said.

“Sit down, Faramir, you’re dead,” Denny said. Faramir had actually hit his head on a rock on the way out and never left. But he got lots of attention so, like Robin, he played along.

Denny sat on his throne (not that kind) and tried to decide what to do now that Faramir was “dead”.

“Maybe I could pay someone to be my son,” he said.

“Precisely,” his advisors said. “That’s what I think.”

“Well you do, do you?” Denny said. “I was just saying that to test you. Now I know what I’m dealing with, a couple of Rangers. What I meant was I should get married and adopt someone.”

“Of course,” his advisors said. “The Steward is right.”

“I am, am I?” Denny said. “If there was a Rangers in this room I’d apologize.”

“But Dad,” Faramir tried to say, “I’m right here!” They ignored him because he was dead. What do dead people know, anyways?

Well, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli must’ve thought they were okay, because at that very moment they were traveling through the Paths of the Steward… I mean Dead people. They entered the caves without a second thought and picked up candles for light.

“Oww!” Gimli screamed.

“What? What is it?”

“Wax! On my hand!” Aragorn slapped him for being stupid and they continued until they got to a big chamber.

“Who dares to disturb the crew of the Black Pearl?” said a creepy voice. Skeletons appeared out of nowhere and surrounded the three hunters.

“So there is a curse,” Aragorn said as he looked around.

“Well, duh! Where not from some amusement park ride, are we?” said the leader.

Aragorn shrugged because he didn’t know and cut to the chase. “Fight for me.”

“WHAT? After all Isildur put me through, you expect me to help you just like that? JUST LIKE THAT?” the leader screamed.

“Yes,” Aragorn replied with a smile.


” ‘Okay’?” a skeleton said. “You’re doing what he says?”

“He’s very persuasive!” So, the crew of the Black Pearl followed Aragorn out of their caves and they headed towards the sea.

At Theoden’s camp, Eowyn was busy sulking that Aragorn had left her. Theoden told her to be quiet and eat her oatmeal or he would make her go back to Rohan. She stomped off and threw a pillow at Eomer for laughing at her.

The next day, Theoden and his army rode out leaving Merrin and Eowyn behind. After all, someone had to pick up all the trash and take the tents down. Anyway, after they cleaned up, they got on a horse and rode to join Theoden’s army because he left his stuffed bunny rabbit in his tent. They sneaked into the group and were never noticed.

Meanwhile, Denny was crying because his son was dead. He walked to the edge of his parapet and mumbled to himself.

“Theoden has betrayed me! I know he stole my recipe! What do I do? I don’t have anyone to pass my recipe down to anymore!”

“But, Dad! I’m right here!” Faramir said, getting quite annoyed. Denny didn’t notice and kept on muttering.

“I’ll never get to have grandchildren and-“

WHAP!! “Quiet fool!” Gandalf said as Denny crumpled to the ground. “Now, to business.”

He rode down to the front gate to command the soldiers. The orcs outside were using a battering ram to open the door.

“Now, whatever comes through that door, you stand your ground, men of Gondor!” Monster size trolls bounded into the open hole.

“MOMMY!” Gandalf shrieked and ran away.

Meanwhile, Robin and Sammy were so happy that “Gollum” was gone. Well, for now anyway. The two dressed in orc armour so they wouldn’t be recognized. Of course, it didn’t matter much anyway because they blended into the fake backdrop.

At Gondor, Pippy was trying to convince Denny that Faramir was still alive.

“See! Faramir’s not dead!”

Denny looked up from the phone. “Don’t bother me! I’m in the W’s section!” He put the phone back on his ear. “So, can you be my son?”

Pippy rolled his eyes and left with Faramir.

At Theoden’s army, Eowyn and Merrin continued to follow them. The two were disguised so that they could give Theoden back his bunny without detection. Unfortunately, some of the soldiers thought that they were part of the group and made them work.

Meanwhile, Robin and Sammy were dying of thirst. Robin squeezed and squeezed but his water skin was empty. He glanced at Sammy who was swishing his water around in his mouth and spitting it out, after he washed his face with it. Robin snarled as he searched his pack.

“Where’s the rest of the lembas?”

Sammy burped. “Oh, that?”

“Never mind. Let’s go.”

While Denny was busy looking through the business pages, Gandalf and Pippy were fighting the enormous army outside of Minas Tirith. Of course, when most of your army has been destroyed and you’re up against tens of thousands of orcs, you don’t stand a chance. So after they figured this out, they borrowed the phone from a complaining Denny and called Theoden on his cell phone.

“WHERE ARE YOU??” Gandalf yelled into the phone.

“We’re close. Getting closer. Can you hear me now?” Well, Theoden was very close so he stayed on the phone with Gandalf until they came into view. Gandalf rode up to him.

“Hail, Theoden!”

Theoden covered up the receiver with his hand. “Gandalf! Can’t you see I’m on the phone?” He put the phone back up to his ear. “Excuse me, I’ll have to call you back, Gandalf. Gandalf wants to talk to me.” He hung it up. “Now, what did you want to tell me? Hmm, nice robes.” Theoden laughed and Gandalf went back to Gondor to get new robes.

Anyway, the battle was victorious, especially after the three hunters arrived with Barbossa and his crew. They proclaimed the War of the Doughnuts over and then they went to Mordor (thunder sound-effects) to have the War of the Ring.

Gandalf walked out proudly with his new robes. "Yeah! I’m Gandalf the Green again! Wait…"

Robin and Sammy were so close to the volcano that they could smell the lava. And fell the lava and well, you get it. Anyway, they entered the chamber and prepared to drop it. Unfortunately, “Gollum” was there.

“Give me the precious! I must have it!”

Robin rolled his eyes. “You want the ring? Huh, boy?” “Gollum” acted like an eager dog as Robin held it out like a frisbee. “Go on! Get the ring!” He said as he tossed it over the edge. “Gollum” quickly followed it, forgetting that he was diving into hot lava.

So, after he was burnt to a crisp and the ring was melting, Robin and Sammy raced out of the exploding volcano. Gandalf and the rest came up on eagles.

“Here comes Robin and Sammy!” The crowd cheered. “Followed by a trail of hot molten lava!” The crowd cheered again.

They all got on the eagles and reached the edge of Mordor. When they got off of the eagles, the ring was completely dissolved.

Then there was a big tidal wave and Sauron the Dark Lord (thunder sound-effects) was destroyed. Then on the tidal wave, Robin and Sammy surfed back to Rivendell. Elrond was overjoyed to see them and to hear that the Ring had been destroyed. He and all of the elves (except Legolas) were sailing to the West and Elrond invited Robin to join them. Robin said that he would gladly go but he had to talk to his wife first. He called her on his cell phone but she said that he couldn’t go so Robin had to leave all of his friends (except Sammy) and travel to be with his wife. But as he was traveling, he realized something.

“Hey, Sammy. You know what? I don’t have an anniversary present for my wife!” He hit himself and looked around for something to give her. He saw an old sword sticking out of a stone and took it out.

“Hmm, nice sword. My wife will like this.” He said, sheathing it.

A crowd of people ran up to him saying, “This man has pulled the sword out of the stone! He is our new king! Yippee!” Robin groaned.

“Here we go again.”


Here Endeth How Robin Hood Destroyed the Ring of Power (So there)

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